“We are proudly announced almost all riders for Katusha Team are cooperating with authorised anti-doping bodies,” stated the press release, “We are happy of this declarations of being 96.55172413793103 percent clean.”

Galimzyanov's confession letter (photo courtesy of www.inrng.com)

When asked about the 3.44827586206897 percent that wasn’t clean, team manager Brian Holczer was definitive in his answers.

“We have a handwritten letter explaining the percentage that is the issue for our team. I will say I am quite proud we are almost 100 percent clean. It is a big improvement over my last team, Gerolsteiner, where it seems the opposite was true. It took me years to overcome that hurdle and return to the sport,” commented Holczer.

The handwritten letter, courtesy of star-Katusha-sprinter Denis Galimzyanov, went out of its way to explain why the team shouldn’t suffer for his personal transgressions. It documented his troubled past, the dubious sort of folks whose influence he acceded to in China at the Tour of Beijing, and the vast quantities of consumer electronics and cut-rate textiles he received in exchange for use of the Chinese EPO. In fact, Galimzyanov’s likeness has been reportedly seen on Chinese television where he served as a spokesman for the EPO company supplying him.

When asked about Galimzyanov, Holczer was extremely defensive.

“Hey now! Just because I was on a team with a high percentage of cheats in the past doesn’t mean I am directly responsible for what happens with the riders on my team. I am a victim of coincidence. Just because I run the team doesn’t mean I have an obligation to keep track of every single rider. It’s a big team. I am proud of the fact that Katusha is currently  96.55172413793103 percent clean. In fact, now that Denis has admitted his transgressions and decided not to fight the charges, Katusha is currently a 100-percent clean team,” spun Holczer.

Katusha team owner Igor Makarov offered his thoughts.

“In Russia, achieving a 96.55172413793103 percent in university grading means you are heralded as a genius in your studies. I am proud of my team’s record. I’m also proud of Denis admitting his mistakes, and taking his prison sentence like a true Russian Hero,” stated Makarov via phone from his 60-foot yacht, Areti 1.

Katusha takes a fully-loaded roster to Fleche Wallone on Wednesday.

Rasmussen shows his solidarity with Schumacher (photo courtesy Luis Barbosa)

“I can confirm that I have filed an injunction against my former teammate Levi Leipheimer for violating the terms of our personality rights infringement settlement. The terms of our settlement specifically state that he cannot be fully bald. He must maintain a one millimetre halo and cannot be shaven clean,” commented Schumacher.

The original injunction relates to a lawsuit filed in German courts after a falling out between Leipheimer and Schumacher during the 2006 season, which saw Leipheimer’s exit from the Gerolsteiner team to join Team Discovery Channel. Schumacher, fed up with being mistaken for Leipheimer throughout that tumultuous season sought “personality rights,” under German civil code, that rested on the foundation of his “distinctive baldness.”

Schumacher won the case, in part due to solid work from his legal team, the same legal eagles that worked with him during his doping issues. He also won the case due to Leipheimer’s failure to respond in court coupled with the American’s public assertion in February of 2007, “Who cares what happens in Germany? It ain’t the United States and we make world policy anyhow.”

Leipheimer’s answer to the injunction filed was to issue a beetroot-backed thumping of Schumacher during Stage 3 of the Tour de San Luis. He also offered a candid comment about the brewing situation.

“Look, he got caught and confessed to doping.  I think that from a moral perspective, anyone caught doping loses their right to any sort of look, and I think that I have truly brought baldness to a new level in Schumacher’s absence. As a clean professional cyclist, I’m sure the grassroots of the sport will back me 100 percent on this,” declared a steady Leipheimer.

Michael Rasmussen, Schumacher’s teammate and another in a string of reformed dopers in the peloton, declared his solidarity by shaving his head for Schumacher.

“Stefan deserves his court-ordered baldness personality rights. I’m shaving my head in the spirit of teamwork, camaraderie, and because if truth be told, I really have nothing left up there due to congenital premature hair loss which runs rampant among the Danish people, including Bjarne Riis,” stated Rasmussen.

However, Andy Shen and Dan Schmalz of nyvelocity.com fame – both dedicated cycling follicle experts – released a press statement on how the situation should be resolved.

“We feel that that people of the sport deserve a ‘bald off” during New York fashion week. Let a panel of experts including ourselves and those from the fashion runways of the world determine which one looks best bald, besides ourselves, of course.”

Adding insult to injury was Leipheimer’s victory in the individual time trial today at the Tour de San Luis, which was, in the words of Schumacher, “stolen by a clean-shaven thief of epic proportions hitherto unseen in the pro peloton.”

Schumacher’s legal team are examining Leipheimer’s schedule for the season and are planning to file injunctions in all jurisdictions to force Leipheimer to comply with the German court decision.