Serenity now: Cavendish finds time to explore a burgeoning career as a landscape artist painting beautiful scenery. (image by photopress.be via cyclingnews.com)

“I have to admit, it’s been a bit difficult adjustment for me at OPQS after a year of absolute trials and tribulations. I’ve had to come up with another hobby to occupy my time,” stated the British superstar at a pre-Tirreno Adriatico press conference in Donoratico.

Last year Cavendish had a challenging season of excessive team infighting with his childhood mate Brad Wiggins. The turmoil culminated with Team Sky former directeur sportif Sean Yates stating over the radio at the Tour de France, “Who the f**k cares where Cavendish is right now, he can fetch bottles until the Champs.”

“Every day there was something new that I had to respond to on Twitter, or a phone call I had to field, or stupid questions I had to answer about riders from the tainted era, all because Brad couldn’t play nice with the press,” commented Cavendish.

The Manxman had to cope with juggling not only the demands of being one of the sprinting superstars of the sport, but also how to deal with a lack of internal team support when Sky principal and Doctor Evil doppelgänger David Brailsford elected to give his all in achieving the goals of Bradley Wiggins.

“I didn’t even get one of those superbikes like Brad rode at the Olympics. Thank goodness they didn’t put me on bottle duty at the last minute during the road race. It was touch and go for awhile, but they still screwed me up for any chance of a medal,” commented the Manx Missile.

With that chapter closed, Cavendish has taken up painting to fill the gaps.

“Since I don’t have to deal with all those team politics anymore, life has been pretty easy. In fact, with all this free time from not having to be on the phone constantly, I’ve had time to learn how to paint landscapes. It’s been quite therapeutic. Plus, Boonen has been fun to cook with when he comes over to my place,” continued Cavendish.

Cavendish’s new benefactor, Zdenek Bakala, noted how talented Cavendish has become as a painter.

“It’s quite possible the challenges Mark faced last year have taught him the patience to become an accomplished artist. His latest work has garnered the attention of art critics in London who were very impressed with his technique and subject matter,” stated Bakala.

Cavendish is thoroughly pleased with his new hobby and the ability to spend more time with his family without having to satisfy the “ridiculous” media requirements of Team Sky. He also hopes to be able to rekindle his sprint rivalry with Andre Greipel at Tirreno.

“Both Andre and I are tranquillo now. It’s almost as good as our time at HTC with Bob (Stapleton). I’m looking forward to us dueling at Tirreno. I’m also pleased I’m doing the Italian races this year, as I don’t think I could handle awful French food this early in the season,” concluded Cavendish.

The first stage of Tirreno-Adriatico  kicks off Wednesday with a team time trial on the picturesque coast of Italy just south of Pisa.

They haven’t been separated for long – but already both Bernie Eisel and Mark Cavendish are reminding each other just what their former partner is missing out on in the flat, sandy, and nondescript Tour of Qatar.

While the tall, chiselled Eisel beat out Cav in the battle for crumbs in the opening stage of the race through the flat, sandy and nondescript Qatar desert, the bespectacled mini Clark Kent lookalike from the Isle of Man showed his extinguished Austrian flame that he was still the boss with convincing solo sprint win on Tuesday’s stage three and Wednesday’s stage four through the flat, sandy and nondescript Qatar desert.

A glum Cav and Bernie knew their love couldn’t last forever

The two companions split up during the winter when Cavendish accepted a job overseas in Belgium. After painful talks, Bernie decided reluctantly (for the two shared a very special connection) that he wasn’t prepared to make the move himself. The Austrian powerhouse was content with his current role working in the distribution and delivery arm of UK-based media giant Sky Corp – and the offer of employment for a split role divided between a Brussels pharmaceuticals giant and a laminate flooring manufacturer just did not cut the mustard.

A tender moment between Bernie and Cav in happier times

“It wasn’t easy,” Eisel told media when quizzed about the much-publicised split during the recent Tour Down Under in Adelaide. “It definitely wasn’t easy,” he added, a salty glaze appearing across those piercing, nutty green eyes of his.

“I think it will take us some time. I think the first real test will be in Qatar when we race each other. That’s going to be strange. He’s going to be in my way. I’m going to be in his way. He’s still one of my best friends,” said Eisel in his inimitable Austr(al)ian accent (shall we call it Teutonicaroo? Or perhaps Austratonic?).

Well, Bernie was right. In stage one of the Middle East’s premier stage race – which can be pretty much summed up as cycling in an overly large golf (or gulf) bunker – Eisel was very much in Cavendish’s way; so much, in fact, that his former lead-out man actually pipped him to the line, Eisel taking fourth and Cavendish sixth, after the big sprinters were denied by breakaway Brent Bookwalter (BMC) and his two Swiss cronies, Martin Elmiger (IAM Cycling) and Gregory Rast (RadioShack-Trek).

Eisel had also previously explained how he and Cavendish had grown apart; how their close bond had unravelled after being probed and explored as far as it could, with Eisel becoming very much the passive ‘bear’ of the relationship, his input somewhat under-appreciated and taken for granted.

“At the beginning he was like my little brother,” Eisel told Cyclismas’ own older-yet-straighter-edged sibling, Cyclingnews. “I could teach him things and he taught me a lot, too, but over the last two years I realised I couldn’t teach him anything anymore. He’s ready. But I still miss him. I miss his reactions. It’s like being with family; you know how he’s going to react.”

Brian Holm, who worked with the pair at HTC and who is now reunited with his protegé Cav at Omega Pharma-Quick Step, is confident his star rider will be able to move on by keeping busy, working hard and mixing “with the Belgians” (although this may be some kind of euphemism for something involving copious swathes of mayonnaise).

Cav is desperately seeking a new BFF

“Replacing Eisel doesn’t happen overnight,” said agony uncle Holm. “At the end of the year, he’s going to have a new best friend. It’s like breaking up with a girlfriend – you find a new one. Bernie is a fantastic guy. I really like him. I worked with him for five years, but like everything in life, it comes to an end.”

Noises from within the OPQS camp suggest that Cavendish has not replaced Bernie with a big Belgian; instead he is grooming Matteo Trentin, the young Italian sprinter. Their levels of flirtation have reached such an advanced level that Cavendish is already posting photos on Twitter of his room-mate snoozing in their large double bed.

Seeing his ostensible replacement in such a tender snapshot is said to have deeply saddened Eisel, who was driven to remind Cavendish just what he was missing with his fourth-place ride in the opening stage of Qatar, from the improbably named Katara Cultural Village to – that’s more like it – Dukhan Beach (via sandstorms, gale force winds, and broad motorways).

Cav gave his ex a metaphorical slap in the face on Tuesday, biting back with a well-oiled win after seeing his former right-hand-man only manage to guide his new Norwegian partner to a sixth-place finish. He then further compounded the misery on Eisel with a second win on Wednesday – achieved without anything remotely resembling a lead-out – to take the leader’s gold jersey.

The whole dynamic is a bonanza for psychologists the world over.

“Cavendish was able to move on from his previous ex, Mark Renshaw, very easily precisely because Renshaw was no longer anywhere to be seen in the workplace,” said Professor Karl-Heinz Konfitüre der Träume, a relationship psychologist from the Institute of Zwolle (currently on sabbatical from the Humanities department of the University of Saxony).

“But things initially appeared very different with Eisel. The Austrian is so hurt he’s been reduced to passive-aggressive games – pipping Cavendish in a worthless sprint in a vain attempt to make the Englander so sad and wistful that it not only affects his performance, but also makes him desire for the ultimate forbidden fruit.

“In Germany we have an expression – lebenslanger rhabarbermarmeladeschatz leidenschafts – which roughly translates as ‘the treasure that is a sumptuous rhubarb marmalade made from a lifetime’s passion’. Well, Bernie wants Cav to think of him as a particularly tasty jam that can no longer grace his pretzel.”

Professor Karl-Heinz does not envisage a happy ending for either party.

“What was a rather civil partnership may now plummet to something noxious, rum, and unsavoury. In Germany, we say unschmackhaft untergang seelisch – which loosely translates as a type of unpalatable emotional sunset. With Cavendish coming out on top for two days running, I wouldn’t be surprised if Eisel now reacts by trying to win the Qatar king of the mountains competition – he will be that disorientated.

“To make matters worse, Cavendish’s gold jersey will remind Bernhard of the gold jersey he helped his former HTC brother win in the 2010 Vuelta. Imagine that: it’s like a girl seeing their ex partner – how do you say? – out on the pulling while wearing that snazzy shirt you bought for him for his birthday. There will be some tears in the pillow tonight in Qatar.”

In an aside, the pensive German professor explained his reservations about Qatar being on the World Tour race calendar in the first place.

“Cycling is as much about the journey as the result; the geography, history, and gastronomy of the area being traversed is integral in the enjoyment of the race from the spectator’s point of view as well as for its place in posterity. In this respect, Qatar is merely a long-haul stop-over for a bunch of cyclists making their functional journey back from Australia to Europe,” he said, before being wheeled back to the institute for his afternoon cup of cocoa.

Regardless the benefits or disadvantages of holding an early-season stage race in a petro-fuelled pancake-flat desert deprived of delectable podium girls or anything remotely resembling a twin peak, the road is clearly going to be a bumpy one for at least two riders this week as Cavendish and Eisel get to grips with life apart.

Wiggins in happy times on his throne at the Olympics (courtesy of Eurosport)

Wiggins was honored to receive the International Flandrien award, but failed to attend the ceremony due to a previous engagement – reportedly a jam session with musicians Paul Weller and Liam Gallagher at Wiggins’ new penthouse in London’s West End.

When reached for comment, Wiggins spent a half hour gushing about Mark Cavendish and how he deserved the recognition for raising the profile of British Cycling to the international stage, and how exciting it was that cycling has started to climb up the sporting ladder in his adopted country.

“It’s amazing how I have singlehandedly raised the profile of professional cycling in England. There’s nothing like jamming with Paul and Liam and getting requests from Bono to record a new version of Lemon with David Guetta. It’s fantabulous. Oh, and I couldn’t have done it without my mate, Mark Cavendish. Too bad he’s leaving. I really, really, really, really wanted him to stay,” commented Wiggins.

When asked if the accolade from the Belgian news agency would ever give him the thought of returning to the nation of his birth, Wiggins left the door open.

“Sometimes the absolutely meteoric rise of my status can be a little bit too much to handle. Thankfully, ever since Mallorca I’m back to smoking again to keep me calm. It’s precluded me from racing with Keisse at the Ghent Six, but of course the multi-million euro fee we requested might have been a little steep for Sercu anyhow. I told him I’d consider moving back to Belgium as compensation. Boonen says the fans in Belgium let him do his thing and leave him alone when he’s not racing, unlike stupid punters here in England,” mused Wiggins.

The English media were quick to discredit the honor, including an anonymous BBC presenter who may or may not have been Hugh Porter.

“Belgians? Honor? Receiving an award from that country is like receiving an academic award in sixth form. Why on earth this is news is beyond me. It’s just those Belgian bastards trying to ride English coattails again,” stated the BBC presenter.

When told Wiggins was born in Belgium, the BBC presenter wasn’t impressed.

“Birth doesn’t make champions. Thank Christ we rescued the lad from that giant producer of farm shite,” concluded the presenter.

Wiggins with supermodel Erin McNaught, with whom Wiggins has been rumored to be seeing as of late. (Photo courtesy of McNaught’s Instagram)

Wiggins plans on committing to a couple more races before withdrawing at the last minute, prior to his month-long holiday “somewhere warm with half-naked women, lots of booze and plenty of spliffs.” No word if the half-naked lady portion of the equation included supermodel Erin McNaught.

Wiggins still might be planning on “hinting” at a “possible” “late entry” into the Tour of Beijing, “just to mess with Purito” and his WorldTour overall victory, which is expected to flood the cycling press 24 hours prior to the start of the race.

Cav turns his back on Team Sky for a contract with Simon Cowell

“Following a difficult year with Team Sky that culminated in frustration at the Tour de France and utter disappointment in London, I have decided to take a break from the sport of cycling to reflect on the future of my life and my professional career,” declared Mark Cavendish at a makeshift conference Sunday night at the British House in the Olympic Village.

With his partner Peta Todd at his side and flanked by a smirking Cowell, Cavendish outlined the offer from the music mogul and X-Factor executive producer.

“Simon has graciously extended an offer to impact the future of music in England. As everyone knows, I’m a huge music lover and I know good vocals when I hear them. Simon also said that I need to think of my career after cycling. Besides my wonderful family, there’s more to life than just winning sprints and setting records on the bike,” commented Cavendish.

Cowell was quick to point out the Manxman’s caché. “Mark is a brilliant young man whose talents were completely and utterly wasted this year at Team Sky. He’s been on my radar since his days with my good friend Bob Stapleton, and I felt now was the best time to pull the trigger on an offer before that guy with the airline got his talons into Team Sky,” chuckled Cowell. “I have almost never been wrong in spotting talent. I think this young lad has a bright future in the industry, and I’m more than willing to take him under my wing.”

When asked what Cavendish’s role would be on the next season of X-Factor, both Cavendish and Cowell were tight-lipped.

“All we’ll say is that I’m looking forward to Mark’s role on the next X-Factor. The viewers on ITV will be in store for a treat, and the British music scene will never been the same,” commented Cowell, adding that the contract was for two years with the option of renewal for both parties.

Cavendish refused to comment on the challenges at Team Sky that culminated with Team Sky principal David Brailsford baiting Cavendish to find a job elsewhere on a team in 2013 after the superstar expressed his disappointments and frustration with his racing schedule and support. Brailsford has been criticized in the British media for “abandoning” Cavendish in favor of a team utterly and completed centered on Tour de France champion Brad Wiggins.

“Look, I like Brad, and I like the team. My problems with Team Sky have nothing to do with my mates. I’ve already accomplished what I set out to achieve in cycling, and it’s time to take a break to see what I can attain off the bike,” concluded Cavendish.

Brailsford was “gobsmacked” by the announcement and rather upset that Cavendish would conduct the press conference “in his house on his turf,” according to anonymous British Team Sky freelance media sources. The Dr. Evil doppelgänger was seen at the Olympic Velodrome moments after the announcement, chain-smoking and yelling loudly at his right and left arms, Shane Sutton and Rod Ellsworth. After several failed attempts, Brailsford finally managed to tip over two stands of GB cycling equipment in anger and then stormed off, refusing to comment.

Episode 9 of X-Factor begins next month, with the most anticipated season launch to date.  Stay tuned to the X-Factor website and cyclismas.com for future details on the Cavendish X-Factor experience.

Wiggins has certainly enjoyed his red carpet ride around France, courtesy of Froome and the rest of Sky’s serfs (photo courtesy of ITV)

“I’ve always been someone who wishes to move on to new challenges. Now that I’ve conquered my first Tour de France it’s time to attempt a feat that has only been accomplished three times in the history of the Tour. I want to wear yellow from the prologue all the way to the Champs-Elysées next year,” declared Wiggins.

As an avid student of cycling history, Wiggins stumbled upon the legend of Ottavio Bottecchia – the first person to wear the yellow jersey from start to finish as winner of the 1924 Tour – via a conversation with famed Scottish cycling journalist, Richard Moore. Moore was turned on to the story of Bottecchia by Herbie Sykes over an espresso in 2006 during a very animated Giro d’Italia.

“I know that I’ve promised Chris (Froome) that he could have a shot at the Tour in 2013 and that I’d support him, but I think my goals are more important than his. After all, I’m higher on the seniority scale in GB Cycling and I don’t feel I’ve reached my peak yet,” continued Wiggins. “I think I have a chance at equalling a feat only done three times in Tour history, and one that hasn’t been accomplished since 1935.”

Team Sky boss David Brailsford confirmed his support for Wiggins in his plan for 2013.

“Considering that Brad and Fabian were the only two to wear the yellow jersey in the entire 2012 Tour, and the fact that we pretty much intimidated every single team in this race, it is distinctly possible that Brad could wear yellow from start to finish in 2013. No one can match our team strength on any stage on any day,” mused Brailsford.

Eurosport cycling pundit David Harmon concurred with Brailsford.

“Until the rest of the peloton grows a backbone, or Contador stays out of doping troubles, cycling is Wiggins’ domain to plunder as he wishes. He rides on the front for the sprints, and otherwise sits third wheel the entire race. He is a throwback to the great Kings and Queens of England. He truly is the king of cycling, no offense to Mark Cavendish or Sir Chris Hoy,” declared Harmon.

Former Tour de France champion Greg LeMond weighed in with his thoughts.

“Wiggins could lead the race, but only if Team Sky buys Alberto Contador’s and Andy Schleck’s contracts to sit them out of the Tour de France for the rest of their careers, or have them ride the front in support of Wiggins like they forced Froome to do this year. It’s what Hinault did, and also wanted to do to me back in the 80s,” stated LeMond.

When asked about Wiggins’ statement, Chris Froome refused to comment directly.

“We’ll start with the Vuelta and the Olympics, and see what happens from there. Anything is possible for 2013,” said a muted Froome.

Stage 19 is Saturday, which should be the 53.5 km time trial coronation of Wiggins into his role as King of the Tour de France.

Stannard is concerned about the immigration of Belgians like Wiggins tainting the purity of Team GB cycling team selections. (Source: European Pressphoto Agency)

“Look, they’re great riders and all, but none of them were born in England. I mean, Wiggo is Belgian, Froome is Kenyan, Cav is from some Isle in the middle of the ocean, and that Millar guy is from way up north. What has happened to our cycling programme? We can’t grow our own talent so we have to bring it in from elsewhere? Isn’t this against the spirit of the Olympics?” commented an exasperated Stannard.

Stannard went on to state that the country’s obsession with winning and fame has put the entire nation at risk, especially considering the current political and economic climate.

“It’s complete and utter madness,” fumed Stannard, “How do you think (Jeremy) Hunt, Swifty (Ben Swift), and Burkey (Steven Burke) feel about being displaced by foreigners? It isn’t right I tell you. I don’t care what the odds are for a medal with the transplants. It should be done the right way, or not at all,” concluded the Chelmsford lad.

The selection of the British road team has been mired in controversy ever since Wiggins came out against the inclusion of  Millar for Team GB, creating a shitstorm of immense magnitude, and dividing the British cycling nation in half. Wiggins has made overtures to heal the chasm between the two, and as of late, Millar has “accepted” the overtures.

However, the comments by Stannard highlight the challenges facing David Brailford as he attempts to cobble a team together that features a potpourri of nationalities, competing agendas, and a history of disagreements.

“I really don’t give a shite where they were born. As long as they agree to my agenda, they can ride for me. All five riders are committed to winning, and Cavendish will be on the top step in London where he belongs. I’ve planned this for five years, and nothing will stand in my maniacal ways,” commented Brailsford, despite the fact that he had seven cigarettes simultaneously attached to his lips.

We attempted to reach British pundits for comments, but due to the nature of the news, they were all too busy fawning over Brailsford and unable to comment. However, Phil Liggett did offer his feelings on Team GB.

“I don’t think Armstrong is guilty. It’s an absolute witch hunt. I will be banging this public relations drum every single day on NBC. I don’t care what Joel Felicio says in my ear,” declared an allegedly senile Liggett.

Team GB goes into the Olympic road race as heavy favorites.

Cavendish is taken out by the irregular sprinting of Roberto Ferrari (photo courtesy @UCI_Overlord)

Ferrari was, at first, completely unaware of the kerfuffle he caused, continuing to finish the sprint and then leaving the scene of the crime like a newspaper delivery truck clipping a London bike commuter.

When asked about what happened during the stage, Ferrari responded with, “I have nothing to say about that.”

When asked about what he had to say about being relegated for his highly irregular sprinting, Ferrari replied, “I have nothing to say about that.”

When asked whether or not the Kennedy assasination conspiracy theory had validity or not, Ferrari replied, “I have nothing to say about that.”

When asked if he felt Liz Hatch was one of the hottest women related to the sport of cycling, Ferrari replied, “Absolutely. She has one of the best cycling figures in the sport. Plus she knows how to handle herself on a bike. Who wouldn’t think this is attractive, no?”

Team owner Gianni Savio moved in quickly to protect his star sprinter, as pitchforks and bonfires surrounded the Androni team bus. With a contingent of unruly Team Sky punters holding an effigy of Ferrari – concocted very quickly, as only English punters can do on short notice – Savio was forced to announce this declaration to soothe the unruly crowd:

“After numerous threats to the well-being of Roberto Ferrari due to his actions, which have been declared an act of ‘terrorism’ by the U.S. Department of Homeland security based upon his alleged attack on Taylor Phinney, and at the request of the UK Home Secretary to have Ferrari extradited to England as an enemy of the state for actions against Mark Cavendish, we felt it was best for Roberto to go into hiding in Venezuela,” relayed a sullen Savio.

Details were sketchy at press time, but according to sources inside the Androni team, Venezuelan presidente-for-life Hugo Chavez made the phone call to Savio, as a sponsor of the team, to offer his protection against the ‘Imperialist Anglo Empire’ on behalf of Ferrari.  It is, however, unconfirmed if this sprinter protection program will be commencing right away or later on during the Giro.

Tonight the riders begin the long 1600 km trek back to Italy for stage four. It remains to be seen if Ferrari will be making the transfer with the other riders.