Vaughters models the outfit that garnered him top secret UCI information (photo via Vaughters’ spycam)

“It was one of the toughest decisions of my life, but I had to put my personal feelings aside in order to do what was best for cycling,” commented Jonathan Vaughters, who dressed up as a woman in order to infiltrate the meetings.

“Thankfully the old men around the table didn’t recognize me. Verbruggen and McQuaid both have a penchant for blondes with hot legs, which gave me a massive advantage. The toughest part was having to shave off my sideburns in order to disguise my facial features,” continued Vaughters.

“Undercover Vaughters” was able to discover where Verbruggen has been stashing his ill-gotten millions, allegedly obtained through various acts of graft and skimming. The graft was partially revealed by the Keirin investigation in the late 90s, but the skimming part of Verbruggen’s devious plan had never been revealed until now.

As per Vaughters’ undercover investigation, Verbruggen has been stashing his ill-gotten gains from race organizers seeking preferential treatment, riders hoping for Grand Tour glory, and corporations looking for cycling exposure via accounts based in China. Originally, Verbruggen had his business accounts in Ireland and the Caymans, but after some security compromises, he moved his funds to China.

“Verbruggen likes shorter Asian ladies with hot legs and blonde wigs. In fact, rumor has it his assistant, who is Asian, must wear a blonde wig whenever she is in his presence, which I found out first-hand. Thankfully, I fit the same criteria, which led to my stealthy success,” stated Vaughters.

When asked on whose behalf he was collecting the information, Vaughters was uncharacteristically tight-lipped.

“It’s no secret I sit on the board of every cycling organization and every cycling faction. MPCC, AIGCP, UCI commissions, and even that strange Change Cycling Now Red Brigade Shock Troop who pledge unquestionable allegiance to soon-to-be dictator for life Greg LeMond. However, all my work has been on behalf of PETA. They’re very concerned about the poor treatment of rodents in cycling events around the world,” revealed Vaughters.

“Undercover Vaughters” went on to reveal he obtained the most damning information via secret audio recording during a private hotel event with several other scantily-clad ladies of distinction. In order to achieve the best possible recording, however, the microphone had to be placed in the fanny region.

“I’ll admit, it was a little uncomfortable, but hey, I do what I can for the sport and the squirrels I love. Thankfully, the operation didn’t require me to participate in any Dutch Ovens,” concluded Vaughters.

The intelligence and information gathered by “Undercover Vaughters” has been forwarded to the UCI Independent Commission and to WADA. Both organizations confirmed they were reviewing the materials.

After his outstanding undercover work, Vaughters has been offered a role on the CCNN-TV show produced by Cyclismas. Jonny Gunn, anchor for the broadcast, conducts his own segment entitled “Undercover Gunn,” exposing the seedy underworld of cycling. Gunn has proposed to Vaughters that they join forces to form “G & V Undercover Adventures.” There was no word at press time if this venture was moving forward.

The decision was reached after the UCI came under fire for granting WorldTour status to the race that had never, never, never been run before  despite the long list of requests from other races for WorldTour status – including Strade Bianche and the Amgen Tour of California.

“Look, we make the decisions when it comes to professional cycling. We have the best eyes to see what is best for the sport overall. China is important to us for a variety of reasons, especially for Hein Verbruggen. What we do is our business, and frankly, other organisers who cry foul can stuff it,” commented UCI President Pat McQuaid.

Happier times for Hangzhou as Verbruggen watches over McQuaid signing the agreement with representatives back in March of this year. No reason was ever given for Verbruggen’s appearance, but his involvement has prompted whispers of corruption.

“After all, I spent 20 years toiling in the trenches to get to this spot. I am entitled to personally profit from this sport after all the blood, sweat and tears I put into this godforsaken two-wheeled hell hole,” McQuaid continued.

When it was pointed out that decisions from the UCI should be made by the executive committee and not McQuaid exclusively, the president responded.

“Look, I don’t care if the UCI Constitutions says the executive committee is supposed to be making decisions, or the UCI management committee is supposed to be consulted. This is the way Hein ran the programme. It worked for him. And by God it’s working for me,” issued a tight-lipped McQuaid.

However, all is not rosy for the organization when it comes to the Tour of Hangzhou. As reported by Chinese media last week, as of July certain contracts for Hangzhou-based companies promised by the UCI hadn’t come through, making the government uneasy about the ability of the UCI to follow through with their commitments based upon “substantial” payments to the UCI for the WorldTour designation. The UCI refused to comment on those payments, and refused to acknowledge they existed.

“It’s none of your business,” stated McQuaid.

When asked about Global Cycling Promotion’s balance sheet and why the UCI still hasn’t presented a transparent accounting of the entity’s actions (as it is supposedly part of a not-for profit governing body with a responsibility to share its endeavours with its constituents), McQuaid was again agitated.

“It’s none of your fooking business. We’re done. Fook off,” McQuaid sputtered, hanging up the phone.

Both AIGCP boss Jonathan Vaughters and CPA boss Gianni Bugno refused to comment or speculate on the decision.

Anonymous team managers were not pleased by the cancellation news. Due to the huge expense of sending riders to China, many noted it was hardly worthwhile to send riders to the only remaining race there – the Tour of Beijing – and were pondering a boycott.

Another anonymous team manager mused that with the “imminent death of the Armstrong Cabal in Aigle,” Beijing might not even be in existence in 2013, pending the rumoured inquiries into UCI activities.