Froome takes a call from prime minister David Cameron, allegedly imploring him to “slow the hell down.” (AP photo)

After numerous cries from Wiggins to “Slow the f**k down, you c**t,” Brailsford jumped on the race radio to talk Froome into throttling back in order to save Wiggins the embarrassment of losing time to his lieutenant.

“We’ve put millions into creating the perfect Bradley. Millions upon millions. This project is about putting Great Britain at the pinnacle of cycling in our moment of Olympic glory. Brad is an Olympic track champion, and our technology should put him not only on the top step at the Tour, but also at the Olympics. He is the perfect marketing machine for continuing Great Britain’s cycling dominance, and I’m not going to let anyone or anything derail those plans,” commented Brailsford,”We have music deals. We have massive Fred Perry deals pending. We have a huge Adidas campaign ready. Why else would we have those sideburns on the mod?”

Brailsford went on to admit those plans were in jeopardy the moment über lieutenant Chris Froome began to pull away, in spite of Wiggins’ best attempts to keep pace and even as Brailsford radioed to rein in the naturally-talented climber from the team car. He took the extraordinary step of calling Prime Minister Cameron to talk sense into Froome. Froome was taken aback by the sound of Cameron on his race radio, and put his hand up to his ear to confirm that it was, in fact, the leader of the United Kingdom pleading with him to stop.

“It was quite flattering to have the PM telling me to think of my country, to think of my roots, and to think of all the little Brits who are desperately looking for a role model like Brad. Of course I told him that I was born in Kenya, and after that all I heard was a startling giant fuzz in my ear,” stated Froome, “Still, I didn’t want to anger English Parliament. After all, look what they did to Julian Assange.”

Froome seemed to have “compromised” his intentions by only taking two seconds away from the king of the mod mopers, but still made a strong statement to Team Sky brass and GB cycling officials that the young superstar wasn’t to be trifled with in any shape or form.

“Froome is a great candidate for our 2016 programme. He’ll just have to bide his time and allow Bradley to pass the torch when he is ready to do so. It’s only fair. Brad has been in our GB cycling mafia since he was a young lad. Froome is a newcomer. We have a hierachy, and we must follow that hierachy,” commented GB cycling head Brian Cookson.

Several expert cycling pundits, including Lionel J. Birnie, weighed in with their thoughts.

“Brailsford’s ruining the Tour like he ruined the GB track programme. Thank God we had Chris Hoy to save us there. Maybe Froome can do the same if he tells Brailsford to take a long walk off a short pier and attacks in the Pyrenées,” surmised Birnie.

Whatever the outcome of the Tour de France may be, rest assured all eyes in the corridors of British power will be watching the results with calculated interest, hoping for a fitting culmination to careful planning, careful science, careful public relations, and careful marketing.

Hoy raised the roof of the velodrome after his double golds in the Keirin final and Sprint final. Will he be the next UCI president? (photo courtesy of BBC)

“Nevermind that kid from the Isle of Man, this knight of the realm is the real deal. He is the savior for worldwide cycling. I declare that Sir Chris Hoy will challenge Pat McQuaid for the UCI presidency after his victorious Olympics,” a visibly excited Cookson managed to spit out.

When pressed on the subject, Cookson was open regarding his disdain for the current management of the sport.

“Look, I sit on this ridiculous committee that might as well be 14 stones sitting around a boardroom with the biggest rock McQuaid at the head of the table. Do we get an opinion? Absolutely not. In fact Igor [Makarov, Team Katusha owner] had to buy the European Cycling Federation just to get Pat’s attention. That’s 14 votes that Pat needs to get re-elected. Is that the kind of organization we should have?” ranted Cookson as he continued, “Enough of the cronyism in Aigle. Today, London showed everyone where cycling belongs. In the hands of the fans and the athletes. It has been an amazing two days.”

Sir Hoy was initially taken aback by Cookson’s statements, but after listening to the rant, offered his take.

“I agree with Brian that the sport needs to change. Women in the sport are unhappy, and resorting to name calling. The pro road folks have to traipse across the globe 12 months of the year to race now, and mountain biking is pretty much ignored. If it weren’t for England and the Revolution UK series, track cycling would be dead in the water. Maybe I should give the git a run for his money,” concluded Hoy.

The Olympic Test Event in London was an eye opener for the UCI, however, as UCI president Pat McQuaid spent most of his three days in the Velodrome glad-handing VIPs in the bowels of the stadium, avoiding the crowds, the athletes, and members of the London Olympic Committee. He even ate the entire buffet of sushi, which led to Lionel J. Birnie taking to Twitter to complain. When asked about how he would fare against Hoy in a presidential campaign, McQuaid was candid.

“Looks like his samples may have to make a slight detour. Oopsie,” burbled McQuaid as tipped back another pint of Guinness.

Noted Sir Chris Hoy archivist Nick Hussey, CEO of Vulpine cycling clothing, offered his expert analysis on Hoy’s bid for UCI president, “He’d win by a landslide. I think the federations are finally fed up with that fat prat Pat, and Hoy has the intelligence, the looks, and the charm to turn cycling into the top sport on the planet.  The UCI is about promotion, and who better to promote the sport, give the federations their voice back, and liaise with the roadies? It’s Hoy. No question. I love the man.”

No doubt British cycling fans will be rejoicing at the coming Olympics after Sir Hoy’s dominating performances at the World Track Cup, and as one anonymous fan concluded, “I hope that Hoy follows through to save our sport from that obese corrupt despot.”