As we all know, Fabian Cancellara started the 111th edition of Paris-Roubaix as overwhelming favourite. That he won the race did not make it a predictable affair – for Spartacus had to do something he’d never done before in his career: win a sprint on the famous Roubaix velodrome.

Offredo follows the signs to the exit: FDJ’s main hope, Yoann Offredo’s race was over before the first five-star cobbled section when the Frenchman collided with a road sign on a traffic island. Riding at the back of the bunch which was just beginning to part, Offredo was looking behind him in a bid to locate his team car when, turning back around, he came face to face with the blue sign with next to no time to avoid a collision. He veered to the right, but clipped the offending object with his left knee before being sent hurtling over his handlebars to land chin-first on the tarmac. Game over for Off-road-o.

Moments later, a similar incident happened when Blanco’s Rick Flens mounted a pavement only to collide with a traffic cone. The cobbles may be the race’s weapon of choice but sometimes the damage is done elsewhere.

Size matters: Most of the guys who played an active role in proceedings out there were big units with a lot of staying power. So spare a thought for the pint-sized Clement Kortesky of Pro Conti outfit Bretagne Seche: not only does the guy not have a Wikipedia page, he also looked like one of the Paris-Roubaix Juniors who had started the wrong race.

Part of an initial break, Kortesky was well and truly dwarfed by fellow escapee Gert Steegmans who, rather ominously, was not even Omega Pharma’s largest rider. That accolade went to man mountain Stijn Vandenbergh, who looked like a complete monster until he was spread-eagled by a spectator on the Carrefour de l’Arbre (more on that later).

Flower bed becomes vegetable patch: Making teams like Euskaltel and Movistar ride Paris-Roubaix is a bit like asking Europcar to do a team time trial. You get the impression that their contractual obligations only require the riders to make it as far as, say, the Arenberg forest before allowing them to hobble off the cobbles and into the safety of the team car.

Spare a thought for one of the Basque boys in orange who was involved in a pile-up as the race passed through a town 60km from the finish. It looked like the Euskaltel rider landed heavily on the low stone wall of a flower bed beside the road – instantly making it a vegetable patch for discarded carrots.

Thomas going for a clean-sweep: You can safely bet that Team Sky won’t be returning to Tenerife for their classics preparations next year after their performance in Roubaix yet again underlined the importance of having a decent Internet connection ahead of key races.

After suffering falls on the Cipressa (Milan-San Remo) and the Kwaremont (Flanders), Geraint Thomas kept up his unfortunate knack of stacking at key moments in each monument this season by coming a-cropper on the Trouee d’Arenberg following a ditch tangle with Yauheni Hutarovich of Belarus. What odds of a Thomas spill on the Cauberg in next Sunday’s Amstel Gold?

Meanwhile, poor Edvald Boasson Hagen – the only marginal gains he’s experienced this season seem to be around his waistline.

(Image by Steephill.tv courtesy Reuters)

Keep your eye’s peeled for Stybar on YouTube: As long as the incriminating iPhone wasn’t run over by a race motorbike then someone has a great close-up video of Zdenek Stybar’s crash in the Carrefour de l’Arbre. More precisely, the plonker who leant out and knocked the Czech cyclo-cross star in the face with his phone, forcing him to veer across the road and take drastic evasive action.

Talk about gutter journalism – especially given what happened just seconds earlier to Stybar’s towering team-mate Vandenbergh. In fact, you’d think someone has a great snap of Vandenbergh grimacing as his rump hits the cobbles while his arms and legs are splayed like the world’s biggest spider. If you watch the Carrefour cobbled section again you’ll see Sep Vanmarcke also coming close to being floored by a lady spectator. You have to remember that the riders chose the gutter line in the first place. If you sleep close to a fire, you’ll probably get singed.

Bernaudeau’s a manager not a mechanic: It was an agonising sight watching last year’s runner-up Sebastien Turgot wait for an eternity while first his own team manager, Jean-Rene Bernaudeau, grappled unsuccessfully with his back wheel and then the rider himself was forced to take over after the Frenchman punctured 41km from the finish. The hold-up meant the alluringly ungainly Damien Gaudin became Europcar’s principal hope – and the young Frenchman didn’t disappoint.

Built with swimmers’ shoulders, Gaudin is a complete oddity on wheels. Hunched over his cyclo-cross handlebars and with a head swaying like a metronome, Gaudin was “pedalling like a bag of spanners” according to Eurosport’s David Harmon. Compare his jagged style to another big guy like Vandenbergh and it defies everything you read in the training manuals. You could balance a glass of water on Vandenbergh’s flat back even over the most treacherous of cobbled sections – with Gaudin, you wouldn’t have enough glasses even if you were hosting the UCI’s annual Christmas party. Gaudin is a cycling monstrosity – but a curiously captivating one.

Omega Pharma deserve a pat on the back – just not by fans during crucial moments during the race: With Tom Boonen KO’ed by his Ronde crash, the Belgian team had to change their tactics. Steegmans rode excellently in two leading groups before handing the reins over to Vandenbergh, Stybar, Nicki Terpstra, and Sylvain Chavanel.

While Cancellara was completely devoid of RadioShack team-mates as the race entered the business end, Omega still had an abundance of talent – and Stybar, riding his first ever Roubaix, would have been a shoo-in had he not lapsed on the Carrefour and rode too close to the fans. It was scant consolation that Terpstra took third place to secure Omega’s first podium place in a monument this season.

Fabs talket to team car (image courtesy Cosmo Catalano’s HTRWW)

Cancellara’s poker skills are exemplary: Before the race, Taylor Phinney said, “Cycling is a very unpredictable sport although Fabian tries to make it relatively predictable by riding off the front.” But on Sunday Spartacus proved he was no one-trick pony by winning a very different way – and doing so after many had written him off.

Having been left isolated and seemingly on the ropes, Spartacus dropped back to his team car with 35km remaining, prompting Eurosport’s Harmon to say his race was over. And yet he fought back, using all his experience, strength, and determination to do so. When alone with Vanmarcke he did try to ride off with 4km remaining, but was reeled in. So he had to do it the hard way and beat the Belgian in a track-style sprint.

The stats don’t lie, and Spartacus’ last nine finishes in San Remo/Flanders/Roubaix are as follows: 1st, 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 2nd, 2nd, 3rd, 1st, 1st.

Sep Vanmarcke sheds a muddy tear after finishing second behind Fabian Cancellara. (Cor Vos image courtesy CyclingTips)

Van marked by the occasion: A great picture shows the 24-year-old Belgian with his head in his hands and a dusty tear rolling down one cheek. He may never get such an occasion to win Roubaix – and had anyone told him before the race he’d finish second to Cancellara he’d probably have accepted that. But he admitted that he would lose sleep for many nights replaying over in his head that final sprint.

Even before the race reached the velodrome, Cancellara’s experience was coming into play. On numerous occasions the Swiss flicked his elbow. Vanmarcke resisted but then eventually came through to take the pace-setting at a time when there was no chance they would be caught by the pursuers. It’s almost like watching a scene in James Bond where the baddies insist on giving Bond a lifeline by taking the time to explain their devilish deeds before pulling the trigger.

It takes a rider of Simon Gerrans-style canniness to resist Cancellara’s clout and race dirty. In the sprint, Vanmarcke showed one moment of indecision and suddenly conceded his stronger place high up on the banking and in the wheels of his rival, who admitted after the race that he “went over my limits like never before to cross the line first today.”

Pinch yourself as decency returns to the podium: There was little chance that this monument’s runner-up would have followed in the footsteps of Peter Sagan and tried to steal the limelight from Cancellara by harassing a podium girl. After riding over so many cobbles, the physical act of pinching even the most pert of bottoms would probably be nigh-on impossible.

Still, the Roubaix officials made sure by having their ceremonial hostess clad in jeans and a jacket – although they couldn’t resist in giving her a Barbie-style tiara. As Cancellara gingerly raised the heavy-looking cobbled trophy aloft on the podium, it looked as if the podium girl didn’t have to worry so much about having her derriere pinched as having her skull crushed by a falling stone.

The Hell of the (Italian) North came a few weeks early in Sunday’s snow-spattered Milan-San Remo, which reduced a peloton of grown men to frozen tears and congealed grimaces of the kind even Michele Acquarone could never elicit.

“It’s snowing so much this could be biathlon,” tweeted Argos-Shimano’s Koen de Kort during the enforced 50km bus transfer time-out. “If so, can I be shot first?” he added, deploringly.

Funny Koen should mention biathlon – for it was the ski-and-shoot winter sport that was running on Eurosport before the Milan-San Remo feed was fired up. When the coverage did start, confused spectators would have been forgiven in thinking Eurosport had picked up the rights for a new type of cross-genre sport: snow cycling with pensioners.

Hell of the Liguria (photo from RCS Sport)

For the riders rolling into a blizzard-consumed Ovada (117km from the start of “La Classicissima”) it looked as if they were knocking on heaven’s door.

Robbie “Jowls” Hunter (from David Millar’s Twitter stream)

David Millar posted a string of images from the Garmin-Sharp team bus showing his team-mates sporting white snow beards on their puffy faces; Robbie Hunter had about four chins and looked as if he were old enough to be Chris Horner’s son; Millar’s sun-glasses (ski goggles?) were covered in a layer of frosty slush, while everyone’s helmets were encrusted with a thick layer of ice.

There were reports of many riders breaking down in tears while at least two riders reportedly had icicles hanging off their earlobes.

“Riders were shaking so badly they had fallen off their bikes,” said GreenEDGE DS Neil Stephens. Indeed, the very same thing happened to the Australian team’s 2011 champion, Matt Goss, who took a tumble with a cluster of other riders ten minutes before the break. Viewers on Eurosport probably thought they were watching the ski jumping.

For Tom Boonen, it was all simply too much. Having last year fine-tuned a propensity for falling off his bike into a masterclass of one-day domination, Boonen was understandably adverse to jeopardising his forthcoming Belgian Classics campaign by persisting in trying to break his duck in a race that was fast becoming a chilling circus of intolerably brutality.

Boonen opted for this ride to finish his MSR (Bettini image courtesy Cyclingnews)

“I think my decision says enough,” an irate Boonen told Sporza in a case of towel-in and toys-out. Although clearly Tommeke didn’t think his decision had said quite enough, for the donkey-owning ace went on to explain: “This is partly a precaution but also a statement to the organisation. They knew long enough that there was so much snow on the road. What happens now is the fault of the organisation. Have you ever wanted to bicycle through the snow? There are nicer things than this. I’m completely frozen.”

There are indeed nicer things than a freezing ride through the snow. A warm bus transfer, hot shower, change of clothes, bowl of pasta, cup of tea, and free WiFi, for starters.

But imagine getting all those things – and then having to go out and brave the elements yet again. For another undulating 125 kilometres. Along the coast as waves are crashing against the shore. In temperatures close to zero. And while it’s raining more than your average day in London.

“I don’t know whether the first or the second part was the worst,” said Edvald Boasson Hagen. “Both were very cold. The first part was more comical, the second part was only hell.”

Clearly accustomed to the volcanic heat of Mount Teide, Boasson Hagen was one of 67 riders who could not complete the race. The list included three of the initial six-man breakaway whose 7’10” advantage from the opening alpine segment of the race was carried over after the restart.

Lars Bak and his inflatable goves

One of the riders from the break who did stick it out was Lars Bak. Of all the escapees, the big Dane looked in the most discomfort – in particular with his hands. On numerous occasions, the Lotto Belisol giant was seen blowing into his gloves as well as squeezing out the water.

Matteo Montaguti, one of the fugitives who called it a day once caught 30km from the finish, looked utterly miserable throughout the whole afternoon – as if he were merely riding as some kind of Homeland-style interrogational punishment. (Perhaps Abu Nazzir and Agent Brody had commandeered the Ag2R-La Mondiale team car – giving all their riders good reason for wearing brown shorts.)

Vincenzo Nibali, who in better conditions would have targeted making some headway on La Manie, if not the opening Passo del Turchino, suffered all day with the cold. Over each of the ‘tre capi’ climbs Nibali was barely hanging onto the back of the peloton. He changed his gloves numerous times and once – on the Capo Soprano – even appeared to stop beside the road for a total clothes change.

Poor Nibali. The Shark is used to a warm jet-stream. Nothing had prepared him for this. It was as if he’d been swimming around the Mediterranean in the hight of summer, fallen asleep, got caught in a current, and awoken in the Arctic Ocean surrounded by penguins in black and white capes. With the outcome looking more and more like it would be decided by a sprint, and the Sicilian’s hands getting colder and colder by the pedal stroke, Nibali jumped into the team car on the backside of the Cipressa.

“This was just a black day in every sense of the word,” the Astana star said. “There was a moment when I thought maybe I had chosen the wrong sport,” he added, perhaps thinking about biathlon.

The irony of the whole disjointed day was that – despite the snow, the tears, the enforced break and shortened parcours – it was still shaping up to be a two-way battle between the two pre-race favourites of Peter Sagan and Fabian Cancellara.

Sure, Sylvain Chavanel (who we all thought had withdrawn) and Ian Stannard provided some much-needed sparks of uncertainty, while a late surge from Taylor Phinney (who we all thought had withdrawn) was the requisite stimulus for one final curveball.

But in the end, Sagan had the simple task of winning a six-way sprint and he did so with consummate ease. Except he would have done had he not ballsed it up.

The Slovak sensation was paying too much attention to Cancellara and having led out the final sprint early, he seemed to take his foot off the accelerator inside the closing metres to allow Gerald Ciolek to nip through for an unexpected win.

The “under-evaluated” Ciolek spoils Sagan’s sprint success (image courtesy Team MTN-Qhubeka)

Sagan, who hasn’t had much of an opportunity to brush up his celebrations for second place in recent months, was left flummoxed by the result. He actually looked across at Ciolek with a mixture of disbelief and disgust. Later, he told reporters that he had “thrown away Milan-San Remo”, that he had “under-evaluated” his opponent and had “left it on a plate for Ciolek.”

As for Ciolek, this win could signal a turning point for a rider whose career has somewhat stalled, despite once being rated higher than Mark Cavendish and Andre Greipel at T-Mobile.

Ciolek rides for new outfit MTN-Qhubeka, Africa’s first Pro Continental cycling team, which made the former Milram and Quick Step speedster as their marquee signing in the summer. The wildcard South African team (whose wondrously named press officer Xylon van Eyck) has a knack of sending out unfathomably upbeat daily press releases, now have their big break in the most dramatic of circumstances.

As Qhubeka team director Douglas Ryder says, it doesn’t get much bigger than beating Sagan and Cancellara in the first of cycling’s five monumental one-day races. That the peloton’s only African team should prevail in the snow is rather poetic, too. Heck, one would imagine that the victory will push Oscar Pistorius off the front page of the South African papers for a day or two as well.

French Models are upset by excessively thin cyclists ruining their reputation (image courtesy cosmopolitan.co.uk)

“In their quest to be as lean as possible, professional cyclists have encroached upon the working territory of our modeling constituents. Being excessively skinny and gaunt is their professional domain, and the efforts by these bike riders have jeopardised the reputation of models worldwide,” stated a representative of the legal firm representing FMU.

It seems FMU is taking exception to the current crop of super-thin cyclists sporting a look that fashion models have cultivated over the past 70 years. The fashion industry has been notorious for its drug use, eating disorders, lack of hygiene, and use of any means necessary to stay thin without actually exercising.

“This has been our modus operandi for decades. Now, the professional cycling peloton is taking our carefully cultivated approach and copying our methodology, but with one additional, damaging aspect. They go out and ride 230 kilometres on a bicycle as fast as they can. This is a complete affront to our je ne sais quois,” stated the lawyer representing FMU.

The group cited examples of Vacansoleil’s Lieuwe Westra, OmegaPharma-Quickstep’s Michael Kwiatowski, and the entire Team Sky entourage.

“We can appreciate a model’s desire to be rail-thin, because that’s when the clothes look their best. A mannequin should be the hanger that showcases the ensemble and nothing more. This is de rigeur in the fashion industry, but this is not what cyclists should look like. The last time we saw gauntness and lycra together, it was the disastrous runway collection by Stephen Sprouse that riffed on cycling gear.
 

The notorious Stephen Sprouse collection that is best forgotten

The lawsuit is asking French courts to set minimum-weight-to-height ratio limits on the professional peloton in order to ensure that CPA members not infringe on the reputation of the fashion industry. It is also asking all riders participating in the Tour de France to maintain at least 5% body fat.

Karl Lagerfeld, one of the more prominent supporters of the lawsuit noted, “We have to look out for the reputation of our industry, and preserve the valuable identity we have established. We can’t have people expecting our models to do more than walk down a runway. If professional cyclists are permitted to be excessively thin and also athletic, the general public will begin to expect more from us,” stated the disturbingly-thin Chanel designer from a chaise longue in his Paris atelier.

An unnamed source inside the Team Sky camp was incensed by the move.

“This is absolutely ridiculous. We are free to be as thin as we want. So what if all our riders look like an army of praying mantises when they head to the front of the race and slam the rest of the peloton to pieces while being just skin and bones.  We are allowed to suffer from anorexia, bulimia, and excessive drug use just like the birds in the fashion model industry,” commented the anonymous Team Sky representative.

Cycling pundits around the globe welcomed the lawsuit.

“Frankly I think this whole skinny movement is utterly preposterous. It makes it difficult to photograph the podium ceremony when they turn sideways to wave. They disappear into the background completely. This whole thin thing should be left to marathoners only. And fashion models. We need to bring back the beefcake era. Please. I just am tired of photographing these waifs. If I wanted that, I would have been in Milano for fashion week,” commented one cycling photographer who may or may not have been from Bettini Photography.

The FMU representative concurred. “These specimens on bikes should not try to copy the ‘heroin chicness’ of our clients, but rather should exude strength and power, like Fabian Cancellara, Cadel Evans, Mark Cavendish, or even Pippo Pozzato. These are all strong and virile men with striking chests and thick muscular thighs, especially Pozzato,” murmured the FMU representative dreamily.

CPA representative Gianni Bugno wasn’t available for comment. However, AIGCP-president-under-duress Jonathan Vaughters was happy to supply a soundbite.

“My team has a distinct ‘no insect look’ clause in all our contracts,” stated Vaughters.

The CPA has ten days to file a defense, or faces possible injunctions against the professional peloton as requested by the FMU.

Wiggins has certainly enjoyed his red carpet ride around France, courtesy of Froome and the rest of Sky’s serfs (photo courtesy of ITV)

“I’ve always been someone who wishes to move on to new challenges. Now that I’ve conquered my first Tour de France it’s time to attempt a feat that has only been accomplished three times in the history of the Tour. I want to wear yellow from the prologue all the way to the Champs-Elysées next year,” declared Wiggins.

As an avid student of cycling history, Wiggins stumbled upon the legend of Ottavio Bottecchia – the first person to wear the yellow jersey from start to finish as winner of the 1924 Tour – via a conversation with famed Scottish cycling journalist, Richard Moore. Moore was turned on to the story of Bottecchia by Herbie Sykes over an espresso in 2006 during a very animated Giro d’Italia.

“I know that I’ve promised Chris (Froome) that he could have a shot at the Tour in 2013 and that I’d support him, but I think my goals are more important than his. After all, I’m higher on the seniority scale in GB Cycling and I don’t feel I’ve reached my peak yet,” continued Wiggins. “I think I have a chance at equalling a feat only done three times in Tour history, and one that hasn’t been accomplished since 1935.”

Team Sky boss David Brailsford confirmed his support for Wiggins in his plan for 2013.

“Considering that Brad and Fabian were the only two to wear the yellow jersey in the entire 2012 Tour, and the fact that we pretty much intimidated every single team in this race, it is distinctly possible that Brad could wear yellow from start to finish in 2013. No one can match our team strength on any stage on any day,” mused Brailsford.

Eurosport cycling pundit David Harmon concurred with Brailsford.

“Until the rest of the peloton grows a backbone, or Contador stays out of doping troubles, cycling is Wiggins’ domain to plunder as he wishes. He rides on the front for the sprints, and otherwise sits third wheel the entire race. He is a throwback to the great Kings and Queens of England. He truly is the king of cycling, no offense to Mark Cavendish or Sir Chris Hoy,” declared Harmon.

Former Tour de France champion Greg LeMond weighed in with his thoughts.

“Wiggins could lead the race, but only if Team Sky buys Alberto Contador’s and Andy Schleck’s contracts to sit them out of the Tour de France for the rest of their careers, or have them ride the front in support of Wiggins like they forced Froome to do this year. It’s what Hinault did, and also wanted to do to me back in the 80s,” stated LeMond.

When asked about Wiggins’ statement, Chris Froome refused to comment directly.

“We’ll start with the Vuelta and the Olympics, and see what happens from there. Anything is possible for 2013,” said a muted Froome.

Stage 19 is Saturday, which should be the 53.5 km time trial coronation of Wiggins into his role as King of the Tour de France.

Swiss fans and RadioShack-Nissan team supporters distraught at the apparent end of Fabian Cancellara’s Classics season for 2012 have been given a glimmer of hope after scientists and medical doctors have suggested that they might be able to salvage his ambition of winning Paris-Roubaix.

The double winner of the race came down heavily in the feed zone of Sunday’s Ronde van Vlaanderen Classic, fracturing his right collarbone in four places and putting an immediate end to his race.

The team announced afterwards that he would travel back to Switzerland to undergo an operation in Basel.

Details were initially scarce about the operation that was carried out Sunday evening, but it was presumed that it would be the standard procedure to pin the breaks, helping the bone to sit in the correct position as the fragments knit back together.

A standard fracture normally takes several weeks to heal, although Italian rider Filippo Pozzato was able to push that to the extreme when he returned to racing just nine days after falling in the Tour of Qatar. His injury was, however, not as severe as that experienced by Cancellara on Sunday, thus leading to a widespread resignation that the Roubaix dream was over until 2013.

Fortunately, that may not necessarily be the case. An overheard conversation between RadioShack-Nissan personnel after the race suggested that something unusual was to take place. While they refused to comment, several phone calls to Switzerland saw this writer receive confirmation Sunday evening of a revolutionary procedure which was used for the first time in professional cycling.

Essentially, Cancellara’s shattered collarbone has been removed and replaced with a match taken from a cadaver.

While it is difficult to ensure the clavicles are completely identical, Swiss scientists – who spoke on condition of anonymity – said that they had fused carbon fibre mouldings to the replacement bone, thus mirroring the original shape.

Cancellara's carbon fibre-fused implant

“This ensures a perfect fit, meaning there will be minimal disruption,” explained one of the scientists. “We can rebuild him. We have the biotechnology. Cancellara’s own ligaments have been used to hold the structure in place, and will result in a very quick recovery.”

Dr. Steven Austin, the surgeon who oversaw the procedure, said that the recovery time was expected to only be ‘three to four days,’ much faster than would be normally expected for an injury of that nature.

Pressed as to the cost of the procedure, he was tightlipped, but said that the team and its sponsors had told him they considered it absolutely imperative that the rider be present for Paris-Roubaix.

A separate medical expert who is familiar with the revolutionary procedure said that the cost could be as high as 5.4 million Swiss Francs.*

It’s a staggeringly large amount but, with the sales of Trek’s recently-launched Domane frame depending on a Cancellara victory, those sponsors are understood to be willing to cover all costs.

* Approximately $6,000, 000 US dollars

A downtrodden Bruyneel poses in London, making the best of circumstances (photo courtesy of Photonews)

“Due to the financial situation with our main title sponsor, RadioShack, we’ve had to dedicate our nine classics riders to a shortened program. We’re hoping that these austerity cuts will not have to deepen, but since the electronics company footing our bill has fallen on hard times, there are no guarantees,” commented team management consultant Johan Bruyneel.

This announcement came on the heels of RadioShack’s disastrous 4th quarter performance, where the American retailer’s net income per share was down to 12 cents from 48 cents the quarter year prior. However, part-time executive vice president of marketing/full-time Trainright customer/silly cycling cheerleader Lee Applbaum was slightly more optimistic on the performance.

“Hey, look, it’s better than no cents. The opportunity for us to have no cents is great based upon the world situation and most of our corporate culture. I mean, the entire country of Greece is either buried under an avalance of olives or is on fire. So I’ll take some cents over no cents, even though most of what I say is of the latter,” commented Applbaum.

When asked to comment on the tightening purse strings at the cycling team’s headquarters, Applbaum was candid, “Hey look, none of Johan’s teams did any racing outside of the Tour de France, and Chris Carmichael says that nothing else matters except the Tour, so I don’t think it’s any loss. I just view it akin to closing a bunch of retail operations and putting those tiny little kiosks in Targets all over the country.”

Bruyneel concurred, “Our best investment right now is the Schlecks at the Tour, and in keeping Cancellara fresh for the Tour. We still haven’t made a decision on Roubaix, but most likely we’ll be there with our nine guys. Otherwise, I might piss off Fabian enough for him to make me drink what I’ve been giving him for the past month.”

There was no official reaction from the UCI on the matter, however, sources were quoted as saying that considering that neither race was on the Elite men’s calendar, the organization “didn’t give two shites about what race they do as long as they’re on the start line at Paris-Nice.”

However, most of the other WorldTour teams were quite happy to see the “fashion train wreck take the weekend off,” including SaxoBank’s Bjarne Riis.

“A day that I don’t have to see that smiling jackass at a race is a good f***ing day,” stated Riis.

The remainder of RadioShack’s schedule outside of WorldTour events remains up in air. Neither Applbaum nor Bruyneel would confirm participation in any races outside of the WorldTour calendar. Applebaum hopes to have the funding worked out prior to Paris-Nice.

Cavendish wears the strips. With black shorts.

Inspired by the events that began in New York City on September 17th under the auspices of Adbusters, both gentlemen decided that “enough was enough,” and they’d “had their fill of UCI “over-regulation.” Cavendish, in fact, withdrew from the Giro di Lombardia in order to organize the Swiss demonstration.

“I’ve had enough of their bullshite, and the fact that I have to wear f***ing white shorts with my world champion jersey was the absolute last straw,” stormed Cavendish, “Pretty soon they’ll be telling me when I can have relations with my dynamite girlfriend, Peta.”

When told that this was technically already the case, especially if he were to be caught “mid-shag” by an out-of-competition biological passport control officer knocking on his door, Cavendish shrugged his shoulders and smiled.

“I haven’t had one of those since they started that bullshite program. I don’t think anyone actually ever has [had a biological passport programme control]. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I had to do a piss test,” stated Cavendish.

Cancellara was a little more reserved in his judgements, “I’m just disappoint that the UCI guys has forgottent my favorit status in 2011. I’m insult that even tho I was for shure great and sucsesfull at true racing, they’ve choosen to castet aside of my person for pockfaced Gilbert. It hurts my insideness.”

“Irksome” bloggers the world over, numbering in the tens of thousands, joined in the march from Vevey to Aigle. Standing in their support were some of cycling’s most vocal critics of the UCI, including Jonathan Vaughters, Eurosport’s David Harmon, USADA head Travis Tygart, Dr. Michael Ashenden, Franco Pellizotti, and the formerly-disgraced-and-now-vindicated Floyd Landis, who carried a burning effigy of Pat McQuaid. Curiously, when Riccardo Ricco pulled up in his sometimes partner’s Skoda, the entire movement barred his attempts to join the crowd.

UCI president Pat McQuaid and former president Henricus Verbruggen stood defiantly at the doors of world cycling’s headquarters, while the vast majority of UCI employees called in a “vacation day” and milled around outside, not quite sure what to do with themselves. Several were seen to be passing out file folders stamped “Confidential” to anyone who appeared even slightly interested. By the early evening, an informal twitter village had been set up to live-blog the event, with both Verbruggen and McQuaid still not fully grasping the impact of the social media platform.

Asked when the movement will end, Cavendish was cryptic, “This movement will end when the corrupt rulers of Aigle step aside for a Brit to rule this organization what’s been revived by the surge in cycling’s popularity throughout the United Kingdom. Or when I can wear my black shorts.”

This is my throne. This is my Sport. Live from Copenhagen.

The victory against this war has been clouded this week by the fact that my brother “helped” Richmond with their winning bid for the 2015 World Championships after the attrition of Quebec City last year. Ignore the fact that Muscat dropped at the eleventh hour during an in-person meeting where we offered the moon in order to secure the winning Richmond bid. That means nothing. It’s only insolent bloggers who are over-hyping the fact that Darach played a very insignificant, and therefore, minor role in securing the bid. There was a host of individuals who were intimately involved in making Richmond happen. In fact, I might be persuaded to consider that Darach was a freeloader. Well, he’s been a freeloader since birth, but that’s for another conversation at another time. I love the little fooker.

Happy Richmonders

Ignore that insignificant tripe. It’s unimportant. Winning the war against doping is all that matters, for at least the next 7 days or so, or until I change my mind. Yet again.

Our efforts have made the dopers run scared. We’ve broken the ringleaders of the effort to corrupt our sport. We have rid them from the ranks of the professional peloton, we have rid them from levels of team management, we have extracted them from the support folks that act as drug mules, and we have caused the arrest of the ring of doctors who supply these parasites with their products.

Yes, it is all the work of Alexander Kolobnev.

You see, Kolobnev is the only positive test this year in the professional peloton. With well over 500 target tests that were done this year, only one rider was found to have broken the rules. Therefore, based on our logic here in Aigle, he is the ringleader of doping efforts for the entire professional peloton for 2011. We are almost certain that he acted alone. Furthermore, the fact that two former riders were found with doping paraphenelia prior to the Tour is of no consequence to cycling. There was zero proof that those products were destined for use by any cyclists of any kind. This has been borne out by the fact that everyone has dropped their inquiries into the status of the “arrests” of both “drug mules.”

With that said, our rationale of the situation calls for only one conclusion. It has to revolve around the one dirty scoundrel that we outed this year. Never mind the fact that the test was one that the AFLD completed for the Tour, and that Kolobnev hadn’t had a Passport Programme test done in the 11 months prior. He’s the one bad apple in the pie that we forked out prior to him tainting the remainder of the pie. I love apple pie. It’s rather tasty. Especially after one wicked hangover.

Our biological passport programme has rendered the numerous individuals involved in the variety of doping rings that have been operating since the late ’80s to reconsider and recant their decades of profits and tainted performances. That single decision by us in Aigle is strategically the most brilliant tool ever created by any sporting organization.  What other rational explanation can be offered up as the poster child for success? This has to be a glowing example that we are bit-by-bit winning the war against doping in cycling.

As Francesca Rossi was allowed to point out at the World Championships on Saturday during her brief appearance in public, we are doing what we now refer to as “Intelligent Testing” in conjunction with our biological passport programme. What does IT stand for? Well I think that the concept is certainly above analysis by the simple folks involved in our sport, so instead, I believe I will just state, in point form, what Intelligent Testing (or IT for short) is NOT, as implied by all the useless bloggers and conspiracy oriented media types:

• IT is NOT a campaign to help the WorldTour teams understand where their riders should be in order to partake in threshold maintenance for systematic doping protocols.
•  IT is NOT a tool to arbitrarily punish those riders who may question our authority, or fall outside our wishes.
• IT is NOT a tool that allows us to extract cooperation of those that can help further our clandestine UCI objective
• IT is NOT a tool that prevents Team Managers from speaking out against what they call ludicrous decisions, like our Tour of Beijing (sorry, Danielson is positive *wink, wink. nudge, nudge*)
• IT is NOT a tool to help us promote certain riders to become our global spokespeople after a miraculous string of wins after years of almost brilliance.

Those are just a few of the many things that this programme is not.

Many high-profile “Oliver Stone” types (yes you, Gerard Vroomen), have cited the fact that we have dropped the amount of BPP (Biological Passport Programme for you dimwits) tests and have questioned why we have done this. You see, with our Index of Suspicion, one of the tools in the Intelligent Testing Umbrella Programme, we have been able to perform more target testing for those that we feel are the more dodgy part of the peloton, which in turn reduces our costs and increases our profit margin. The spectre of being tested has proven to be more than enough of a deterrent to those shifty-eyed dogs of the professional peloton to reconsider their pattern of behaviour.

Welcome aboard, my new friend. Officially.

This leaves us with more money to develop programmes like the certified clothing programme that we are developing after the rousing success of our bicycle certification programme, which will have a new name shortly – “Frame Safe by the UCI.” However, I’m digressing. Let’s just finish this doping success – er anti-doping success –  by saying that we’re winning. Winning. Winning. Winning.

My week in Copenhagen was one of pure joy. It was about igniting a formerly stale cycling nation into an army of Cav Clones, jumping on their bicycles with their aero helmets and one piece skinsuits to decimate the field of a road race with a team time trial. Bradley Wiggins did a better version of Fabian Cancellara. Speaking of Cancellara, how do you like being on a Bruyneel team now, eh? Be prepared for a year of heartache, Fabian, you’ll be the loser in many more photo finishes. *chuckle*

We also were able to begin our work on the athletes commission, which is an exciting proposition, creating a new format to keep the professional peloton in check while giving them the idea that they are “involved.” I was able to express my feelings on the fact that women’s cycling isn’t developed enough at all, and don’t look at me as being the reason for it as I’m just the president of the governing body that may or may not take care of that. You see, we have many other initiatives on the go, and really, women just aren’t a priority right now. However, I did thoroughly enjoy the armada of podium gals in bright red and blonde tones. It was pure joy.

Bruyneel affects the result of Fabianese. *chuckle*

Lastly, Copenhagen saw me begin a new spirit of cooperation with the latest and greatest member of the UCI management committee, Igor Makarov. I welcome him with open arms, and a Teflon vest underneath my shirt from Harrods. Thankfully our detente has led to Tchmil publicly saying, as he did to Alberto Celani last week, that he’s NOT running for the UCI presidency, and that he’s Katusha president. Let’s just say that those profits from the reduction in BPP testing are also being reallocated to another programme related to G6 safety. Just in case.

A joint special Task Force formed by ASO & UCI officials undertook a massive overnight operation to find and rectify the cause of the problem that resulted in so many big-name riders being involved in unscheduled tarmac interface events during Wednesday’s Stage 5 of the Tour de France.

A source close to the operation, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that an extensive search had been conducted to locate the problem and that the task force had located and isolated the cause shortly before breakfast time this morning.

“We realised that the only explanation for so many unscheduled tarmac interface events was if gravity was somehow being interfered with” said our source, “…obviously, it would take something incredibly powerful to disrupt gravity in such a manner and for a few hours there, we were at a complete loss to explain it.”

The operation originally centred around the possibility that an outside agent was interfering with the riders and at one point a number of Task Force operatives supported the theory that Ricardo Ricco was behind the crashes. However, extensive review of video footage ultimately discredited this idea leaving investigators no closer to finding the cause.

It was shortly after 6am this morning that the Task Force operatives finally got the break they needed, when a French scientist attached to the investigation picked up intense local fluctuations in the gravity field which were eventually traced to a small hotel near Dinan, the Grand Depart of today’s stage.

Using highly sensitive and expensive UCI-accredited equipment, the Task Force Operatives closed in on the source of the disruption and were shocked to discover it was emanating from the LeOpard-Trek restaurant on wheels, parked in the grounds of the Hotel.

“It was a complete surprise,” said our source, “not once had we considered that a team would be responsible for the disturbance. We entered the trailer to find them all sitting down to breakfast surrounded by life-sized hero shots of each rider watching over them from the walls.” Pausing for a moment to compose himself before continuing, he said “It was the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen.”

Task Force operatives quietly took Kim Andersen, Leopard-Trek DS, aside to explain the situation to him and were shocked by his response. Said our source, “He explained to us that Leopard-Trek had been experimenting with various techniques to give the Schlecks a mental advantage over the rest of the peloton but that none of the regular methods had worked. In the end, faced with repeated failures and a pair of despondent Schlecks, Andersen felt they had no option but to turn to experimental science.”

The 2011 edition of the Tour de France has seen a number of teams embracing ‘controversial’ science to give their riders any advantage they can. AG2R la Mondiale, for example, are experimenting with cryotherapy, placing each rider in a super-chilled chamber for 3 minutes to purge waste material from the muscles and naturally stimulate the production of testosterone. Andersen, it seems, was willing to experiment even further.

“It turns out that Leopard-Trek have invested heavily in an experimental Reality Distortion Field Generator, the goal of which is to isolate the Schlecks from the crushing reality that neither of them are going to win the Tour de France without a disqualification / promotion scenario.”

According to information from Task Force scientists, the amount of Reality Distortion required to convince the Schlecks they had a chance of overall victory was so immense and required so much power that it was “almost inevitable” that we would experience and see gravitational disturbances such as we did yesterday.

Thankfully, Kim Andersen was willing to negotiate with the Task Force to ensure the safety of the peloton. Our source didn’t want to go into specifics about the nature of the negotiations but did confirm that a ‘pretty pony’ was to be provided for Andy Schleck; Fabian Cancellara will receive a handlebar mounted mirror to allow him to check his hair while racing; and Jens Voigt, who frequently complains about the quality of hotel beds, has been given a roll-out bed of nails to prevent him having to endure too-soft mattresses in the future.

Shortly before the start of today’s stage from Dinan to Lisieux, a Task Force spokesperson released this brief statement: “After extensive investigation and research the joint ASO / UCI Task Force has isolated the cause of yesterday’s unscheduled tarmac interface events. As a result of this we are fully satisfied that the situation has been dealt with and that any further crashes will be solely the fault of the rider involved.”

Kim Andersen was unavailable for comment as we went to press.