Makarov in happier times at the UCI championships in Copenhagen. The billionaire’s financing of UCI headquarters will save the embattled sport governing body

“This is a momentous day in the history of cycling. We have secured the long-term financial viability of this sport of two-wheels with the sale of UCI headquarters to one of the best, most finest human beings on the planet, Igor Makarov. His selfless interest in cycling is well documented, and we are happy to have completed this deal,” stated UCI vice-president Renato di Rocco.

The deal was crucial for the UCI, as soon-to-be former president Pat McQuaid had expended the entire UCI reserve fund, along with the remaining funds in the ProTour reserve fund in his bid to create a smokescreen to distract the cycling public from the legacy of corruption, cronyism, and nepotism that marked his reign and that of his best friend forever Hein Verbruggen.  McQuaid had reached out to several Swiss banks in a bid to mortgage the montrosity known as UCI Headquarters in Aigle, but after his desperate letter to the IOC begging for help, the Swiss banking circuit declined to assist.

“It was really dire times. Our main partners were refusing to pay their sponsorship dollars, which made it difficult for the team in Aigle to keep the lights on. In fact, the electricity the headquarters was consuming while trying to battle the entire world caused the Swiss energy commission to demand a reduction in consumption, or the UCI would have to pay for a new hydrodam to be constructed,” stated di Rocco.

UCI employee Jarvier Barrio concurred with di Rocco’s comments.

“Since McQuaid and Verbruggen had been handing out six figure salaries like drunken Enron executives, our overhead is astronomical. If we hadn’t put the Makarov deal together, I have no idea how we would have met payroll in March,” commented Barrio.

The Makarov deal will have no direct impact on the day-to-day operation of the UCI. Rumors of Makarov moving into the office space next to the UCI presidential office, formerly known as “Verbruggen’s dirty lair,” have not been confirmed as of press time. However, the resignation of Pat McQuaid was one of the key points in the transaction.

“While Igor was demanding Pat to stand down immediately, especially after the Katusha debacle that was completely mishandled by the existing power structure, we were able to receive a concession of Pat retiring when his existing term is up,” stated a representative from Ernst & Young, the organisation handling the transaction on behalf of both parties.

Pundit reaction around the cycling world was mixed.

“So does this mean Makarov will be the next UCI president? This has been the pattern for the last 25 years. Cycling seems to kiss the arse of the money men in the sport. I’m hoping we’ll have a change, and maybe Tracey Gaudry might show all these old cronies how to run an organisation properly,” stated a journalist who may or may not have been Rupert Guinness.

“I’m not sure what the fuck I’m going to do. I banked my whole career on the Verbruggen/McQuaid/Armstrong money train. I mean, I’m too old to start over, and I haven’t been wise with the money they all threw at me. What’s a middle-aged, bald, and slightly plum photographer going to do now?” stated favored UCI suck-up Graham Watson.

The financing deal is set to take effect March 1st, with the funds paid out monthly via a structured 10-year program, since Makarov has concerns about UCI bureaucratics burning through on the dough in the first month.

Farrar just prior to launching a profanity-laden tirade upon losing to Cav yet again (Photo: hbvl.be)

“I received notification that my conduct following stage two and stage three violated my UCI-imposed post-stage morality contract clauses agreed to after my Tour of Qatar verbal barrage. WorldTour coordinator Jarvier Barrio served me verbally and via a written UCI injunction shortly after yesterday’s stage of the requirement to spend time away from cycling competition to address these issues,” an uncharacteristically reserved Farrar stated at the press conference.

The UCI, fed up with the profanity-laced finishes at which Farrar excels, made the verdict during a review of Farrar’s Tirreno conduct at an emergency UCI management committee conference call late Friday.

“We are a professional organisation that requires the utmost respect for the fans and the viewers around the world. Farrar’s verbal assaults may be the result of an undiagnosed Tourettes Syndrome, but his medical history is not our problem. However, due to his immense talent – no matter how misused by Jonathan Vaughters – we feel that two months in Aigle attending our Pro Peloton Public Relations Training Course, along with the UCI Anger Management class, will go a long way towards rehabilitating this fine young man,” stated Barrio.

Farrar, for his faults, seemed tranquil and at peace with the decision.

“I think this just may be the time that I need to figure out exactly what kind of pro cyclist I want to be. I’m going to stop listening to those who want me to be something I’m not. I have to thank Nicolas Roche for coming forward and stating in a Eurosport UK interview that he’s really a stage hunter masquerading as a GC contender. I think that was the wake-up call I needed to be at peace with this UCI notification,” commented Farrar.

The Team Garmin-Barracuda CEO was also surprisingly serene with the decision.

“I’m proud of Tyler. In fact, I’m even more proud that he has made the decision to give his roster spot to Franco Pellizotti. We will be inserting Pellizotti as our GC man for the Giro d’Italia effective immediately,” commented Vaughters.

When Vaughters was asked a follow-up question moments later in reference to who would be the protected rider for the classics season rather than Farrar, Vaughters replied, “Tyler who?”

RCS Sport, the organization running the race, were happy to see the UCI follow through with the threat of removal for violation of morality clauses. An unnamed source stated that Farrar’s expletives were a huge stumbling block for confirmation of additional English-language rights holders for 2013, especially in the United States, where profanity and bodily exposure are met with huge restrictions.

After a long conference call between UCI president Pat McQuaid and Slipstream Sports sugar daddy Doug Ellis – brokered by Hein Verbruggen – it was agreed to let Farrar finish Tirreno-Adriatico and commence his UCI two-month rehabilitation on March 14th. There is no word whether Farrar will contest for the green jersey this July at the Tour.