French Models are upset by excessively thin cyclists ruining their reputation (image courtesy cosmopolitan.co.uk)

“In their quest to be as lean as possible, professional cyclists have encroached upon the working territory of our modeling constituents. Being excessively skinny and gaunt is their professional domain, and the efforts by these bike riders have jeopardised the reputation of models worldwide,” stated a representative of the legal firm representing FMU.

It seems FMU is taking exception to the current crop of super-thin cyclists sporting a look that fashion models have cultivated over the past 70 years. The fashion industry has been notorious for its drug use, eating disorders, lack of hygiene, and use of any means necessary to stay thin without actually exercising.

“This has been our modus operandi for decades. Now, the professional cycling peloton is taking our carefully cultivated approach and copying our methodology, but with one additional, damaging aspect. They go out and ride 230 kilometres on a bicycle as fast as they can. This is a complete affront to our je ne sais quois,” stated the lawyer representing FMU.

The group cited examples of Vacansoleil’s Lieuwe Westra, OmegaPharma-Quickstep’s Michael Kwiatowski, and the entire Team Sky entourage.

“We can appreciate a model’s desire to be rail-thin, because that’s when the clothes look their best. A mannequin should be the hanger that showcases the ensemble and nothing more. This is de rigeur in the fashion industry, but this is not what cyclists should look like. The last time we saw gauntness and lycra together, it was the disastrous runway collection by Stephen Sprouse that riffed on cycling gear.
 

The notorious Stephen Sprouse collection that is best forgotten

The lawsuit is asking French courts to set minimum-weight-to-height ratio limits on the professional peloton in order to ensure that CPA members not infringe on the reputation of the fashion industry. It is also asking all riders participating in the Tour de France to maintain at least 5% body fat.

Karl Lagerfeld, one of the more prominent supporters of the lawsuit noted, “We have to look out for the reputation of our industry, and preserve the valuable identity we have established. We can’t have people expecting our models to do more than walk down a runway. If professional cyclists are permitted to be excessively thin and also athletic, the general public will begin to expect more from us,” stated the disturbingly-thin Chanel designer from a chaise longue in his Paris atelier.

An unnamed source inside the Team Sky camp was incensed by the move.

“This is absolutely ridiculous. We are free to be as thin as we want. So what if all our riders look like an army of praying mantises when they head to the front of the race and slam the rest of the peloton to pieces while being just skin and bones.  We are allowed to suffer from anorexia, bulimia, and excessive drug use just like the birds in the fashion model industry,” commented the anonymous Team Sky representative.

Cycling pundits around the globe welcomed the lawsuit.

“Frankly I think this whole skinny movement is utterly preposterous. It makes it difficult to photograph the podium ceremony when they turn sideways to wave. They disappear into the background completely. This whole thin thing should be left to marathoners only. And fashion models. We need to bring back the beefcake era. Please. I just am tired of photographing these waifs. If I wanted that, I would have been in Milano for fashion week,” commented one cycling photographer who may or may not have been from Bettini Photography.

The FMU representative concurred. “These specimens on bikes should not try to copy the ‘heroin chicness’ of our clients, but rather should exude strength and power, like Fabian Cancellara, Cadel Evans, Mark Cavendish, or even Pippo Pozzato. These are all strong and virile men with striking chests and thick muscular thighs, especially Pozzato,” murmured the FMU representative dreamily.

CPA representative Gianni Bugno wasn’t available for comment. However, AIGCP-president-under-duress Jonathan Vaughters was happy to supply a soundbite.

“My team has a distinct ‘no insect look’ clause in all our contracts,” stated Vaughters.

The CPA has ten days to file a defense, or faces possible injunctions against the professional peloton as requested by the FMU.

Vaughters models the outfit that garnered him top secret UCI information (photo via Vaughters’ spycam)

“It was one of the toughest decisions of my life, but I had to put my personal feelings aside in order to do what was best for cycling,” commented Jonathan Vaughters, who dressed up as a woman in order to infiltrate the meetings.

“Thankfully the old men around the table didn’t recognize me. Verbruggen and McQuaid both have a penchant for blondes with hot legs, which gave me a massive advantage. The toughest part was having to shave off my sideburns in order to disguise my facial features,” continued Vaughters.

“Undercover Vaughters” was able to discover where Verbruggen has been stashing his ill-gotten millions, allegedly obtained through various acts of graft and skimming. The graft was partially revealed by the Keirin investigation in the late 90s, but the skimming part of Verbruggen’s devious plan had never been revealed until now.

As per Vaughters’ undercover investigation, Verbruggen has been stashing his ill-gotten gains from race organizers seeking preferential treatment, riders hoping for Grand Tour glory, and corporations looking for cycling exposure via accounts based in China. Originally, Verbruggen had his business accounts in Ireland and the Caymans, but after some security compromises, he moved his funds to China.

“Verbruggen likes shorter Asian ladies with hot legs and blonde wigs. In fact, rumor has it his assistant, who is Asian, must wear a blonde wig whenever she is in his presence, which I found out first-hand. Thankfully, I fit the same criteria, which led to my stealthy success,” stated Vaughters.

When asked on whose behalf he was collecting the information, Vaughters was uncharacteristically tight-lipped.

“It’s no secret I sit on the board of every cycling organization and every cycling faction. MPCC, AIGCP, UCI commissions, and even that strange Change Cycling Now Red Brigade Shock Troop who pledge unquestionable allegiance to soon-to-be dictator for life Greg LeMond. However, all my work has been on behalf of PETA. They’re very concerned about the poor treatment of rodents in cycling events around the world,” revealed Vaughters.

“Undercover Vaughters” went on to reveal he obtained the most damning information via secret audio recording during a private hotel event with several other scantily-clad ladies of distinction. In order to achieve the best possible recording, however, the microphone had to be placed in the fanny region.

“I’ll admit, it was a little uncomfortable, but hey, I do what I can for the sport and the squirrels I love. Thankfully, the operation didn’t require me to participate in any Dutch Ovens,” concluded Vaughters.

The intelligence and information gathered by “Undercover Vaughters” has been forwarded to the UCI Independent Commission and to WADA. Both organizations confirmed they were reviewing the materials.

After his outstanding undercover work, Vaughters has been offered a role on the CCNN-TV show produced by Cyclismas. Jonny Gunn, anchor for the broadcast, conducts his own segment entitled “Undercover Gunn,” exposing the seedy underworld of cycling. Gunn has proposed to Vaughters that they join forces to form “G & V Undercover Adventures.” There was no word at press time if this venture was moving forward.

Bruyneel gives a thumbs up to anyone who will pay attention to him.

Witnesses reported seeing Bruyneel on his mobile as he walked into the Indian eatery, Veeraswamy in Victory House, in his home city of London, where he was overheard discussing “that asshole Ferrari” within earshot of waiting patrons.

“It was rather strange. His eyes were bugging out, and he walked into the restaurant alone. It seemed like he was talking to other people besides who he was speaking to on the phone, but there wasn’t anyone else with him,” commented one diner who observed the events as they unfolded at the well-known Regent street restaurant.

Bruyneel then harassed the staff and asked why his table for fifteen wasn’t yet ready for him. When queried on when the rest of his party was going to be joining him, Bruyneel blurted “They’re all here, you twat! Get my table ready! Don’t you know who I am? Don’t you recognize Lance Armstrong when you see him?”

“The whole thing was disturbing. His eyes were bloodshot, his speech was rather slurred, and we were concerned for the well-being of our other patrons,” commented a Veeraswamy representative who wished to remain anonymous.

Bruyneel then paraded around the restaurant, madly typing with his thumbs, announcing to the diners that he would be “fixing Vaughters’ wagon. That liar! That asshole! I’ve got all the dirt on him! The press reports will be out in a few hours. Cycling belongs to me!”

Cyclismas Twitter experts confirmed that Bruyneel did, in fact, transmit two strange tweets referencing Jonathan Vaughters. The Garmin boss took to the social media platform to rebut the Bruyneel attack and confirm to his followers that yes, he was a normal human being who had doped and lied about it, but apologized and took personal responsibility for both.

Upon being summoned by restaurant management, police took an extraordinarily long time to make their way to the eatery, as half of the British police force was on Bradley Wiggins guard duty in northwestern England following the cycling superstar’s recent run-in with a rabid vehicle operator.

“Our slow response time to the Bruyneel situation was due to the fact that much of our police force was guarding the entire Lancashire region. However, we all know Bruyneel is merely a man of words and not really one of action, so no one was in any immediate danger of any kind, other than having to sit through an unexpected dinner theatre performance,” stated a police spokesperson.

As police made their way through the restaurant, Bruyneel dropped to a fetal position underneath a table near the window wall, clutching his phone tightly and muttering, “I have over 100,000 followers on Twitter! I’m still important! Lance! Shield me from the police!”

While law enforcement dragged Bruyneel out of the restaurant, the former winningest Tour de France manager was seen hissing at restaurant patrons, telling them to shut up their legs, and that the truth would come out, finishing with a “I am the rightful king of cycling” flourish as he was escorted out.

Police confirm Bruyneel spent several hours in the drunk tank in the aforementioned fetal position, passed out. The Belgian was released under his own recognizance merely hours ago. There is no word yet from police if there will be any criminal charges filed for the outburst. Bruyneel did not return our phone calls for comment, and Twitter-blocked the entire Cyclismas editorial team moments after our message was left.

Hein Verbruggen basks in the glow of appreciation as a Chinese official smiles at the UCI’s decision to disavow Japan

“We must protect our tenuous relationship with China. I have staked my entire career on my business ventures and relationships in China. In order to appease those relationships, we had no choice but to pass a UCI motion revoking the existence of Japan, until such time as China says it’s okay for them to exist again,” declared Verbruggen at a makeshift press conference in Binondo, a traditional stopping point in Manila on the way to Beijing for the UCI’s honorary president.

Pat McQuaid, also in attendance at the press conference, echoed the sentiment.

“We must protect our tenuous relationship with China. I have staked my entire career on Hein’s business ventures and relationships in China. In order to appease those relationships, we had no choice but to pass a UCI motion revoking the existence of Japan, until such time China says it’s okay for them to exist again,” stated the UCI presidential parrot.

Caught in the mess of the declaration were the thousands of Japanese companies who are involved in the sport – from marketing, manufacturing, media, public relations, sales, and consulting.

“So in the eyes of the UCI, Japan no longer exists. Does this mean we get to yank our massive sponsorship dollars from the UCI, since we are a major sponsor of the governing body itself, with our logo plastered all over their website? The fact they asked our partner, 1t4i, to stay away from the race is an embarrassment to all in the sport,” stated a currently invisible, unknown, and anonymous Shimano spokesperson.

“Good luck with us being involved next year with the World Championships,” added the same invisible, unknown, and anonymous Shimano spokesperson.

Pundits everywhere were up in arms over the action.

“Is it possible to place the heads of the UCI further up the arse of Chinese politicos? Is it? Seriously?” stated one pundit who may or may not have been Neil Browne of Roadcycling.com as he was only partially invisible due to his t-shirt bearing the Specialized logo. [Editor’s note: Specialized manufactures some of their products in Japan.]

However there was an upside to the declaration, as noted by Trek’s Gary Fisher.

“Hey the good news is we can go about racing without being on the UCI’s radar. I mean, maybe we can just go back to business as usual since the Japanese content of race sponsorship, race organization involvement,  and racing products is so high the UCI won’t be able to see any of our events next year. No more UCI is pretty much a good thing for everyone,” stated Fisher.

Garmin-_____’s CEO Jonathan Vaughters was unavailable for comment as he uses a _____ mobile phone, which under the current UCI regime has been rendered non-existent due to the emergency motion passed.

The decision was reached after the UCI came under fire for granting WorldTour status to the race that had never, never, never been run before  despite the long list of requests from other races for WorldTour status – including Strade Bianche and the Amgen Tour of California.

“Look, we make the decisions when it comes to professional cycling. We have the best eyes to see what is best for the sport overall. China is important to us for a variety of reasons, especially for Hein Verbruggen. What we do is our business, and frankly, other organisers who cry foul can stuff it,” commented UCI President Pat McQuaid.

Happier times for Hangzhou as Verbruggen watches over McQuaid signing the agreement with representatives back in March of this year. No reason was ever given for Verbruggen’s appearance, but his involvement has prompted whispers of corruption.

“After all, I spent 20 years toiling in the trenches to get to this spot. I am entitled to personally profit from this sport after all the blood, sweat and tears I put into this godforsaken two-wheeled hell hole,” McQuaid continued.

When it was pointed out that decisions from the UCI should be made by the executive committee and not McQuaid exclusively, the president responded.

“Look, I don’t care if the UCI Constitutions says the executive committee is supposed to be making decisions, or the UCI management committee is supposed to be consulted. This is the way Hein ran the programme. It worked for him. And by God it’s working for me,” issued a tight-lipped McQuaid.

However, all is not rosy for the organization when it comes to the Tour of Hangzhou. As reported by Chinese media last week, as of July certain contracts for Hangzhou-based companies promised by the UCI hadn’t come through, making the government uneasy about the ability of the UCI to follow through with their commitments based upon “substantial” payments to the UCI for the WorldTour designation. The UCI refused to comment on those payments, and refused to acknowledge they existed.

“It’s none of your business,” stated McQuaid.

When asked about Global Cycling Promotion’s balance sheet and why the UCI still hasn’t presented a transparent accounting of the entity’s actions (as it is supposedly part of a not-for profit governing body with a responsibility to share its endeavours with its constituents), McQuaid was again agitated.

“It’s none of your fooking business. We’re done. Fook off,” McQuaid sputtered, hanging up the phone.

Both AIGCP boss Jonathan Vaughters and CPA boss Gianni Bugno refused to comment or speculate on the decision.

Anonymous team managers were not pleased by the cancellation news. Due to the huge expense of sending riders to China, many noted it was hardly worthwhile to send riders to the only remaining race there – the Tour of Beijing – and were pondering a boycott.

Another anonymous team manager mused that with the “imminent death of the Armstrong Cabal in Aigle,” Beijing might not even be in existence in 2013, pending the rumoured inquiries into UCI activities.

Verbruggen and McQuaid shake hands on everything when it comes to “preserving” cycling’s integrity (Image by Cor Vos courtesy of Pedal Magazine)

The press conference, held at the mountain biking venue at the London Olympics and occuring during the men’s MTB race on the final day of the Olympics, comes after a tough two weeks for the current and past presidents of the UCI with charges of collusion and corruption coming from WADA and USADA in the Armstrong case.  The latest controversy arrived after Garmin-Sharp-Barracuda CEO Jonathan Vaughters admitted in the New York Times that he doped during Verbruggen’s reign as president.

“We will not let this attack against the good name of cycling stand,” declared McQuaid, “We have ruled cycling with an iron fist and defended our interests in the sport with unwavering authoritarian democracy. We have filed lawsuits against many, many, many, many others and Jonathan Vaughters statements will not go unpunished.”

McQuaid arrived at the decision of having the UCI sue both the New York Times and Vaughters after taking twenty phone calls from Verbruggen early Sunday morning in London, followed by a thumping at the door of his London penthouse, just after breakfast, from Verbruggen.

“Hein was the best UCI president we have ever had. He took road cycling from obscurity to being one of the best and most well-known sporting pursuits in the world. Road cycling is our entire focus of the UCI. Road cycling is what pays our bills at the UCI. We need to protect the integrity of road cycling in order to preserve the cycling brand overall and worldwide,” continued McQuaid as Verbruggen whispered in his ear.

When asked about the timing of the piece in the newspaper Verbruggen was candid, while McQuaid retired briefly to change from his clean shirt into another clean shirt retrieved for him by one of the Olympic volunteers.

“Vaughters has obviously come under the EVIL influence of USADA mafia don Travis Tygart and that man with no conscience David Howman who apparently runs the WADA people. These are all men who are conspiring to take away what we have tirelessly built.  Vaughters has embraced an anti-cycling agenda. He has joined those who have campaigned against cycling for the past fifteen years. I will NOT accept this attack,” asserted a visibly animated Verbruggen.

McQuaid revealed the lawsuit would be filed in Swiss court Monday or Tuesday, once he was done counting the Olympic money.

VeloNews editor-in-chief Neal Rogers, who attended the press conference and was rather stunned by the announcement, had this to say:

“It seems the only opinion that is allowed in cycling is either Verbruggen’s or McQuaid’s. Or maybe opinions they’ve approved. Glad to see that Enrico [UCI spokesperson Enrico Carpani] didn’t have to go searching for a desk chair after the lounge chair debacle from the other presser,” stated Rogers, alluding to the McQuaid press conference where the Irishman attacked the charges by USADA and WADA against himself and the UCI.

Eurosport pundit David Harmon weighed in with his thoughts on the situation.

“For an organisation and men who are preaching anti-doping messages, it is interesting that the choice of action is to attack, deny, and sue. This should cause the cycling public to pause and reflect,” concluded Harmon.

Vaughters, when reached for comment, had a short statement.

“This is only the beginning. If I were Hein and Pat, I’d be looking for an exit strategy rather than filing lawsuits,” declared Vaughters.

When reached for comment, the New York Times legal team had this response,

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Hah.”

It remains to be seen if Vaughters’ admission is timed to coincide with the additional evidence requested by Judge Sparks in the Armstrong case. Vaughters refused to comment if he would respond to the lawsuit, preferring to wait and see if he was actually going to be served, as many alleged lawsuits by McQuaid and Verbruggen have never come to fruition.

* * * * *

@sarcastitom Dude, I am Jedi at that shit.

— Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) August 1, 2012

You know what I mean by “non-denial denial”.  In cycling, for better or worse, we’ve seen scores of them.  Especially since Floyd (Landis, not the barber or Abrams) spilled his guts about his old friends and teammates.  For example, there’s George Hincapie’s statement:

“I have been a professional on the circuit for 17 years — which is one of the longest careers in the peloton. During that time, I have earned the respect of my peers and a reputation for working hard, honestly and honorably,”

But George didn’t actually deny doping. He knows that and we know that and he knows that we know that. (I swear that’s grammatically correct).  It serves for most of us as tacit acknowledgement of his past.  But it leaves us as satisfied as a eunuch in a whorehouse. A couple of days ago, Vaughters did the opposite. He talked extensively about his (way past alleged but still not totally explicit) doping history without ever actually admitting to anything.  It started off with this innocent little incendiary device:

I wonder if anyone is curious as to why I quit racing at 29, and walked away from the last 2 yrs of a pretty phat contract? Must be crazy.. — Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) July 31, 2012

Stir the pot, JV.  Ostensibly when he retired he said it was to spend more time with his family.  Not to say that’s not true – his son Charlie was just toddling I believe – but it’s pretty rare that family is a reason all by itself.  “I want to spend more time with my family [and by the way my job is worse than self-impalement]”, or “I want to spend more time with my family [so the indictment doesn’t harm the company]” or something like that.  And obviously since he’s asked the question he’s not going to just say “for the family” and move on to shaving his sideburns into an argyle pattern. What followed can best be described as a Twitter interview.  Vaughters is known for his openness, but over the next several hours he answered questions with a frankness and general lack of dick jokes that surely meant he’d run out of wine.  So for the sake of maintaining a historical record, or perhaps just because I need to get a life, I’ve tried to present it all here. I went chronologically and weeded out some excess JV fluffing, because who wants to see that?

@jforbes004 Thanks, but I never regretted my decision. — Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) July 31, 2012

OK, that was JV-fluffing, but it’s nice to know he’s happy with his choice.

@swisssinclair If an injury is being physiologically scarred, then yes.

— Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) July 31, 2012

And according to his bio at SlipstreamSports.com:

In 2003, at only 30 years old, Jonathan decided to step away from a successful, but tough professional cycling career. He was perhaps young to retire, but clearly had maximized his abilities at a somewhat earlier age than most through ground-breaking training techniques, and extreme focus.

“…ground-breaking training techniques”?  Don’t worry, he’s not nearly so evasive as you get farther into this.

@vivavelo No, no… That wouldn’t address my own demons sufficiently.

— Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) July 31, 2012

(And no denial of seeing others dope. Not a surprise, just sayin’.)

@fmk_roi No… Kimmage knows the full story. But it was never part of our formal interview. — Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) July 31, 2012

When I was younger I didn’t get that people like Kimmage who love to rattle their sabers aren’t doing it solely because it makes their sabers feel so good.  Their sabers are aroused because they’ve been privy to a dopers’ peep show that would curl a meth addict’s toes.

@bjbbiker 500,000euro per year. — Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) July 31, 2012

For comparison, when Landis left USPS at $230,000, he was hired by Phonak for $500,000 (probably Euros, but not positive).  I guess JV was more than just a pretty face with bee sting scars.

@farts4lance @laura_weislo @broomwagonblog @fmk_roi @sarcastitom @vivavelo No, I think I will.

— Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) July 31, 2012

At which point some asshat on Twitter promptly made a snarky comment about JV having a book deal.  Oh wait, that was me.  Never mind.

@susanswarbrick Yes, a bit of that, for sure.

— Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) July 31, 2012

No JV, she said “penance” not “Penzance.” We know how he loves musicals.

@scalaresorpasso No, NO…. Credit Agricole was a clean team. Roger Legaey gave me the license to ride clean, even if it was a bit slower.. — Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) July 31, 2012

His staunch defense of both Agricole and Legaey comes up a few more times.

@propheteer1 Or dope and win, but then stop doping and stop winning… then realize it’s a big game, and not play anymore. — Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) July 31, 2012

His beating about the bush is getting steadily closer to the bush.  Dude, close the deal.

@andrew317 No… Not from Credit Agricole. But I got tired of disappointing them.

— Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) July 31, 2012

Credit where Credit is due I suppose.

@getoffthesofa No… I should get on that.

— Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) July 31, 2012

What’s the holdup?  It’s not like you need anybody’s Tygart’s permission to do that.

@jmbeaushrimp Close.. I had immense respect for Roger Legeay. Was a bit tired of disappointing him. 2 ways to stop disappointing him. — Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) July 31, 2012

Ok already. Did Roger or Agricole sponsor your book deal or something?  And that’s the second time you’ve mentioned disappointing them.  Sounds a little slavish.

@cokesdonegal Legaey knew I would be limited in some ways. from the day he signed me. Love that guy. But I didn’t like letting him down. — Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) July 31, 2012

@cokesdonegalBetter to walk away, than walk back into the mess….or continue to let down people you respect.

— Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) July 31, 2012

This is the bringing us pretty close to an answer for his original question.  And yes, we really get that you were very eager to please them.  What was your safe word?

@foxmia1971 Not management at credit Agricole. Absolutely not. But more pressure from within.

— Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) July 31, 2012

Are  you trying to tell us something about how you feel about Credit Agricole?  I’m still not quite getting it.  And no, folks, for once “pressure from within” is not some kind of innuendo.

@orcyclingaction Totally agree. “Everyone dopes, so it’s fair” is a crap argument on many levels….cultural morals, different physiologies — Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) July 31, 2012

He’s talked about this before, not really a surprise.  The next one’s quite a bit more interesting:

@frstback Tried? I’m no puritan. sometimes you have to step away from a bad situation as opposed to always getting twisted up in the choices — Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) July 31, 2012

Man.  It’s so hard to read between the lines here, JV.  You’re being so vague.  Does the puritan comment mean you slept your way to the top?  I’m just so confused. Yes, it’s not exactly news.  He’s made it pretty clear in the past that he’s used “product” that’s way beyond hair gel, but this is certainly one of the better examples of him talking about his doping very plainly but without the actual words “I doped.”

My team from 2000-retirement was credt agricole. Management was absolutely anti-doping. I hated letting them down when I couldn’t win.

— Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) July 31, 2012

Again JV, this time with feeling.  And finally, we’re about to get something like an answer:

@cokesdonegal My conscience wouldn’t let me take the money. My conscience also wouldn’t let me go back… So, stopping was the only option.

— Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) July 31, 2012

He won’t say it but I can.  His conscience wouldn’t let him go back to doping.  He had some major success due to the dope and became a high-paid blue chip rider for a team where he didn’t have to dope any more and made more money.  So for somebody who is not a puritan, but still maintains some qualms about his doping, he’s really found a “win-win” situation.  The only thing missing was an actual win. Basically he couldn’t perform because going off the dope left him somehow physiologically damaged at least for a while.  There’s no honor in wasting his team’s time and money failing to deliver wins, and no honor in lying to his team (risking their reputation) to deliver the wins he’s being paid for.  He did end up riding for a domestic team for half a year before totally throwing in the towel.

@petervdveen Uh…yeah. — Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) July 31, 2012

Well, Peter is being quite clueless.  But honestly, this is another brilliant non-admission.  It sounds like he’s saying “Yeah, I took dope to win,” but he leaves that nice lawyer’s loophole just to torture us – he can always claim he meant “Yeah, it does sound like that.”

@susanswarbrick @cokesdonegal I don’t know? Just sort of crept up on me… — Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) July 31, 2012

@kenbobpryde They did. I just answered with some BS.

— Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) July 31, 2012

So wait… not following this part.  Do you mean to say that when dopers are asked about their doping they might actually <gasp> LIE?

@lsvlkirk No. Not at all.

— Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) July 31, 2012

I think if we eliminated dopers from management and coaching, even I might become qualified for his job. This is also a good time to point out that he’s explicitly said there are no deals in place protecting him (then again we just found out he is a “known liar”). Apologies for the odd formatting that follows:

@pllb Old news. We covered a story maybe 2 years ago in which @vaughters mentioned being no stranger to the “hot sauce” (paraphrasing) — John Galloway (@sofaboy) July 31, 2012

@sofaboy @pllb And green chile. It’s really quite good. — Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) July 31, 2012

@sofaboy @pllb And the only way any semi-sane person chooses that path, is if they have some pretty deep scars to drive them.

— Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) July 31, 2012

To me, his desire to keep his riders out of a similar situation also speaks to his hiring practices.  Basically he won’t hire someone with a known or suspected doping history unless that person is open and honest about their past and realistic about their expectations of future performance.

@ericthedead With all revealing photos as well…

— Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) July 31, 2012

Is he making a dick joke, or …

Cyclevaughters: floyd has a photo of the thing

Dang, where did that come from? Twitter didn’t even exist back then… anyway. There’s a little more yada yada about his angst and his motiviation…

@theanaloglife I think the only way you could choose to take on that fight the way i did is if you’ve got some pretty nasty angst from past. — Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) July 31, 2012

@1973mlb No regrets. Made a way bigger difference doing what I’m doing. — Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) July 31, 2012

@cokesdonegal And that’s why you need someone like me to help these guys out – make sure they don’t end up stuck..

— Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) July 31, 2012

Well, I guess Twitter is a lot cheaper than therapy. Moving on…

Now back to fart jokes.

— Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) July 31, 2012

And that’s the end of the show. Or is it? Well, there was one short followup after that:

@sc_cycling Quite a bit, I’d imagine.We were a successful team, in a limited way, but we all were proud of how we did it. That had to spread — Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) August 1, 2012

So clean, they shine! So now he’s definitely done, right? Right? Maybe, a few hours later just one more person might have some questions? (And again, apologies for the tweet formatting).

@danmaize No.The team was clear:No doping. But we were barely getting into the big races and needed results. I knew how to get that done.. — Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) August 1, 2012

@danmaize So, choice was: Go back to something I’d walked away from and lie, or disappoint Roger, who I really liked. Disappoint either way

— Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) August 1, 2012

@danmaize When I speak out against the points system, theres a reason: I know the internal consequences of a points system gone wrong.

— Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) August 1, 2012

@danmaize So, as opposed to torturing myself with should I do it again/should I not? Every single waking moment, I just walked. Sanity>$$$ — Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) August 1, 2012

This is perhaps an even clearer answer to his original question.

@danmaize think all the guys were a bit vexed; reality is O2 vector drugs r more important for climbing than other aspects it hit me hardest — Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) August 1, 2012

So  JV, does this mean transfusions or EPO or transfusions?

@danmaize That’s a complex answer. Never had a transfusion. Takes an infrastructure and medical staff for that. Can’t just “sneak” it..

— Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) August 1, 2012

Well.  EPO then.

@danmaize But to be clear, in no way is a transfusion a gateway drug! It’s risky and takes a whole crew of medical staff. Bad news.

— Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) August 1, 2012

@danmaize Yeah… I see what you’re saying, but from a health standpoint, transfusions in a non-hospital setting are scary.

— Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) August 1, 2012

Or in other words, health concerns trump ethical concerns.

@danmaize Thanks for listening to me in an unbiased way. I appreciate that more than you think.

— Jonathan Vaughters (@Vaughters) August 1, 2012

So that’s it.  All in all, there really was no jaw-dropping bit of unexpected information for the more cynical among us. This is very much what we might have expected.  Nevertheless, I’ll be the first to admit that my jaw was more than just ajar.  We’re so accustomed to the never-ending platitudes, the dodging of the question, the non-denial denials, that when we see someone go off the script, it feels like finding an ocean in the middle of the desert.

Jonathan Vaughters Lance Armstrong in 1999 at the pre-Tour medical check
Photo: © AFP Photo courtesy CyclingNews.com

Just yesterday, we found out that the UCI has been having a bit of a spat with USADA.  UCI had requested USADA’s case files on Lance et al, which USADA (rather bluntly) refused.  That’s a whole ‘nother thing that’s not directly related to all of this. But along the way USADA had this to say:

“If UCI is truly interested in setting up a special panel to deal with doping, it should not be for one case, rather UCI should ask (the World Anti-Doping Agency) to establish an independent body akin to a Truth And Reconciliation Commission, where the skeletons of doping in cycling can all come out of the closet, the many cyclists who have doped can come clean and cycling can go forward with a fresh start.”

Thanks to Mr. Jonathan Vaughters going off his meds (wine) for a day, we’ve got a glimpse of what that might look like.

Jonathan Vaughters (Credit Agricole) takes a turn on the front
Photo: Rob Karman courtesy of CyclingNews.com

Bugno spent the day in a VIP media car, which subsequently was removed from the Tour “for excessive alcohol consumption,” and could not contain his frustration as he watched Cavendish “hump bottles like a sleazy Saudi camel” and tow the front of the peloton as if he were a “lowly Bangkok rickshaw driver.”

“Team Sky are a disgrace to cycling. They should be upholding certain standards as the team with the special honor of having the world road race champion, especially one recently declared the greatest sprinter of all-time by L’Equipe. A man of his stature deserves an entourage and red-carpet treatment, not the asinine disgracing for the service of that guy wearing the maillot jaune,” Bugno spittled. “When I was world champion, I never fetched a bottle, no matter how much better a teammate may have been, and that includes Laurent Fignon. What’s next? Being demoted to shuttling groupies to the leader’s room?”

In fact, Bugno feels that this could, in fact, damage Cavendish’s confidence heading into the Olympics as the reigning king of the roads.

“How would you feel after you’ve achieved a world-class stature only to have some depressed ex-Olympian with bad hair order you around? Not only is it a confidence killer, but Brailsford is playing with fire. What happens if Cavendish is injured humping bottles? Mark is also exposed to potential injury as he is expected to sacrifice himself and his bike for the supposed greater good. This smacks of communism. This isn’t cycling,” an emphatic Bugno declared.

Cycling pundits were also awestruck by Cavendish’s requirements for the Tour de France, including ex-professional Tony Rominger, who rode a short time with world champion Johan Museuuw in 1996.

Cavendish “disgraces” the rainbow stripes, according to Gianni Bugno (photo courtesy Bettini Photo via cyclingnews.com)

“I think there would have been a civil war in Belgium if I’d ever asked Johan to fetch me a bottle,” commented Rominger.

Even Garmin-Sharp head Jonathan Vaughters was surprised by Brailsford’s requests of Cavendish during the Tour de France.

“I had the world champion in the guise of Thor Hushovd in 2011. I could barely get him to ride, let alone fetch a bottle. I think if I’d even attempted to ask, I would have received a fine and a lawsuit from Pat McQuaid and the guys in Aigle for unprofessional conduct unbecoming the rainbow stripes,” stated Vaughters.

Bugno added one last comment before hit went “clubbing” in Pau.

“I pray for Team Sky and David Brailsford that they win the Tour. If they don’t and it all goes out to sea, Cavendish will be beside himself losing out stage wins to inferior sprinters in the form of Peter Sagan and Andre Greipel. It will be a Tour that he’d rather forget, and it could mean his departure from Team Sky if he’s expected to do the same for either Chris Froome or Wiggins again next year. This is an utter shambles and complete disgrace to the honor and tradition of the rainbow stripes,” concluded Bugno.

Representatives from the UCI were not available for comment. The Tour pauses in Pau for a rest day on Tuesday.