Sources close to Saddles have revealed that affable Giro general dictator Michele Acquarone is “moving heaven and earth” to ensure the presence of last year’s Tour de France winner in this year’s Giro.

It has already been widely reported that the inclusion of more than 90 time trial kilometres in the 2013 Giro route was brought about with the primary function of attracting Wiggo’s gaze. Now it emerges that this profligacy of against-the-clock machismo marked the symbolic first incidence of long-time Wiggins suitor Acquarone – known by his friends as ‘The Peacock’ – fanning his feathers.

In short, it was the first of many coquettish advances performed in a bid to wantonly woo Wiggins.

“It all started during the Tour last year. We were watching the second time trial in Giro HQ and Michele was entranced by Bradley’s pedal strokes,” said Saddles’ source (not to be confused with Saddle Sauce™ – a brand of bespoke chamois cream).

“At first there was serious consideration given into hosting the opening stage of the Giro in Wiggo’s birth town of Ghent but when that became impossible Michele was quick to suggest Naples.”

The Mediterranean seaside city was selected primarily because it is hoped that the volcanic peak of Vesuvius will remind Wiggins of his training rides in the shadow of Mount Tiede on Tenerife.

Naples is also said to be the favourite Italian city of the singer Paul Weller, with whom Wiggins often jams on his guitar. The pair are currently recording a song set for release in spring.

“When Michele heard about Wiggins and Weller, he went all weak at the knees. ‘We must get them to record the Giro’s official song – now that’s entertainment,’ he told us all in a dream-like stupor.”

Soon after the 2013 route was disclosed, Acquarone and his team announced that Wiggins’ close friend, the British designer Sir Paul Smith, would be designing the Giro’s fabled pink jersey.

The prospect of Sir Bradley Wiggins mounting a podium to put on a special maglia rosa designed by Sir Paul Smith is mouthwatering. Riding the crest of a wave, Acquarone is said to be in favour of approaching British comedians Paul Whitehouse and Mark Williams to record a one-off version of their “Suits you, Sir” sketch from The Fast Show.

“If that wasn’t enough, Michele has even put in a request with Johnny Depp’s publicist for the actor to reprise his guest role from the last ever episode of the series,” said the source. “Apparently Depp is a bigger cycling fan than both Robin Williams and Ben Stiller combined.”

While details of the 2013 Giro opening ceremony are still under wraps, it has leaked that Wiggins has been approached to ring a bell to sound the start of the three-week festival of cycling. This is but one of many movements being carried out to make sure Wiggins feels he is being accommodated, nay groomed, as the official face of the race.

Following her electric on-screen chemistry with Wiggins at the BBC Sports Personality of the Year award in London late last year, veteran reporter Susan Barker has reportedly been given a gig as one of the race’s podium girls. A video of Wiggins and Barker eating Italian spaghetti in the style of the hit Disney cartoon Lady And The Tramp is also in the offing, as is a limited edition t-shirt made out of purple velours, designed by Fred Perry and adorned with the catchphrase ‘Look, Susan’.

All male race staff – including the Carabinieri – are being encouraged to grow their sideburns in a bid to pay their respects to the man Acquarone is hoping will succeed Ryder Hesjedal as the maglia rosa in Brescia on 26th May. Meanwhile, Team Sky will be given special dispensation to fill their musettes with McDonald’s burgers to stave off any bonking in the mountains.

It doesn’t stop at making Wiggins simply feel at home. In fact, the latest raft of rumours seem to indicate that Acquarone and his team are also bent on giving Wiggins a sporting advantage during the race.

As such, Fabian Cancellara is likely to be banned from the race, while steps are being taken to ensure that Tony Martin suffers a nasty fall in the opening week, whereby eliminating Wiggins’ principal threats for the all-important time trials.

Acquarone was also the driving force behind Katusha not receiving a wild-card invite for the race. “He thought that the last thing the race needed was Joaquim Rodriguez pushing for the pink jersey,” said Saddles’ source.

Complicated measures have been taken to ensure that the route never passes nearby petrol station forecourts for fear of Wiggins colliding with rogue drivers.

It is also thought that an online “Froome Fund” has been set up by Acquarone to make sure that Wiggins’ favoured right-hand man is on hand to guide him up the Galibier. Only once this job has been done will Froome be allowed to retire from the race and concentrate on his preparations for the Tour de France.

“Michele isn’t only offering Chris money. He’s pulled the strings with some of his well-connected friends in London: Froome will be honoured with a Victoria Cross for self-sacrifice on the battlefield in the 2013 New Year’s honours list.”

Talking of honours, it is said to be Acquarone’s bizarre infatuation with not only being responsible for helping Wiggins make history, but also making history himself, that is proving his most steely motivation.

“Michele has it in his head that should Wiggo win the Giro one year after he wins the Tour, he’ll be in line for a peerage. He wants to be the man who will be remembered in the history books as being the principal contributor to Wiggins’ upgrading from a Sir to a Lord. This might sound odd, but I believe he fancies himself as a type of honorary Italian Austin Powers type figure – but with better teeth,” added the source with a whisper.

Acquarone offered no comment when approached by Saddleblaze about these allegations. He did, however, stress his disappointment that Katusha’s absence from the race would deprive fans of the chance to see Denis Menchov in action.

When quizzed about the choice of wildcards for the race, Acquarone said the decision had been a difficult one and hoped that next year a new system will jazz things up a little. Acquarone is said to be in favour of seven wild cards joining 15 ProTour teams, with a public fan vote deciding just who makes the cut.

“He already told us about his plans to produce a Saturday night reality TV game show called ‘Who Wants To Be A Giro Wildcard?’ which will be presented by Silvio Berlusconi’s new wife,” confirmed the source.

One thing’s for sure, with Michele Acquarone at the helm, things are rarely boring. Which is why, quite frankly, his efforts to make Wiggins the face of the Giro is just so very baffling…

To the “more” end of things, I felt it was appropriate to hand out a few of my own awards, recognizing the efforts of all around the Grand Spectacle. I leaked a few last night, as any good member of the UCI should pre-leak a few things once in awhile.

But before we get to the awards segment, I’d like to thank all of you for following along with my special malarkey during the Giro. I hope many of you enjoyed the banter and commentary via Twitter, and I also hope that many of you didn’t (you all know who you are).

Best “Mark Cavendish” Moment – Andrea Guardini for his exit from the Giro

Oh Guardini. You were busted hanging onto a car. Funny thing is, Andreas Klier told our boys on CCNN in Episode 4 about 50 guys hanging onto one car just to survive the 1999 Giro. This was after you were victorious in beating your idol Mark Cavendish. Oh wait, no, you told CyclingNews via video that it’s Robbie McEwen. Right. It seems the Manx Missile needs to give you a few more tips on proper “tow” etiquette.

Best Photo – Laura Meseguer

photo courtesy Laura Meseguer

Laura + Didi = winner.  Laura did an outstanding job covering the Giro. She also knew how to have a little fun during the race. This photo with Didi captures perfectly one of the hardest-working people in the sport. Plus she has a wicked sense of humour.

Worst Attempt at Headline Stealing – Johan Bruyneel

Yes, I know it’s Johan. It’s supposed to always be all about him. Still can’t believe he attempted to use negative reinforcement to a) “motivate” his riders b) grab some publicity for his sagging team, and c) highlight just how awesome Fabian Cancellara is over the rest of the team. How can someone who patches up a “spat” one day then go back on his word and attack his rider AGAIN in a column. Oh right, it’s Johan. Nevermind.

Best Interview – Roberto Ferrari post-Cavendish crash

As I stated on Twitter, I’ve never seen so many shoulder shrugs since Clinton attempted to declare his innocence in the whole “I did not have sexual intercourse with that woman” incident.

Best Comedy Moment – Farnese Vini leaves Underpants man with a Cipollini bike

So Farnese-Selle Italia have probably gained the highest amount of exposure per budget of any team. Literally. Man on side of the road in underpants is spotted holding Rabottini’s bike.  Rabottini receives new bike from Luca Scinto. Scinto, either in a stroke of generousity or just plain adrenalin, leaves the bike in the hands of Mr. Underpants. The last we see is the man in underpants running down the road holding the bike yelling to the team car that they left the bike behind.

Best TV Commentator Tweeter – Andrea Berton

Berton has always been a great commentator, but this year he has really embraced the Twitter medium. His tweets in English and Italian before, during, and after the stages showed the dedication he had in covering the sport for the fans.  David Harmon of Eurosport may have been one of the first to include tweets and fan interaction in broadcasts, but Berton has taken it to the next level.

Berton still is recovering his vocal chords after Rabottini (photo courtesy blog.panorama.it)

Best Pro Tweeter – A tie between Adam Hansen and Taylor Phinney

Phinney and Hansen have provided tweets upon tweets of entertainment. Unlike other professionals who plainly use it for promotional purposes only, Phinney and Hansen actually enjoy the medium.  Taking a page from one of the original funnymen of the tweeting peloton, Greg Henderson of Lotto-Belisol, Hansen continued providing comedy throughout the Giro, in spite of some tough injuries.  His plot line on barking dogs was a treat. Phinney, not one to be outdone, spawned a meme with his #GiroLoveStory hashtag, and interacted with his fans on a regular basis. Well done by both.

“Best” Giro Outfit – John Gadret in Stage 20

The photo tells the tale.

Pink shoes cap off the vomit on a bike colour scheme (photo courtesy of cyclingnews.com)

Best Carrot Moment – Carrot Car almost ramming Liquigas rider

The Euskaltel mechanic steals a page out of their riders’ playbook and almost takes out Liquigas rider Damiano Caruso.  A close runner-up was the poor Carrot who wiped out in the team time trial.

My Favorite Giro Tweet – Scott Sunderland aka @triplesmc

“I think there is a few people having a good toss… But no bikes were seen flying. Only ego’s”

Best Giro Team – Farnese-Selle Italia

Appearances by Luca Scinto, Andrea Guardini, and Pippo Pozzato on Processo alla Tappa. Rabottini’s incredible breakaway win after almost losing out to Rodriguez in the last 500 metres. Guardini’s sprint victory against Cavendish. Luca Scinto talking on the phone to Andrea Berton during the stage. Pippo Pozzato’s almost wins and his wrist breaking. Yes, the “Hi-Viz” (thanks to @mmmaiko) chartreuse colours of the Farnese-Selle Italia team were on bright display at the Giro, and hands down provided the best experience of any team present on all levels.

Best Stage Win – Matteo Rabottini

He made everyone hoarse. Including David Harmon. A breakaway on his lonesome started 18 kilometres in. Caught within metres of the finish line. Had the intestinal fortitude to dig in, match Rodriguez, and pass him for the stage win.

Best Giro “Fight” – Alex Rasmussen vs. Fränk Schleck

It even spilled over into Twitter, and spawned a hashtag – #GIRORUMBLE. It made Vaughters vs. Cipollini no big deal. Ferrari vs. Cavendish? Pah, no spark there. No, Fränk Schleck took his ire at Johan Bruyneel out on the ample arse of Alex Rasmussen. And the two launched Twitter volleys at one another. I’m looking forward to the encore, Rumble in the Tour de France Jungle.

Best unrequited love story – @Saddleblaze and @Laura_Meseguer

Will Saddles land a dinner date with his female counterpart? Will this #girolovestory have a happy ending? I think it may have to wait until the Vuelta for a true answer.

Best Giro Media Coverage – VeloNews.com and SBS Cycling Central

Outside of the home country and home court advantage of Gazzetta, who again superbly covered the race, I have to give full marks to VeloNews for their coverage of this year’s Giro. Neal Rogers and Brian Holcombe did a great job of organising the troops to provide video, photo, and written coverage stage-by-stage.  Gregor Brown and Andrew Hood rivaled the untiring Rupert Guinness for late hours in the press room. While I may take umbrage with Gregor Brown’s content at times, along with his self-absorbed tweet stream, I cannot complain about his output. However, Andrew Hood may be one of the most underrated scribes in Europe, and offers fantastic analysis.

The cycling crew of SBS Cycling Central out of Australia did a phenomenal job of providing insight, video, reports, blogs, and commentary. It almost made me wish I lived in Australia in order to take in the live broadcast team of Mike Tomalaris, Scott Sunderland, Matthew Keenan, and Scott McGrory. With David MacKenzie on the ground in Italy, Stuart Randall’s steady hand in the production booth, the work of Phil Gomes and Al Hinds on the website makes me wish the Giro folks could contract with this crew to provide English language coverage. All they would need is Harmon and Kelly full time to round out the team.

Best Ryder Hesjedal Quote – “Good” said many, many, many times. Followed by dead air.

 * * * * *

And that concludes the Giro for yours truly. Now, commence with all the speculation, whinging, and other such malarkey until the Tour de France begins. And now, I must continue to plan for the creation of #cyclingdamian with @mmmaiko. Slàinte!

A picture paints a thousand words

Ah yes. Wine. Espresso. Biscotti. Pasta Bolognese. Beautiful women.

What are my good sensations for this year’s Giro? Well, thankfully, there haven’t been any evil spectres or nasty foreshadowing of any doping positives prior to the start in Denmark. No, instead, the head gnomes from Aigle have sent out legal man Philippe Vebriest and mouthpiece Stephen Roche to ensure your thoughts on the UCI are top of mind.

I must say, however, I’m mightily disappointed with Michele Acquarone and the boys at RCS Sport for one reason, and one reason only. No Danilo di Luca.

di Luca is synonymous with the Giro. “The Killer” has made every edition in which he appeared an exciting spectacle. His unending attacks, his tireless efforts, and his dynamite hair are going to be sorely missed in this year’s extravaganza. Of course, there are always sacrifices that need to be made for the greater good. Yes, the Giro has decided to embrace a broader range of teams. Some of those selections have angered the tifosi, but hey, they are a forgiving lot. After all, they haven’t held any real grudges against Davide Rebellin nor Silvio Berlusconi.

We are all saddened by the lack of Di Luca at this year's Giro (photo courtesy of Acqua & Sapone)

So what can we expect from this year’s battle for the hallowed maglia rosa?

For starters, Johan Bruyneel will be seeing the career-dissipation light blinking fast and furious out of the corner of his eye. I have to admit, he’s tossed his version of an NFL-style “Hail Mary” by recruiting Fränk Schleck into Giro duty. Not only is the elder Schleck riding, but he’s doing it without his ever-present sidekick. As @saddleblaze says in the upcoming CCNN-TV episode (due out Friday May 4th), it will remain to be seen which wheel Frankie-poo attaches himself to. Will it be Basso? Will it be Scarponi? Or will Kreuziger finally fulfill his destiny as a Grand Tour contender?

Truthfully, with all the focus on the Olympics and then, therefore, the Tour de France, we’re missing a few of the big names on the list of GC contenders. Evans. Wiggins. Wiggo’s hair. Wiggo’s dour attitude. Wiggo’s black cloud of doom.

I’m quite happy with the fact Bradley Wiggins is focusing his energy elsewhere. After his joy-sucking, smarmy, superior, and “I’m very British” performance at the Tour of Romandie, thankfully the Giro doesn’t seem to have enough rarified air for the allegedly sanctimonious twit. For all you mad flag-waving Brits, just take a gander at the video complilation by the Romandie folks, who actually complained about his attitude to various bodies of authority.

Moving along….

Back to the Giro. Could we see some epic sprint battles in the first ten days? Absolutely. Renshaw might use the next few weeks to solidify his confidence for the remainder of the year, and vanquishing his former captain in the process might do him well. That is, of course, provided that Australian Cycling will see fit to include him for the Olympics rather than snub him in favour of a blatant Orica-GreenEDGE plant.

Speaking of Orica-GreenEDGE, we’ve all had a bit of fun with the fact that a company specialising in mining explosives has chosen to sponsor a cycling team. Yes, this has turned into both a blessing and a nightmare for the team, in true pro-cycling fashion. Yes, the company has a rough environmental record, which is, as many pointed out, no different than most nasty multi-national conglomerates. But some others have chosen to put up the blinders and say we should be thankful for any sponsorship money at all coming into the sport.

Really? This sort of attitude is what allows those with heinous agendas to profit in today’s world. “Oooh, they have money, we must forgive what they do because they’re throwing a wad of cash at us.” Let’s just say teams, individuals, and businesses who hold themselves to a higher yardstick usually survive longer than those who make decisions based purely upon bottom-line results. Is the Orica sponsorship a bad thing? No. Is it a good thing? Possibly. Time will tell. Maybe their sponsorship and involvement in cycling may just make an impact at the boardroom level and help engage a culture shift. Stranger things have happened.

Back to Orica-GreenEDGE at the Giro. Speaking of High Road sprint train alumni, Matt Goss is another who will be looking to hunt for stages, and he’ll have some formidable opposition in the aforementioned Renshaw. Lotto-Belisol has had some early season success, so never count out Adam Hansen or Gianni Meersman.

However, this Giro could be the reclamation of Team BMC’s dismal season. With Marco Pinotti the declared GC man, Thor Hushovd stage hunting, and the first Giro appearance of Alessandro Ballan, this team might be able to turn some heads during a variety of stages.

Can Pinotti achieve more than just a top 10? (Photo courtesy Sirotti Photography)

What about Garmin-Barracuda? Jonathan Vaughters has continued to develop his cult of personality, peppering in the right riders to flavor his island of misfit toys. It could net him some huge wins during the Giro, or it might at least give us some entertaining bon mots from the king of PR that is JV.

Who are the riders I’ll be watching? This Giro is Ivan Basso’s to lose. His season has had a similar start to that of his Giro-winning year of 2010. Similar struggles of form, similar efforts in working for fellow riders like super-domestique Sylvester Smzyd. Speaking of Smzyd, he has the pedigree to be a rather nice complement to Basso on the podium, provided they have the form. The other one I’ll be watching is Emanuelle Sella from Gianni Savio’s outfit. Savio’s squad alway performs well, and Sella is no slouch.

However, the most important aspect of this year’s Giro may not be who wins or who loses, but if and when Vaughters and Giro boss Acquarone ink the pre-announced revenue-sharing deal with the teams of the WorldTour and Pro-Continental tour. The important question to come out of this development is, how does this impact the UCI, and does this mean RCS is lining up with the rebel faction against the out-of-touch and out-of-step governing body?

The UCI has partnered with Dow to use their wrap from the London Games to ban the appearance of dirt and mud at races.

“The UCI, out of concern for the sponsors of our sport, have decided to ban mud, manure, and inclement weather. Our greatest concern is to ensure that all of the WorldTour sponsors received the biggest bang for their buck. To that end we’ve also banned zippers from all team kit. Every jersey will now be a pullover,” declared PCC member Roche.

“Mother nature’s havoc, closely followed by the pro riders themselves, are our two biggest challenges when ensuring the needs of the sponsor base are front and centre at all times. In particular, the mud at Paris-Roubaix has been a persistent problem in our mission to highlight the sponsor-logoed jersey. So we’ve simply opted to ban it,” continued Roche.

The mud of Roubaix was incensed at the prospect of being banned from the hallowed race.

“We have long provided the iconic images associated with the race. If it wasn’t for us, some of the greatest memories of the sport would be reduced to a flash of colours around a rather boring tarmac. In short, our absence will give Roubaix about as much flavour as the Tour of Beijing,” commented Roubaix mud.

Another flavor missing from future UCI-sanctioned races will be beer and other fermented beverages. “The mist from over 60,000 gallons of beer kegs being tapped was simply creating too much of a haze for proper visibility. Going forward, only still beverages will be allowed, but must remain 500 meters away from the edge of the parcours,” Roche duly noted to this reporter.

The UCI also outlined their massive plan to coat a 5 km corridor of every race with Dow Wrap. The same Dow Wrap that will swathe part of the London Olympics.

“We’re thrilled Dow Chemical has come on board with their product from the main venue at the London Olympics. The composite in the wrap includes a plastic resin to ensure dirt and earth don’t cloud, cake, or cover any jerseys adorned with the logos of team sponsors. In fact, we’re also commissioning Dow to come up with a plastic-based spray for all the roads to ensure as well that rain splash doesn’t darken the logos. Of course, rain capes are completely outlawed.  The riders will just have to deal with getting wet,” declared a rather pleased UCI president Pat McQuaid.

Race organizers and the teams themselves were rather suprised by the move.

“It’s quite peculiar that the UCI has implemented these initiatives, considering we haven’t complained about any of the offending forces of nature, nor have our sponsors. I’m also concerned that big-headed riders such as Sylvester Szmyd might have trouble with the whole pullover jersey concept. And in keeping with their cockeyed tradition, the UCI decides to partner with a conglomerate having a lousy track record and no regard for proper environmental concerns. To summarize, it’s business as usual,” commented AIGCP president Jonathan Vaughters.

RCS Sport Director Michele Acquarone offered his assessment. “Nothing from the UCI surprises me anymore. I think their next move will be to ban bicycles. That’s the only thing left they haven’t banned,” mused Acquarone.

Roche was also quick to add his own wrinkle to the situation.

“I think the peloton should ride in a paceline. A bunched peloton doesn’t do anything for the exposure of the sponsors. In fact, I’m also pondering a recommendation to Pat [McQuaid] that breakaways be banned as they unfairly put one sponsor ahead of another,” concluded Roche.

Dow Chemical will be announcing on Thursday their detailed plan to coat every single mountain of the Giro in their Dow Wrap. At press time, there was no word on whether the Italian government would consider allowing the plans to go forward.

The Lion King pauses speaking for 3 seconds to allow this photo to be taken (Photo: Bettini Photography)

The interview, which began at 6 a.m. CET and didn’t conclude until 2 p.m. CET – pre-empting six radio shows on the station – gave Cipollini the platform to continue his campaign to be reinstated by the governing body in time to make his triumphant Giro return. However, Cipollini feels that racism against riders from Italy and Spain by the “Anglo-led UCI” is the biggest stumbling block to his return.

“I’m very, very, very, very, very, very troubled. The UCI allows 41-year old Chris Horner on a third-rate team to compete in the so-called WorldTour, but doesn’t allow me to compete? When was the last time Chris actually had a doping control? I don’t think he’s had one for at least two years. How else can you explain his performance this past week? How am I any different? I’m Italian and friends with the Spain. That’s the problem. The UCI punishes anyone who isn’t American, Irish or British. What a sad state of affairs when you have translucent-skinned cycling peoples winning races. No style. No good looks. No panache. By Ghisallo’s thighs, thank the Saint from the mountain that Peter Sagan and Vincenzo Nibali have been able to overcome this blatant bias to non-Anglo victories,” rambled the Lion King.

“Dutch are climbers? Did they build a mountain somewhere to train? Have they moved the nation to Switzerland? Has the world gone mad? If Hoogerland can contend in the mountains, than the Cipo will make the mountains classification his goal for this Giro. Why not? Everything else is just as absurd,” continued the tanned and virile one.

UCI president Pat McQuaid, was succint in his reply to the marathon interview, “Payback’s a bitch. After years of suffering against our southern neighbours, it’s time they see what it was like to lose on a regular basis.”

When asked if Cipollini’s return was to be allowed, McQuaid was terse, “Ask Acquarone.”

When reached for comment, Giro boss Michele Acquarone was his usual gracious and intelligent self, “We welcome Mario Cipollini as a great ambassador of the the sport of cycling. If he is able to secure a team which has a Giro invite, I’m sure we’ll look forward to his exploits.”

According to Cipollini’s protracted radio interview, following up from his marathon TV interview the day prior, there are several teams lined up for his services, most notably SaxoBank and RadioShack-Nissan.

“Both teams want me for separate reasons. SaxoBank for the obvious one. And RadioShack-Nissan? They need some sort of positive press to counteract the inevitable disappointment with the Schleck brothers. Becca also has approached me to be a spokesmodel for his new casino construction project. I’m leaning towards Becca, he does business in the old way,” continued Cipollini.

You can hear the rest of the interview, including his two hour pontification on the wrongs of the Italian taxation system at www.cipollinithelionkingwillcomebacktovictoryatthegiroandshowallwhatpanacheactuallymeans.com

Hosking gives a great 2012 salute to the Overlord of Cycling (photo courtesy Joe Armao)

Worst Five Things of the Week

Numero Cinco

Chloe Hosking Admonished by Cycling Australia

So let’s get this straight. Hosking is given a “slap on the wrist” by Cycling Australia, and offers an apology to McQuaid. They are even thinking possibly of sanctions or fines for the offense. I find this interesting, considering some of the choice soundbites from the mens’ side of the Aussie contingent and their comments about McQuaid. McEwen anyone? I believe comments out of the UCI by a certain individual could be construed as “dickish.” Yet again, Cycling Australia shows they are out of step with the world climate.

Numero Cuatro

Leipheimer still tweets about Radioshack

Oh Levi, you look great in baby blue, but what does Lefevere have to say about your ridiculous product tweets about Radioshack, like this one? Is there something we should know about the relationship love-in between you and Lee Applebaum? Just a reality check, Levi – you are now riding for Omega Pharma Quickstep. And you look good in blue. Start talking about installing the latest laminate flooring in your Belgian shack. Oops sorry, didn’t mean to say the “S” word.

Numero Tres

Cipollini fires off at Cavendish, must be on Greipel’s payroll

Super Mario just likes to stir the fooking pot. What cracks me up is all the Tweeters from the wrong side of the Atlantic pontificating on how profound Cipo is on the subject of Cavendish. This, despite the fact that most Euro journalists have been extolling his virtues with the same platitudes for roughly four years now. At least. Of course Cipo is right. Of course Cav is wasting his talent, especially now that he’s in the protective cocoon of his home team. I’m waiting for Cipo to say that the UCI is bad for professional cycling, or maybe say that the Giro d’Italia is the only major grand tour that is listening to the peloton. Or maybe echo Robbie McEwen’s obvious sentiments about the Schlecks being ruled out of 2012 Tour victory due to the … gasp! time trials .

Numero Dos

Cervélo enters into exclusive arrangement with Pon

Why is this on the worst list? I’ve been down this path many times before. These sorts of arrangements beget the massive corporatism that follows. What made Cervélo a great brand and a great bicycle? Two gents who showed they had a heart for the sport, maybe sometimes too much heart, like the idea of creating a professional team that may have wiped out significant cash holdings. While some may say that this development gives more opportunity to the brand, like when Cannondale was bought out by that Canadian bicycle conglomerate, it also signifies a change of direction that could cause the death of the product. Time will tell.

Numero Uno

Bicycling Magazine January issue

I refuse to link to it. Refuse. I haven’t read the thing for several years, but a friend dispatched a copy for me to peruse, showing me what they have to suffer with on the wrong side of the Atlantic. Funny thing is, the cover could have been from five or ten years ago. “Get Lean Now,” “Stay Warm,” “Pasta Can Improve Your Riding,” “The Best New $2,000 Road Bikes.” Folks, it’s time you came up with a new schtick. No wonder Future Publishing is kicking your arse. I think Velonation is getting more hits on their website than you lot are.  The only saving grace? Strickland is still there, and our favourite Chiquita banana, @mplsminx, received a well-deserved mention. Two diamonds surrounded by muddy fooking porcines. Peter Flax is a nice man, but it’s really time to ponder the future of the magazine beyond the new logo. You’re starting down the path that “Velo” (or is it Velonews?) has almost completely traversed. The path to oblivion.

Best Five Things of the Week

Number Five

Emma Pooley confirms she and a cavalcade of teammates join AA Drink-Leontien.nl

Good news for some talented ladies who were almost left high and dry in an Olympic year by the collapse of the Vaughters-led Garmin team. The question is, did this development come about because of the efforts of Pooley, or did the aforementioned Vaughters have a hand in putting the deal together? Since he’s been quiet on the subject, it seems that he would like to close the door permanently on this chapter. It also means that there are several strong women’s teams based on the roster developments for the 2012 season.

Number Four

Ken Sommer leaves ‘The Shack‘

I may have given a hard time to both Sommer and Nygaard last year, but you know, they really are quality guys who do a pretty good job with what they are given. The fact that Sommer joined Nygaard’s exodus from the team shows that maybe, just maybe, he refused to suffer the coming ridiculousness from the Bruyneel-led team. After watching how Becca operates with his riders and ex-members of management, it probably makes sense that Bruyneel has teamed up with the billionaire construction magnate. Sommer’s exit, of course, will be attributed to his desire to move onto new ventures, but behind the scenes probably speaks to his dissatisfaction on how Becca will be allowing Bruyneel to operate. Sommer just went up several hundred notches in my book. Best of luck in the new venture.

Number Three

RCS names fourteen wild card candidates for the Giro and their other races

It is very nice to see that the Michele Acquarone-led organization is following through with their lip service to be a more accessible, more team-friendly, and ultimately a more rider-friendly organization. The fact that they have released the list of the teams in the running for wild cards this early in the season means that they are holding true to the values that they have touted as central to their mission. Nice also to see a tour organizer stay consistent with their follow-through. This is testament to great leadership by a gentleman who, in fact, is now blogging for cyclingnews.com, where he actually explained the process for wildcards. Wow. Novel concept. Setting a bad precedent for yours truly…

Number Two

Inner Ring breaks an omerta to discuss Makarov and Russian Cycling

A fine article well worth the read. The great bard of cycling refused to connect the dots and make the allegations that Makarov has links to the Russian criminal underworld, as he confided to me that he didn’t want a pair of  “concrete Sidis.” Good point. The troubling part of this equation is the amount of nepotism, corruption, and rampant cronyism in the sport that leads to ties with the criminal elements of the world. However, just do a Google search for igor makarov semyon mogilevich and see what turns up. And don’t go near any cement mixers.

Number One

Chloe Hosking calls Pat McQuaid a “dick”

What else would you expect to be numero uno on a list from yours truly? Let the dick jokes commence.

The trio of striking styles took center stage over the actual presentation, reducing UCI President Pat McQuaid’s choppy Skype appearance to insignificance in addition to overshadowing the main presenter’s blatant facial homage to Billy Bob Thornton.

The Giro Contestants

It should be noted that the three distinctive styles adopted by those at the presentation reflected, in some respects, the lack of originality in the cycling peloton. The group was revived, however, by a breath of fresh air in the guise of new Giro Director, Michele Aquarone, who adopted a simple but elegant ensemble punctuated by his gracious vocal style, which included a nod to his meteoric predecessor, Angelo Zomegnan.

Of the Rooster/Scruff/Bald stylings adorning the present members of the peloton, Jon Gadret and former Marco Pantani teammate Stefano Garzelli led the way with “bald.” While Garzelli’s style seemed less Romulan than normal, it was Gadret who took the prize for best bald, thankfully minus his typical smattering of facial piercings and his smouldering Nico-Roche-inspired angry face.

While the bald category may have been sparsely represented, several hundred entrants comprised the “rooster” category, duly noted by the RAI’s Alessandra de Stefano, who almost fell off the stage during the proceedings due to the massive contingent of preening cocks presented. One clear winner emerged in the form of CyclingNews‘ own Daniel Benson, whose style received a massive lift due to the presence Mario Cipollini a short distance away. The aura of Cipollini decidedly gave Benson the rooster category win, which he punctuated with his question – intelligently answered by fellow category member Jakob Fuglsang.

Presentation proceedings took a break with the requisite U2 “Beautiful Day” montage, duly noted by Daniel Friebe of ProCycling Magazine via his twitter feed, before the scruff category came onto the stage. Scruff finalists Thor Hushovd and Ivan Basso engaged in a duel for the coveted award, and unfortunately for Basso, his dramatically receding hairline was no match for the closely-cropped stubble skull look made famous by the Norwegian former world champion. Also of note was a lifetime achievement award handed out in the scruff category to Paolo Bettini, bringing many in the audience to tears.

Mafioso category contestants were strangely absent, no doubt intimidated by the presence of the aforementioned Cipollini.

The route presentation concluded with a bizarre hallucinogenic musical number complete with Girbecco, the giant Giro d’Italia plush bear, playing keytar for bedazzled Danish jazz singer Malene Mortensen’s strangely tuneless vocal performance, to which Alberto Contador and Stephen Farrand could be seen gyrating together, smiles more than present.

Overall, the 2012 Giro d’Italia route presentation was one of the best in years, a promising harbinger of the race itself, commencing in Herning on May 5th, 2012.