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You can be pretty sure that one of the people who stayed up in his London home until 2am GMT to watch Lance Armstrong’s back-to-back interviews with Oprah at the back end of last week was his old directeur sportif, Johan Bruyneel.

Remember Johan? The guy who in August tweeted: “When has “seven” been “seven” and then not anymore? NEVER…”.

The guy whose reaction to Tyler Hamilton appearing on 60 Minutes with flowing, wavy locks to discuss his doping expose ‘The Secret Race’ was once again summed up in a succinct tweet back in September: “Thinking about writing a book. Apparently, it makes your hair grow…”.

The guy who recently had a pop at Jonathan Vaughters for blocking him on Twitter – although it is thought that Bruyneel has given the same treatment to around 80% of his own 101,250 followers.

The guy who described the recent Change Cycling Now summit in London as a meeting between “a bunch of douches.”

The guy who in November told his followers that “this ain’t over yet, people.”

The same guy who, a month earlier, stressed that “there’s always two sides to a story. Coming soon!” and who – according to Dutch newspaper De Telegraaf – is working on a book that will give his version of events of the U.S. Postal years.

Given that the 48-year-old Belgian is thought to be still planning to go forward with his arbitration with the US Anti-Doping Agency, this promises to be quite a read (although book shops the world over will have their work cut out in deciding whether to place the product on their ‘fiction’ or ‘non-fiction’ shelf).

Anyway, it’s hard to know exactly what’s going through Bruyneel’s head because he’s kept a low profile since being dismissed by RadioShack-Nissan-Trek in the wake of the damning USADA documents being made public.

Bruyneel makes a point at not talking to the press or his critics, preferring to communicate his steely defiance through the odd wine-fuelled tweet.

But while Armstrong himself swiftly took down a reference to his seven Tour de France victories in his Twitter profile, Bruyneel simply updated his to: “7 plus TWO = 13″ (the 7 refers to his Tour wins with Armstrong, the TWO his victories with Alberto Contador, and the 13 his total Grand Tour scalps as DS, including overall wins in the Vuelta and Giro for Roberto Heras and Paolo Savoldelli).

Well, never one to disappoint, Johan could not resist posting a subliminal message the day after the second part of Armstrong’s interview with Oprah elicited such a frosty reception that five inches of snow fell over most of western Europe.

Johan’s Twitter feed contains no reference to the interview but on Sunday he posted a picture of the breakfast table spread for his daughter’s ninth birthday party. And sitting on a plate in the middle of the picture are – at least for those blocked followers like Saddleblaze who can only view a thumbnail of Johan’s pictures – seven yellow cupcakes.

Elsewhere in the cycling world, the fallout from “Doprah” continues with Jan Ullrich – the German juggernaut considered by Armstrong to be his biggest rival both on two wheels and in the doping laboratories – promising not to follow in the footsteps of the American “and speak before an audience of millions – although some have asked me again and again, and perhaps expect it”.

Speaking to the German magazine Focus, the 39-year-old stressed that he was no longer interested in the past, adding: “I live in the here and now – very happily.”

The sausage-obsessed Thomas Gottschalk

But sources close to Saddleblaze have revealed that these denials are a mere smokescreen, with Ullrich in advanced talks with German TV channel ZDF for a two-hour one-on-one live interview with the eccentric talk show host Thomas Gottschalk.

Ullrich is said to have finally caved in to pressure to lift the lid on his past after watching his old foe’s enhanced performance alongside Oprah.

“When he heard Armstrong talk so disparagingly about the East German doping programme of the 70s and 80s, Jan flipped. How do you say in English – it was the stick that whipped the camel’s hump,” said the unnamed Bavarian source (not to be confused with Bavarian Sauce, a curry-based gravy very much enjoyed by Jan Ullrich as a condiment for his daily bratwurst snack at elevenses).

Jan was also said to be “apoplectic” that Armstrong was once overheard bragging that Ullrich was “his bitch,” that he wasn’t as good as cheating and that he was overweight.

“Jan didn’t mind being called a bitch and a cheat and all that other stuff, but – how do you say? – being called fat really pushed him over the ledge,” confided the Munich-based source.

Initially it was thought that David Hasselhoff would conduct the interview in a bid to not alienate audiences in the US – but Ullrich reportedly thought this was too gimmicky. Instead, producers have their hearts set on household favourite Gottschalk, a dapper TV veteran who is the record-breaking face of Haribo and also starred alongside Whoopi Goldberg as a sausage-obsessed German cook in Sister Act 2.

“Jan is a big fan of Gottschalk – not only of his TV work but also his filmography,” said the source.

Ullrich, who won the Tour de France in 1997 and retired in 2007, is currently serving a two-year ban after being implicated in the Operacion Puerto doping ring. Last year, ‘Ulle’ was stripped of his results from 2005 onwards, losing his third place in the 2005.

“Jan’s biggest concern about doing a TV interview is being stripped of his 1997 Tour de France title. It’s easy to see why: for seven years he was bullied by Armstrong and notched more second-places than Raymond Poulidor. But now Armstrong has lost his seven Tours, Jan is set to go down in history as a more successful rider than the Texan. Such a turnaround is life-changing.”

Part of the deal that sees Ullrich open up to Gottschalk would also include a special one-off appearance in the popular gameshow Wetten, dass..?, the most successful Saturday evening television show in Europe.

Following the same format as the British show You Bet! And the American show Wanna Bet?, the Wetten, dass..? Ullrich special is likely to see the Rostock road racer partake in a number of eating challenges as well as some disco dancing.

“Jan is keen to – how do you say? – strike the iron while he is hot. He is also aware that Johan Bruyneel is probably, as we speak, recording a duet with Belgian crooner Johnny Halliday, so his next move must be bold – and this fits the bill,” confirmed the source.

Worst of the Week

Numero Cinco

Gary Fisher takes Lance-loving to new heights

Yes, Lance is a great athlete. Yes he’s talented. Blah, blah, blah. It has been a long time since I’ve been so very disappointed with a key individual in cycling such as Gary Fisher. The “Godfather of Mountain Biking” was silent on Lance issues during the pending investigation, but the moment he’s declared “clean” by a skewed American “justice” system, Fisher takes to the Twitterverse to do everything short of kissing Armstrong on the mouth. Miss the Lance Love -In? Check out Fisher’s timeline during the Panama 70.3 race and the fawning over TriStrong’s exploits. Even Bill Strickland, rumoured future Armstrong book collaborator, was more even-handed with his Lance tweets. C’mon Gary, you once were an industry outsider. You even appeared on Neil Browne’s TourChats show making jokes about Lance. You can turn in your “rebel” cap and don your Wall Street “Fat Cat” Corporate suit now. You’re no longer fooling us. Best tweet on the Gary’s newest crush on Tri? Check out Lava Magazine‘s Jay Prasuhn’s take on it here.

Numero Cuatro

RTBF picks up Cyclismas story about Liquigas being “detained” in Oman for “lewdness”

What's next for these boys, caning at dawn?

This is also one of my “Best of the Week” items, particularly because of the huge exposure it garnered for our website venture, but it sadly represents just where journalism has gone, and it’s not to the happy place.  Sigh. No phone calls to teams for a reaction. No calls to the UCI to confirm the McQuaid quotes. No emails to the Omani ambassador. Not even a follow-up for verification by colleagues or those who are familiar with our work. Why, even a quick bit of research on the photo would reveal that it was taken at the team training camp and not in Oman. I would continue, but our dear friend and sometime-collaborator Saddles perhaps summed it up best. Cheers @saddleblaze, and thank you for your two quid on the subject. And a tip of the hat to Matthew Price on his Broom Wagon blog for SBS for covering it, too. It took RTBF four days to take down the story in spite of comments and tweets alerting them to the mistake. But we screen-grabbed it for posterity. (See the original in French, below, in the Best section.)

Numero Tres

Kenny being handed “junior” World Champion kit caps off an embarrassing string of faux pas for yours truly

Shows just how much the UCI cares about the riders, eh? I’m sure someone named Enrico Carpani will be blamed as per usual. I felt sorry for Cookson, hope he didn’t feel too ashamed with the whole not-allowing-the-public-to-see-Kenny-handed-the-jersey debacle. Oh right, maybe the UCI didn’t want to get booed or embarassed over “kitgate.”

Numero Dos

UCI asks for two-year ban of Alex Rasmussen

Allegedly drunk and high over a multi-million dollar fine to Alberto Contador, a certain organization decides to push their luck and ban a young rider with a penchant for disorganization. Never mind the fact that the UCI was complicit in this. Nope, no sir, no sir. The organization is blameless, but refuses to have a consistent yardstick. Shocking. I’m sure Jonathan Vaughters is shaking his fist privately, and scheming how to throw a shot at the UCI during the upcoming AIGCP meeting.

Numero Uno

Pro-cycling scribes run, swim, and bike to triathlon coverage due to Lance’s involvement

C’mon people. Lance is gone from our charts. He’s swimming, he’s running, he’s cycling. Give it a rest. Let the poor ladies of triathlon suffer the Lance-vortex effect on the poor coverage of their side of the sport. Bicycling and VeloNews, don’t you have sister publications to cover the tri-tripe?  This isn’t PRO CYCLING news. Maybe if you’d quit giving media exposure to this so-called “narcissistic sociopath” we could all have closure and move on. Thank you.

Best of the Week

Number Five

RTBF picks up our Liquigas story as real

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. ha. ha ha. ha. There, I think it’s out of my system. Wait, no, it’s not. Let’s look at it ONE MORE TIME!

hee hee

Number Four

Exergy expands their commitment to women’s cycling

The commitment shown by the Exergy company to women’s cycling is staggering and impressive. Idaho was the scene for a great women’s race up until 2003, and it’s marvelous to see them return a high-calibre women’s event to the state. The fact that Medalist Sports was picked to oversee the operation of the race was also a smart move, as they have proved time and time again that they have the kind of cycling experience to make this a first-class event.

Number Three

Another World Tour event for China?

Why is this on the Best list? Maybe now the riders, the team owners, and the federations will get together and collectively say that this sport is not being governed properly to the benefit of all. Only the few are benefitting from the moves by the top dogs in Aigle, along with their cronies. When will it stop? God might know, but he’s not saying. This latest move exposes a certain president and what drives him: Pure ego. Almost maniacal ego.

Number Two

Richard Moore on the career of Jan Ullrich

Moore has captured many fans’ feelings on the Jan Ullrich affair.  Ullrich apologized for his “mistakes” without admitting overtly to any doping. Can you blame him? If you compare the reaction to Armstrong with the vilification of Ullrich, it’s hardly fair at all. Ullrich played the part of athlete. Armstrong played the role of celebrity. While both did what they felt they needed to in order to maintain their place in the peloton, I think that Ullrich’s life after cycling is more authentic, real, and human than what we have seen from Lance “Never Tested Positive” Armstrong. Hats off to Moore, who writes with panache about the collective mindset towards the one-time Tour champion that is Ullrich.

Number One

A Brit takes the Tour of the Mediterranean, and he doesn’t ride for Team Sky

Kudos to the little British outfit known as Endura for seizing the moment at the Tour of Med, after being snubbed for years by the organizers. Not only did they perform, but their lead charge, John Teirnan Locke, won the overall. Now then, there are rumblings at home over this, but we’ll leave that for another day. No, we’ll stick to the fact that Brian Smith, David Harmon, and a host of others are absolutely beside themselves that Britons are performing superbly all over the world of cycling in the lead-up to a home summer Olympic Games. Sure, there’s Cav, but the depth of coverage and victories will ensure that grassroots cycling interest won’t dry up after the Cav era ends. Soon. Yep, you heard it here first, Cav will go through the wilderness in a fashion not unlike what Boonen went through. It’s inevitable.

Lance Armstrong starting 2nd lap of swim at 2011 Xterra World Championship (photo by David Tjhio)

“I’ve let the entire cancer community down with another in a string of non-winning performance in the past 18 months. The Livestrong community expects me to win at every event I enter, which hasn’t happened for quite some time,” relayed a sullen Armstrong.

Armstrong’s 23rd place overshadowed a phenomenal performance by Austrian Michael Weiss, who was the actual winner of the event. The jublilant Austrian’s press conference, however, was interrupted by Armstrong’s bellows of comeback 3.0 at the back of the room, swaying the press corps’ attention away from the victor.

“After a few seconds of deliberation, it is my intention to return to the sport of professional cycling. I have already spoken with my mentor, Johan Bruyneel, who is welcoming me with open arms to his new team that was to be led by the Schleck Brothers. I look forward to potentially helping, or inspiring, or torpedoing, their efforts to win a Tour, depending on whatever I feel like doing at the time,” declared a stubborn Armstrong.

When asked about his present physical condition, which some noted as bearing a remarkable resemblance to Jan Ullrich’s current physique, Armstrong responded by shoving the reporter against the chain link fence encircling the finish zone.

“That’s bullshit. I’m not going out like that asshole riding retirement ‘fundos’ in Miami – I’m hanging onto fierce competition with the only f**king deathgrip I know how, so f**k off,” responded Armstrong to the query.

Johan Bruyneel – who spent two days on planes just to be by Armstrong’s side in Hawaii for the announcement – was beaming from ear to ear.

“I am welcoming the only family I have back into the fold, doing the only thing I know how to do, to raise the Lance banner one more time in Paris. And no this isn’t about trying to hide an embarrassing tri finish for the best athlete ever to grace the planet,” stated Bruyneel.

When asked about the reaction of the Schlecks to the announcement, Bruyneel was candid. “I’ve never told any rider other than Lance about anything that happens within a team, so why should I start now? Mark my words, Lance will be on the podium in Paris.”

The Schleck brothers could not be reached for comment due to their shopping excursion in Monaco, looking for an appropriate congratulatory baby gift for Mark Cavendish and Peta Todd.