One would say Bradley Wiggins and Chris Froome were chewing the fat – but there wasn’t much blubber on display. These two men look lean and mean as they approach a new season with a huge weight of expectation on their narrow, bony shoulders.

The long and unruly mop adorning Wiggins’ head was mirrored by the shorter and more severe closely-cropped fuzz of Froome – the army-style cut perhaps an act of defiance on the face of things. (Quite where that puts Brailsford, with his own bald pate, is anyone’s guess.)

The mop vs. the buzz (Getty image)

A few blocks down the road from the swanky hotel that is Team Sky’s winter training base was the spot where a topless post-Olympics Wiggins was photographed, half-cut, crouching on a kerb with a fag in his mouth back in those heady days of August.

The only fag on display five months later in January was Froome himself.

After all – in the British private school system, a “fag” does indeed denote a younger pupil required to perform certain menial tasks for an older pupil of higher class. Such tasks can include warming loo seats, toasting crumpets or – in the case of Froome – fetching bidons and withstanding the bullying from the boys from other schools while protecting his institution’s Head Boy through thick and thin.

(Conservative Prime Minister David Cameron’s fag, incidentally, is how the British media cruelly – albeit deliciously – portray Nick Clegg, the Liberal Democrat leader and other half of the faltering coalition government.)

Should Sky want to top the school tables this year for Headmaster Brailsford, they will have to hope their own coalition delivers the goods – and former fag Froome was quick to remind reporters out in Majorca last week of his leadership qualities.

“I was a Prefect at school,” he said with a grin, clearly eager to clear any doubts as to who will be whipping the cane this season for the Rapha-clad road racers.

School prefect trumps Alpha mod?

Froome stressed he was “100% certain” of his position as Sky’s team leader for this year’s 100th edition of the Tour de France. Wiggins may be the team’s Alpha male – but Froome the Beta rider has his heart set on being a Rapha world-beater in 2013.

Asked whether or not he expected the loyalty he showed to Wiggins to be repaid come July, Froome again played the percentages card. “100%,” he replied. “The team’s success depends on that – that everyone buys into that plan. If everyone’s off doing their own thing it’s going to be a circus.”

Going off and doing his own thing is the preferred means of functioning for Wiggo the circus master, who notoriously loves to train alone with only the laptop of Tim Kerrison, Sky’s Head of Performance Support, as a companion.

While Froome is adamant that “this year, our roles will be reversed and he’ll be doing the job for me,” Wiggins for his part only admits that “the likelihood is that Chris will be the leader and I will be there in a supporting role.”

The knighted bicycle rider did enough to suggest that all was not plain sailing in the Sky camp by underlining he still harbours a strong desire to win the Tour again. “It may be this year, it may be next year,” Wiggins said, cryptically.

Indeed, despite all the bullish talk from Froome, rumours of late suggest that Kerrison, Sky’s numbers man, is secretly convinced that Wiggins can use the Giro to his benefit and arrive in Corsica for the Tour’s grand depart even stronger than last year. So while Froome is currently being touted as Sky’s trump card, things could pan out very differently when the pair meet up in the school playground.

If this Morcambe & Wise comedy sideshow wasn’t enough as it is, imagine how it would have been had Vincenzo Nibali made it a right Goon Show by joining Sky back in 2010. This, admitted the new Astana rider in an interview last week, is indeed what the Italian regretted he had not done.

“Do I wish I’d signed? It was a new team and I was looking forward to being part of a big international team. Yes, I wish I’d been able to ride for them then,” Nibali said.

Of course, quite what would have happened to Nibali – who did after all win the Vuelta in 2010 with Liquigas – had he joined Sky is anyone’s guess. In fact, quite what would have happened to Sky is perhaps just as pertinent a question.

Had he joined at the team’s inception, would Nibali have have adopted the Froome role as Wiggo’s fag – or would Team Sky’s first grand tour winner have been an Italian (albeit one coerced into growing his sideburns and uttering cockneyed profanities like a pizza parlour waiter in Clerkenwell)?

Chris Froome in the 2008 Tour de France (image by Bettini courtesy of Cyclingnews)

Back in 2010 nobody could have expected the meteoric rise of Froome, the former Barloworld rider who for years battled against a rare African parasitic disease of the blood; a rider who, nevertheless, according to The Guardian newspaper on Saturday, “showed real potential” in 2008 when “competing on Alpe d’Huez against a formidable climber and doper in Denis Menchov.”

Such accusatory vernacular was a bit gung-ho for even The Guardian, which quickly amended its online version of the article to downgrade Menchov to a plain old “formidable climber” – no doubt following a quick call from the Silent Assassin’s lawyers. (And there we were thinking that the Operacion Puerto trial wasn’t due to open for a couple of days…)

Anyway, back to Nibali and his hypothetical position in Sky. Given what has happened over the past couple of seasons – Froome’s rise coupled with Wiggins’s wins – the Italian probably would have found his way to Astana this season anyway.

As it is, like he was in the 2012 Tour, Nibali will be one of Wiggins’ main opponents in the Giro this May. But the question remains: will Wiggo ride the Giro all-out to win, or with a view to taking his form into the Tour as Sky’s star pupil?

“I’m a reasonable guy. I’m not a dictator,” claimed Wiggo last week in Majorca. From the unchained subject sitting next to him, was there a perceptible frown from Froome?

Sources close to Saddles have revealed that affable Giro general dictator Michele Acquarone is “moving heaven and earth” to ensure the presence of last year’s Tour de France winner in this year’s Giro.

It has already been widely reported that the inclusion of more than 90 time trial kilometres in the 2013 Giro route was brought about with the primary function of attracting Wiggo’s gaze. Now it emerges that this profligacy of against-the-clock machismo marked the symbolic first incidence of long-time Wiggins suitor Acquarone – known by his friends as ‘The Peacock’ – fanning his feathers.

In short, it was the first of many coquettish advances performed in a bid to wantonly woo Wiggins.

“It all started during the Tour last year. We were watching the second time trial in Giro HQ and Michele was entranced by Bradley’s pedal strokes,” said Saddles’ source (not to be confused with Saddle Sauce™ – a brand of bespoke chamois cream).

“At first there was serious consideration given into hosting the opening stage of the Giro in Wiggo’s birth town of Ghent but when that became impossible Michele was quick to suggest Naples.”

The Mediterranean seaside city was selected primarily because it is hoped that the volcanic peak of Vesuvius will remind Wiggins of his training rides in the shadow of Mount Tiede on Tenerife.

Naples is also said to be the favourite Italian city of the singer Paul Weller, with whom Wiggins often jams on his guitar. The pair are currently recording a song set for release in spring.

“When Michele heard about Wiggins and Weller, he went all weak at the knees. ‘We must get them to record the Giro’s official song – now that’s entertainment,’ he told us all in a dream-like stupor.”

Soon after the 2013 route was disclosed, Acquarone and his team announced that Wiggins’ close friend, the British designer Sir Paul Smith, would be designing the Giro’s fabled pink jersey.

The prospect of Sir Bradley Wiggins mounting a podium to put on a special maglia rosa designed by Sir Paul Smith is mouthwatering. Riding the crest of a wave, Acquarone is said to be in favour of approaching British comedians Paul Whitehouse and Mark Williams to record a one-off version of their “Suits you, Sir” sketch from The Fast Show.

“If that wasn’t enough, Michele has even put in a request with Johnny Depp’s publicist for the actor to reprise his guest role from the last ever episode of the series,” said the source. “Apparently Depp is a bigger cycling fan than both Robin Williams and Ben Stiller combined.”

While details of the 2013 Giro opening ceremony are still under wraps, it has leaked that Wiggins has been approached to ring a bell to sound the start of the three-week festival of cycling. This is but one of many movements being carried out to make sure Wiggins feels he is being accommodated, nay groomed, as the official face of the race.

Following her electric on-screen chemistry with Wiggins at the BBC Sports Personality of the Year award in London late last year, veteran reporter Susan Barker has reportedly been given a gig as one of the race’s podium girls. A video of Wiggins and Barker eating Italian spaghetti in the style of the hit Disney cartoon Lady And The Tramp is also in the offing, as is a limited edition t-shirt made out of purple velours, designed by Fred Perry and adorned with the catchphrase ‘Look, Susan’.

All male race staff – including the Carabinieri – are being encouraged to grow their sideburns in a bid to pay their respects to the man Acquarone is hoping will succeed Ryder Hesjedal as the maglia rosa in Brescia on 26th May. Meanwhile, Team Sky will be given special dispensation to fill their musettes with McDonald’s burgers to stave off any bonking in the mountains.

It doesn’t stop at making Wiggins simply feel at home. In fact, the latest raft of rumours seem to indicate that Acquarone and his team are also bent on giving Wiggins a sporting advantage during the race.

As such, Fabian Cancellara is likely to be banned from the race, while steps are being taken to ensure that Tony Martin suffers a nasty fall in the opening week, whereby eliminating Wiggins’ principal threats for the all-important time trials.

Acquarone was also the driving force behind Katusha not receiving a wild-card invite for the race. “He thought that the last thing the race needed was Joaquim Rodriguez pushing for the pink jersey,” said Saddles’ source.

Complicated measures have been taken to ensure that the route never passes nearby petrol station forecourts for fear of Wiggins colliding with rogue drivers.

It is also thought that an online “Froome Fund” has been set up by Acquarone to make sure that Wiggins’ favoured right-hand man is on hand to guide him up the Galibier. Only once this job has been done will Froome be allowed to retire from the race and concentrate on his preparations for the Tour de France.

“Michele isn’t only offering Chris money. He’s pulled the strings with some of his well-connected friends in London: Froome will be honoured with a Victoria Cross for self-sacrifice on the battlefield in the 2013 New Year’s honours list.”

Talking of honours, it is said to be Acquarone’s bizarre infatuation with not only being responsible for helping Wiggins make history, but also making history himself, that is proving his most steely motivation.

“Michele has it in his head that should Wiggo win the Giro one year after he wins the Tour, he’ll be in line for a peerage. He wants to be the man who will be remembered in the history books as being the principal contributor to Wiggins’ upgrading from a Sir to a Lord. This might sound odd, but I believe he fancies himself as a type of honorary Italian Austin Powers type figure – but with better teeth,” added the source with a whisper.

Acquarone offered no comment when approached by Saddleblaze about these allegations. He did, however, stress his disappointment that Katusha’s absence from the race would deprive fans of the chance to see Denis Menchov in action.

When quizzed about the choice of wildcards for the race, Acquarone said the decision had been a difficult one and hoped that next year a new system will jazz things up a little. Acquarone is said to be in favour of seven wild cards joining 15 ProTour teams, with a public fan vote deciding just who makes the cut.

“He already told us about his plans to produce a Saturday night reality TV game show called ‘Who Wants To Be A Giro Wildcard?’ which will be presented by Silvio Berlusconi’s new wife,” confirmed the source.

One thing’s for sure, with Michele Acquarone at the helm, things are rarely boring. Which is why, quite frankly, his efforts to make Wiggins the face of the Giro is just so very baffling…

To win a Grand Tour at any stage in a career is a wonderful achievement. It is usually the culmination of years of hard work, commitment and sacrifice. Grand Tour winners are usually moulded and shaped by the experience of leading a team and winning smaller races over the course of a number of seasons. The rider’s team-mates must trust that their work will not be for nothing, that they can believe that their leader has what it takes to deliver.

Eventually, when the rider is physically and mentally mature enough and has earned the trust and respect of his team, he may be capable of tackling and conquering one of the sport’s three biggest races.

So to win a Grand Tour having never before won a stage race is highly unusual. But in May 2012, Ryder Hesjedal achieved just this.

Ryder Hesjedal, the first Canadian to win a Grand Tour

The decision by Jonathan Vaughters and the rest of the Garmin team to elect and get behind Hesjedal as team leader for the 2012 Giro d’Italia and to back this belief up with the delivery of overall victory is remarkable.

In an interview in a recent issue of Cycle Sport magazine, Hesjedal spoke about a meeting he had with team management in November 2011 where they explicitly asked him to focus on winning the Giro the following year:

That’s all I could think about from a couple of days after that meeting until winning the race. I think that’s pretty bad-ass actually – I didn’t win the Giro by chance. I set out to; it was my goal in November. That’s pretty special in sport.

It was the first winter that I’d worked for goals coming up in the next season.

 

Hesjedal’s palmarés can testify to that, certainly in terms of stage racing. He had a list of solid but not spectacular results, the highlight of which was sixth place overall at the 2010 Tour de France. But having the ability to win the second biggest stage race in the world? On paper, Hesjedal was still lacking.

He had never before won a stage race, he had never before finished on the podium of a stage race and he had never before worn the leader’s jersey in a stage race. This is why the confidence that his Garmin-Sharp team placed in him last year was risky but exceptional. What is even more unusual is they placed this confidence in a rider who is certainly not ‘one for the future’.

The last rider before Hesjedal to win the Giro d’Italia having never before won a stage race was Franco Balmamion in 1962[ref]Ivan Gotti did not win a professional stage race before his first Giro d’Italia victory in 1997. However he did win two editions of the Giro della Valle d’Aosta prior to this.[/ref].

Franco Balmamion – The Eagle of the Canavese

Balmamion defended his Giro crown the following year, and and amazingly, these were his only two stage race victories in a career which spanned 12 years. He won both races without winning

a stage and he remains the last Italian rider to win back to back editions of the Giro d’Italia. But when Balmamion won his first Giro crown 50 years ago he was 22 years old, Hesjedal won his when he was 31.

In the intervening years between the maiden victories of Balmamion and Hesjedal, of the other two Grand Tours, there have been 12 riders who have won either the Tour or the Vuelta having never before won a stage race. It has actually occurred three times in very recent times at the Tour with Carlos Sastre in 2008 and the two inherited wins of Andy Schleck and Oscar Pereiro. Prior to this at the Tour, there were also Frenchmen Lucien Aimar and Roger Pingeon in the mid-sixties.

Ferdi Bracke – The oldest rider in the last 50 years to win a Grand Tour as his first ever stage race victory.

Unsurprisingly, it is the Vuelta which has had the most stage race winning virgins take home the main prize including the likes of Roberto Heras, Marco Giovannetti and Alvaro Pino.

Two things are notable when comparing Ryder Hesjedal to the others who have achieved the same feat in the past 50 years. The first is that the Canadian is older than all of them were when they won their Grand Tour, apart from Ferdinand Bracke who was six months older when he won the 1971 Vuelta.

The second item of note is that every one of the other riders had competition for team leadership. For instance, Sastre was contending with the Schleck brothers at Team CSC in 2008. Andy Schleck himself was sharing leadership duties with brother Frank in 2010. Pereiro started the 2006 Tour at Movistar with Alejandro Valverde as leader. Giovannetti had Pino, Pino had Francisco Rodriguez, Jose Manuel Fuente had Miguel Maria Lasa.

It is perhaps unprecedented that a cyclist of Ryder Hesjedal’s age was trusted with sole leadership and the full backing of a team for a Grand Tour, having never before proven himself a winner in stage races, and paid back that trust with an overall win.

n

pull off the Pink TDF

?

why the shit not

he

held uh peak

fer 60 days last year

n

judging by his

TDF 130 whatever

to

yellow

he is the new

benchmark

fer what is

in physiological transformations possible

out with the swim coach

n

in with who the fugg knows

so the premise uv Brad2012

was

a swimming coach

brought Brad the radical concept

uv reverse periodization

also known as

what most uv us

who can’t tolerate 9 hr rides

uv grabassin all winter long

call

training

the premise being

light the fuggin match early n fuggin often

n

throught the process uv

detonating

ever so slightly less soon

get to where

a descent clip

kin finally be held

fer a descent clip

n masters fatties be shed

like wet dog fur inna front seat uv a Honda

problem is

now that Brads eyein

the pyellow jersey

at the

giro d’france

means

he’s gotta be goin

not just fast

may through August

but goin fuggin fast n long

which means

that he’s gotta

reverse

the reverse periodization

n

re reverse it

all in the month uv June

which kin only mean one thing

now that Leinders is gone

n

that is

hiring a cricket coach

n mitt Romneys wife’s horse trainer

* * * * *

veloclinic is the reincarnation of one of our favorite Twitter friends, @captaintbag1, whose tumblr blog posts were a kind of blank verse, Tecate-soaked haiku of truthiness that cut through the slick bullshit and to the very core of what is gloriously fucked up about the sport of cycling. Although the Cap may be gone (sort of), his Doctor tbag/Captain Hyde alter ego lives on, and we’re glad to share his pithy analysis here. Lest you think these are the idiot ramblings of a madman, we’d like you to know that the doc is a legitimate professional in the science of sports medicine, and a savant when it comes to doping analysis. You have been warned.

Last December saw my awards of Mass Distinction, but this year I’ve decided to be different as 2012 was a very special year indeed. A few categories have been deleted, and a few new categories have taken their place. Onward we go!

Best Revisionist History Attempt

• Rick Crawford for his “I only doped certain people and forgot about the others.”
• John Wilcockson, “We all screwed up during the Lance era so, bygones?”
• Michael Barry, “It was just so HARD. I HAD to dope. It wasn’t my fault. Forget what I said in 2010.”

And the winner is… Rick Crawford. Crawford’s partial admission, his comments surrounding the partial admission, and his excuses for his partial admission were weak attempts to hang onto his position coaching college athletes in Colorado. You were a coach. You were a mentor. Yes, you should have come forward back in 2001. You could have helped prevent an entire decade of corruption, doping, and fraud. And in the end you still got fired.

“I only doped two riders, I swear. Wait, what?” (yet another reason why we love @nyvelocity, see below for more)

Best Dramatic Performance

• Pat McQuaid for the October 22nd press conference announcing Lance Armstrong didn’t exist
• Brad Wiggins for his drinky-drinky smoke-filled holiday in Mallorca
• Team Katusha for World Tour licence denial

And the winner is… Team Katusha! Like there was any doubt.

Biggest Whiner in a Grand Tour

• Brad Wiggins for the Tour de France

And the winner is… Brad Wiggins! I mean, really, the rest of the whiners paled in comparison to Wiggo. I’m sending you a giant inflatable violin to play. I’m sure you can pick out a tune.

Most Likely to Hit the Tarmac

• Andy Schleck
• Mark Cavendish
• Pippo Pozzato

And the winner is … Andy Schleck! Tough year for crashes for all three of these gents, but Andy, who deployed the SchleckChute™ pretty much all year, had the worst luck. Best wishes for 2013!

Best Podium Performance by a Person, Duo, Trio, or Group

• Simon Clarke, “Call Me Maybe” at the Vuelta
• Ryder Hesjedal “Hockey Stick Flag” at the Giro
• Andreas Kloden, “Team Award Presentation” Tour de France

And the winner is … Simon Clarke! We adored the team’s “Call Me Maybe” viral video from the Vuelta, and his ballsy work on the podium was one of the highlights of the year for me!

Best Exit from a Race

• Johan Bruyneel “Tour de France”
• Frank Schleck “Tour de France”
• Lance Armstrong “Tour de France”

And the winner is … Johan Bruyneel! Yes, we enjoyed the fact the Tour folks basically told Flavio Becca his managerial secret weapon was “not desirable” for the Tour’s image. I loved how Johan attempted to spin it by saying it was his decision and what was best for the team. Right. He always has the team’s best interests at heart. Right.

Best Tow

• Mark Cavendish “Tour de France”
• Team GB “Men’s Olympic Road Race”
• Chris Froome “Tour de France”

And the winner is … Chris Froome! Yes Froomey towed Brad Wiggins all over France in July, for three weeks. Well, save one day where he got the flat and lost a minute twenty five and where the team left him to his own devices. But besides that one day, Froome did a brilliant job of ensuring Wiggo ended in yellow. I hope his midsection has recovered from the rope burns.

Best Example of Debauchery Following a Victory

• Brad Wiggins “Champs-Élysées After Party”
• Brad Wiggins “Post Olympic TT Victory Party”
• Brad Wiggins “Post SPOTY Award Win Party”

This was a tough one, but we have to go with… the SPOTY performance. Only because Wiggo looked the most retro disheveled after that particular drinking fest.

I’ll have a Wig Mac! Bradley Wiggins was getting a late-night snack in McDonald’s at 5am after winning SPOTY

Best Fashion Performance

• Jonathan Vaughters for “Britney Spears in drag”
• Lance Armstrong for “Triathlon Speedo”
• Brad Wiggins for “Tour de France Route Presentation”

And the winner is… Jonathan Vaughters! It’s all about the fishnets.

Best Twitter Zingerers

• @dwuori
• @saddleblaze
• @neilroad

And the winner is … @dwuori! Consistently the best producer of Twitter one-liners, and always with a humorous edge. ‘Twas a close vote!

Cycling Anti-Establishment Award

• @paulkimmage
• @neilroad
• @nyvelocity

And the winner is … @paulkimmage! Paul took no shite from anyone, filed a criminal complaint against the UCI, Verbruggen, and McQuaid, and expertly employed the phrase “Fuck off you fucking toe rag.”  He has stood for what’s right no matter the circumstances.

Tool of the Year

• Lance Armstrong
• Johan Bruyneel
• Hein Verbruggen

And the winner is … Johan Bruyneel! At least Lance backed away from douchebaggery after losing sponsors and pretty much almost every revenue stream, and Verbruggen has gone underground. Johan? He just doesn’t get it. Completely delusional. He belongs in “Tool of the Year” Hall of Fame!

Best Quote

• Hein Verbruggen “My reaction was strictly limited to the fact that Lance Armstrong was never found positive by the anti-doping laboratories, that there was no positive test and that there was nothing to be covered up.”
• Johan Bruyneel “A bunch of douches r gonna meet in London 2 change cycling. But why is @vaughters not on the list? He should be leading that group…” via Twitter.
• Miguel Indurain ” “Even now I believe in his innocence. He has always respected all the regulations… He has won all the cases he’s had.”

And the winner is … Miguel Indurain! Yes, we’ve come to expect ridiculous and contradictory quotes from Bruyneel and Verbruggen; however, Indurain was just a step above insanity with his appraisal of the Armstrong situation.

Best meeting for undisclosed purposes

• Phil Maertens, Cathy Mehl, and Johan Bruyneel at the Amgen Tour of California. The three were photographed hours after Johan was served “mysterious paperwork” by some government agency. After the serving, he disappeared to Europe, missing several important meetings.  I’m sure there was relief from Mehl and Maertens upon his departure.
• Pat McQuaid and Lance Armstrong via phone October 18th. Yes, our president actually took a phone call on his cellular phone from Lance Armstrong the Friday before the USADA decision. Oh to be a fly on that wall.
• Travis Tygart with (insert your name here).

And the winner is … Travis Tygart! His meetings single-handledly re-sculpted cycling. Whether or not the pile of steaming dog shite that is pro cycling right now will be sculpted into an Eiffel Tower or Guantanamo prison remains to be seen.

Best Alternative Live Cycling Feed Sites, Free to the Public!

• Cyclingfans.com
• Steephill.tv
• sportlemon.tv

It’s a three-way tie. Thanks to all three for providing decreased cubicle productivity across the globe! Slainte!

Best Mainstream Pundit

• David Harmon
• Rupert Guinness
• Andrea Berton

And the winner is … Rupert Guinness! Guinness was man enough to admit he made mistakes during the Armstrong era, and has continued to cover the sport with renewed vigour, bringing to the public key interviews with the key players in an Australian cycling, including new Oceania president Tracey Gaudry.

Horrorawful Mainstream Pundit

• Anthony Tan
• William Fotheringham
• Phil Liggett

And the winner is … Phil Liggett for the second year in a row. Liggett had tougher competition this year, especially with Fotheringham’s blatant Team Sky fanboy status and Anthony Tan’s bizarre escapades in punditry. But the winner, Phil Liggett, managed to distinguish himself as the Lance Armstrong sock puppet he truly is, especially with his latest attempts to excuse the disgraced former age group swimmer’s actions.

Dedication to Cycling Award

• David Walsh
• Mike Ashenden
• Betsy Andreu

And the winner is … Betsy Andreu! The woman was unswerving in her campaign to expose the truth about what has been occurring in cycling, a decade-plus-long process that finally finished in 2012. In typical Betsy fashion, she gave interviews, told her side of the story, and then went back to making lunch for her boys and daughter. No book deal. No TV series. Andreu did this for cycling (and some loving abuse from certain friends) and not for her own financial gain.

Charles Talleyrand Diplomacy Award

• Jonathan Vaughters
• George Hincapie
• Klaus Mueller

And the winner is … Jonathan Vaughters. Vaughters embodies all the ideals exuded by Talleyrand. He is an influential member of every cycling organisation that has a shot of wrestling some power away from the UCI. He’s got both sides of the fence covered with both the AIGCP and the breakaway cycling league people led by the Gifted Group. For good measure, he’s also part of the MPCC, and makes policy with the PCC under the auspices of the UCI. Hedge betting and shifting allegiances? Vaughters is the king. He has a career as a diplomat in his future. He would be one of the best in the world.

Best Cycling Clothing Company

• Rapha
• Vulpine
• Velobici

And the winner is … Vulpine! Not only does the company produce quality clothing products at affordable prices, but their dedication to the grassroots of cycling is impeccable. Vulpine’s founder Nick Hussey is assisting in a fan-backed women’s cycling initiative, as well as being extremely active in engaging the public on Twitter and his blog. The company has also pioneered a cycling fête, bringing a wide variety of cycling-related ventures together under one roof to showcase their wares, and they may turn the event into a travelling show. With a dog performing tricks for good measure.

Twitter Armchair Pundit Award

• @fmk_RoI
• @digger_forum
• @captaintbag1

And the winner is … @fmk_RoI. The opinionated Mr. M has been a consistent agitator on Twitter, challenging anyone of any stripe (including yours truly), any loyalty, or any level of the sport on a variety of subjects from the breakaway league to anti-doping efforts to pro-team finances. Fmk has had some memorable interactions on Twitter, most notably with Jonathan Vaughters, is a regular contributor of peerless book reviews to podiumcafe.com, and also graces our pages at cyclismas.com with unparalleled historical narratives and interviews.

Mr. World Tour Award

• Purito Rodriguez
• Adam Hansen
• Philippe Gilbert

And the winner is… Adam Hansen! Hansen finished ALL THREE grand tours this year, one of only 31 cyclists who have ever completed this feat. Hansen also makes himself very accessible to the fans and to journalist alike. A frequent tweeter, funnyman Hansen has earned the well-deserved title of top comedic talent in the peloton. We hope next year that Adam can break his Grand Tour stage victory goose egg, for as Greg Henderson noted on a broadcast of CCNN-TV earlier this year, that perennial bridesmaid Hansen failed to win any of the 63 stages he completed in 2012.

Ms. World Tour Award

• Marianne Vos
• Evelyn Stevens
• Liz Armitstead

And winner is … Marianne Vos. Like there was any doubt.

Best Mainstream News Website 

• Velonews
• Velonation
• Cyclingnews

And the winner is … Velonation! Uncompromising stories, dedicated coverage from a smaller team than either of its fellow finalists, but consistently punching above its weight, led by the never-sleeping, ever-tireless, Shane Stokes.

Best Alternative Cycling Site (other than Cyclismas)

• inrng.com
• tourchats.com
• nyvelocity.com

And the winner is … nyvelocity.com! Yeah, we may be a bit biased, but these gentlemen have been most key in exposing important information to the general cycling public, as well as crafting the legendary Toto comic strip.

Favourite UCI Overlord minion for 2012

• @asteinkamp
• @Bridie_OD
• @marijnfietst
• @kittyfondue

It’s tough picking my favourite person to interact with on Twitter (besides @cycletard, of course) BUT I did have to make a selection. Based upon a careful cross-comparison of retweets, interactions, favourites, and general great times on Twitter, the winner is…. @marijnfietst! Brilliant writer. Brilliant professional cyclist. An absolute gem on Twitter and in real life. The deserving champion of the social media jersey competition (she was robbed, methinks). Marijn de Vries is a great voice for cycling. Period.

Best commentating moment

• Andrea Berton for the Giro d’Italia Stage 15, Rabottini victory
• David Harmon, London Olympics Chris Hoy Keirin Final
• David Bond, UCI Lance Armstrong Geneva Press Conference

This was a close call. And the winner … Andrea Berton. His call of the Rabottini victory goes down as one of the most passionate displays of coverage cycling has seen in the past decade.

Best Doping Confessor

• Levi Leipheimer
• Tom Danielson
• George Hincapie

And the winner is … Levi Leipheimer. Levi has taken his punishment, endured a firing, and has gone about his business. Danielson could learn a thing or a hundred from Leipheimer.

Worst Doping Confessor

• Michele Ferrari
• Lance Armstrong
• Johan Bruyneel

And the winner is … Michele Ferrari. This competition was neck and neck until Ferrari came out with his incredible Al Jazeera interview. Just wow.

Best Future Publishing Pundit

• Daniel Friebe
• Daniel Benson
• Jane Aubrey

Since they are the cycling media juggernaut, it’s only fair they get their own category. I mean, Future gets something like a million hits a day on their collective properties. After a tough decision, the award goes to … Daniel Friebe! Not only because Friebe was “rumoured” to be behind some influential pseudonymous Twitter handles which may have disappeared over the course of 2012, more importantly, he wins the hair competition.

Cyclismas Best Grand Tour Award

• Tour de France
• Vuelta
• Giro d’ Italia

And the winner is … Giro d’Italia! Great television coverage, great Internet video coverage, the best post-race variety show, outstanding social media interactions led by Giro boss Michele Acquarone, and an amazing three-week spectacle that came down to the final stage in Milan. It produced the most panachey moment of 2012, according to Rapha’s Simon Mottram.

Thank you to all for an outstanding 2012. We’ll see you in 2013. Best wishes for a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Hesjedal give the thumbs up moments after hanging ten on the podium (Photo courtesy AP)

While Hesjedal has been simultaneously recuperating from his Giro efforts in his Spanish enclave in the northern parts of the country and eschewing attempts by Canadian officials to lure him home, Wilson has managed to achieve success with the Cohen Brothers. It seems the filmmaking duo have been eyeing a Big Lebowski prequel, tentatively titled “The Big Lebowski: The Dude Begins,” focusing on the character played by Jeff Bridges in the original film.

“Man, I tell you, there’s no one as chill as Ryder. He elevates chilling out to an art form. He’d be a natural for the role as The Dude. He even says ‘Mind if I do a J’ the same way Jeff says it,” commented a relaxed Wilson.

Pundits agree, especially after the Canadian’s latest interview with Velonews scribe Andrew Hood where Hesjedal was quoted as saying, “I only took three days off the bike. I’ve been taking it real easy. I wasn’t doing much. I’ve just been chilling out…” That boy is hella chill,” noted Hood.”He’s a natural. The amount of chilling out he does in a day would make him perfect as The Dude,” concurred  the journalist to this correspondent.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone besides Jeff Bridges wear a poncho with the same flair as Ryder,” declared Eurosport’s David Harmon. “Possibly Patrick Swayze in ‘Point Break,’ but that movie gave off a different vibe entirely,” mused the British sportscaster.

There are a few roadblocks to Hesjedal participating in the rumored production, the most important being July’s Tour de France, and potentially the Olympics afterwards. With the ‘Slackadian’ himself having confirmed his participation in the Tour as well as a possible shot at the Olympics, one must ask the question: Where does this leave his potential turn on the big screen?

“I’m just really enjoying the chill part of my season. Man, if it works out I can be The Dude after the Tour de France. I’d be stoked to be in the movie. I’m hoping they’ll move production to either Spain or Maui, as it would be a bit of a hassle if the filming was somewhere else,” commented Hesjedal.

He then paused for 20 minutes, inhaled a few hits of J, and watched the wind blow for another 15 minutes before finishing his initial thought.

“Not that I’d mind going somewhere else, cuz I’ll just go with the flow and it all should just work out. I’m chill,” Hesjedal concluded.

The laconic Norwedian concluded the interview by moving from the hammock in his yard and sauntering down to the terrace. There he continued his chillaxin’ at a barbecue with Slacker Pack members Laird Hamilton, Owen Wilson, Kelly Slater, and other notables from Maui who had joined Hesjedal for a month-long celebratory Spanish luau following his Giro victory. Rumor has it that Lance Armstrong flew in with a special New Belgium Brewing Company beer for the celebration, which he’d had specially made up by the Fort Collins company. No word if “Ryder Vibe Ale” would be hitting retail stores for the general public.

Following the conclusion of his post-Giro festivities, Hesjedal will prepare for the upcoming Tour de France with a training program that includes beer, blues music, and Tantric yoga. No word yet on whether this plan features plenty of “J” or not.

Cyclismas will continue to monitor this story as it develops.

To the “more” end of things, I felt it was appropriate to hand out a few of my own awards, recognizing the efforts of all around the Grand Spectacle. I leaked a few last night, as any good member of the UCI should pre-leak a few things once in awhile.

But before we get to the awards segment, I’d like to thank all of you for following along with my special malarkey during the Giro. I hope many of you enjoyed the banter and commentary via Twitter, and I also hope that many of you didn’t (you all know who you are).

Best “Mark Cavendish” Moment – Andrea Guardini for his exit from the Giro

Oh Guardini. You were busted hanging onto a car. Funny thing is, Andreas Klier told our boys on CCNN in Episode 4 about 50 guys hanging onto one car just to survive the 1999 Giro. This was after you were victorious in beating your idol Mark Cavendish. Oh wait, no, you told CyclingNews via video that it’s Robbie McEwen. Right. It seems the Manx Missile needs to give you a few more tips on proper “tow” etiquette.

Best Photo – Laura Meseguer

photo courtesy Laura Meseguer

Laura + Didi = winner.  Laura did an outstanding job covering the Giro. She also knew how to have a little fun during the race. This photo with Didi captures perfectly one of the hardest-working people in the sport. Plus she has a wicked sense of humour.

Worst Attempt at Headline Stealing – Johan Bruyneel

Yes, I know it’s Johan. It’s supposed to always be all about him. Still can’t believe he attempted to use negative reinforcement to a) “motivate” his riders b) grab some publicity for his sagging team, and c) highlight just how awesome Fabian Cancellara is over the rest of the team. How can someone who patches up a “spat” one day then go back on his word and attack his rider AGAIN in a column. Oh right, it’s Johan. Nevermind.

Best Interview – Roberto Ferrari post-Cavendish crash

As I stated on Twitter, I’ve never seen so many shoulder shrugs since Clinton attempted to declare his innocence in the whole “I did not have sexual intercourse with that woman” incident.

Best Comedy Moment – Farnese Vini leaves Underpants man with a Cipollini bike

So Farnese-Selle Italia have probably gained the highest amount of exposure per budget of any team. Literally. Man on side of the road in underpants is spotted holding Rabottini’s bike.  Rabottini receives new bike from Luca Scinto. Scinto, either in a stroke of generousity or just plain adrenalin, leaves the bike in the hands of Mr. Underpants. The last we see is the man in underpants running down the road holding the bike yelling to the team car that they left the bike behind.

Best TV Commentator Tweeter – Andrea Berton

Berton has always been a great commentator, but this year he has really embraced the Twitter medium. His tweets in English and Italian before, during, and after the stages showed the dedication he had in covering the sport for the fans.  David Harmon of Eurosport may have been one of the first to include tweets and fan interaction in broadcasts, but Berton has taken it to the next level.

Berton still is recovering his vocal chords after Rabottini (photo courtesy blog.panorama.it)

Best Pro Tweeter – A tie between Adam Hansen and Taylor Phinney

Phinney and Hansen have provided tweets upon tweets of entertainment. Unlike other professionals who plainly use it for promotional purposes only, Phinney and Hansen actually enjoy the medium.  Taking a page from one of the original funnymen of the tweeting peloton, Greg Henderson of Lotto-Belisol, Hansen continued providing comedy throughout the Giro, in spite of some tough injuries.  His plot line on barking dogs was a treat. Phinney, not one to be outdone, spawned a meme with his #GiroLoveStory hashtag, and interacted with his fans on a regular basis. Well done by both.

“Best” Giro Outfit – John Gadret in Stage 20

The photo tells the tale.

Pink shoes cap off the vomit on a bike colour scheme (photo courtesy of cyclingnews.com)

Best Carrot Moment – Carrot Car almost ramming Liquigas rider

The Euskaltel mechanic steals a page out of their riders’ playbook and almost takes out Liquigas rider Damiano Caruso.  A close runner-up was the poor Carrot who wiped out in the team time trial.

My Favorite Giro Tweet – Scott Sunderland aka @triplesmc

“I think there is a few people having a good toss… But no bikes were seen flying. Only ego’s”

Best Giro Team – Farnese-Selle Italia

Appearances by Luca Scinto, Andrea Guardini, and Pippo Pozzato on Processo alla Tappa. Rabottini’s incredible breakaway win after almost losing out to Rodriguez in the last 500 metres. Guardini’s sprint victory against Cavendish. Luca Scinto talking on the phone to Andrea Berton during the stage. Pippo Pozzato’s almost wins and his wrist breaking. Yes, the “Hi-Viz” (thanks to @mmmaiko) chartreuse colours of the Farnese-Selle Italia team were on bright display at the Giro, and hands down provided the best experience of any team present on all levels.

Best Stage Win – Matteo Rabottini

He made everyone hoarse. Including David Harmon. A breakaway on his lonesome started 18 kilometres in. Caught within metres of the finish line. Had the intestinal fortitude to dig in, match Rodriguez, and pass him for the stage win.

Best Giro “Fight” – Alex Rasmussen vs. Fränk Schleck

It even spilled over into Twitter, and spawned a hashtag – #GIRORUMBLE. It made Vaughters vs. Cipollini no big deal. Ferrari vs. Cavendish? Pah, no spark there. No, Fränk Schleck took his ire at Johan Bruyneel out on the ample arse of Alex Rasmussen. And the two launched Twitter volleys at one another. I’m looking forward to the encore, Rumble in the Tour de France Jungle.

Best unrequited love story – @Saddleblaze and @Laura_Meseguer

Will Saddles land a dinner date with his female counterpart? Will this #girolovestory have a happy ending? I think it may have to wait until the Vuelta for a true answer.

Best Giro Media Coverage – VeloNews.com and SBS Cycling Central

Outside of the home country and home court advantage of Gazzetta, who again superbly covered the race, I have to give full marks to VeloNews for their coverage of this year’s Giro. Neal Rogers and Brian Holcombe did a great job of organising the troops to provide video, photo, and written coverage stage-by-stage.  Gregor Brown and Andrew Hood rivaled the untiring Rupert Guinness for late hours in the press room. While I may take umbrage with Gregor Brown’s content at times, along with his self-absorbed tweet stream, I cannot complain about his output. However, Andrew Hood may be one of the most underrated scribes in Europe, and offers fantastic analysis.

The cycling crew of SBS Cycling Central out of Australia did a phenomenal job of providing insight, video, reports, blogs, and commentary. It almost made me wish I lived in Australia in order to take in the live broadcast team of Mike Tomalaris, Scott Sunderland, Matthew Keenan, and Scott McGrory. With David MacKenzie on the ground in Italy, Stuart Randall’s steady hand in the production booth, the work of Phil Gomes and Al Hinds on the website makes me wish the Giro folks could contract with this crew to provide English language coverage. All they would need is Harmon and Kelly full time to round out the team.

Best Ryder Hesjedal Quote – “Good” said many, many, many times. Followed by dead air.

 * * * * *

And that concludes the Giro for yours truly. Now, commence with all the speculation, whinging, and other such malarkey until the Tour de France begins. And now, I must continue to plan for the creation of #cyclingdamian with @mmmaiko. Slàinte!

A picture paints a thousand words

A disturbed David MacKenzie witnesses the nonchalant pick and wipe from Giro contender Ryder Hesjedal (video courtesy of SBS Cycling Central)

“I just don’t understand why we haven’t been able to drop him. I mean, he has no personal panache, no excitement, no verve. I mean, has anyone checked to see if he’s actually human?” asked a perplexed Purito while simultaneously entertaining three podium girls, flirting with a journalist, and texting his significant other.

Basso paused long enough from his campaign to become Italy’s first blueberry-farming prime minister to ponder the question of Hesjedal.

“His rhythmic heavy breathing is eerily reminiscent of Lance. And he spins on the trainer after races like Wiggins.  He is emulating these two champions in a bizarre hybrid homage that could unnerve me enough on Stelvio to give him the Giro,” mused Basso.

Rodriguez can't understand why Hesjedal isn't enjoying the Giro experience as much as he is.

Pundits have been perplexed if not puzzled by the Ryder question. Many in the North American press have derided or ignored Hejedal as a Grand Tour contender completely. A notable exception is Joe Lindsey of Bicycling Magazine, who trumped out his “Ryder card” on Thursday in his fawning Giro blog, much as he did in 2010 when the Canadian was closing in on a potential Tour de France win during that campaign.

When asked why journalists had trouble with the GC contender and putting  articles together extolling his virtures, SBS reporter David McKenzie offered his opinion.

“Frankly he really doesn’t give us much to write about. It’s worse than interviewing Wiggins. Trying to crack his dour manner is as bad as watching a Pinter play performed by Stephen Fry. Plus, he’s a nose picker,” commented McKenzie, highlighting the now-viral screen capture of Ryder nonchalantly mining his left nostril before examining and discarding the nugget while discussing Thursday’s stage with the reporter.

Garmin-Barracuda team boss Jonathan Vaughters did not return our phone calls for comment. Well-placed sources within the team commented that Vaughters refused to alter his routine, fearful of jinxing Hesjedal’s potential win. This adherence to ritual included a halt on clothing changes, a hiatus from phone calls with the press, a suspension on shaving, and a daily live chicken sacrifice on his kitchen island.

Hesjedal, when asked what preparations he was going to invoke for Friday’s stage up the famous Alpe di Pampeago, made famous by hallowed greats such as Marco Pantani, was his typical mono-emotional self.

“I might have a couple sips of coffee.  Maybe read an article in Architectural Digest. Sit on the balcony and listen to the wind. Maybe look at my knee for an hour or two. Say a quick “hullo” to the missus, not much,” stated a flat Hesjedal.

The Giro d’Italia concludes Sunday in Milan.