And so it came to be that Mario Cipollini – aka ‘The Lion King’ – was ensnared by the continued fallout from Operacion Puerto, the former world champion and self-styled playboy on two wheels accused of spending some €130,000 in four years on the services of the dastardly doctor Eufemiano Fuentes.

The sum almost outdoes Cipo’s total fines in Swiss Francs paid to the UCI over the years for his penchant for wacky skinsuits, the 42-year-old father of flamboyance boasting more career uniform violations than Lady Gaga. (A modest €130,000 is, all things considered, quite a good deal in the light of Lance Armstrong’s alleged $465,000 bill to Michele Ferrari – and Armstrong never achieved his success while being able to smoke cigarettes in the saddle).

Italian newspaper Gazzetta dello Sport claims Cipo bought EPO and blood transfusions seemingly at the same rate as a kid in a candy store – with peak purchase coinciding with Cipollini’s historic 2002, in which the Italian speed stallion won Milan-Sanremo, Gent-Wevelgem and the world championships road race.

Fuentes – being the magnanimous soul that he is – threw in a free vial of growth hormone during one of the controversial deals. It is thought that Cipollini used the growth hormone in a bid to bulge up his guns ahead of showing off his most infamous costume – the Saeco muscle skinsuit of the 2001 Giro prologue.

Gazzetta claim that Cipollini’s home fax number appeared in Fuentes’s client list, and that the star was referred to as both ‘Maria’ and ‘CP’. It has previously been reported that Cipollini went under the alias of ‘Pavarotti’.

All in all, it looks about as dodgy as a balaclava-sporting crook offering you a bunch of discounted Cervelo bikes complete with full Garmin technology in Provence last Sunday.

Cipollini has, of course, issued a full denial with regards to these “false and absurd” accusations. His defence – issued by his lawyer – is perhaps the most Italian thing Saddleblaze has witnessed since seeing a portly white-haired man pinch the cheeks of a small bambino while serving up gelato in one hand and a pizza margherita in the other.

The fax number on Fuentes’s list, you see, is in fact a local Tuscan telephone number and not one registered in Cipollini’s name. “It’s important to evidence that Mr Cipollini until the end of 2004 was a resident of Monaco as confirmed by the sentence of the Florence Appeal court that cleared him from crimes of tax avoidance,” said this caricature of a lawyer.

What’s more, all the other riders implicated in Puerto had “just a single code name” whereas “it seems that Mario Cipollini has three code names.” As a defence it’s about as strong as Chris Froome in an arm wrestle.

But the plot thickens.

Saddleblaze can reveal here in this column that Mario Cipollini’s implication in Operacion Puerto has far-reaching consequences – and could indirectly affect the whole of the Catholic church.

The announced retirement of Pope Benedict XVI on Monday sent ripples throughout the entire world – ripples that could rampage through the professional peloton like a tsunami.

According to knowledgable sources, the Pope handed in his resignation in the knowledge that he was about to be outed as a client of Eufemiano Fuentes. Joseph Aloisius Ratzinger is said to be the figure behind the hitherto unidentified code name ‘Würst’ – presumed until recently, perhaps for obvious reasons, to belong to Jan Ullrich.

Catholic support for cycling is well known (photo courtesy of Jeff Gross, Getty Images North America)

Cardinal Ratzinger’s career had seemingly stagnated at the turn of the millennium and his sudden rise from a Germany-based mid-range theologian domestique to leader of the papal peloton in 2005 can now be attributed to the performance-enhancing work of Fuentes.

85-year-old Ratzinger’s failure to sign the Vatican’s zero-tolerance charter issued in the name of the Big Guy in the Sky was a further embarrassment to the Catholic Church.

To make matters worse, it was thought that the Vatican had lined up Cipollini to take over after Ratzinger’s pending resignation – as explains Magnus Anulus, chief correspondent of Vatican Velo magazine.

“It’s true,” said Anulus, “Cipollini had been sought out by the Catholic Church in a bid to improve their appeal to the young and repair the damage done by that cheating American Dan Brown and his seven books starring 41-year-old Professor Robert Langdon with his toned, six-foot physique that he vigilantly maintained with fifty laps a day in the Harvard University pool.”

With his colourful array of comedy skinsuits, it is thought that Cipo would have been the first pope in history in favour of tight-fitting rubber.

“The balls were all in motion. The cardinals were so impressed with his turn as Caesar during the 1999 Tour de France rest day and when quizzed about his past, Cipo swore to the cardinals that he had no involvement with this man Fuentes.

“Who better to take over from a Pope who was embroiled in a doping scandal but a cyclist who wasn’t? The plan for the conclave had even been finalised – once the decision was ratified, the cardinals would burn Mario’s old zebra skinsuit from his Acqua e Sapone days. They had a second opinion from a doctor who confirmed it would burn giving off white smoke,” continued Anulus.

Once the bells were sounded out from St Peter’s, the plan was for Cipo to ride some kind of Vatican Prologue in which he would wear a specially made skinsuit of papal purple.

“I have seen the prototype and it’s a beautiful suit,” said Anulus. “It’s better than the tiger suit and right up there with the gold and white baroque lion outfit he wore at the 2004 Giro with Domina Vacanze. In fact, I would say that it probably even outdid his special pink and grey number he wore in the 2005 Giro prologue before his first retirement.”

Sadly, it now seems that the world will never see Pope Cipo in his papal purple skinsuit. Should legal proceedings go ahead against the former fastest man in the peloton, however, fans of Cipo’s zebra skinsuit may see a new limited edition black-and-white horizontal striped outfit to be worn for a suspended six-month period.

He’ll just have to be careful not to drop the ‘acqua e sapone’ in the showers or all those comments about wishing he was a porn star might come back to bite him in the backside…

Pozzato motors at the E3 (photo courtesy @jeredgruber via cyclingnews.com)

“It is much disappointing for me to see Mario stealing mine and Nibali’s essence after the two of us have such a grandissimo start to 2012,” shared a despondent Pozzato. “After much suffering at Katusha, I am happy to be back in the breasts of Italy. I thank Angelo Citracca for making me comforted.”

Pozzato went on to document the exasperating media push by the “Lion King,” which culminated in a bizarre 35-minute interview during a live Tirreno-Adriatico telecast, where Vincenzo Nibali cemented his status as a GC contender for 2012, and Cipollini attempted to distract the Italian media away from Pozzato’s return to form in this year’s classics.

When asked what specifically bothered him about Mario and his so-called “thunder stealing,” Pozzato was fairly direct and blunt. “He’s old. His physical prowess requires those little pills of energy. This is time he thrusts himself on women half his age, and enjoys the twilight of his lifespan. He should leave racing and attention to the young lions who easily lap his so-called sporting strengthness.”

Members of the press corps pointed out that Mario had achieved this feat by sponsoring a women’s team, and had recently done a photo and video spread in the Hills of Italy, passing on his “training tips.”

Pozzato, unaware of the photo session, smiled in reply. “That is first step of the grandissimo retired champion. I pray his lady team keep him busy and away from the Giro duties, and keep him distracted for the Flanders this weekend,” stated a focused Pippo.

Pozzato heads into this weekend as one of the heavy favorites, but faces an uphill battle against the strong one-two punch of the Omega-Pharma-Quickstep duo of Tom Boonen and Sylvain Chavanel. The Tour of Flanders – minus the Muur and the Bosberg – goes off Sunday.

Hosking gives a great 2012 salute to the Overlord of Cycling (photo courtesy Joe Armao)

Worst Five Things of the Week

Numero Cinco

Chloe Hosking Admonished by Cycling Australia

So let’s get this straight. Hosking is given a “slap on the wrist” by Cycling Australia, and offers an apology to McQuaid. They are even thinking possibly of sanctions or fines for the offense. I find this interesting, considering some of the choice soundbites from the mens’ side of the Aussie contingent and their comments about McQuaid. McEwen anyone? I believe comments out of the UCI by a certain individual could be construed as “dickish.” Yet again, Cycling Australia shows they are out of step with the world climate.

Numero Cuatro

Leipheimer still tweets about Radioshack

Oh Levi, you look great in baby blue, but what does Lefevere have to say about your ridiculous product tweets about Radioshack, like this one? Is there something we should know about the relationship love-in between you and Lee Applebaum? Just a reality check, Levi – you are now riding for Omega Pharma Quickstep. And you look good in blue. Start talking about installing the latest laminate flooring in your Belgian shack. Oops sorry, didn’t mean to say the “S” word.

Numero Tres

Cipollini fires off at Cavendish, must be on Greipel’s payroll

Super Mario just likes to stir the fooking pot. What cracks me up is all the Tweeters from the wrong side of the Atlantic pontificating on how profound Cipo is on the subject of Cavendish. This, despite the fact that most Euro journalists have been extolling his virtues with the same platitudes for roughly four years now. At least. Of course Cipo is right. Of course Cav is wasting his talent, especially now that he’s in the protective cocoon of his home team. I’m waiting for Cipo to say that the UCI is bad for professional cycling, or maybe say that the Giro d’Italia is the only major grand tour that is listening to the peloton. Or maybe echo Robbie McEwen’s obvious sentiments about the Schlecks being ruled out of 2012 Tour victory due to the … gasp! time trials .

Numero Dos

Cervélo enters into exclusive arrangement with Pon

Why is this on the worst list? I’ve been down this path many times before. These sorts of arrangements beget the massive corporatism that follows. What made Cervélo a great brand and a great bicycle? Two gents who showed they had a heart for the sport, maybe sometimes too much heart, like the idea of creating a professional team that may have wiped out significant cash holdings. While some may say that this development gives more opportunity to the brand, like when Cannondale was bought out by that Canadian bicycle conglomerate, it also signifies a change of direction that could cause the death of the product. Time will tell.

Numero Uno

Bicycling Magazine January issue

I refuse to link to it. Refuse. I haven’t read the thing for several years, but a friend dispatched a copy for me to peruse, showing me what they have to suffer with on the wrong side of the Atlantic. Funny thing is, the cover could have been from five or ten years ago. “Get Lean Now,” “Stay Warm,” “Pasta Can Improve Your Riding,” “The Best New $2,000 Road Bikes.” Folks, it’s time you came up with a new schtick. No wonder Future Publishing is kicking your arse. I think Velonation is getting more hits on their website than you lot are.  The only saving grace? Strickland is still there, and our favourite Chiquita banana, @mplsminx, received a well-deserved mention. Two diamonds surrounded by muddy fooking porcines. Peter Flax is a nice man, but it’s really time to ponder the future of the magazine beyond the new logo. You’re starting down the path that “Velo” (or is it Velonews?) has almost completely traversed. The path to oblivion.

Best Five Things of the Week

Number Five

Emma Pooley confirms she and a cavalcade of teammates join AA Drink-Leontien.nl

Good news for some talented ladies who were almost left high and dry in an Olympic year by the collapse of the Vaughters-led Garmin team. The question is, did this development come about because of the efforts of Pooley, or did the aforementioned Vaughters have a hand in putting the deal together? Since he’s been quiet on the subject, it seems that he would like to close the door permanently on this chapter. It also means that there are several strong women’s teams based on the roster developments for the 2012 season.

Number Four

Ken Sommer leaves ‘The Shack‘

I may have given a hard time to both Sommer and Nygaard last year, but you know, they really are quality guys who do a pretty good job with what they are given. The fact that Sommer joined Nygaard’s exodus from the team shows that maybe, just maybe, he refused to suffer the coming ridiculousness from the Bruyneel-led team. After watching how Becca operates with his riders and ex-members of management, it probably makes sense that Bruyneel has teamed up with the billionaire construction magnate. Sommer’s exit, of course, will be attributed to his desire to move onto new ventures, but behind the scenes probably speaks to his dissatisfaction on how Becca will be allowing Bruyneel to operate. Sommer just went up several hundred notches in my book. Best of luck in the new venture.

Number Three

RCS names fourteen wild card candidates for the Giro and their other races

It is very nice to see that the Michele Acquarone-led organization is following through with their lip service to be a more accessible, more team-friendly, and ultimately a more rider-friendly organization. The fact that they have released the list of the teams in the running for wild cards this early in the season means that they are holding true to the values that they have touted as central to their mission. Nice also to see a tour organizer stay consistent with their follow-through. This is testament to great leadership by a gentleman who, in fact, is now blogging for cyclingnews.com, where he actually explained the process for wildcards. Wow. Novel concept. Setting a bad precedent for yours truly…

Number Two

Inner Ring breaks an omerta to discuss Makarov and Russian Cycling

A fine article well worth the read. The great bard of cycling refused to connect the dots and make the allegations that Makarov has links to the Russian criminal underworld, as he confided to me that he didn’t want a pair of  “concrete Sidis.” Good point. The troubling part of this equation is the amount of nepotism, corruption, and rampant cronyism in the sport that leads to ties with the criminal elements of the world. However, just do a Google search for igor makarov semyon mogilevich and see what turns up. And don’t go near any cement mixers.

Number One

Chloe Hosking calls Pat McQuaid a “dick”

What else would you expect to be numero uno on a list from yours truly? Let the dick jokes commence.