Brad Wiggins at his infamous press rant against Twitter’s f*cking w*ankers and c*nts

The first games of the C*ntolympiad is set for a battle of titanic proportions this year in London. Aidan Burley, MP for Cannock Chase and all round bellend, is joint favourite along with a late return to form from the indomitable, bigoted, and undoubtedly dickish Jan Moir.

Aidan Burley, whose hobbies include dining with people in Nazi costume, sailed through his qualifiers early on in the competition, in fact it was so early it happened during the opening ceremony. He managed to save a lot of energy for the later rounds by releasing only two tweets to crush his less cock-like opposition. He paid for it the next morning, though, by trying to explain his actions on a live news channel. If Aidan has a weakness, it’s simply that he may be aware that he is a c*nt and so tries not to be, nevertheless he remains an exciting prospect for the games.

Mein Führer… Aidan Burley MP (circled) with man in Nazi-style SS uniform identified in reports as Oxford graduate Mark Fournier (Photos: John McLellan / Mail on Sunday)

Jan Moir’s palmares are unequalled: she is homophobic, has a record breaking number of press complaints, is winner of the 2009 Stonewall bigot award and is an all-round c*nt. The darling of the Daily Mail, her status as top bitch is pretty much unchallenged, this is all the more impressive given that there are one hell of a lot of c*nts around these days. Moir raced through her qualifiers with a totally unprompted accusation at Marianne Vos of being “some bitch from Holland” in her column. It was hallmark Moir: it came from absolutely nowhere and was beyond explanation or defence. She is going to be tough to beat this year, the c*nt.

Unless something drastic happens a grand finale between Moir and Burley looks a certainty. Jeremy Clarkson was expected to feature but has been very quiet this year, and we’ve seen nothing from Melanie Phillips either. Mitt Romney tried his best but he’s fucked off home, what a c*nt. We also had a racist tweet from a Greek triple jumper, I mean she was obviously a c*nt for doing that, but she just isn’t in Moir’s league.

Although Bradley Wiggins has been castigated in the past for shooting from the hip, it’s believed that this will not be an issue in his role as judge. “Although Bradley doesn’t always know a c*nt when he sees one, he can certainly rank people in order of c*ntishness without too much trouble…” explained the head of the c*nt judging association (CJA). “In the end that’s all we’re really looking for, and Brad’s the man for the job. What I mean is that there’s no doubt that they’re all c*nts,” before quickly adding “…for f*cks sake.”

The prize for winning the C*ntolympiad will be a week as guest editor at the Daily Mail.