Cyclismas Let’s start at the beginning. How did you get into doping?

Lance I have never tested positive. I’m walking away from this f**king witch-hunt.

Cyclismas Does this mean you’re having trouble coming to terms with the fact that you’ve been outplayed and outmaneuvered for the first time in your career?

Lance (stony silence, laser-beam eyes boring hole through Mercer’s head)

Cyclismas Let’s change gears here.  Tell about your triathlon plans.

Lance I have none at the current time because f**king Messick doesn’t have a backbone. If it wasn’t for Johnson and the other guys at USA Cycling, I’d be totally screwed. What’s wrong with people these days? Don’t they like the win-at-all-costs mentality? Don’t people like winners anymore? Cycling’s full of losers. I know. I kicked their asses when I came out of retirement to podium in Paris.

Cyclismas Let’s delve into that subject. Why did you come back from retirement? Your return is being discussed as your Achilles heel, opening the door for USADA to move against you.

Lance Honestly?

Cyclismas That would be nice for a change.

Lance Hang on. (dials cellular phone) Hi Mark? Can I spill the beans on why I came out of retirement? Is there any damage to the titles if I share the truth? Yes. Yes. Yes. No. No. He didn’t ask about that yet. It’s fine? Alright. I’ll go for it. (hangs up phone)

Cyclismas So you can tell us the truth on that one?

Lance Yes. I did it for the alimony.

Cyclismas Sorry? Alimony? Can you elaborate?

Lance Sure what the hell. All my ex-girlfriends receive a monthly payment in exchange for their signing of a non-disclosure agreement for keeping my activities private and quiet. I also make substantial payments to Kik for the kids and her lifestyle, not to mention taking care of my kids with Anna. Plus, I just can’t help but have extra helpings, if you know what I mean. Seriously, the number of blondies in Colorado for the US Pro is off the hook. The boys have done some good scouting for me the past two weeks.

Cyclismas So, you’re saying that due to the heavy financial burden of your personal decisions, you were experiencing trouble making all your payments?

Lance Hey now, I always make my payments. Well, to those I like… HA! Seriously though, it was getting a bit thin. I mean, when I retired, people started forgetting about me a bit, so I had to do these appearances at various cancer events, but it wasn’t the same as competition. I couldn’t slam dunk a granny for not keeping my wheel, you know? So when Johan [Bruyneel] and Lee [Applbaum] threw 25 million at me to come back, I thought, hey, well, that’ll solve some of the alimony problems.

Cyclismas Is this why “Big Yellow One” was grounded?

Lance Well, yeah, it was getting kind of tough, and Ulman is my conscience, and he said maybe it wasn’t a good thing to keep the jet flying when so many people in America couldn’t afford their houses and food, so I thought, yeah, it might be good PR for me to fly first class instead. Plus, I had that huge water bill in Austin! Wow, that was a shocker. Got rid of the ranch over that.

Cyclismas So what’s next for Lance?

Lance Well, I need to keep those paychecks coming, or the non-disclosure agreements are null and void. And that could be a big problem. Especially since I pissed one of the girls off, apparently, and she’s already talked to Tygart and those witch-hunters. I think me and Johan are just going to do the Breakaway League without Vaughters. Traitor.

Cyclismas What about all those riders who are still supporting you?

Lance Good thing most of them aren’t too bright. Gives me some breathing room. Plus, I have a year before the UCI implodes, so by then the Livestrong Breakaway Series will be up and running.  Glad I’ve got guys like Chris Horner and Hayden Roulsten in my corner. PT Barnum was right, huh?

Cyclismas “Sucker born every minute,” true. So you’ve got a Breakaway Cycling League, and still many endorsements. The question is are you happy with how your life has turned out?

Lance Dude, I’m stoked. I’ve got houses everywhere, and more money than 99% of America. People keep giving me money, and I don’t give them anything back other than “hope” or “awareness” or “air quotes.” They are all still my yellow army. It’s pretty cool. And McDreamy says I can get a walk-on in his next movie, so I’m looking forward to that.  So, yeah, I’m really happy with how my life turned out. Rich, famous, and babes galore. What more do you need?

Cyclismas That’s the question Lance, how much more do you need?

Lance I’m like Weisel, man. I want it all. Blondes in saunas. Blondes in pools, blondes on the table. And maybe a little other action once in awhile.

Cyclismas Thanks for your time, Lance.

Lance Dude, try that sushi there. It’s like 100 bucks a roll. And try that puffer fish thingy. It’s a gooder. Makes you feel like Zeus, baby.

The Lion King pauses speaking for 3 seconds to allow this photo to be taken (Photo: Bettini Photography)

The interview, which began at 6 a.m. CET and didn’t conclude until 2 p.m. CET – pre-empting six radio shows on the station – gave Cipollini the platform to continue his campaign to be reinstated by the governing body in time to make his triumphant Giro return. However, Cipollini feels that racism against riders from Italy and Spain by the “Anglo-led UCI” is the biggest stumbling block to his return.

“I’m very, very, very, very, very, very troubled. The UCI allows 41-year old Chris Horner on a third-rate team to compete in the so-called WorldTour, but doesn’t allow me to compete? When was the last time Chris actually had a doping control? I don’t think he’s had one for at least two years. How else can you explain his performance this past week? How am I any different? I’m Italian and friends with the Spain. That’s the problem. The UCI punishes anyone who isn’t American, Irish or British. What a sad state of affairs when you have translucent-skinned cycling peoples winning races. No style. No good looks. No panache. By Ghisallo’s thighs, thank the Saint from the mountain that Peter Sagan and Vincenzo Nibali have been able to overcome this blatant bias to non-Anglo victories,” rambled the Lion King.

“Dutch are climbers? Did they build a mountain somewhere to train? Have they moved the nation to Switzerland? Has the world gone mad? If Hoogerland can contend in the mountains, than the Cipo will make the mountains classification his goal for this Giro. Why not? Everything else is just as absurd,” continued the tanned and virile one.

UCI president Pat McQuaid, was succint in his reply to the marathon interview, “Payback’s a bitch. After years of suffering against our southern neighbours, it’s time they see what it was like to lose on a regular basis.”

When asked if Cipollini’s return was to be allowed, McQuaid was terse, “Ask Acquarone.”

When reached for comment, Giro boss Michele Acquarone was his usual gracious and intelligent self, “We welcome Mario Cipollini as a great ambassador of the the sport of cycling. If he is able to secure a team which has a Giro invite, I’m sure we’ll look forward to his exploits.”

According to Cipollini’s protracted radio interview, following up from his marathon TV interview the day prior, there are several teams lined up for his services, most notably SaxoBank and RadioShack-Nissan.

“Both teams want me for separate reasons. SaxoBank for the obvious one. And RadioShack-Nissan? They need some sort of positive press to counteract the inevitable disappointment with the Schleck brothers. Becca also has approached me to be a spokesmodel for his new casino construction project. I’m leaning towards Becca, he does business in the old way,” continued Cipollini.

You can hear the rest of the interview, including his two hour pontification on the wrongs of the Italian taxation system at www.cipollinithelionkingwillcomebacktovictoryatthegiroandshowallwhatpanacheactuallymeans.com

In an accident that stopped the peloton on the narrow French road like water in a kinked hose, RadioShack’s Horner crashed off to the side of the road and landed in a ditch. Team director Johan Bruyneel responded to his downed rider and gave this description:

When I got there, he was lying in a ditch and was very shaken. It was obvious he’d hit very hard. He finished the stage and I think basically he’s OK physically, but we’re taking him to the hospital to have a scan. He doesn’t really know where he is right now or what happened. We’ll see what the results are but I fear the worst.

If you had not seen the stage and only read Bruyneel’s first hand account of Horner lying in a ditch you still begin to wonder why the RadioShack rider was allowed to ride in a state of confusion. Horner was given his bike and his instinct to continue racing kicked in. The race doctor pulled along side Horner and monitored him the entire way. He finished the stage – confused, bruised, broken, and bleeding. It was the video of Horner after the stage, totally confused and asking what happened, that leaves cycling fans stunned and wondering why he was not pulled from the race.

The internet lit up regarding Horner’s ride to the finish. Studies have shown that having an elevated heart rate after a concussion can further do damage to the brain. Additionally, there’s that voice of common sense saying a guy that’s confused should not be controlling a vehicle that rolls on two skinny wheels. People lashed out at Bruyneel’s decision to let Horner remount and carry on. People also pointed fingers at the Tour race doctor who was attending to him as they rolled along.

JoE Silva, cycling columnist for NBC Sports said, “Doesn’t anyone remember what happened to actress Natasha Richardson after she fell off her skis and seemed to be okay?” Richardson fell while taking skiing lessons. She refused medical assistance and after complaining of a headache was taken to the hospital. She died two days later due to an epidural hematoma from the blunt impact to the head.

In response to the criticism Bruyneel fired off a curt reply via Twitter:

To all my haters: why don’t you comment on facts instead of on rumors? Or even better: don’t comment at all!”

He followed up later stating that Horner was in the hospital and was doing better.

However, Reuters is reporting that Horner’s last memory is of Stage 2’s team time trial. I guess Bruyneel has a different standard of what’s considered “okay.”

So who is to blame for letting Horner continue to race? Bruyneel is the first to the scene of Horner’s crash and by his own words said he found him confused and bleeding – why hand him a bike? I don’t expect Bruyneel to be able to make a medical evaluation, but common sense should come into play. If he was as confused as Bruyneel himself stated, Horner shouldn’t have continued to ride. The other person to blame is the Tour doctor. They both let him continue while he was a danger to himself and others. It’s common practice for doctors to make an evaluation of the rider following a crash. So why would these two different people, who have the authority to pull him from the race, let him continue?

Team directors are not riders’ friends. A rider is an asset that needs to keep running until it just can’t continue. If you had seen this happen to your child or loved one would you have given him their bike back with a push back into the peloton? Of course you wouldn’t. Why? Because you care about them as a person and not as a paid asset. The Tour doctor knows how important it is to keep riders in the race, but the doctor should have looked further than the remaining 25 kilometers of the stage and pulled the plug. It borders on incompetence gambling with Horner’s life like that.

I’m sure Bruyneel cares about Horner the person, but his perspective of the rider as a much needed member of the team appears to come first. Even if he is also looking out for a rider’s personal goal of staying in the Tour, a director needs to be more detached and not let the pressures of the Tour cloud their judgement. Remember when Lance Armstrong crashed out of the Tour of California in 2010? His injuries were no way as severe, but just as gruesome-looking. Like Horner, Armstrong was bloodied and bruised about the face. As it was just the Tour of California, Armstrong abandoned to recover for his run at the Tour de France. When you’re racing the Tour a rider is pushed to their utmost limit. However, that doesn’t make it right to enable them to continue.

Bruyneel isn’t the only one who continued to push his solider out of the trench and into battle. Tom Boonen crashed hard in Stage 5 and finished the stage. The next day he completed another stage. Finally he quit during Stage 7. After Boonen abandoned he revealed that he had thrown up in the night, couldn’t tolerate colors or sound and had a huge headache.

“That’s cycling,” said Boonen with a sigh. “If you can put on your racing number you can race” is how CyclingNews.com reported it.

QuickStep director Wilfried Peeters is the one who allowed Boonen to continue in what is another case of staggering incompetence. You have a rider who is clearly suffering from a concussion and you don’t make the executive decision to pull him from the race? But for Peeters, Boonen’s 2011 season hasn’t lived up to expectations. He wants his pound of flesh from the sprinter, probably hoping he would recover and can win a stage to redeem the QuickStep squad’s Tour. They don’t have a GC contender and Boonen was their one solid chance for a stage victory. As with all professional athletes it’s about what have you done for the team/owner lately. If not much, well suck it up and get back out there! Cycling, football, baseball, hockey, you name the sport – they all have their own stories of athletes being treated like meat.

It was good to hear that Garmin-Cervelo’s Dr. Prentice Steffen has a protocol in place for dealing with a rider who might be suffering from a concussion.

In an interview with CyclingNews.com he says, “I came up with it based on research and the Zurich conference on head injuries in sport.”

The assessment is a step-by-step questionnaire that the rider must answer. Staff have been trained in this and it is team policy to pull the rider from the race if they show signs of impairment.

In a season that has seen the tragic death of one rider and the continuing rehabilitation of another, head injuries should be the foremost thought in a team director’s mind. However, winning or at least still having the foot soldiers in place to continue the fight seems to be more important. Here’s to Chris Horner and the other injured riders making a full recovery.

Follow Neil on Twitter @Neilroad and on his always amusing, yet informative, Tour de France Live Chats at NeilBrowne.com

What makes this Tour special is the of course the fact that many GC contenders are out of the race or far behind already, with Wiggin’s crash yesterday fresh in mind.

Bradley Wiggins of Britain holds his left shoulder after crashing during Stage 7 of the Tour de France Friday July 8, 2011 (AP photo)

Safety – whose responsibility 

Also hard to watch was RadioShack’s Chris Horner, obviously suffering from a concussion after a fall, being very disoriented coming across the finish line in Châteauroux. Horner fell in the same crash as Wiggins, which means he rode 38km in that state. The RS member who greated Horner when he crossed the finish line, said to Horner he crashed 25km from the finish, but varying reports say otherwise. Of course, riders safety is the number one priority and any rider in the state Horner was in yesterday is a danger both to himself and other riders. Many have argued on twitter that the UCI is more concerned with seat tilt angles than rider safety. Determining whether a rider has a concussion can be hard from a distance through a radio. Perhaps is it necessary to apply a rule that says that if riders hit the deck, a DS and a race doc should physically check up on the rider, making sure he is ok. What some believe is strange, is that Horner received treatment by the race doc after the crash, reports say that the doctor wrote that Horner had a concussion and still left him on his bike. In addition to this, Johan Bruyneel had his team doctor driving next to Horner the last 38km. Bruyneel says he won’t be critisized over his decision to let Horner finish.

Chris Horner lost over 12 minutes on the GC after his Stage 7 crash (Sirotti photo)

The number of UCI commissaires is not that high to be everywhere, but this is a matter that should be number one priority. Ultimately, a rider’s safety is divided between himself and his leader, when the rider himself is not able to make that call, the team leader needs to step up and take responsibility. Geraint Thomas, one of Team Sky’s young stars, wrote yesterday that riders safety must be the rider’s responsibility.

Tactically manoeuvring

A rider and a team riding for GC who really have impressed me the first week is Cadel Evans and BMC. The team is always to be seen near the front when the terrain is difficult, or in the last important part of the race. Very tactically ridden and a nice way to keep him out of potentially dangerous episodes. Now, one could argue that this is one of the reasons crashes happens in the first place, the constant hunt for positions.

Next stage, be sure to watch out for Cadel Evans and BMC, I guarantee you, they are at the front at the right time.