Ryder in his early days, conquering mountain passes for Subaru/Gary Fisher. (photo courtesy of Vancouver Sun)

However, the celebration was marred by the realization of many key Canadians that their hero hasn’t lived in the country for a number of years. In fact, Ryder Hesjedal splits time between Maui, Hawaii in the off-season and Girona, Spain during the racing season.  The Canadian press was slow to react to this information, as many made the assumption that he still lived in Victoria, B.C. This information did not escape the scrutiny of the Canadian prime minister’s office, which monitors all prominent Canadians and their potential threat to national security.

“We are thrilled to have a Canadian-born winner of one of the three major Grand Tours, and we’re hoping to see Mr. Hesjedal repeat his efforts for a Tour de France win, and also a Tour de Spain win,” commented the prime minister’s office.

“I would like to welcome Ryder back to my country  as a conquering hero and hope he would consider moving back home to further his success on the world stage. We are willing to provide him with corporate tax relief, and a nice summer home in Muskoka as a generous gift by Tony Clement on behalf of the Harper Government/Conservative Party of Canada,” declared a magnanimous Stephen Harper via his PMO office underlings.

Owen Wilson, part of Ryder Hesjedal’s “Maui Posse,” offered his thoughts on the offer from the Canadian prime minister/dictator for life.

“Hey, you know, it’s great and all, but Ryder’s just not that style of dude. We have a chill existence here in Maui, and like, cars and stuff really don’t cramp our style. The water’s cold up there in Canada, and wet suits aren’t good for the environment. We’re at one with the world here. And he’s such an ambassador for our surfer way,” philosophized Wilson.

Canadian cycling pundit Bob McKenzie of extremecanadiancycling.com was surprised by the offer.

“Considering that the mayors of all the large Canadian cities want to run over cyclists since according to them they don’t belong on the road, I’m very surprised by the offer. Harper must be worried about public opinion finally turning against him. I mean, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford basically wants to put all cyclists in jail for just owning a bike,” commented McKenzie.

Former Canadian professional cyclist Brian Walton also chimed in with his thoughts on the offer.

“You have to realize that Canada Cycling pretty much ignored Ryder for the first 5 years of his career, so I think the offer from Harper is a nice gesture. I doubt that Ryder will take him up on it, though. He likes going home for a few weeks and then getting out of town,” stated Walton

Canadian Cycling official Gord Fraser was unavailable for comment.

Hesjedal will be taking some time off before heading to France to help his Garmin-Barracuda teammate Tom Danielson in his bid for Grand Tour glory.

Lance Armstrong starting 2nd lap of swim at 2011 Xterra World Championship (photo by David Tjhio)

“I’ve let the entire cancer community down with another in a string of non-winning performance in the past 18 months. The Livestrong community expects me to win at every event I enter, which hasn’t happened for quite some time,” relayed a sullen Armstrong.

Armstrong’s 23rd place overshadowed a phenomenal performance by Austrian Michael Weiss, who was the actual winner of the event. The jublilant Austrian’s press conference, however, was interrupted by Armstrong’s bellows of comeback 3.0 at the back of the room, swaying the press corps’ attention away from the victor.

“After a few seconds of deliberation, it is my intention to return to the sport of professional cycling. I have already spoken with my mentor, Johan Bruyneel, who is welcoming me with open arms to his new team that was to be led by the Schleck Brothers. I look forward to potentially helping, or inspiring, or torpedoing, their efforts to win a Tour, depending on whatever I feel like doing at the time,” declared a stubborn Armstrong.

When asked about his present physical condition, which some noted as bearing a remarkable resemblance to Jan Ullrich’s current physique, Armstrong responded by shoving the reporter against the chain link fence encircling the finish zone.

“That’s bullshit. I’m not going out like that asshole riding retirement ‘fundos’ in Miami – I’m hanging onto fierce competition with the only f**king deathgrip I know how, so f**k off,” responded Armstrong to the query.

Johan Bruyneel – who spent two days on planes just to be by Armstrong’s side in Hawaii for the announcement – was beaming from ear to ear.

“I am welcoming the only family I have back into the fold, doing the only thing I know how to do, to raise the Lance banner one more time in Paris. And no this isn’t about trying to hide an embarrassing tri finish for the best athlete ever to grace the planet,” stated Bruyneel.

When asked about the reaction of the Schlecks to the announcement, Bruyneel was candid. “I’ve never told any rider other than Lance about anything that happens within a team, so why should I start now? Mark my words, Lance will be on the podium in Paris.”

The Schleck brothers could not be reached for comment due to their shopping excursion in Monaco, looking for an appropriate congratulatory baby gift for Mark Cavendish and Peta Todd.