New Team Sky president Scooter Braun (left) takes in the MTV VMA’s beside his “Gangnam Style” star, Psy.

“I am thrilled to announce that Scooter Braun – the man behind Psy, Justin Bieber, and Carly Rae Jepsen – has agreed to join the Team Sky brain trust in a newly-created role of president. Scooter’s appointment will allow me to spend more time in my GB cycling role as we prepare for Rio de Janeiro in 2016,” stated Brailsford at an elaborately-staged press conference held in the Cockcroft Theatre at the Manchester Conference Centre.

In spite of the tangible connection between Team Sky and the music world – notable instances include Bradley Wiggins’ love for all things Paul Weller, the team’s laughable attempt to craft a memorable theme song for the 2012 Tour de France in “Go Far” by the Elite, and the Team Sky efforts with Spotify – the recruitment of a music executive as the new head for the British cycling juggernaut caught many at the press conference off guard.

“Scooter Braun is an interesting choice. There’s no doubt he has an eye for musical talent, but will this correlate into success in managing a cycling team? I’m not convinced that this young man has what it takes to keep the crew out of trouble,” commented one Sky Sports pundit who may or may not have been Lia Hervey.

Other journalists heralded the move as brilliant.

“Look this man protected Justin Bieber forever. He placates the incredible demands of the stars and still manages to keep them focused and on their game in spite of the vast armies of individuals who want a piece of their empires. He just might be the man to understand what Wiggins and Froome will be up against next year as the pressure from the British press and the public could reach Sisyphean proportions,” commented Sky chronicler and cheerleader Ricardo Moorres.

There was some controversy with the move, as one of Braun’s musical hits was used successfully by Orica-GreenEDGE to promote their team’s activities, prompting Braun to comment on potential conflicts in the cycling world, including rumors of sponsoring another team.

“Look, I don’t mind if other teams use my artists’ hits to promote their teams. In fact, my record label is in negotiation to potentially sponsor a white label team, putting the face of Korean mega-superstar Psy on the front of their jerseys. In fact, I really don’t see this as a problem, as the incestuous nature of professional cycling is well-documented. I’m not sure why it would be considered controversial,” commented Braun.

Braun announced that his first move in his new role would be a business deal with the Pacha Nightclub group.

“There a strong correlation between professional male cyclists and nightclubs. I’m looking forward to innovative business promotions coming out of this partnership,” commented Braun.

Braun and Brailsford wowed the press conference attendees, concluding with an impromptu concert put on by Psy and MC Hammer a mere 24 hours after they had closed out the American Music Awards on Sunday. Brailsford, Braun, Wiggins, and Steve Peeters did an impromptu “Oppa Gangnam Style” on stage with the performers before the Team Sky posse headed out for a night of dancing and carousing.

Team Sky DS Sean Yates poses with Philou Maire, the alleged Motoman of Nice.

“We understand there were photos showing Sean Yates and one of our team vehicles in front of the bike shop owned by Philou Maire, as revealed on Facebook. Based upon this information, we are conducting an internal investigation to determine if our organisation has an exposure in this business,” stated Brailsford at a press conference outside a Limburg cheese factory.

Questions arise from the apparent relationship between Team Sky and the “Motoman of Nice.”

“Those photos have subsequently been removed, we’re not sure by whom, but we’ll continue to ensure that our team is 100% clean as defined by legal parameters contained in the WADA code, including ensuring our biological passports don’t look significantly strange,” continued Brailsford.

The Team Sky Dr. Evil doppelganger went on to echo sentiments laid out by other team managers, including, Bjarne Riis of Saxobank-Tinkoff. The marginal gains mastermind also commented on how difficult it is to operate a team in cycling without having some sort of connections to “past doping infractions.”

“Look, we’ve instituted a rule that says only one of our support staff can have dubious connections to potentially dubious characters who may or may not have supplied some sort of doping products in the past. Now we have two that I’m aware of, which is why we’re doing this investigation,” stated Brailsford.

Yates and the “Motoman of Nice” out on a casual ride together

When asked why he hired Leinders after it was revealed in the Dutch press prior to his hire that Leinders had iffy connections from the Rabobank days, Brailsford offered his appraisal of that particular situation.

“He had a great CV. Good experience in cycling. And the allegations were printed in the Dutch press. Since they weren’t written in English, they didn’t count at the time,” concluded Brailsford.

Brailsford refused to give any details on the internal investigation, or when it would take place, or if the results would be made public. Brailsford stated this was keeping within the operational guidelines of the sport as set out by the UCI.

Both Leinders and Yates refused any public comments on their respective situations. Yates refused to confirm or deny any sort of relationship with Maire, and refused to comment on any of the photos that depicted Yates and Maire on rides together and team vehicles parked in front of Maire’s shop.

One pundit who attended the press conference and wished to remain anonymous felt the statements by Brailsford were “smellier than the Limburger cheese factory where the press conference was held.”

No word on if, when, or how this apparent investigation will unfold or conclude.

A happy Brailsford poses for the press after a remarkable run for GB Cycling on the track (Photo courtesy of Phil O’Connor, Cycling Weekly)

“Look, I’ve ticked off all the boxes with cycling, and with my massively successful plan that began as my dream of world cycling domination in 2008 while chain-smoking with my mates behind the old Hacienda in Manchester has been realised,” stated a chain-smoking Brailsford, standing beside a cooking goat rotating over a fire. “I will be honoured to tick off the boxes for the entire athletics programme for the United Kingdom.”

In a year that saw the GB cycling professional program, known in the two-wheeled world as Team Sky, take almost every single race while the Olympic team has taken almost every available cycling medal on and off the track, Brailsford was satisfied.

“I am looking forward to applying my trademarked program, ‘Marginal Gains by David Brailsford’ to the rest of the GB athletics program, starting with women’s beach volleyball,” declared Brailsford.

Officials from BOA refused to comment or speculate on the development, other than to state that it was hard to argue with Brailsford’s success with the cycling program, and with the renewed emphasis on winning medals and luring big ticket sponsors, Brailsford’s presidency was a natural fit.

When asked if he had any grander plans beyond athletics considering his raging success, Brailsford was rather candid.

“I think my ‘Marginal Gains by David Brailsford’ could be the tonic to save us from our economic crisis. I also think it could save Europe, as well as the world. I’m not opposed to considering a run as prime minister for the good of the country,” concluded Brailsford.

Pundits across Great Britain heralded the potential move, including noted cycling journalist Matt Rendell.

“Fabulous is the news. Outstanding developments for England as a country if Brailsford were to take the helm of the BOA, and even the government. I’d back a Brailsford for PM campaign as long as he’d allow me to write the book,” noted Rendell.

Noted French superstar Gregory Bauge was less than enthused when told of the news.

“Brailsford is the bane of my existence. Between those amazing performances which beat my previously unblemished record, and the mystery behind the wheels, I can only imagine what sort of dark arts Brailsford would conjure up if he were granted more power. Next we’ll have Brad Wiggins winning the 100 metres at the 2016 Olympics in Rio, and Sir Chris Hoy winning the marathon,” mused Bauge.

BOA has issued notice of a press conference for the day after the closing ceremonies. No word as of yet to the agenda or the details of the press conference.

Cav turns his back on Team Sky for a contract with Simon Cowell

“Following a difficult year with Team Sky that culminated in frustration at the Tour de France and utter disappointment in London, I have decided to take a break from the sport of cycling to reflect on the future of my life and my professional career,” declared Mark Cavendish at a makeshift conference Sunday night at the British House in the Olympic Village.

With his partner Peta Todd at his side and flanked by a smirking Cowell, Cavendish outlined the offer from the music mogul and X-Factor executive producer.

“Simon has graciously extended an offer to impact the future of music in England. As everyone knows, I’m a huge music lover and I know good vocals when I hear them. Simon also said that I need to think of my career after cycling. Besides my wonderful family, there’s more to life than just winning sprints and setting records on the bike,” commented Cavendish.

Cowell was quick to point out the Manxman’s caché. “Mark is a brilliant young man whose talents were completely and utterly wasted this year at Team Sky. He’s been on my radar since his days with my good friend Bob Stapleton, and I felt now was the best time to pull the trigger on an offer before that guy with the airline got his talons into Team Sky,” chuckled Cowell. “I have almost never been wrong in spotting talent. I think this young lad has a bright future in the industry, and I’m more than willing to take him under my wing.”

When asked what Cavendish’s role would be on the next season of X-Factor, both Cavendish and Cowell were tight-lipped.

“All we’ll say is that I’m looking forward to Mark’s role on the next X-Factor. The viewers on ITV will be in store for a treat, and the British music scene will never been the same,” commented Cowell, adding that the contract was for two years with the option of renewal for both parties.

Cavendish refused to comment on the challenges at Team Sky that culminated with Team Sky principal David Brailsford baiting Cavendish to find a job elsewhere on a team in 2013 after the superstar expressed his disappointments and frustration with his racing schedule and support. Brailsford has been criticized in the British media for “abandoning” Cavendish in favor of a team utterly and completed centered on Tour de France champion Brad Wiggins.

“Look, I like Brad, and I like the team. My problems with Team Sky have nothing to do with my mates. I’ve already accomplished what I set out to achieve in cycling, and it’s time to take a break to see what I can attain off the bike,” concluded Cavendish.

Brailsford was “gobsmacked” by the announcement and rather upset that Cavendish would conduct the press conference “in his house on his turf,” according to anonymous British Team Sky freelance media sources. The Dr. Evil doppelgänger was seen at the Olympic Velodrome moments after the announcement, chain-smoking and yelling loudly at his right and left arms, Shane Sutton and Rod Ellsworth. After several failed attempts, Brailsford finally managed to tip over two stands of GB cycling equipment in anger and then stormed off, refusing to comment.

Episode 9 of X-Factor begins next month, with the most anticipated season launch to date.  Stay tuned to the X-Factor website and cyclismas.com for future details on the Cavendish X-Factor experience.

Salomons Memorial will be joined by a massive Team Sky museum commemorating the remarkable run by Brad Wiggins and Team Sky in 2012 (Source: geograph.org.uk/Ian Capper)

“We have purchased the rights to the Box Hill National Trust in order to create a monument to Brad Wiggins and the Team Sky domestiques, thus combining the team’s historic achievements with our desire to preserve an environment. The world will have the ability to bask in the glow of our accomplishments for eons to come,” declared Brailsford at a press conference set up at the McDonald’s in the Olympic Village.

Plans include an 8-metre fence circumnavigating the entire preserve to ensure a pristine environment for nature to grow in its natural surroundings. Team Sky has also hired noted botanists Roger and Alison Heath to determine proper designations of plants in the Box Hill region and rename them after various members of the Wiggins and Brailsford families.

In order to ensure the integrity of the National Trust, those wishing to cycle, walk, or picnic in the Box Hill preserve will be required to pay an admission fee of £20 per person. The fee, however, will also grant a membership in the Team Sky fan club, news on SkyRides, and free admission to the new museum currently being designed by London Olympic architect Philip Johnson, principal architect from the firm Populous.

“The Design will incorporate the likenesses of lifelong-sponsor Jaguar with Bradley Wiggins. We’re mocking up a bronze with Wiggins, hands aloft, riding the Jaguar symbol, which will top a building utilizing the most environmentally friendly eco-designs. We’ll have lots of bamboo, reclaimed rubber, reclaimed concrete, recycled water, and recycled water containers, along with reclaimed bidons from this year’s Tour de France,” commented Johnson at the press conference.

There were mixed reactions from the cycling community on the sale of a publicly-held national land trust to a quasi-private/public partnership with potential profit-driven motives to trumpet Sky’s victories to the greater British cycling public for their own good.

One anonymous fan at the press conference who was wearing Team Sky employee clothing commented, “I’m happy to throw my support behind any Wiggins/Brailsford/British Cycling intiative. They always have the fans and the people of Britain top of mind whenever they make any decisions related to the team, as they say in the press constantly. I have no problem with paying a fee to enter Box Hill, considering I’m paying a fee to watch the Olympics from Box Hill. So why not? They are the best thing ever to happen to cycling. Ever.”

UCI president Pat McQuaid was in attendance for the unveiling and stated, “I’m thrilled for this new development in the Team Sky cycling fairy tale. This couldn’t be a better ending to a grand Olympics that will have either Brad Wiggins or Mark Cavendish win the road race. I’d prefer Wiggins, but I’ll settle for Cavendish if I have to,” stated McQuaid.

McQuaid also revealed another exciting development along with the Team Sky announcement.

“Box Hill will also be on the top of our list of locations for a new UCI WorldTour venue. I am looking forward to placing Box Hill firmly in the folklore of our global cycling plan. It is definitely a better inclusion on the WorldTour calendar than the Tour of Britain. We look forward to Team Sky’s WorldTour race proposal, in conjunction with Global Cycling Promotion.”

Noted cycling doubter Paul Kimmage weighed in with his thoughts via phone:

“Cycling’s a big mess. I’m taking up sailing,” stated Kimmage.

Box Hill will feature prominently in Saturday’s road race, and will be a good gauge for future WorldTour events.  Brailsford will be unveiling additional plans for Box Hill at the UCI World Championships in September.

Wiggins has certainly enjoyed his red carpet ride around France, courtesy of Froome and the rest of Sky’s serfs (photo courtesy of ITV)

“I’ve always been someone who wishes to move on to new challenges. Now that I’ve conquered my first Tour de France it’s time to attempt a feat that has only been accomplished three times in the history of the Tour. I want to wear yellow from the prologue all the way to the Champs-Elysées next year,” declared Wiggins.

As an avid student of cycling history, Wiggins stumbled upon the legend of Ottavio Bottecchia – the first person to wear the yellow jersey from start to finish as winner of the 1924 Tour – via a conversation with famed Scottish cycling journalist, Richard Moore. Moore was turned on to the story of Bottecchia by Herbie Sykes over an espresso in 2006 during a very animated Giro d’Italia.

“I know that I’ve promised Chris (Froome) that he could have a shot at the Tour in 2013 and that I’d support him, but I think my goals are more important than his. After all, I’m higher on the seniority scale in GB Cycling and I don’t feel I’ve reached my peak yet,” continued Wiggins. “I think I have a chance at equalling a feat only done three times in Tour history, and one that hasn’t been accomplished since 1935.”

Team Sky boss David Brailsford confirmed his support for Wiggins in his plan for 2013.

“Considering that Brad and Fabian were the only two to wear the yellow jersey in the entire 2012 Tour, and the fact that we pretty much intimidated every single team in this race, it is distinctly possible that Brad could wear yellow from start to finish in 2013. No one can match our team strength on any stage on any day,” mused Brailsford.

Eurosport cycling pundit David Harmon concurred with Brailsford.

“Until the rest of the peloton grows a backbone, or Contador stays out of doping troubles, cycling is Wiggins’ domain to plunder as he wishes. He rides on the front for the sprints, and otherwise sits third wheel the entire race. He is a throwback to the great Kings and Queens of England. He truly is the king of cycling, no offense to Mark Cavendish or Sir Chris Hoy,” declared Harmon.

Former Tour de France champion Greg LeMond weighed in with his thoughts.

“Wiggins could lead the race, but only if Team Sky buys Alberto Contador’s and Andy Schleck’s contracts to sit them out of the Tour de France for the rest of their careers, or have them ride the front in support of Wiggins like they forced Froome to do this year. It’s what Hinault did, and also wanted to do to me back in the 80s,” stated LeMond.

When asked about Wiggins’ statement, Chris Froome refused to comment directly.

“We’ll start with the Vuelta and the Olympics, and see what happens from there. Anything is possible for 2013,” said a muted Froome.

Stage 19 is Saturday, which should be the 53.5 km time trial coronation of Wiggins into his role as King of the Tour de France.

I’ve always told these people that success means having the right people doing the right things at the right time for the right reasons.

Inevitably, the root of the problem is having the wrong people in the wrong positions, and then having those people compound the problem by doing the wrong thing. It’s not unusual to discover a CFO who would rather be a CIO, or a sales manager who is better suited to an operations position, or finding an accountant as a marketing manager who wants to break everything into a numbers equation.

However, the biggest failing is that most refuse to deal with the “right reasons” part of the equation.

You see, the “right reason” for achieving a goal can make having the wrong people at the wrong time doing the wrong things almost forgivable. If the reason is valid, the public will forgive the other parts. We see this in cycling with the Lance effect. His cancer-awareness campaign has given his fans a reason to forgive his other transgressions.

This brings me to Team Sky.

It’s great that there is going to be a (knock on MyKnoaky) British Tour de France champion. Sure it’s great for England, and yes people in England should be proud that one of their own has won the most talked-about cycling event on the calendar. Should it be the overarching mission statement for a supposedly for-profit professional cycling venture?

No.

If the Tour de France were being contested by trade teams run by every other national federation, with sponsor dollars brought in to offset the cost of operation, then sure, there would be zero issue with how Team Sky has run their PR campaign. But that’s not the case, is it? Furthermore, isn’t that what Olympic cycling is for, and what the World Championships are for? But it shouldn’t be what the rest of the cycling calendar is about.

One of the uglier side effects of this rampant nationalism was the Twitter backlash today against anyone in the United Kingdom who questioned the logic and validity of Team Sky’s tactics following Valverde’s victory on the Peyrousorde. Both @sofaboy and @velocast were on the receiving end of some particularly venomous “you can’t question this, and if you do you’re anti-British” messages from folks they normally have pleasant exchanges with.

Other flag-waving types say that a Brad Wiggins/British victory is vital for providing a boost to cycling in the United Kingdom, that a Tour de France victory means that there will be more SkyRides, which are important and necessary for achieving a victory for the British cycling grassroots movement, and then the United Kingdom will be the greatest cycling nation on the planet and now we’ll feel better about ourselves and about our sport and about our national identity.

Bollocks.

If there was ever a “wrong reason” for a Tour de France victory, this is it. And the worst part is that this behaviour is being perpetuated by the pro “Believe in Britain” journalists, along with David Brailsford, Brad Wiggins, and the Team Sky marketing brain-trust. Why should the fact that this team is British be front and centre as the end-all be-all?

It shouldn’t be.

As a prime example, take Canadian Ryder Hesjedal. Hesjedal was the first Canadian winner of a Grand Tour. He is a proud Canadian who displayed a hockey stick with a Canadian flag on the podium in Milan. And then, that was it. Was there a giant marketing campaign of “Believe in Canada?” No. In fact, Hesjedal didn’t even go home to Canada, because he had a job to do, because he rides for a trade team based in the U.S. with a roster comprised of a multitude of nationalities attempting to achieve a variety of goals in cycling. Winning Grand Tours. Winning Classics. Placing team members in strategic locations in order to draw attention to sponsors who have chosen to believe in a particular venture.

That’s the point of professional cycling. Nationality isn’t the “right reason” for a Tour de France victory, it is merely a small component of a greater mission, a mission of nine gentlemen from a variety of experiences and locations overcoming their own personal feelings and agendas to achieve their own “right reason” at the Tour, whatever that “right reason” might be for a commercial venture that is supposed to generate a profit.

How do you think Edvald Boassen-Hagen feels about a “British” Tour de France victory? How about Richie Porte? Or Mick Rogers? Do you think they care about a British victory?  No. But they do care about the fact their teammate, a guy they supported for over 3,496.9 km, achieved the team’s goal of winning the Tour. To say this is a victory for “British” cycling is to diminish their contributions.

The Norwegian road racing champion of the world, who happens to be on this so-called British team (photo by Dana Gardner/DailyPeloton.com)

But the worst part of the equation is the downside of having the “wrong reason.” GB Cycling and BSkyB have wrapped themselves in the Union Jack for financial gain and greater dominance in the UK Cycling market, and to leverage that success for greater worldwide gain. What happens if – heaven forbid – Brad Wiggins tests positive down the road for PEDs? What happens if members of the Team Sky braintrust are popped for corruption, or collusion, or illegal banking? What happens to the nationalistic cycling disciples then? What happens to their feelings? Would they feel betrayed?

Sometimes it’s better to keep your reasons for victory more reasonable and less lofty. It allows room for the grassroots to believe in cycling for cycling’s sake. Not because you happen to hold a British passport.

After all, Bradley Wiggins grew up idolizing a Spaniard.

Bugno spent the day in a VIP media car, which subsequently was removed from the Tour “for excessive alcohol consumption,” and could not contain his frustration as he watched Cavendish “hump bottles like a sleazy Saudi camel” and tow the front of the peloton as if he were a “lowly Bangkok rickshaw driver.”

“Team Sky are a disgrace to cycling. They should be upholding certain standards as the team with the special honor of having the world road race champion, especially one recently declared the greatest sprinter of all-time by L’Equipe. A man of his stature deserves an entourage and red-carpet treatment, not the asinine disgracing for the service of that guy wearing the maillot jaune,” Bugno spittled. “When I was world champion, I never fetched a bottle, no matter how much better a teammate may have been, and that includes Laurent Fignon. What’s next? Being demoted to shuttling groupies to the leader’s room?”

In fact, Bugno feels that this could, in fact, damage Cavendish’s confidence heading into the Olympics as the reigning king of the roads.

“How would you feel after you’ve achieved a world-class stature only to have some depressed ex-Olympian with bad hair order you around? Not only is it a confidence killer, but Brailsford is playing with fire. What happens if Cavendish is injured humping bottles? Mark is also exposed to potential injury as he is expected to sacrifice himself and his bike for the supposed greater good. This smacks of communism. This isn’t cycling,” an emphatic Bugno declared.

Cycling pundits were also awestruck by Cavendish’s requirements for the Tour de France, including ex-professional Tony Rominger, who rode a short time with world champion Johan Museuuw in 1996.

Cavendish “disgraces” the rainbow stripes, according to Gianni Bugno (photo courtesy Bettini Photo via cyclingnews.com)

“I think there would have been a civil war in Belgium if I’d ever asked Johan to fetch me a bottle,” commented Rominger.

Even Garmin-Sharp head Jonathan Vaughters was surprised by Brailsford’s requests of Cavendish during the Tour de France.

“I had the world champion in the guise of Thor Hushovd in 2011. I could barely get him to ride, let alone fetch a bottle. I think if I’d even attempted to ask, I would have received a fine and a lawsuit from Pat McQuaid and the guys in Aigle for unprofessional conduct unbecoming the rainbow stripes,” stated Vaughters.

Bugno added one last comment before hit went “clubbing” in Pau.

“I pray for Team Sky and David Brailsford that they win the Tour. If they don’t and it all goes out to sea, Cavendish will be beside himself losing out stage wins to inferior sprinters in the form of Peter Sagan and Andre Greipel. It will be a Tour that he’d rather forget, and it could mean his departure from Team Sky if he’s expected to do the same for either Chris Froome or Wiggins again next year. This is an utter shambles and complete disgrace to the honor and tradition of the rainbow stripes,” concluded Bugno.

Representatives from the UCI were not available for comment. The Tour pauses in Pau for a rest day on Tuesday.