Tyler Hamilton’s tell-all book, The Secret Race, identifies Maire as the shadowy individual Phillipe the ” Motoman,”  who acted as an EPO mule for Armstrong and select members of his USPS team during their 1999 bid to win the Tour de France.

“Philou has been a great friend to Lance and the boys, but I truly haven’t seen him in 18 months. He hasn’t been around our team at all this year. I’m not sure why all of these past occurrences are relevant today. We are in a new era. A clean era. And I still maintain that Lance never had a positive test,” stated soon-to-be-ex team-management consultant Johan Bruyneel.

However, when photos surfaced on Twitter today showing Fränk Schleck and Jens Voigt posing in 2012 with the mysterious figure from Hamilton’s soon-to-be-#1 New York Times Best Seller, Bruyneel had only two words that he was willing to share with this reporter before he promptly hung up the phone.

“Motoman” poses between Jens Voigt and Frank Schleck in a photo discovered on “Motoman’s” facebook profile by Martijn Hendriks (@hendriksmj)

Fan-favorite Voigt took to Twitter to render his opinion of the Hamilton confessional, and made several simplistic comments asserting that he refused to read Hamilton’s book, ostensibly in the hopes that by not reading the book, none of it could harm him, nor be rendered as true.

Why not?! ?! Because i was racing when he took drugs and cheated on lied to all of us. He lied to you, to me to the whe world.

— Jens Voigt (@thejensie) September 13, 2012

When contacted for the details of the relationship between himself and the nefarious Motoman, Voigt put his fingers in his ears, sang “Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala” and walked away.

However, Fränk Schleck was more than happy to discuss Maire.

“I was forced to work with ‘Motoman’ by Johan Bruyneel. I refused and refused and refused to use what Motoman dropped off to me at the behest of Johan. I firmly believe Motoman was the one who spiked my bottles with that unpronounceable diuretic as payback for wasting Johan’s money. I want out of this team! Let me go back to Bjarne! Where’s Andy? Where’s Kim?” cried Schleck hysterically when called for comment.

Noted cycling pundits around the world were reeling from the shock of their cash cows continuing to disappear from the cycling landscape, like cows being sucked off the range by bloodthirsty aliens. A gobsmacked Ned Boulting managed to eke out a few words:

“My world has changed. Journalists are breaking the omertá. People are picking on me and ITV on Twitter. I just don’t know what to do any more. I want the Armstrong era back. At least that period was predictable and safe for us to profit from mass-produced cycling fiction on a large scale. Now? I actually have to work for a living. It’s a stunning turn of events,” stated Boulting.

The remainder of the professional peloton are on pins and needles to see who will be the next rider fingered in MotomanGate. Rumor is swirling that several ex-Discovery Channel and Astana riders are undertaking their retirements as of press time. Cyclismas will be following the developing story closely.

In this this photo provided by PhotoSport International, Ivan Basso leads Andy Schleck, Cadel Evans and Thomas Voeckler at the Tour de France. (Thanks to RedKitePrayer.com for sourcing the photo)

Backed by research from water.org founders Matt Damon and Gary White, the four giants of cycling cited statistics showing that more than 80% of the untreated sewage in developing countries is being directly discharged into rivers, lakes and coastal areas, polluting precious water supplies.

In addition to the sewage problem, heavy metals pollution is another chief contributor to the demise of the world’s water sources. “One of the most damaging pollutants in our water supply is lead, and the fact that many pipes in first world nations prior to 1986 were built with lead means that we have a huge problem with contamination, not to mention the use of lead in a variety of industrial applications that taint our water supply.” declared Damon.” The fact that these four cycling greats may have inadvertantly ingested copious amounts of lead could contribute to performance issues in their chosen sport.”

The Schleck brothers presented supporting research of their lead ingestion, which they feel has been directly responsible for their inability to descend in races at a rate comparable to others in the sport.

“We have lead bottoms as a result of years of ingesting lead-tainted water, and we’re very unhappy about the fact that our government agencies are unwilling to protect us against this corporate conspiracy. Our descents are slow due to the lead content of our bodies. When someone accuses us of having lead in our asses, it is true,” stated a subdued Frank Schleck, speaking on behalf of his brother, Andy.

Bradley Wiggins feels that the lead content in the water supply has led to his sullen behavior. “Lead causes depression. It’s a proven fact. My behavior and actions towards the press are due to my ingestion of lead. No other reason is applicable,” declared Wiggins, rather indifferently.

Basso also cited lead contamination as the reason for his short attention span at any race other than the Giro d’Italia, stating that high lead content in water outside of his native Italy was cause for his sub-par performances beyond the borders of his home country.

As part of their efforts to help clean up the peloton’s tainted water supplies, the Schleck brothers have announced a minority partnership in a new business venture whose products will include a Brita-style filtration system, along with a Camelbak-style chest pack for the professional peloton and casual riders alike. Fränk Schleck has already experimented with a prototype system during several races this past year, provoking the ire of the UCI, who, upon being informed of the project, failed to sanction the rider. The business entity, fronted by an unnamed Dubai-based business consortium, is rumored to be targeting a launch to coincide with the first WorldTour race of the 2011 calendar.

Lance Armstrong starting 2nd lap of swim at 2011 Xterra World Championship (photo by David Tjhio)

“I’ve let the entire cancer community down with another in a string of non-winning performance in the past 18 months. The Livestrong community expects me to win at every event I enter, which hasn’t happened for quite some time,” relayed a sullen Armstrong.

Armstrong’s 23rd place overshadowed a phenomenal performance by Austrian Michael Weiss, who was the actual winner of the event. The jublilant Austrian’s press conference, however, was interrupted by Armstrong’s bellows of comeback 3.0 at the back of the room, swaying the press corps’ attention away from the victor.

“After a few seconds of deliberation, it is my intention to return to the sport of professional cycling. I have already spoken with my mentor, Johan Bruyneel, who is welcoming me with open arms to his new team that was to be led by the Schleck Brothers. I look forward to potentially helping, or inspiring, or torpedoing, their efforts to win a Tour, depending on whatever I feel like doing at the time,” declared a stubborn Armstrong.

When asked about his present physical condition, which some noted as bearing a remarkable resemblance to Jan Ullrich’s current physique, Armstrong responded by shoving the reporter against the chain link fence encircling the finish zone.

“That’s bullshit. I’m not going out like that asshole riding retirement ‘fundos’ in Miami – I’m hanging onto fierce competition with the only f**king deathgrip I know how, so f**k off,” responded Armstrong to the query.

Johan Bruyneel – who spent two days on planes just to be by Armstrong’s side in Hawaii for the announcement – was beaming from ear to ear.

“I am welcoming the only family I have back into the fold, doing the only thing I know how to do, to raise the Lance banner one more time in Paris. And no this isn’t about trying to hide an embarrassing tri finish for the best athlete ever to grace the planet,” stated Bruyneel.

When asked about the reaction of the Schlecks to the announcement, Bruyneel was candid. “I’ve never told any rider other than Lance about anything that happens within a team, so why should I start now? Mark my words, Lance will be on the podium in Paris.”

The Schleck brothers could not be reached for comment due to their shopping excursion in Monaco, looking for an appropriate congratulatory baby gift for Mark Cavendish and Peta Todd.

Bernard Hinault stands on his tippy toes to stay in the shot with Yannick Noah

Noah, whose presence was contractually required as part of his spokesperson gig for jersey supplier and major Tour de France sponsor, Le Coq Sportif, was rather surprised and bemused by the fact that anyone found relevance in the sport of cycling. Considering the vast majority of the French country used the month of July as an excuse to escape to Mediterranean coastal areas of Europe, “Tonton” Noah found the popularity of the Tour de France somewhat mystifying.

“It’s quite a spectacle to see our country invaded by Yanks, Brits, Norwegians, and those ridiculous Dutchies during July,” commented Noah, “I mean, the bicycle is great for getting groceries, but it doesn’t have the drama of Formula 1 racing or showcase the skills required in superior pursuits like tennis.”

When told that the Tour de France is one of the most popular televised sporting events on in the world, Noah was rather surprised but upon further reflection commented, “Well considering the fact that golf is considered a spectator sport for television, maybe cycling being popular isn’t much of a stretch.”

Noah offered his assessment of the Schleck brothers, Andy and Frank, based upon the recent viewing of their appearance on “Ushi & the Family” for Dutch TV channel RTL.

“One appears to walk funny, the other is the brother. They’re too skinny, and frankly, in the grand scheme of all things European, they are a minor irrelevance popular only in a country of 500,000 inhabitants [referring to Luxembourg],” declared the tennis legend.

When asked if he has ever ridden a bicycle, Noah smiling slyly, noted, “There are other, far more important pursuits when it comes to the term riding.”

Noah spent the remainder of the presentation in the rear anteroom catching up on his favorite cooking shows via Apple TV.