Bernard Hinault poses on the podium in Stirling moments before being attacked by an Armstrong supporter (Photo by Jason Kohl Morgan)

The skirmish occurred after the completion of Stage 3 in Stirling, and was apparently prompted by comments made by Hinault in a Rupert Guinness article appearing in the Sydney Morning Herald. Hinault was dismissive of Armstrong and stated the disgraced former age-group swimmer should be completely, utterly, and totally forgotten.

“It was truly unbelievable. The man threatened Hinault with physical harm and then followed up by saying he would spray paint Hinault bright yellow for his verbal transgressions,” recounted an amazed pundit who may or may not have been cyclingnews.com editor Jane Aubrey.

Hinault pushed the supporter off the podium in Stirling, did a double back flip onto the ground below, delivered his trademark “blaireau chop,” and incapacitated the crazed Armstrong fan. In a final display of strength, Hinault grabbed the yellow Livestrong Nikes which were on the feet of said fan, and proceeded to tear them in half with his bare hands, tossing them into the thronging Tour Down Under crowd.

Australian police forces quickly moved in to arrest the zealot, but due to Hinault’s shoe-tearing stunt, the crowds turned surly, attempting to attack the lone Armstrong supporter, prompting the police forces to protect the unfortunate fan. Riot police had to be called in to quell the crowds who were activated by the actions of Hinault, as ardent anti-Lance factions began attacking anyone wearing Oakley or Nike products.

“It was incredible. When he tore apart those running shoes, the crowd just exploded into a massive cheer. It was as if England won the World Cup the noise was so phenomenal,” commented Sky Sports writer Orla Chennaoui, who is in Australia for the Tour Down Under.

“However the joy soon turned to fear, as the crowds turned nasty. It was quite shocking to observe what happened after. I didn’t know clothing could burn that easily,” stated Chennaoui.

Led by noted anti-Lance advocate Martin Hardie, the crowds began building a giant bonfire, tossing in products by companies which had previously sponsored Armstrong. Nike products made up most of the massive stack, but the bonfire also had Oakley and Giro products thrown in as well.

In a scene lifted from Lord of the Flies, hundreds of supporters created makeshift loin-cloths made from modified bib shorts, placed Giro helmets on pikes, and danced around the bonfire for more than 30 minutes before riot police finally made their way into the venue to disperse the angry crowds.

Tour Down Under officials have come under fire, as they had assured the UCI and the teams attending the race that the event would be “100% Lance free” prior to the start.

“We’re rather surprised there are still Lance supporters out there, especially after the Oprah Winfrey interview. We took it for granted that we’d require extra security. Thank goodness Hinault was there to address this situation before it got completely out of hand. Yes there were bonfires and a little rioting, but it could have been much worse,” commented an anonymous TDU official.

Stage 4 begins in Mobury on Friday, with an emergency riot detachment at the ready in case there are any Armstrong supporter copycats looking to stage more trouble for the event.

Cyclismas Let’s start at the beginning. How did you get into doping?

Lance I have never tested positive. I’m walking away from this f**king witch-hunt.

Cyclismas Does this mean you’re having trouble coming to terms with the fact that you’ve been outplayed and outmaneuvered for the first time in your career?

Lance (stony silence, laser-beam eyes boring hole through Mercer’s head)

Cyclismas Let’s change gears here.  Tell about your triathlon plans.

Lance I have none at the current time because f**king Messick doesn’t have a backbone. If it wasn’t for Johnson and the other guys at USA Cycling, I’d be totally screwed. What’s wrong with people these days? Don’t they like the win-at-all-costs mentality? Don’t people like winners anymore? Cycling’s full of losers. I know. I kicked their asses when I came out of retirement to podium in Paris.

Cyclismas Let’s delve into that subject. Why did you come back from retirement? Your return is being discussed as your Achilles heel, opening the door for USADA to move against you.

Lance Honestly?

Cyclismas That would be nice for a change.

Lance Hang on. (dials cellular phone) Hi Mark? Can I spill the beans on why I came out of retirement? Is there any damage to the titles if I share the truth? Yes. Yes. Yes. No. No. He didn’t ask about that yet. It’s fine? Alright. I’ll go for it. (hangs up phone)

Cyclismas So you can tell us the truth on that one?

Lance Yes. I did it for the alimony.

Cyclismas Sorry? Alimony? Can you elaborate?

Lance Sure what the hell. All my ex-girlfriends receive a monthly payment in exchange for their signing of a non-disclosure agreement for keeping my activities private and quiet. I also make substantial payments to Kik for the kids and her lifestyle, not to mention taking care of my kids with Anna. Plus, I just can’t help but have extra helpings, if you know what I mean. Seriously, the number of blondies in Colorado for the US Pro is off the hook. The boys have done some good scouting for me the past two weeks.

Cyclismas So, you’re saying that due to the heavy financial burden of your personal decisions, you were experiencing trouble making all your payments?

Lance Hey now, I always make my payments. Well, to those I like… HA! Seriously though, it was getting a bit thin. I mean, when I retired, people started forgetting about me a bit, so I had to do these appearances at various cancer events, but it wasn’t the same as competition. I couldn’t slam dunk a granny for not keeping my wheel, you know? So when Johan [Bruyneel] and Lee [Applbaum] threw 25 million at me to come back, I thought, hey, well, that’ll solve some of the alimony problems.

Cyclismas Is this why “Big Yellow One” was grounded?

Lance Well, yeah, it was getting kind of tough, and Ulman is my conscience, and he said maybe it wasn’t a good thing to keep the jet flying when so many people in America couldn’t afford their houses and food, so I thought, yeah, it might be good PR for me to fly first class instead. Plus, I had that huge water bill in Austin! Wow, that was a shocker. Got rid of the ranch over that.

Cyclismas So what’s next for Lance?

Lance Well, I need to keep those paychecks coming, or the non-disclosure agreements are null and void. And that could be a big problem. Especially since I pissed one of the girls off, apparently, and she’s already talked to Tygart and those witch-hunters. I think me and Johan are just going to do the Breakaway League without Vaughters. Traitor.

Cyclismas What about all those riders who are still supporting you?

Lance Good thing most of them aren’t too bright. Gives me some breathing room. Plus, I have a year before the UCI implodes, so by then the Livestrong Breakaway Series will be up and running.  Glad I’ve got guys like Chris Horner and Hayden Roulsten in my corner. PT Barnum was right, huh?

Cyclismas “Sucker born every minute,” true. So you’ve got a Breakaway Cycling League, and still many endorsements. The question is are you happy with how your life has turned out?

Lance Dude, I’m stoked. I’ve got houses everywhere, and more money than 99% of America. People keep giving me money, and I don’t give them anything back other than “hope” or “awareness” or “air quotes.” They are all still my yellow army. It’s pretty cool. And McDreamy says I can get a walk-on in his next movie, so I’m looking forward to that.  So, yeah, I’m really happy with how my life turned out. Rich, famous, and babes galore. What more do you need?

Cyclismas That’s the question Lance, how much more do you need?

Lance I’m like Weisel, man. I want it all. Blondes in saunas. Blondes in pools, blondes on the table. And maybe a little other action once in awhile.

Cyclismas Thanks for your time, Lance.

Lance Dude, try that sushi there. It’s like 100 bucks a roll. And try that puffer fish thingy. It’s a gooder. Makes you feel like Zeus, baby.

No.

That’s the simple answer, but the actual answer is a longer one. You see, the RadioShack-Nissan team isn’t the same RadioShack team that the U.S. fans rooted for last year, not even close. Last year, RadioShack announced a “merger” with Leopard that was less “merger” and more a saving face for the once mighty RadioShack roster. Why saving face? Let’s start the journey of discovery in the bowels of the RadioShack corporation itself.

Who holds the licence for the big three? (Photo: RadioShack-Nissan)

Lee Applbaum was the Executive Vice President and Chief Marketing Officer for RadioShack Corporation. Applbaum became enamored with cycling, and was starstruck with the personality that is Lance Armstrong. When Applbaum was approached with the sponsorship proposal by Capital Sports and Entertainment (owned by Bart Knaggs, Lance Armstrong, and Bill Stapleton), Applbaum was thrilled to have the opportunity to be affiliated with not only Lance, but also the Livestrong brand. He approved the deal in 2009, and my sources say that the original deal was for one year with an option for three more. In 2010, based on the success of the first year, it was “renewed” for another three years, and in fact, Johan Bruyneel confirmed that the sponsorship deal was secure until the end of 2013.

However, all was not rosy in the land of “The Shack.” Two members of the board of directors, who will remain anonymous, confirmed to me that the electronics retailer was not impressed with the marketing deal signed by Applbaum. Additionally, both board members allege that based upon the dollars involved, said deal should have been ratified by the board prior to Applbaum’s agreement to the terms of the deal. The majority of the board were allegedly rather disillusioned with the job Applbaum was performing, and he was under the microscope since his approval of the Armstrong marketing deal. Company performance and marketing expenditures were also carefully scrutinized, and word was last July that the sponsorship deal was in jeopardy, and so was the team.

It was rather convenient that Bruyneel and Flavio Becca met with Trek last summer to talk merger. Bruyneel is a very savvy opportunist, and putting his “management ability” together with the top talent of both teams – plus the sponsorship dollars that Bruyneel’s CSE had put together – was an opportunity that Becca couldn’t pass up.

However there was one small snag. According to sources, the RadioShack board was unwilling to sponsor the Leopard Trek team. In fact, the whole mess caused by Armstrong and agreed to by Applbaum ultimately cost Applbaum his job at RadioShack when he was shown the door a few weeks ago. It seems that those powerful forces on the board who were unhappy about the sponsorship deal finally forced Applbaum out. However, I digress.

RadioShack, the corporation, was looking for ways to exit the sponsorship deal. The demise of CSE’s RadioShack-sponsored team would be such a platform as to allow them to exit an arrangement that they wished their at-the-time executive vice-president hadn’t signed. After much negotiating between all parties, RadioShack agreed to continue to pay and make good on the agreement signed with CSE for sponsorship of a cycling team, but refused to rewrite the sponsorship deal. CSE was forced to sign a contract with Leopard in order to transfer the sponsorship. Think of it as a third-party assignment of a sponsorship agreement.

What does that mean? It means making an arrangement to make good on providing money to run the team, to allow Leopard the use of the RadioShack logo and company resources to promote the team, but CSE retained the legal responsibility of the original deal. However, the UCI had a problem with this. In fact, it was one of the two reasons why Becca’s group was called on the carpet with their licence renewal last November. In the agreement between Leopard and CSE, Leopard retained the licence, while CSE provided marketing services for Leopard, and Johan Bruyneel’s management company was contracted to oversee the technical operations of the team, and observes the actions of the employed directeurs.

In fact, to date, Johan Bruyneel is NOT listed on the uci.ch website as the team manager. Why? because technically, according to the UCI, he’s not. He’s not an employee of Leopard. He’s a management consultant.  In fact, if the UCI holds to its rules, Bruyneel requires special permission to be in the team car for races.

The UCI approved this unprecedented team structure, much to the dismay of many teams in the pro peloton. It set a very bad precedent.

Nonetheless, this entire episode of rule-bending has gotten the UCI, Leopard, and Bontrager-Livestrong in a pickle, highlighted by the issues we saw emerge today when the teams were announced for the Amgen Tour of California. How can the development squad for RadioShack-Nissan be allowed to race alongside the ProTour team? Because Bontrager-Livestrong are not the development squad for Radioshack-Nissan.

You see, CSE retained the Bontrager-Livestrong team. It kept the licence for that team with their company. The RadioShack-Nissan team rides under the Leopard licence, held by Becca and his group. Due to the fact that CSE handles “marketing” for both teams, they can get away with some public relations sleight of hand, in order for CSE to keep the Bontrager-Livestrong brand high in awareness. Armstrong’s mingling with the team doesn’t hurt either, and since he’s a part owner, it’s in his best interest to do so. It’s also the same sort of marketing legerdemain that has RadioShack-Nissan thumbing their nose at the UCI by adding the word “Trek” to everything that they possibly can. Like their website. http://www.radioshacknissantrek.com/

So don’t be mad about Bontrager-Livestrong and RadioShack-Nissan riding side by side at the Amgen Tour of California. Be mad that the UCI approved a dodgy management structure for Leopard. Be mad that they haven’t punished RadioShack-Nissan for violating naming rules. Be mad that they are allowing Bruyneel to act like a team manager even though it’s not him who’s ultimately accountable in the eyes of the UCI. Be mad that Becca agreed to play this bullshite game with the modern day snake-oil salesmen at CSE.

Ultimately, be mad that you made one man into such a figurehead that he could do no wrong.

Armstrong and O'Grady in happier times (photo courtesy Cycling Cancer Council Classic)

The chauffeur’s accusations included the assertion that O’Grady attempted to assault him by throwing a wine glass and verbally refusing to put on his seatbelt.  However, Cyclismas has learned that there is a greater conspiracy afoot.

The chauffeur in question is a former LIVESTRONG™ volunteer, who has a history of posting pro-Lance Armstrong comments on variety of websites, including cyclingnews.com, nyvelocity.com, and most recently on Outside Magazine‘s website in relation to the Bill Gifford piece about LIVESTRONG™‘s lack of donations by the organization to cancer research. Rumor has it that this chauffeur is actually the individual who was quoted by Setanta Sports during Bill Gifford’s interview on the Irish program about his article spotlighting the embattled organization.

According to unnamed sources, the chauffeur launched into a verbal assault on O’Grady, accusing him of “turning his well-defined back” on the LIVESTRONG™ brand by leaving the Leopard Trek organization after the merger with Team ShackStrong (trademark pending). The chauffeur accused O’Grady of  “giving in to f***ing cancer,” and hoped that O’Grady’s wife “would choose a life with LIVESTRONG™ by joining the stable of Armstrong’s concubines.”

When O’Grady was confronted with the true nature of the assault, he offered a brief interview on the altercation.

“I was pretty restrained towards the chauffeur. I could have snapped his nose in half after some of the things he said to me. I never expected that I’d be a target by leaving RadioSchleck, but I reckon Armstrong has quite the contingent of wackos in his follower base, nut jobs that really belong in mental institutions. My decision to join GreenEDGE was fully reinforced after that toss up,” commented O’Grady.

Long-time Armstrong observer John Wilcockson offered his thoughts on this new phenomenon that could affect the pro peloton in 2012.

“There’s going to be massive amounts of disallusioned fans as they come to grips with the fact that Armstrong’s actions haven’t reflected his words for a very long time. The implications of this mean that Armstrong followers, especially men, will be lashing out at those seen as turning their backs on Armstrong. O’Grady could be the first in a long line of potential victims of the Armstrong fan base,” reflected Wilcockson.

LIVESTRONG™ CEO Doug Ullman declined to be interviewed for this report. However, Lance Armstrong took to Twitter with a cryptic, “I applaud the actions of those that support my brand of awareness. We will reign in 2012!” He followed it up with pleas for donations to his latest LIVESTRONG™ campaign, “Save the Livestrong Jet.”

O’Grady has refused to press charges, and threw away his yellow LIVESTRONG™ bracelet. He resumes racing at the Tour Down Under on Monday.