Makarov in happier times at the UCI championships in Copenhagen. The billionaire’s financing of UCI headquarters will save the embattled sport governing body

“This is a momentous day in the history of cycling. We have secured the long-term financial viability of this sport of two-wheels with the sale of UCI headquarters to one of the best, most finest human beings on the planet, Igor Makarov. His selfless interest in cycling is well documented, and we are happy to have completed this deal,” stated UCI vice-president Renato di Rocco.

The deal was crucial for the UCI, as soon-to-be former president Pat McQuaid had expended the entire UCI reserve fund, along with the remaining funds in the ProTour reserve fund in his bid to create a smokescreen to distract the cycling public from the legacy of corruption, cronyism, and nepotism that marked his reign and that of his best friend forever Hein Verbruggen.  McQuaid had reached out to several Swiss banks in a bid to mortgage the montrosity known as UCI Headquarters in Aigle, but after his desperate letter to the IOC begging for help, the Swiss banking circuit declined to assist.

“It was really dire times. Our main partners were refusing to pay their sponsorship dollars, which made it difficult for the team in Aigle to keep the lights on. In fact, the electricity the headquarters was consuming while trying to battle the entire world caused the Swiss energy commission to demand a reduction in consumption, or the UCI would have to pay for a new hydrodam to be constructed,” stated di Rocco.

UCI employee Jarvier Barrio concurred with di Rocco’s comments.

“Since McQuaid and Verbruggen had been handing out six figure salaries like drunken Enron executives, our overhead is astronomical. If we hadn’t put the Makarov deal together, I have no idea how we would have met payroll in March,” commented Barrio.

The Makarov deal will have no direct impact on the day-to-day operation of the UCI. Rumors of Makarov moving into the office space next to the UCI presidential office, formerly known as “Verbruggen’s dirty lair,” have not been confirmed as of press time. However, the resignation of Pat McQuaid was one of the key points in the transaction.

“While Igor was demanding Pat to stand down immediately, especially after the Katusha debacle that was completely mishandled by the existing power structure, we were able to receive a concession of Pat retiring when his existing term is up,” stated a representative from Ernst & Young, the organisation handling the transaction on behalf of both parties.

Pundit reaction around the cycling world was mixed.

“So does this mean Makarov will be the next UCI president? This has been the pattern for the last 25 years. Cycling seems to kiss the arse of the money men in the sport. I’m hoping we’ll have a change, and maybe Tracey Gaudry might show all these old cronies how to run an organisation properly,” stated a journalist who may or may not have been Rupert Guinness.

“I’m not sure what the fuck I’m going to do. I banked my whole career on the Verbruggen/McQuaid/Armstrong money train. I mean, I’m too old to start over, and I haven’t been wise with the money they all threw at me. What’s a middle-aged, bald, and slightly plum photographer going to do now?” stated favored UCI suck-up Graham Watson.

The financing deal is set to take effect March 1st, with the funds paid out monthly via a structured 10-year program, since Makarov has concerns about UCI bureaucratics burning through on the dough in the first month.

Hein Verbruggen and Pat McQuaid are attempting to evade questioning in relation to the Paul Kimmage criminal complaint.

Swiss authorities have been temporarily thwarted in their attempts to question former UCI president Verbruggen and current UCI president McQuaid in reference to the criminal complaint filed in Switzerland by Paul Kimmage on behalf of a litany of those who have suffered at the hands of both individuals. The investigators in charge of the case made numerous polite telephone calls to the homes of Hein Verbruggen and Pat McQuaid, all of which went unanswered. According to official reports, investigators in marked police vehicles made their way to both homes to find them empty.

“We made several attempts to contact both men in order for them to come in, have a nice cup of tea, and tell us their side of the story as best they could. Unfortunately, this tactic failed,” recounted Alfredo Verbieesen, inspector with the Canton de Vaud police force.

Acting on an anonymous tip, the investigators made their way to UCI headquarters in Aigle where they were met with a barricade of office furniture blocking the front door. Outside waiting for the authorities was UCI legal counsel Philippe Verbiest, who refused to allow entry to the police without an arrest warrant.

“We were rather shocked to see this sort of activity in Switzerland. We expect this kind of behavior in the United States, but to see a barricade in Aigle was very unnerving to say the least, and not something we usually see. At that point, we felt it was important to call in the Federal Office of Police to help us de-escalate the situation,” continued Verbieesen.

After a three-hour stand-off which lasted until early Friday morning, a vintage white Ford Bronco was seen leaving the parking lot with UCI spokesperson Enrico Carpani in the driver’s seat.  After Carpani’s departure, the federal police stormed the building to find a bonfire of records on the second floor of the building, and empty safes in several offices. Verbiest admitted the Bronco contained Verbruggen and McQuaid.

After several attempts to contact McQuaid and Verbruggen via their mobile phones – which went unanswered in typical fashion for both – authorities were able to establish contact with Carpani, who informed the hostage negotiator that he was, in fact, being held hostage until he drove the pair to a waiting sailboat in Bayonne, located on the French coast.

The Swiss federal police have asked for French help in the current hostage situation. French police are monitoring the progress of the white Ford Bronco both on the ground and via helicopter. The authorities will only state the vehicle has passed through the vicinity of Ussel, but refuse to confirm any other details.

“We will allow the vehicle passage through the French roadway system, and have prepared the citizens of Bayonne for a potentially unsafe situation. We have not, as of the current time, located the sailboat Carpani referred to in his numerous phone conversations with the Swiss police. We will do our best to manage the situation safely for all parties,” stated Jean-Luc Pelletier, representing Police Nationale.

Cycling pundits around the world reacted in shock and horror, while some began speculation on where Verbruggen and McQuaid were heading.

“It’s pretty obvious to me they plan on sailing to the Cayman Islands to escape full scrutiny. I wouldn’t be surprised to see one of Makarov’s super yachts showing up in Bayonne to rescue the pair from their European troubles,” commented someone who resembled Rupert Guinness.

French and Swiss authorities will be updated the situation hourly as the white Ford Bronco makes its way to Bayonne.

Andy and Frank ignore Johan, looking for Kim

According to anonymous sources, Becca was heard discussing the “complete and total ineptitude of the chunky chin-dimpled charlatan” who promised him a top team finish in the World Tour capped off with a Tour de France victory.

The fashionable Karimova was seen giving pointers to Becca on how to deal with “servants who won’t listen,” advice which, according to those same anonymous sources, gave Becca an ear-to-ear grin. The Uzbekistani first daughter was in Luxembourg pitching her line of clothing, her new album, and also celebrating her recent request to be the official Uzbekistan representative to the United Kingdom. It has been rumored that Becca is collaborating with Itera’s Igor Makarov on several construction projects in the emerging oil nation, and the appearance at the event would confirm there are discussions in the works.

When asked directly about the Bruyneel situation, Becca was forthcoming on details.

“I’m tired of the excuses from the Johan. He has been blaming Kim Andersen for all the troubles to start the season, so I have removed Kim from the Tour de France and told Johan he has to sit in the car and personally oversee the Andy victory I’ve been promised,” commented Becca.

Becca also offered answers to questions on the lacklustre start to the RadioShack-Nissan season, where the team has enjoyed only two victories, whereas at the same time last year under former team manager Brian Nygaard, they had nine to their credit.

“As long as there is victory at the Tour, I will be somewhat serene with the fact there is less wins this year,” adding, “…but that doesn’t stop me from calling Johan at least 15 times a day wanting explanations on why we’ve lost at almost every single race. I have mellowed slightly this year, though. Last year I called Brian at least 17 times a day, and also demanded a report of where he was at the time, what he ate, and a daily update on team expenditures in detail via written report and oral conference call.”

When asked if a loss at the Tour would spell the end of the relationship with Bruyneel, Becca confirmed there were negotiations with other cycling experts.

“Considering Riis‘ situation with SaxoBank at the moment, I have reached out to Bjarne to see if he’d like to join our fold. The poor man is in a similar situation to Johan’s last year. Hopefully I’ll be able to negotiate a better deal with Bjarne as he is someone who has a proven track record to create winners from multiple athletes, rather than just one,” concluded Becca.

Becca is heading to Liège-Bastogne-Liège to directly oversee the team, and to negotiate with UCI president Pat McQuaid on relaxing the WorldTour rules in order to allow Bruyneel the ability to ride in the team cars at the Tour de France, in spite of the fact Bruyneel is not listed anywhere on the team paperwork and current rules thus prohibit his direct participation.

“We are proudly announced almost all riders for Katusha Team are cooperating with authorised anti-doping bodies,” stated the press release, “We are happy of this declarations of being 96.55172413793103 percent clean.”

Galimzyanov's confession letter (photo courtesy of www.inrng.com)

When asked about the 3.44827586206897 percent that wasn’t clean, team manager Brian Holczer was definitive in his answers.

“We have a handwritten letter explaining the percentage that is the issue for our team. I will say I am quite proud we are almost 100 percent clean. It is a big improvement over my last team, Gerolsteiner, where it seems the opposite was true. It took me years to overcome that hurdle and return to the sport,” commented Holczer.

The handwritten letter, courtesy of star-Katusha-sprinter Denis Galimzyanov, went out of its way to explain why the team shouldn’t suffer for his personal transgressions. It documented his troubled past, the dubious sort of folks whose influence he acceded to in China at the Tour of Beijing, and the vast quantities of consumer electronics and cut-rate textiles he received in exchange for use of the Chinese EPO. In fact, Galimzyanov’s likeness has been reportedly seen on Chinese television where he served as a spokesman for the EPO company supplying him.

When asked about Galimzyanov, Holczer was extremely defensive.

“Hey now! Just because I was on a team with a high percentage of cheats in the past doesn’t mean I am directly responsible for what happens with the riders on my team. I am a victim of coincidence. Just because I run the team doesn’t mean I have an obligation to keep track of every single rider. It’s a big team. I am proud of the fact that Katusha is currently  96.55172413793103 percent clean. In fact, now that Denis has admitted his transgressions and decided not to fight the charges, Katusha is currently a 100-percent clean team,” spun Holczer.

Katusha team owner Igor Makarov offered his thoughts.

“In Russia, achieving a 96.55172413793103 percent in university grading means you are heralded as a genius in your studies. I am proud of my team’s record. I’m also proud of Denis admitting his mistakes, and taking his prison sentence like a true Russian Hero,” stated Makarov via phone from his 60-foot yacht, Areti 1.

Katusha takes a fully-loaded roster to Fleche Wallone on Wednesday.

Having to deal with Gianni Bugno face-to-face in two meetings within the space of a week is enough to drive me to throw my Guinness pint through the nearest wall.

This is my throne. This is my sport.

I’d rather deal with Jonathan Vaughters six hours a day for seven days straight than put up with Bugno’s passive/agressive cologne-filled nonsensical rants. He’s just as bad as when he was a rider for Gatorade; he’d proudly yell his intention to attack Indurain into submission and spin for less of an attack than Schleck did at this year’s tour.  No wonder Fignon was fed up with his ridiculous antics. No matter.

Bugno's audition for Leopard-Trek did not go to plan.

Yes, friends, last Tuesday saw me meet with the CPA, the so-called Professional Rider’s Association, listening to Bugno whine, whine, whine about how it took him five months before we’d even consider him to be someone to discuss anything to do with the professional peloton. Gianni, my friend, we just do that to piss you off. It’s because of the cologne. And the fooking gold chains. Is that a beard? Is it not a beard? Are you shaving it? Are you keeping it? We’re just at a loss on that, and frankly, Adorni still thinks you act like a gigolo, not to mention the fact that @mplsminx thinks that you’re most unbangable in your current form.

Needless to say, I’m fucking thrilled to not be directly involved with the Professional Cycling Council.  However, since Javier Barrio came down with a questionable case of food poisoning over the weekend, I had to loan Vittorio Adorni the services of my illustrious manservant, Bhon Mhat (follow him on twitter @patsbhonmhat). I hope he did a fair job live tweeting from the meetings today…

No, this week is all about having to solidify my run for another term as the “supremo numero uno” of the UCI. You see, it was announced on Friday by that fop Gregor Brown from Cycling Weekly that Andrei Tchmil is going to “give it a go” for the presidency.

Now this is quite an interesting development. As most of you know Tchmil’s boss, Igor Makarov, has been part of the UCI Management Committee since this spring, when he was selected by the UEC to be one of the two new representatives for the post. Makarov and I have had a peaceful détente, as well, since he more or less circulates in the sphere of influence with Verbruggen and Rogge. I somewhat mind my own fooking business, as it’s always safe to remain directly out of the line of fire.

Tchmil's photo submission for the bad guy role in Simon Pegg's next film.

As it had been negotiated between Verbruggen and Makarov this past spring, I was to remain president for four more years, after which the UCI would be the domain of the Russians to help solidify Makarov’s resumé for his run toward supreme leader of Russia (which already has the blessing of Putin, mind you). So you could say that it was somewhat of a surprise that Tchmil publicly announced his candidacy for the position now. I mean, this is TCHMIL after all.

Not familiar with his history after his career? Well, before that, let’s start with the fact that this guy couldn’t figure out if he was Russian, Ukrainian, or Belgian. Then he comes to us, begging for work after Chocolade Jacques held a mutiny and tossed him out on his ear like yesterday’s fooking page 3 girlio. We felt bad, so we gave him the UCI Centre post, just to keep him out of trouble, and out of everyone’s way. He’s not the brightest bulb, you know. However, he follows orders very well, just don’t let him try to come up with his own ideas (hence many mutinies –  like Pozzato recently).

Speaking of page 3, we love Taylor Phinney's latest squeeze -- nice detective work Talansky! Cyclepassion!

Then the Moldavian contingent came after him with an ego stroke – Minister for Sport of Moldavia. Of course that’s like saying you were a football star for Fiji. Who? Where? Whatever. Two years that lasted. Two years. Then Makarov came calling, with all his connections and contacts. Properties in Italy, blah, blah, fooking blah in Tchmil’s name, all the while, of course, Andrei isn’t able to figure out that there’s l-a-u-n-d-e-r-i-n-g happening in his name, but I’ll leave that up to other folks to discuss in their time and way. Right folks? Right?

So what does this presidential run by Tchmil truly mean? Well judging from his run at the AIGCP presidency, not much. For fook’s sake, Vaughters ran circles around him without having to move a muscle. Tchmil only got two votes there – his and probably one of his cronies. The fact that this guy can’t even lose that gracefully (he pulled “his” team, Katusha, out of the AIGCP after that big flop) should also tell you how his phoning campaign will go. I’m sure it will resemble something like this:

Federation rep: Hello?

Tchmil: Hello. My name is Andrei. You will vote for me for UCI presidente.

Federation rep: Um, yes. Hello. Is this a prank phone call?

Tchmil: No. I am running for the UCI presidente role. I expect you to vote for me. No questions asked. Yes?

Federation rep: Ah okay. So what is your platform?

Tchmil: Why would you ask me about my flooring? This is about presidente job.

Federation rep: No, I mean why should you be the UCI president?

Tchmil: Because I’m better than McQuaid. And Makarov wants me to be presidente. He has master plan.

Federation rep: Master plan? Is he looking at improving the sport? What is his idea to help women’s cycling? Track cycling?

Tchmil: I don’t know about those things. I only know about riding fast on road.

Federation rep: Are you going to continue the global expansion of the sport?

Tchmil: We will bring glory to mother Russia. and lots of medals. I remember that part of plan. Oh and Russian president of country.

Federation rep: Yes, well, that’s great, but I think I’ll stay with McQuaid on this… you seem a little too biased in your feelings.

Tchmil: мудак. ебать выходные и умереть. *click*

Federation rep: Hello? Hello? Well that was bizarre.

Needless to say, I’m not that concerned about Tchmil and his run. Verbruggen and I firmly have everyone on side. We’ve withstood many rogue factions and their attempts to take over the UCI for their own personal gain in the past, and I’m sure there will be many, many more. Let’s just hope that Verbruggen’s attempt to wrestle my replacement for 2016 ends with an acceptance of our conditional offer, so we can tell Makarov and his boys to fook off.

I just hope that Verbruggen doesn’t change his mind and allow this arse-clown a place at the table.