Pilotfish Mark Renshaw checking over his shoulder (photo by Mark Robinson courtesy of cyclingnews)

In an exclusive interview with Cyclismas, Renshaw revealed his ire. “First the World Championships in 2010, then the World Championships in 2011, then Qatar, now Kuurne Brussels Kuurne? Just because I didn’t sign for Green Edge, Tabotta and White are putting in calls to everyone. Why else wouldn’t I be up there? The team is fine, my legs are fine. But there you have Spidertech, some pissant Pro Conti squad, not showing respect to me, Cav’s old leadout man. Coincidence? I think not.”

When asked for a comment by Canadian Cycling Magazine, SpiderTech boss Steve Bauer responded “Well, I take it as a compliment that he thinks Green Edge would even talk to me. But it shows our guys are in the right place – where Renshaw isn’t.”

Another source revealed, “Perhaps that ‘right place’ isn’t Rabobank. The outfit alone clashes. Farrar considered jumping to Rabobank, but in the time it took for his glasses to adjust to the light, he thought better. Besides, everyone knows Rabo’s biggest signing is Vos. They’ll look after her before they look after Renshaw.”

The accusations stem from the at-the-time-on-form pilotfish’s exclusion from the Australian 2011 World Championship, which set conspiracy theorists and realists alight with fury more orangey than Renshaw’s Rabobank outfit. Cycling Australia has come under much criticism after the omission of Mark Renshaw for last year’s world championships.

Regarding today’s announcement that Cycling Australia had reformed the Olympic and World selection panels, Renshaw was blunt.  ‘They’re appointing even more people who probably don’t like me. Did you hear what Fredericks said?’

Renshaw then referred to this statement by Cycling Australia CEO Graham Fredericks: “All those appointed will apply the selection policy with the key objective of selecting teams that are best able to achieve results,”

“Objective? Results?,” an incredulous Renshaw sputtered. “The objective being, the result being that these louts are picking teams and stacking bunches around the world without me in them.”

Renshaw was quick to explain himself, “Everyone wants Cav’s wheel. But everyone knows that bitch is mine. Sure, being behind him is not what I’m used to, but that Giant Manx Potato Arse is mesmerising. I would’ve followed it all the way up that bloody hill in Copenhagen, too.”

Renshaw’s displeasure with the CA changes was evident, in spite of their assertion that the panel changes could, according to the Cyclingnews article, “only help to strengthen confidence in the selection process for future events, particularly the Olympic Games, and World Championships later this year.”

Austrian strudel Bernie Eisel confirmed the conspiracy in his interview with SBS journalist Sophie Smith yesterday. “He is the smartest lead out man there is and probably should’ve stayed a lead out man.”

Twitter pundits were a-flutter over the article, in which it seemed that Eisel, now reunited with World Champion Mark Cavendish on the Sky squad, was dishing on Renshaw. Noted peloton analyst/catfight commentator @mmmaiko quoted several telling phrases by Eisel in the piece.

‘He is the smartest lead-out man I’ve ever seen so probably should have stayed a lead-out man,’ said Eisel… ZZZIIINNNGGG!!!

‘I will have the same role in the Giro, protecting Cav, but for me I always said I’m not Renshaw,’ the Austrian sprinter said. MEOWRRR!

She then offered her own analysis:

this bernie-cav-renshaw triangle is getting CATTY and GOOD!!!

also, it’s weird to have a whole article about bernie dishing on renshaw without asking renshaw for comment? (and by ‘weird’ i mean not fanning the flames of bernie’s catty mean girl moment!)

of course, this makes me wanna root for renshaw like i did for greipel when cav said he only won “shit small races.”

With many more bunch sprints to come owing to the pro conti squads invited, it is uncertain how this intriguing plot will unfold.

The "Greens" emerged victorious in their first skirmish with the "Blues" (photo courtesy Getty Images)

The hotel occupied by Team Sky was found riddled with bullet holes following a verbal assault launched at GreenEDGE director Matt White by Sky Directeur Sportif Sean Yates. Yates had made derogatory comments about the fitness of GreenEDGE riders at the TDU, comments decisively answered when GreenEDGE superstar Simon Gerrans won the race over his Sky rivals.

White fired back in the press, but it would seem that the GreenEDGE team took a page from the book of the “Bloods” street gang and performed a drive-by shooting of the Team Sky hotel. Eyewitness accounts from those wishing to remain anonymous noted that the distinctive colors of the GreenEDGE Subarus were seen speeding away from the hotel, their speakers blaring the distinctive Cypress Hill anthem “Insane in the Brain.”

Yates offered comments via phone to Cyclismas while surveying the damage. The song “Sweat” by noted former “Crip” gang member, Snoop Dogg, was audibly heard in the background.

“We’re disappointed that certain folks made the decision to escalate the rivalry. We’ll happily meet fire with fire, and I wouldn’t want any innocent bystanders at the wrong place at the wrong time during the race season. We’re taking over this Commonwealth territory. We have a world champ at the moment, but that was yesterday. We’ll see what they come up with after we lay the smack down later today,” commented a cryptic Yates.

It was reported prior to press time that the GreenEDGE bus had been painted blue, and their distinctive Scott bike frames were hanging from the power lines close to team headquarters.

White refused to comment on the additional developments but flashed several gang signs via the Skype video chat, and posted “This is f***ing war, bitches,” on his Twitter profile.

Noted gang historian Rupert Guinness offered analysis of the situation, “This is a classic case of what happens when there’s a dwindling doctor and pharmaceutical supply. Recent events in Russia and China mean that these two organizations will continue to fight for dominance in order to secure their conduit for performance enhancement. Let’s hope that innocent fans across the globe do not get caught up in this.”

UCI president Pat “Dick” McQuaid speculated on the impact of this war on the WorldTour.

“Let’s hope that this stays between the Blues and the Greens. We wouldn’t want this to spill over into the Chicanos or the Triads. We could see a global war ignite if we don’t do our job to contain this potentially devastating battle,” concluded McQuaid.

The Blues and the Greens will renew their rivalry on the bikes during the Tour of Qatar.

Crowd sourcing comes to cycling (photo courtesy of Team Traveller)

Worst Five Things of the Week

Numero Cinco

CONI Requests four-year ban for Savio

So the criminal courts clear Gianni Savio from any wrongdoing. Savio has proof of no wrongdoing. However, it seems that CONI feels that he’s done something wrong in reference to the case, and has asked for a four-year ban? If I were Holczer, Vaughters, Bruyneel, or any other manager, I would look upon this development with alarm. Holding managers responsible for members of their team doping? That’s preposterous and completely ridiculous.

Numero Cuatro

Klöden declares WINNING is more important than family

Well, it seems that Andreas Klöden’s trek to the dark side of the force is complete. Eschewing the notion that a happy family is a vital component to a long and stress-free life, Klöden has basically declared that the brothers Schleck need to forget any familial allegiances to achieve greater professional gain. Of course, this sort of selling-your-soul-to-feed-your-own-selfishly-egoistical pursuits is really nothing new for Klöden. And it’s unfortunate that Becca and crew have failed to realize the marketing potential of having the first brother act on the podium at the Tour De France.

Numero Tres

No Place for Alexandr Kolobnev with Katusha in 2012

So once again it’s shown that it never pays to fall on your sword for your team, for your countrymen, or for one-day allegiances. Seems that Kolobnev has been told there’s no room at the Katusha table for him. Shocking. Funny how one guy just seems to have bad luck follow him at every turn. Maybe he should call Floyd Landis for pointers on the next steps to take.

Numero Dos

AFLD ends disciplinary action against Jeannie Longo

What a fooking disaster this is. I blame the Spanish. They started it. Oh wait! Or was it the Italians? No, maybe the Russians. Ah well, at least the Americans still believe in crime and punishment for the guilty, i.e., the end user.

Numero Uno

Vino Vino Vino

Quit being cheap. With the advent of social media platforms, everyone thinks that they don’t need PR people anymore. Guess what? Some people really should turn their PR statements over to someone else to release. Like Vino. Facebook? really? With unfortunate and questionable English usage? Sigh… Even I have an editor for my pieces. Yes, even yours truly isn’t fooking perfect. What? Sorry? Yes, yes, I’ll put the curtain back up. *chuckle*

Best Five Things of the Week

Number Five

Dan Lloyd speaks his mind on leaving Garmin

Why is it that almost every single person who leaves Garmin has nothing nice to say about their experience with the team? Lloyd, Lowe, Hushovd are just three of the latest examples of this. In fact, Lowe actually filed a complaint with the UCI back in June or so. But more on that down the road. Good for Lloyd speaking out, which led to quite an interesting Twitter debate between Shane Stokes of Velonation and Garmin poohbah Jonathan Vaughters, leading to a public apology by JV. Yet, Lionel Birnie just HAD to get his two cents in on it as well. Plus, the Twitter masses lining up to either support or skewer Mr. Vaughters made for an entertaining weekend on the social media platform.

Number Four

James Stout begins a crowdsourcing fund for a cycling team

I’m a big admirer of this lad. First off, he made the decision to leave a full racing calendar in the States to return home to Europe for health reasons after his employer withheld agreed-upon medication necessary to control his Type 1 diabetes. Second, he was unwilling to be “dissuaded” from revealing his unfortunate experiences, and chose to be publicly forthcoming in speaking out about the mistreatment he received. Thirdly, he resisted the temptation to turn his back on the sport, and chose instead to race for a new cycling team, Team Traveller, beginning in June. Now the lad would like to make Team Traveller a haven for those in pro-cycling who have received a raw deal from other teams. I predict a bright future for Stout. Take the time to support his initiative.

Number Three

Evans given vintage Cadillac Coupe as reward for Tour success

What makes this story one of the best of the week is the fact that the Caddy wasn’t a gift from BMC team owner Andy Rihs, but rather from rival WorldTour team owner Gerry Ryan of GreenEDGE. Ryan, is, of course, a fellow countryman to Evans and one really can’t fault his nationalistic largesse to the first Aussie Tour winner. But is this really permissible under UCI WorldTour rules? Absolutely, as we aren’t playing college-level American sports here. The question remains, however, if this could be construed as down payment for a future contract with GreenEDGE. I wonder what the current members of GREENedge have to say about the gift? Reminds me of the Jean-Francois Bernard/Bernard Tapie Porsche debacle.

Number Two

There’s new energy coming into women’s cycling

I’m very thrilled to see Lululemon getting involved in women’s cycling. I’m also very thrilled to see Kristy Scrymgeour move up to the team manager role for the Specialized-Lululemon squad. Here’s hoping this might cause the men’s side to re-examine to whom they pitch sponsorship opportunities, as Lululemon is a solid fit for this aspect of the sport. Those who have been around the team say the energy is overwhelming positive, which should translate into a very successful year for the team.

Number One

Pat McQuaid 2011 Round Up

I am thrilled at the development of the UCI YouTube Propaganda Network. It’s an outstanding way for the organization to disseminate the message directly to the masses. If you say something over and over again, not only will you start to believe it, but the ballyhoo may actually cause the general public and the media to begin to believe as well. It looks like I may have to pull strings at The Guardian, SkyNews, Velonation, Cycling Weekly, and Cyclingnews, though and put some better puppets in place to properly pass on my platitudes without inserting some fooking subjective knife twists pointing out how many holes my propaganda truly has. I’m picking up the phone, you hacks. Be forewarned. *chuckle*

Gerry Ryan: "Not even the offer of a free caravan could make people interested"

The GreenEDGE cycling team will end its association with professional cycling at the end of the season, drawing to an end its seven-month spell in the sport.

The squad has consistently been ranked as the number one team publisher of press releases in the world, but struggled to attract any interest despite the massive amounts of hype generated by the marketing team. Team owner Gerry Ryan today announced that the squad would fold at the end of the month, and encouraged bullshit mongers from its marketing department to find new homes for 2012.

Ryan has continued to publish press releases right up until today, with the latest concerning the shock news that Stuart O’Grady had accidentally nicked his penis with a razor while shaving his legs.

Ryan told the press via yet another press release:

We went public with our marketing blitz at the start of this year. We were frustrated by the indifference of the general public who seemed to not really give a shit about the team. That indifference remains a mystery to me.”

Meanwhile, marketing executives, their assistants, and the assistants to the assistants have already been in negotiations with other squads. Word Wanker-In-Chief, Brad Caprazzi, said he would announce his decision later this week, although it’s expected that he will join new social media giant Facefart as Associate Editor of the Marketing & Touchy-Feely Human Interactions Department.  Meanwhile the social climber, Chad Chandleson, has already been announced as joining the Radioshack team where he will continue to be ignored.

The squad had one of its most successful seasons, with nearly 500 press releases in just a seven-month period, but at the same time Ryan was honest about the uncertainty surrounding the team’s future as he feverishly scrambled around looking to see if anyone cared:

What led to the team’s remarkable success was the team’s remarkable spirit that we had in the organisation. Everyone had thick-rimmed glasses, and there was a rule that everyone employed in our marketing department had to have at least one tattoo.  This month we’ll record our 500th press release,” said Ryan via another press release, “I just can’t understand why with that kind of success no one would give us the time of day.”

Our goal was to bring forth marketing people that could lead the sport forward and although this is a sad press release in some respects, I do feel like we fundamentally changed the sport. No one will be able to launch a cycling team now without releasing at least 50 press releases per day.”

Ryan concluded by saying that he was looking forward to the rest of the month and he hoped that the cycling world would enjoy the last remaining press releases, where details would be published of the staff clearing out their desks, taking down the “Keep Calm And Carry On” posters and trying to remove all traces of pornography from their hard drives.

you can follow author Winston Niles Rumfoord on Twitter