Becca attempts to build a more solid foundation for 2013 (Photo: H2O Solutions)

“I have begun negotiations for HSBC to step in to fill the void being created by the departure of our current crop of sponsors. HSBC shares a similar set of values with myself and my business dealings, not to mention a common philosophy on how we handle our rider accounts and banking clientele,” commented Becca.

HSBC has itself been mired in scandals that will cost the bank $2 billion in fines. HSBC first mis-sold loan insurance and derivatives, amid allegations that traders attempted to rig Libor, and endured a Senate investigation in the Unites States that saw HSBC laundering money for drug dealers out of Mexico.

Becca felt that an alignment with his team, temporarily called RadioShack-Nissan (Trek), would be just the tonic HSBC needed to divert attention from their scandals.

“They are a company that actually needs us. Our scandals pale in comparison to theirs. Just because one of our doctors is under investigation, our team manager/team management consultant is on the verge of a lifetime ban, and a partner in our marketing firm CSE is about to have seven Tour titles stripped, thos are just small potatoes. Throw in dodgy team decisions, non-payment of riders, lawsuits, and threats of benching riders who are signing with other teams – all really no big deal in comparison to HSBC’s problems,” concluded Becca.

HSBC representatives did confirm they spoke with Becca, but would only state the conversations were related to helping Becca fix his taxation troubles at home in Luxembourg, as well as to mention in passing that Becca had left a sponsorship package for them to look over.

“No matter how big the fines and how bad our reputation is, I doubt we’d want to align ourselves with a team that employs a manager facing a lifetime ban from cycling. Becca did tell us that he was willing to look for a new manager in order to secure our involvement, so we’re examining the opportunity for its potential,” commented an HSBC representative who wished to remain anonymous.

When asked about replacing Bruyneel, Becca indicated he has been looking at other candidates.

“I’ve had discussions with former Rock Racing owner Michael Ball. He seems to have a good head for business, and also past experience with champions in the sport. He also still races himself in America, or so I’m told; he might be the best choice for 2013,” stated Becca.

Becca refused to speculate on the status of Andy and Frank Schleck for 2013, but did state his desire to steal Chris Froome away from Team Sky, and also showed his displeasure with Bruyneel in defying his orders to allow Jakob Fuglsang to ride at the Colorado race with the ridiculously long name.

There was no timetable on a decison from HSBC on the potential sponsorship deal, but Becca has approximately two months to solidify the deal prior to WorldTour status review with the UCI.

“After careful consideration, we have decided to ask Becca’s strange creation to stay home for this year’s Tour de France. We are doing this to protect the good name of the ASO and the reputation of our hallowed race,” declared a muted Prudhomme.

Prudhomme (2nd from left) during Schleck's 2010 Jersey presentation. Prudhomme refused to appear on stage with Johan Bruyneel (photo courtesy RadioShack-Nissan

Prudhomme prepared a power point presentation highlighting the marketing challenges the team has presented in 2012:

• A dearth of a clear management structure for the first half of the season
• Steadfast refusal to participate in 2.1 races in 2012
• Failure to protect Andy and Fränk Schleck from harm
• Airing out team dirty laundry in the press
• Failure to protect Fabian Cancellara from harm
• Withholding Jakob Fuglsang from Grand Tour participation
• Creating a PR disaster by changing the Chris Horner story four times
• Withholding Andy Schleck from the Tour
• Failure to keep team minions in line with their public comments in reference to fellow teammates
• Failure to divulge details of Johan Bruyneel’s May disappearance
• Failure to divulge Johan Bruyneel’s involvement with USADA investigation
• Allowing Alain Gallopin obvious familial nepotism
• Ejecting Kim Andersen from active management duty
• Failure to divulge team doctor involvement in alleged organized doping schemes
• Failure to pay salaries to team members and support staff
• Failure to represent sponsors in an agreed-upon manner
• General mistreatment of the cycling fan base

Prudhomme suggested these reasons were just the tip of the iceberg.

“Frankly, many of these reasons could eject any team from the tour. The straw that broke our back, however, was the refusal of team owner Flavio Becca to help fund our foray into Middle Eastern construction projects. This Becca character squeaks when he walks, and frankly, doesn’t live up to his obligations as a partner with the ASO,” commented a frustrated Prudhomme.

When asked if the dodgy associations, the pending charges against Bruyneel, and allegations involving key support staff gave him a moment’s pause, Prudhomme continued rather candidly, “No, no, no. Bruyneel has been a ‘yes’ man for us for years. He’s like shit passing through a Christmas goose. Whatever we asked, he made sure everyone participated. He’s a great facilitor if the price is right.”

RadioShack-Nissan-Trek-Leopard-Mercedes-CSE-JohnBruyneelManagementCo-Livestrong representatives were typically unallowed to comment on the ejection of the team from the 2012 Tour de France.

Team owner Flavio Becca was also unavailable for comment as he was attempting to extort land out of the Luxembourg government for an American-style Waterpark/Shopping Center/Used Car SuperMall in the outskirts of Niederanven.

The ASO does not plan to replace the team’s spot for the tour, despite Team NetApp’s application via wire transfer.

Andy and Frank ignore Johan, looking for Kim

According to anonymous sources, Becca was heard discussing the “complete and total ineptitude of the chunky chin-dimpled charlatan” who promised him a top team finish in the World Tour capped off with a Tour de France victory.

The fashionable Karimova was seen giving pointers to Becca on how to deal with “servants who won’t listen,” advice which, according to those same anonymous sources, gave Becca an ear-to-ear grin. The Uzbekistani first daughter was in Luxembourg pitching her line of clothing, her new album, and also celebrating her recent request to be the official Uzbekistan representative to the United Kingdom. It has been rumored that Becca is collaborating with Itera’s Igor Makarov on several construction projects in the emerging oil nation, and the appearance at the event would confirm there are discussions in the works.

When asked directly about the Bruyneel situation, Becca was forthcoming on details.

“I’m tired of the excuses from the Johan. He has been blaming Kim Andersen for all the troubles to start the season, so I have removed Kim from the Tour de France and told Johan he has to sit in the car and personally oversee the Andy victory I’ve been promised,” commented Becca.

Becca also offered answers to questions on the lacklustre start to the RadioShack-Nissan season, where the team has enjoyed only two victories, whereas at the same time last year under former team manager Brian Nygaard, they had nine to their credit.

“As long as there is victory at the Tour, I will be somewhat serene with the fact there is less wins this year,” adding, “…but that doesn’t stop me from calling Johan at least 15 times a day wanting explanations on why we’ve lost at almost every single race. I have mellowed slightly this year, though. Last year I called Brian at least 17 times a day, and also demanded a report of where he was at the time, what he ate, and a daily update on team expenditures in detail via written report and oral conference call.”

When asked if a loss at the Tour would spell the end of the relationship with Bruyneel, Becca confirmed there were negotiations with other cycling experts.

“Considering Riis‘ situation with SaxoBank at the moment, I have reached out to Bjarne to see if he’d like to join our fold. The poor man is in a similar situation to Johan’s last year. Hopefully I’ll be able to negotiate a better deal with Bjarne as he is someone who has a proven track record to create winners from multiple athletes, rather than just one,” concluded Becca.

Becca is heading to Liège-Bastogne-Liège to directly oversee the team, and to negotiate with UCI president Pat McQuaid on relaxing the WorldTour rules in order to allow Bruyneel the ability to ride in the team cars at the Tour de France, in spite of the fact Bruyneel is not listed anywhere on the team paperwork and current rules thus prohibit his direct participation.