Hein Verbruggen and Pat McQuaid are attempting to evade questioning in relation to the Paul Kimmage criminal complaint.

Swiss authorities have been temporarily thwarted in their attempts to question former UCI president Verbruggen and current UCI president McQuaid in reference to the criminal complaint filed in Switzerland by Paul Kimmage on behalf of a litany of those who have suffered at the hands of both individuals. The investigators in charge of the case made numerous polite telephone calls to the homes of Hein Verbruggen and Pat McQuaid, all of which went unanswered. According to official reports, investigators in marked police vehicles made their way to both homes to find them empty.

“We made several attempts to contact both men in order for them to come in, have a nice cup of tea, and tell us their side of the story as best they could. Unfortunately, this tactic failed,” recounted Alfredo Verbieesen, inspector with the Canton de Vaud police force.

Acting on an anonymous tip, the investigators made their way to UCI headquarters in Aigle where they were met with a barricade of office furniture blocking the front door. Outside waiting for the authorities was UCI legal counsel Philippe Verbiest, who refused to allow entry to the police without an arrest warrant.

“We were rather shocked to see this sort of activity in Switzerland. We expect this kind of behavior in the United States, but to see a barricade in Aigle was very unnerving to say the least, and not something we usually see. At that point, we felt it was important to call in the Federal Office of Police to help us de-escalate the situation,” continued Verbieesen.

After a three-hour stand-off which lasted until early Friday morning, a vintage white Ford Bronco was seen leaving the parking lot with UCI spokesperson Enrico Carpani in the driver’s seat.  After Carpani’s departure, the federal police stormed the building to find a bonfire of records on the second floor of the building, and empty safes in several offices. Verbiest admitted the Bronco contained Verbruggen and McQuaid.

After several attempts to contact McQuaid and Verbruggen via their mobile phones – which went unanswered in typical fashion for both – authorities were able to establish contact with Carpani, who informed the hostage negotiator that he was, in fact, being held hostage until he drove the pair to a waiting sailboat in Bayonne, located on the French coast.

The Swiss federal police have asked for French help in the current hostage situation. French police are monitoring the progress of the white Ford Bronco both on the ground and via helicopter. The authorities will only state the vehicle has passed through the vicinity of Ussel, but refuse to confirm any other details.

“We will allow the vehicle passage through the French roadway system, and have prepared the citizens of Bayonne for a potentially unsafe situation. We have not, as of the current time, located the sailboat Carpani referred to in his numerous phone conversations with the Swiss police. We will do our best to manage the situation safely for all parties,” stated Jean-Luc Pelletier, representing Police Nationale.

Cycling pundits around the world reacted in shock and horror, while some began speculation on where Verbruggen and McQuaid were heading.

“It’s pretty obvious to me they plan on sailing to the Cayman Islands to escape full scrutiny. I wouldn’t be surprised to see one of Makarov’s super yachts showing up in Bayonne to rescue the pair from their European troubles,” commented someone who resembled Rupert Guinness.

French and Swiss authorities will be updated the situation hourly as the white Ford Bronco makes its way to Bayonne.

McQuaid dons the clown face paint to taunt Landis after Swiss Courts side with the UCI. (photo manipulation courtesy of @kiss_my_panache)

The UCI filed suit against Floyd Landis in April of 2011, but as noted by Hein Verbruggen they had trouble locating Landis. This was partly due to the stealth technology employed by Landis courtesy of CERN, and also due to the fact the UCI doesn’t acknowledge bloggers nor bloggers’ domiciles, as Landis has been frequenting the semi-secret location of the blogging website nyvelocity.com

The approved list, as revealed by the UCI merely hours ago, included the following as noted by the decision from the Vaud court:

II. forbids Floyd Landis to state that the Union Cycliste Internationale, Patrick (Pat) McQuaid and/or Henricus (Hein) Verbruggen have concealed cases of doping, received money for doing so, have accepted money from Lance Armstrong to conceal a doping case, have protected certain racing cyclists, concealed cases of doping, have engaged in manipulation, particularly of tests and races, have hesitated and delayed publishing the results of a positive test on Alberto Contador, have accepted bribes, are corrupt, are terrorists, have no regard for the rules, load the dice, are fools, do not have a genuine desire to restore discipline to cycling, are full of shit, are clowns, their words are worthless, are liars, are no different to Colonel Muammar Gaddafi, or to make any similar other allegations of that kind

However, as noted by the second press release from the UCI, the judge did not approve the following phrases for inclusion, partly due to the nature of the alleged phrases and the probability of their occurence. The court also noted the improbability of Landis uttering these words to anyone in cycling as they actually might be true. The phrases are as follows:

conducted illegal transfers of funds to the GCP, acquired UCI funds to proceed in lawsuits of a personal nature, referred to cycling fans as “nom de plume idiots” in multiple emails, engaged in inflammatory proceedings against USADA and WADA, used UCI budget for personal wardrobe purchases, used UCI funds for personal holiday ventures, receiving a home and a significant salary still unrevealed to the UCI management committee as compensation as president, browbeating sponsors to ensure WorldTour teams attended Beijing, threatening journalists with blacklisting if potentially negative stories about them were released, leaking information to the press to benefit personally, removing popular events in lieu of events that line their pockets like the individual pursuit, bending WorldTour rules to ensure teams stay in even though the deadline passed like Saxo and RadioShack, hiring family members and friends to key races and key championship bids, illogical appeals of decisions, illogical non-appeals of decisions.

Additionally, the judge also refused to include the following words and phrases as the court determined Landis would never go as far as utter the following:

fucking gangsters, enforcers of cycling’s mafia omerta, nepotistic fucking douchebags, fucking shitbags, complete and total assclowns, in Armstrong’s pocket, payola kings, crime lords of cycling, vampire money suckers, drunk Irish pig, phat Pat, kiss my Heinie Hein, Dickus Henricus, bending over cycling, I hope Kimmage fucks them up in his court case, Weisel’s minions, how much money did Hein get for Keirin anyhow?, McQuaid’s lips are firmly planted on the ass of the IOC, Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine are pussies compared to Pat and Hein, Pat and Hein are a fucking embarrassment to cycling. period., are dirty liars, are no better than Attila the Hun or Napolean or Saddam Hussein or Kim Jong Il or Manuel Noriega.

As of press time, there was still no reason given by the UCI on why they haven’t filed a lawsuit against Tyler Hamilton, as his accusations mirror many of the same that have been uttered by Landis.

No word on how this judgement will affect the outcome of the current Kimmage action, where the journalist will actually be fighting the UCI on their turf.

London Mayor Boris Johnson and LOCOG chair Seb Coe give reluctant “thumbs” up to Pat McQuaid’s requests for the games (Source: nymag.com)

McQuaid wrote to Sir Seb Coe himself to ensure that the “…president of the greatest sport in the world and most global sport on the planet receive the proper red carpet treatment afforded by his hallowed position” stated the letter, recently obtained by Cyclismas.

McQuaid had requested a gold and velvet chair to be prominently located at the velodrome for the track portion of the cycling events, argued for the vehicle ID #1 for his new Bentley convertible, specified a gluten-free food service punctuated by La Bonnotte potatoes and Wagyu steaks, and demanded an entourage of British MI5 agents to protect him from the athletes and the fans during the games.

The LOCOG admitted privately that they’ve had to re-sticker every car for the road race in order to comply with McQuaid’s request after receiving threatening phone calls from both Igor Makarov and Hein Verbruggen. The committee has also rushed to comply with his other requests in order for Yorkshire to remain in the running for the 2016 Tour de France start.

UCI spokesperson Enrico Carpani confirmed there were some challenges to the LOCOG fulfilling their requests, but wouldn’t provide any details.

“Our organisation did send requests into LOCOG revolving around Mr. McQuaid’s requirements for the games, including the car ID #1 for the road race, which may have caused them some difficulty this week, but I cannot confirm or deny any of the other information you stated,” commented Carpani via phone.

Carpani did provide details of one initiative the UCI is happy to support for the London Games.

“The UCI is very happy to support the Olympic Games safe-sex initiative by distribution of condoms and other prophylactics to ensure all athletes are sexually protected during the games, including our male cyclists who have garnered quite a reputation at past games. We have contributed significant financial input to this initiative,” concluded Carpani.

Cycling commentator and sometimes Eurosport pundit Anthony Gibb weighed in with his thoughts on the developments.

“McQuaid truly thinks he is the King of Cycling, so none of these requests surprise me. You should hear what he had ordered for Qatar – it involved a harem. However, I will say that I shall be down at the athletes’ village offering my support to the London Games safe-sex initiative,” stated Gibb.

Despite the fact the UCI refused to confirm the details of their massive requests of the LOCOG, there were truckloads of La Bonnette potatoes being wheeled into the food service area of the Olympic village, along with several Japanese-speaking chefs discussing “that Overlord of cycling and his beef needs.”  There was also a mad rush to resticker cars with ID numbers Wednesday ahead of the Olympic Road Race, which takes place on Saturday.

The opening ceremonies of the London Games of Corporate Debauchery begin Friday night with the ritualistic lighting of the flaming cauldron. There was no confirmation at this time of virgin offerings or goat sacrifices as part of these ceremonies, however.

McQuaid just moments before South Korean police detained him for illegal video recording

The circumstances that involved the South Korean police authorities centered around a very short bike ride, as documented by the UCI on their website. McQuaid, outfitted in what can best be described as “California bike commuter chic,” sported running shoes and tube socks while riding on a borrowed bicycle with clipless pedals. But what sparked controversy was his handlebar-mounted camera that took a 10-minute video of the South Korean president’s bottom.

“We didn’t realize videotaping the South Korean president’s backside is an illegal activity in South Korea. We are more familiar with Chinese protocol, which does not frown upon arse photography,” commented UCI spokesperson Enrico Carpani.

Overzealous police officers on the river Han spotted McQuaid performing the illegal activity, and swooped in to arrest the UCI president. Korean VIPs on the cycling excursion were distracted with a bike-handling performance by Team Jelly Belly p/b Kenda rider Jeremy Powers – who was demonstrating the “Ted King bunny hop” to the group – and failed to realize the Irish cycling icon had been scooped up by Korean authorities.

It took several hours before the group recognized the absence of McQuaid. After the luncheon host introduced McQuaid for his speech about the globalization of cycling and its benefits to corporate Korea, and the UCI president failed to appear on the dais, the other UCI representatives scrambled to determine his location. After checks in several rooms, bathrooms, and conference center bars, the authorities were contacted.

“I’m very dismayed over how the situation was handled. After our commitment to the South Korean government, I would have expected finer treatment, and I would expect I’d have been recognized by the police officers as a VIP,” commented an embarassed McQuaid, still wearing his makeshift cycling attire after half a day in a Korean jail cell.

No word yet on whether the equipment has been returned to the UCI, or if the video was in fact deleted by authorities during its confiscation. However, representatives from the pro peloton were rather surprised McQuaid was willing to use the technology he has banned from usage in UCI-sanctioned events.

“The only thing legal in the entire ride by McQuaid was his helmet. No wonder he had such a sketchy run as a professional cyclist,” commented Omega Pharma – Quick-Step DS Brian Holm.

McQuaid spent an additional day in Asia for private meetings, before returning to Switzerland for typical UCI business.

The newest member of the AMPU in Lausanne, Francesco Conconi

“We have examined what is required for us to catch those who continually flout the system, and in conjunction with the Athlete Passport Management Unit in Lausanne, we have determined a better course of action to ensure the safety of sporting criteria in cycling,” commented an unnamed representative from the AMPU.

The new panel will consist of Michele Ferrari, Francesco Conconi, Eufemiano Fuentes, and Luis Garcia del Moral.

“All four have extensive practical knowledge to aid in our ability to interpret the data and determine if sporting values are being manipulated. In fact, most have presided over medical and sporting value panels in the past,” continued the AMPU representative.

When asked if the appointment of these four individuals had anything to do with his resignation, Ashenden was blunt in his retort.

“I’m not really concerned about the fact that these four are now ‘the panel,’ I’m more concerned that the Lausanne crowd responsible for allegedly conspiring to hide Armstrong’s doping positive are the foxes in the hen house.  I mean, c’mon, can we make the game just a little more obvious please. Please?  The level of cloak and dagger skullduggery by this omertà is positively staggering. I’m going back to kayaking,” concluded Ashenden.

When reached for comment, UCI spokesperson Enrico Carpani offered additional information.

“We are no longer directly involved with the biological passport programme. That task is now farmed out to the Athlete Passport Management Unit in Lausanne, which is at present a separate private profit center created with UCI monies from the now defunct ProTour fund. With this new business entity, our plans are to revolutionize the bio passport programme business in the same manner that we have revolutionized race organization with Global Cycling Promotion,” commented Carpani.

UCI president Pat McQuaid was unable to be reached to contribute to this story, as he was circulating in the elite track cycling circles of Australia. He was last seen in the company of Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard at an exclusive Livestrong fundraiser.

Ferrari, Conconi, Fuentes, and del Moral plan on holding a WorldTour orientation session in September to acquaint the pro peloton with the “new rules” for 2013.

His tenth-place finish at the Tour de Langkawi individual time trial four days ago wrought havoc with the UCI’s site servers, as tech support personnel scrambled to allocate more memory and bandwidth for the Iranian’s plethora of vowels and consonants.

Iran's Behnam Khalilikhosroshahi (l) in happier times (photo by Li Yong/profimedia)

It’s the second time a member of the Khalilikhosroshahi family has caused problems for a sporting federation, with Benham’s national-hero brother Salim forced to shorten his surname to “Khalili” on the back of his Tehran Tiger’s first division Iranian football league jersey.

UCI spokesman Enrico Carpani explained to Cyclismas that cycling’s governing body was currently exploring all possible avenues available to them to end the ‘crisis.’

“Reports of the website going down are true, but we are still trying ascertain the cause. Behnam’s name has been raised as an issue and we have talked about different courses of action, but felt it best to be 100 percent certain that his name was responsible before raising the ire of the Iranians.”

Pressed on whether the UCI would insist on the omission of the Iranian from the sport based on highly discriminatory grounds simply to keep the site afloat, Carpani refused to comment.

While there is no specific rule preventing Benham from competing, the UCI’s archaic database system is said to be under serious strain, and a solution is being demanded sooner rather than later by President Pat McQuaid. The Irishman was far less measured in his response.

“Do you shy from conflict with an oppressor like Iran when freedom of speech is being impinged?” asked McQuaid. “No, you fight! The UCI needs a balanced forum like UCI.ch to present its always-democratic views without criticism, and will not be impinged by one ‘agent’ posing as a rider with a long name.”

Benham’s lawyers, meanwhile, have cried foul, and say that the change is more driven by UCI commissaires’ unwillingness to write more than they’re contracted to. They quoted from a tweet by Eurosport cycling scribe Blazing Saddles, “…an Iranian non-nuclear pocket rocket with an unfeasibly long name…” as evidence of backlash against their client.

Cyclismas will provide updates to this breaking story as they become available.

How much of his autobiography did Roche actually write?

“The UCI has notified us that Roche is required to enroll in English grammar classes, in order to have his proficiency reach the required WorldTour levels. The UCI requires all riders to be fluent in at least one native language. Unfortunately, Irish isn’t one, and we’re working hard to get his English up to par,” commented general manager Vincent Lavenu.

UCI WorldTour rules state that each rider must have basic native language proficiency in order to receive their licence, and that a temporary licence can be issued for six months to allow for the completion of the testing.

Cyclismas has learned through leaked documentation that Roche has failed the UCI test three times, and that the UCI has allegedly covered up the failures. When reached for comment UCI spokesperson Enrico Carpani was definitive in his answer.

“There is no conspiracy. Nicolas has not completed his mandatory language test requirement. I cannot confirm or deny that he has taken the test in the past, but he is scheduled to take it in July. It unfortunately means he cannot be at the Tour de France this year,” stated Carpani.

This does call into question how much of his autobiography, Inside the Peloton, was written by the professional cyclist. His latest defense of the autobiography on Twitter in a conversation with Cyclismas contributor @fmk_RoI confirmed the need for classes to shore up his English-language proficiency.

New Peloton Magazine editor-at-large John Wilcockson was quick to defend Roche, “The lad is great on his bike, and he has started creating phenomenal new words for the cycling language, including the brilliant word ‘determinated’ which he used with class on Twitter yesterday.”

Roche refused to clarify any statements in English. However, score.ie did provide transcripts of some of his tweets, sadly highlighting the need for UCI grammar courses.

Lavenu confirmed that John Gadret would be the sole leader for AG2R at the Tour.

Bruyneel gives thumbs up to the fine from the UCI

Johan Bruyneel, whose company is acting as the management structure for the license holder, Leopard SA, was candid about the development with veteran Pez scribe Alastair Hamilton. Hamilton noted that Bruyneel had explained to him in a lengthy interview (appearing this coming weekend on the Pez Cycling site) that the team name included the Trek moniker and the UCI could take a long walk off a short pier.

A composed Enrico Carpani, spokesperson for the UCI, conveyed via phone yesterday that the offense represents a “third strike” against Bruyneel, and would garner a substantial penalty to the WorldTour team. During the conversation, a sweary Irishman breaking glass could be heard in the background.

Today, it was revealed via fax that the fine would be 4 million euros, suspension from participation in the Grand Tours, and a complete media blackout of Johan Bruyneel.

UCI president Pat McQuaid was candid about the penalty.

“Look, I’ve had enough of his antics and petty attempts to assassinate the reputation, character, and professionalism that the sport of cycling exudes to the public. After receiving Bruyneel’s agreement to do things our way, he goes and adds a fooking extra name on his press releases.  If he wants to go cowboy he can do it in races where I don’t care. Like the one-day classics and unimportant races like Paris-Nice,” declared an angry McQuaid.

Jim Ochowicz, team manager for BMC, was resolute in his reaction.

“Frankly, I’d appreciate Johan following the lead of his former disciple, Lance Armstrong, by making life difficult for those in the triathlon realm. I’m sure Andrew Messick would love to have him at Kona [Ironman Hawaii – Ed.], and we wouldn’t have to worry about his team hitting the deck and taking out one of our stars,” commented Ochowicz.

Professional cycling expert Lionel J. Birnie offered his opinion in the form of two questions, “Did RadioShack actually finish any races last year? Do we really care about what he (Johan Bruyneel) has to say? I mean, it seemed like he had a self-imposed media blackout policy already.”

Bryneel and Leopard SA have not responded to the press, nor responded to the UCI’s penalty levy.

Promotional photos for Stapleton's SmogBeater

“The fact that there have been dubious decisions involved in the creation of the Tour of Beijing, and the fact that it was granted WorldTour status prior to the race even being run are not the biggest concerns for me,” commented Bob Stapleton, soon-to-be-former HTC team owner. He continued, “I have immense concerns about the damage to my former team’s VO2 capacity, and potential long-term effects on their systems due to exposure to Beijing’s notorious pollution.” 

Stapleton put that angst to use, creating his SmogBeater cycling kit, after 18 months of research in some of the world’s most deadly and pollution-laden climates.

“I understand the UCI’s eagerness to grow the sport of cycling, yet they choose to expose these fine young men to crazy air conditions. There is a price to pay for trying to grow the sport in Brazil, Russia, India, China, and South Africa. Sure, I understand the economics of lining their own selfish pockets, but the potential carcinogenic effects to the peloton are astronomical,” commented Stapleton.

The SmogBeater – a self-contained suit, complete with a fully-enclosed helmet – acts as a second skin by preventing the deadly Beijing pollution from permeating the epidermal layer of the body, regulates body temperature, and can also brew coffee utilizing recovered and processed urine.

UCI spokesperson Enrico Carpani, when contacted for comment, was concerned about the ramifications of introducing the suit to the peloton.

“It is developments like this that are causing our organization to have a UCI apparel approval process. Pollution is just another factor that makes our racing exciting and challenging; it’s no more damaging than the micro-dosing that is rampant this year,” commented Carpani.

UCI president Pat McQuaid was less diplomatic, candidly stating that this cutting-edge technology “bullshite” is one of the many reasons why he was glad Stapleton will no longer have a team in the WorldTour.

“Not only will they be fined if they show up on the start line with this rubbish, but I’ll personally tear the fooking suits off every single fooking rider,” concluded McQuaid.