The newest member of the AMPU in Lausanne, Francesco Conconi

“We have examined what is required for us to catch those who continually flout the system, and in conjunction with the Athlete Passport Management Unit in Lausanne, we have determined a better course of action to ensure the safety of sporting criteria in cycling,” commented an unnamed representative from the AMPU.

The new panel will consist of Michele Ferrari, Francesco Conconi, Eufemiano Fuentes, and Luis Garcia del Moral.

“All four have extensive practical knowledge to aid in our ability to interpret the data and determine if sporting values are being manipulated. In fact, most have presided over medical and sporting value panels in the past,” continued the AMPU representative.

When asked if the appointment of these four individuals had anything to do with his resignation, Ashenden was blunt in his retort.

“I’m not really concerned about the fact that these four are now ‘the panel,’ I’m more concerned that the Lausanne crowd responsible for allegedly conspiring to hide Armstrong’s doping positive are the foxes in the hen house.  I mean, c’mon, can we make the game just a little more obvious please. Please?  The level of cloak and dagger skullduggery by this omertà is positively staggering. I’m going back to kayaking,” concluded Ashenden.

When reached for comment, UCI spokesperson Enrico Carpani offered additional information.

“We are no longer directly involved with the biological passport programme. That task is now farmed out to the Athlete Passport Management Unit in Lausanne, which is at present a separate private profit center created with UCI monies from the now defunct ProTour fund. With this new business entity, our plans are to revolutionize the bio passport programme business in the same manner that we have revolutionized race organization with Global Cycling Promotion,” commented Carpani.

UCI president Pat McQuaid was unable to be reached to contribute to this story, as he was circulating in the elite track cycling circles of Australia. He was last seen in the company of Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard at an exclusive Livestrong fundraiser.

Ferrari, Conconi, Fuentes, and del Moral plan on holding a WorldTour orientation session in September to acquaint the pro peloton with the “new rules” for 2013.

Virenque poses with the new SaxoBank-Sungard media liaison (photo courtesy of Cyrille Margarit)

“With new technology at my disposal, coupled with my rockstar good looks, this peloton is ripe for the picking. I firmly believe that if Lance Armstrong can succeed with ‘Comeback 3.0′ in triathlons, there’s no reason why I can’t give it a go again,” declared an emphatic Virenque.

He continued,”I’m thrilled that medical advancements have made enhancing your performance by natural chemical means so much easier than when EPO was in its heyday. No more vampires, no more messy transfusions, and no more positive tests. After all, if it mimics a substance that the body already produces, why should it be illegal?”

Team manager Bjarne Riis was happy to welcome Virenque back to the ranks of professional cycling.

“Richard has demonstrated to me that with assistance from our medical team, he can compete with the athletes of today. With the recent challenges to our roster, he is a welcome addition and a known champion,” stated Riis.

When pressed on what medical advancements would allow him to compete at the professional level, Virenque was open and honest, a trademark from his Festina days, “Haven’t you all heard about AICAR yet? I mean, all the top dogs at the top teams are using it and WADA can’t detect it, even though they are still trying to screen for the stuff. It’s increased my endurance by 44 percent, and that’s ALL my endurance, including in the bedroom, right ladies?”

Riis attempted to downplay Virenque’s comments by stating, “If you can have Coca-Cola and coffee, why not AICAR? It is the UCI and WADA’s double standard. Politics are destroying our sport. But I can’t concern myself with that. I have a team to run, and I have riders to care for that have sworn their allegiance to my life philosophy.”

Noted WADA consultant and anti-doping expert Michael Ashenden offered his two cents,”Sport governing bodies are a joke. I’m going kayaking.”

The former seven-time King of the Mountains winner will be targeting the overall at the Tour de France, since, as he declared, “The Mod (Brad Wiggins), the Chin (Cadel Evans), and the Softie Twins (Schlecks) are no match for my manhood. It’s going to be a great Tour. Mark my words.”

Virenque must pass two team physicals and will be available for autograph signing at Club Man Ray this Saturday, and will be joined by club co-owner Johnny Depp for a few song and dance numbers.