David, the spectacles are on the way.

You can follow David on Twitter @spokesmen.

Follow along with the crew on Twitter: @RippFinklemann, @theJonnyGunn, @CyclismasMercer, @saddleblaze. Follow show updates on Twitter @CCNN_TV.

Or take the show on the road with our iTunes downloads.

Follow along with the crew on Twitter: @RippFinklemann, @theJonnyGunn, @CyclismasMercer, @saddleblaze. Follow show updates on Twitter @CCNN_TV.

Or take the show on the road with our iTunes downloads.

North Korean leader will be switching from horses to bicycles in support of McQuaid (Photo courtesy of KRT via Reuters)

In a video interview released by North Korean television, the current supreme leader of the totalitarian-ruled nation had words of encouragement.

“Freedom is humanity’s great lie. Humanity was meant to be repressed, subjugated  controlled, mocked, and abused.  This has been our policy for many, many decades. The people of North Korea belong to the state. We do with them as we wish. They are cattle who will receive punishment for challenging my divine right to rule them with an iron fist. I have gladness to see another regime adopt a similar attitude. It gives me hope for sport. I am happy to see the UCI attempt to flex their repressive muscles to gain control of cycling,” declared Jong Un.

Jong Un went on to identify the behavior which gave him “hope” for cycling.

“Pat McQuaid, while supporting our neighbors to the south with UCI-sanctioned races, has shown his true alignment with our culture. Calling those who oppose his power ‘scumbags.’ Attacking those in his sport who break ranks from the UCI party line. Silencing his critics with legal wars.  McQuaid’s long-held dream of world cycling dominance over all other sports justifies his actions. The ends always justifies the means when we achieve our goals. It is with honor. It is how my regime acts today,” continued Jong Un.

The UCI, after taking a beating the past five days in the press, was thrilled to have the support of anyone, even if it was a North Korean dictator.

“Finally, someone understands where I am coming from. I have the best intentions to make the cycling nation the strongest, most powerful, and best-funded sport on the planet. But this is not enough. I want to control cycling throughout the galaxy, throughout the universe. It is my divine right handed down by Hein Verbruggen himself to rule the sport with an iron fist. To crush those who oppose my dreams of a world filled with nothing but bicycles, and to declare war on all other forms of transportation and sport,” frothed McQuaid.

When asked if corruption, collusion, cronyism, and general bad behavior were excusable due to his greater aims, McQuaid was succinct.

“Yes,” stated McQuaid as he thumped his shoe on his gold-encrusted desk.

Pundits around the cycling world were quick to comment on the statements.

“He’s completely nuts,” stated a commentator who may or may not have been David Harmon.

Phil Liggett was also asked to weigh in on the statements by both Jong Un and McQuaid

“I’m still a little vulnerable over the Armstrong business. I think I’m just going to say, “no comment,” go on a short trip to Mali, and hope this has all blown over by the Tour Down Under,” stated Liggett.

Greg LeMond, in the wake of his open letter to Pat McQuaid, was unable to offer any commentary as he was busy purchasing torches and pitchforks for an apparent Swiss Holiday on December 12th.

Wiggins has certainly enjoyed his red carpet ride around France, courtesy of Froome and the rest of Sky’s serfs (photo courtesy of ITV)

“I’ve always been someone who wishes to move on to new challenges. Now that I’ve conquered my first Tour de France it’s time to attempt a feat that has only been accomplished three times in the history of the Tour. I want to wear yellow from the prologue all the way to the Champs-Elysées next year,” declared Wiggins.

As an avid student of cycling history, Wiggins stumbled upon the legend of Ottavio Bottecchia – the first person to wear the yellow jersey from start to finish as winner of the 1924 Tour – via a conversation with famed Scottish cycling journalist, Richard Moore. Moore was turned on to the story of Bottecchia by Herbie Sykes over an espresso in 2006 during a very animated Giro d’Italia.

“I know that I’ve promised Chris (Froome) that he could have a shot at the Tour in 2013 and that I’d support him, but I think my goals are more important than his. After all, I’m higher on the seniority scale in GB Cycling and I don’t feel I’ve reached my peak yet,” continued Wiggins. “I think I have a chance at equalling a feat only done three times in Tour history, and one that hasn’t been accomplished since 1935.”

Team Sky boss David Brailsford confirmed his support for Wiggins in his plan for 2013.

“Considering that Brad and Fabian were the only two to wear the yellow jersey in the entire 2012 Tour, and the fact that we pretty much intimidated every single team in this race, it is distinctly possible that Brad could wear yellow from start to finish in 2013. No one can match our team strength on any stage on any day,” mused Brailsford.

Eurosport cycling pundit David Harmon concurred with Brailsford.

“Until the rest of the peloton grows a backbone, or Contador stays out of doping troubles, cycling is Wiggins’ domain to plunder as he wishes. He rides on the front for the sprints, and otherwise sits third wheel the entire race. He is a throwback to the great Kings and Queens of England. He truly is the king of cycling, no offense to Mark Cavendish or Sir Chris Hoy,” declared Harmon.

Former Tour de France champion Greg LeMond weighed in with his thoughts.

“Wiggins could lead the race, but only if Team Sky buys Alberto Contador’s and Andy Schleck’s contracts to sit them out of the Tour de France for the rest of their careers, or have them ride the front in support of Wiggins like they forced Froome to do this year. It’s what Hinault did, and also wanted to do to me back in the 80s,” stated LeMond.

When asked about Wiggins’ statement, Chris Froome refused to comment directly.

“We’ll start with the Vuelta and the Olympics, and see what happens from there. Anything is possible for 2013,” said a muted Froome.

Stage 19 is Saturday, which should be the 53.5 km time trial coronation of Wiggins into his role as King of the Tour de France.

Will Boonen be a crazy Belgian fan or a rider in Qatar next year? (Photo courtesy of ASO)

Responding to comments from U.S.-born BMC rider, Taylor Phinney, who stated, “If I wanted to ride on freeways and stare at the desert, I could have stayed at home,” the Sheikh said he felt the need to take care of the future star of the sport.

“We have negotiated with governor Jerry Brown of the great American state of California to purchase Mt. Shasta for six billion U.S. dollars, and we will be moving it to Qatar for the 2013 edition of the race,” declared Al Thani the Just.

Details were sketchy at press time, but anonymous sources in the governor’s office said the deal needed to be made, with the state facing a pending $3 billion debt problem in March. The looming debt crisis could have tipped the entire country’s economy into default, something that Brown didn’t want to have happen on his watch.

The office of the President of the United States also confirmed that military resources and technology would be put to work for the move, confirming that military exercises recently conducted in Los Angles were related.

However, the Sheikh also noted that it wasn’t enough to obtain the landmark – scheduled to be deposited near the town of Bir Zekrit – as Qatar also felt they needed “crazy cycling fans” to line the route of the 6-stage race.

“After watching 62,000 crazy Belgian fans during the cyclocross world championships, we felt that purchasing the population of Belgium for our race would really add the necessary cycling flavor to the broadcasts. They have proven to be the most cycling-mad nation on the planet. It is a good investment on our part,” commented the Sheikh.

The posed some confusion, however, as the 2012 race winner Tom Boonen is Belgian.

“Does this mean I’m supposed to be a crazy fan? Or am I going to race next year? Leave it to these oil-rich folks to make a mess of the sport, let alone the world. Whatever…” concluded a confused Boonen.

When asked for clarification on the Belgian’s conundrum, UCI boss Pat McQuaid was specific, “I have no comment on this situation. I will say that it’s none of your business what we do for the sport, nor is it Tom’s [Boonen] place to worry about anything other than riding a bike. Our record on globalization is strong.”

Noted human rights activist and Eurosport commentator David Harmon offered his two cents on the deal, “I’m quite interested in the logistics of not only moving mountains, but also an entire population for six days. But of course if anyone can make something happen, it’s American ethics and know-how coupled with Qatari money.”

Crony of the Year winner Kolobnev leads his temporary teammate (photo courtesy of ispaphotos)

Kolobnev beat out Brazil’s former sports minister, Orlando Silva, and FIFA’s Mohammed Bin-Hammam for the prize, showing geniune elation on stage during his acceptance speech.

“I never thought I’d be in contention for this award. I have to thank Igor Makarov, the Russian Cycling Federation, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, and my good friend Alexandre Vinokourov. I am happy to be recognized for assisting others in achieving their goals. I’d also like to thank my family,” shouted a jubilant Kolobnev.

It was touch and go as to whether Kolobnev would win the award, but the recent race-fixing scandal involving the Russian professional cyclist was the event that pushed him to victory. The alleged deal brokered between Vinokourov and Kolobnev for the former’s win of Liege-Bastogne-Liege undoubtedly solidified the Katushan’s “Top Crony” designation.

Kolobnev was proud of his achievement while discussing the victory with the press, surrounded by Putin, Makarov, and a contingent of Katusha’s team and management.

“It’s been a tough year. But I’m glad I took the advice of Makarov to exit the Tour de France in exchange for the Order of Merit. I’m glad I stayed silent on the doping issues in the sport in exchange for a slap on the wrist from the Russian Cycling Federation. And I’m glad to have supported my good friend Alexandre in exchange for the alleged financial compensation, I mean loan. In this world, crony capitalism certainly pays,” stated Kolobnev.

The event was hosted by the IOC in conjunction with SportAccord, and featured the comedic presenting skills of Ricky Gervais and Eurosport personality David Harmon.

“It was enlightening to see the Who’s Who of sporting corruption assembled in the same room and making deals while the ceremony was in action. Quite a sight for me to see Henricus Verbruggen laughing away with Sepp Blatter during the commercial breaks,” observed Harmon.

The event also honored Lance Armstrong with the Horst Dassler lifetime achievement award for decades of alleged deceit and double dealings. Armstrong mocked his “most-tested athlete” mantra with the help of  former media icon Conrad Black, who was flown in to present Armstrong with the award.

Stay tuned to cyclismas.com for the complete listing of award winners.

Cavendish wears the strips. With black shorts.

Inspired by the events that began in New York City on September 17th under the auspices of Adbusters, both gentlemen decided that “enough was enough,” and they’d “had their fill of UCI “over-regulation.” Cavendish, in fact, withdrew from the Giro di Lombardia in order to organize the Swiss demonstration.

“I’ve had enough of their bullshite, and the fact that I have to wear f***ing white shorts with my world champion jersey was the absolute last straw,” stormed Cavendish, “Pretty soon they’ll be telling me when I can have relations with my dynamite girlfriend, Peta.”

When told that this was technically already the case, especially if he were to be caught “mid-shag” by an out-of-competition biological passport control officer knocking on his door, Cavendish shrugged his shoulders and smiled.

“I haven’t had one of those since they started that bullshite program. I don’t think anyone actually ever has [had a biological passport programme control]. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I had to do a piss test,” stated Cavendish.

Cancellara was a little more reserved in his judgements, “I’m just disappoint that the UCI guys has forgottent my favorit status in 2011. I’m insult that even tho I was for shure great and sucsesfull at true racing, they’ve choosen to castet aside of my person for pockfaced Gilbert. It hurts my insideness.”

“Irksome” bloggers the world over, numbering in the tens of thousands, joined in the march from Vevey to Aigle. Standing in their support were some of cycling’s most vocal critics of the UCI, including Jonathan Vaughters, Eurosport’s David Harmon, USADA head Travis Tygart, Dr. Michael Ashenden, Franco Pellizotti, and the formerly-disgraced-and-now-vindicated Floyd Landis, who carried a burning effigy of Pat McQuaid. Curiously, when Riccardo Ricco pulled up in his sometimes partner’s Skoda, the entire movement barred his attempts to join the crowd.

UCI president Pat McQuaid and former president Henricus Verbruggen stood defiantly at the doors of world cycling’s headquarters, while the vast majority of UCI employees called in a “vacation day” and milled around outside, not quite sure what to do with themselves. Several were seen to be passing out file folders stamped “Confidential” to anyone who appeared even slightly interested. By the early evening, an informal twitter village had been set up to live-blog the event, with both Verbruggen and McQuaid still not fully grasping the impact of the social media platform.

Asked when the movement will end, Cavendish was cryptic, “This movement will end when the corrupt rulers of Aigle step aside for a Brit to rule this organization what’s been revived by the surge in cycling’s popularity throughout the United Kingdom. Or when I can wear my black shorts.”