That was how many of us reacted when watching Sebastian Vettel’s shifty overtaking manoeuvre on Red Bull team-mate Mark Webber to defy team orders coming over race radio and take a controversial win in Formula One’s Malaysian GP on Sunday.

“Multi 21, Seb. Multi 21.” These were the only words Webber – incandescent with rage – said to Vettel in the drivers’ room after the bad-tempered race, thought to be a reference to the Red Bull team code for holding station (a technical motorsporting term for ‘not racing’).

“What part of Multi 21, Seb, Multi 21 didn’t you get? ” (Photograph: Hoch Zwei/Corbis)

Perhaps, back in July last year when Chris Froome was riding hard on the final climb to Peyragudes in stage 17, it was a similar radio order that saw the Sky super-domestique check his speed and slow for team leader Bradley Wiggins.

“Multi 21, Chris. Multi 21. Chris, Multi 21!” the order would have come through the earpiece on the three occasions young buck Froome opened up a tantalising gap over the yellow jersey of the veteran trying to hold his wheel.

Hours after Vettel put points before friends and team morale, Sky were going about their usual business of pretty much bleeding everyone else dry on the final two climbs of the day on the deciding stage of the Criterium International.

“People get carried away with the whole machine/robot kind of thing but at the end of the day, they are human beings,” said Sky manager Dave Brailsford a fortnight ago after Tirreno-Adriatico.

And yet, there were Sky doing their best not to de-humanise the race by setting what most French-language websites describe as an “infernal” pace. Joe Dombrowski, Jon Tiernan-Locke, Xabi Zandio and Kostanstin Siutsou all pulled hard on the front to chase down a break that included – rarity of rarities – Andy Schleck.

Then, Vasil Kiryienka – a new recruit from Movistar over the off-season – was in no way machine-like or robotic in decimating the field “to get us to that point where Froomey and I can attack at the end,” as described by Richie Porte, who had taken the race lead on Saturday after a second time trial victory in as many weeks.

Best buddies Porte and Froome rode hard together before there was a potential Vettel-Webber moment when last year’s Tour de France runner-up put in a huge dig and dropped the yellow jersey – before riding off into the sunset up the Col de l’Ospedale to take the stage and overall victory.

New BFFs Chris Froome and Richie Porte (Image: skysports.com)

Tasmanian Porte finished with a flourish to secure a double one-two for Sky – in both the stage and on GC. It was a job well done which “panned out more or less how we expected,” according to Froome. Porte agreed. “Tactically we were spot on today,” he said without any rancour at having lost the maillot jaune to his team-mate.

“The only important thing was that Team Sky won today. It’s always special to get a one-two on the podium, especially given the strength of the field we had here, and we’re super happy.”

One-twos are becoming something of a habit for Sky following their performance in the 2012 Tour and now here in Corsica. In fact, one-twos are becoming so old hat that expectations have grown.

According to a top secret source – a former adjoint sous chef currently on an 80-day rolling contract to source the best pasta and rice grains ahead of the Giro next month – Sky have visions of turning entire podiums black and blue and Rapha-hued.

“We all know that the original plan at Sky was ‘to create the first British winner of the Tour de France within five years’,” said the deputy chef’s assistant.

“Now, the use of the verb ‘create’ is a bit unfortunate there – especially for a team management bent on discrediting the notion that its riders can be built and programmed like robots – or, if you will, created like some kind of gastronomic dish.

“Anyway, I digress. They downgraded that aim to simply winning the Tour within five years – wholly needlessly, it turned out, because a British rider (albeit one created in Belgium) did manage to do that within a couple of years.”

Seeing two riders on the top rungs of the podium in Paris gave the ambitious Brailsford new ideas.

“They all went off and did the Olympics, tra la la, but it was clear that Dave was planning his next move. Which is quite simple: to have three – and not two – Sky riders on the podium in the Tour.”

The plan for July is for friends Froome and Porte to top the podium and Wiggins to take the third rung after himself winning the Giro (ideally ahead of Colombians Rigoberto Uran and Sergio Henao).

“It may sound crazy,” said the culinary source, “but actually that’s just the start of it. The ultimate aim is to send an entire nine-man team to the Tour and to place them in the top ten. That’s why Cavendish was flogged – they tried to test out his climbing ability last year, but Tim Kerrison decided that Cav couldn’t swim very well and was definitely never top-ten material and so wholly surplus to requirements.”

Is a Sky top ten in the future? (Image: skysports.com)

As such, the likes of Dario Cataldo, Uran and Henao are being conditioned to ride so ably as super-domestiques that they place themselves in the top ten by dint of everyone else in the peloton being completely shanked after three weeks of hell.

“You could say the Colombians and Darius – as we call him in the kitchen – are being groomed for their roles. In fact, chez Sky we actually call it being ‘froomed’ now.”

Such lofty ambitions bordering on the dictatorial have not made Brailsford lose his sense of humour, however.

“Dave had a bet with Sean Yates that, whoever the other rider is who finishes in the top ten alongside our nine boys, Sky will sign – regardless of his team or cost, provided his provenance checks out okay and he’s not mates with Bobby Julich.

“But you see, that’s what will make the whole thing exciting and keep the suspense going right to the end.”

In his latest column for Cyclismas, Blazin’ Saddles drops the wise-cracking facade and has a go at actually writing something vaguely serious…

Saddleblaze has a confession to make: he didn’t actually watch the 9.6km deciding time trial up the Col d’Eze in Paris-Nice. He was busy moving house and doing chores – but it came as no surprise when he saw that the rubber-faced Tasmanian Richie Porte had picked up both the stage win and the overall victory.

Later, once the dust had settled – or snow, if you’re a UK resident – Saddles had a trawl through his feed on Twitter to gauge the public reaction following Team Sky’s latest stage race victory. One tweet in particular stood out, and sparked a huge ding-dong debate.

With reference to Porte’s victorious ride over Andrew Talansky in the ITT, SuzeCY aka @festinagirl wrote:

23″ that’s a HUGE winning margin

— SuzeCY (@festinagirl) March 10, 2013

Respected cycling scribe and bouffant extraordinaire Daniel Friebe (@friebos) replied with a typically measured and insightful tweet:

@festinagirl Huge? Fairly standard. Poulidor beats Merckx by ’22 in 69, Michel Laurent by ’30 in 76, Roche by ’32 (from Indurain) in 89 etc

— Daniel Friebe (@friebos) March 10, 2013

And so sparked a war of words and opinions that rose up and down more ferociously than the raging seas in the terrible George Clooney film, The Perfect Storm (spoiler: they all die).

“Imagine what he’ll be like when he loses some weight,” quipped @festinagirl with reference to the portly Australian’s slightly tubby build.

@daveno7 wow, how fast will he go when he’s dropped a few pounds?

— SuzeCY (@festinagirl) March 10, 2013

She then dug up some stats from last year’s identical time trial up the Col d’Eze:

@friebos Wiggins, an acknowledged TTer, could only beat Westra by 2″ – Porte smashed the rest of the field without trying

— SuzeCY (@festinagirl) March 10, 2013

Having since watched the highlights of the final stage, Saddles can pretty much vouch that Porte’s efforts were not exactly in line with someone “not trying.” But for the sake of being an omniscient narrator here, Saddles will keep out of the argument. Besides, as @paddyjim threw into the ring, Wiggins did pick up a puncture during his winning ride last year, so those two seconds are kind of misleading.

“True but winning margin to 10th last year was just over 1min, winning margin to 3rd today was 1min 20+ secs – huge gaps,” returned @festinagirl, perhaps confusing the overall GC time gaps with those on the day (third place Nairo Quintana was 23 seconds down and the 10th place rider was 1:06 in arrears – that’s to say, “just over 1min”).

“You really think 23′ in a 20 minute race is a huge margin? In that case 1min is necessarily suspicious in a 55km TT. Come on,” replied an exasperated @friebos.

At this stage, a third party – ACF aka @Acycling_fan – entered the ring with a typically opinionated statement:

@friebos @festinagirl lets cut to the chase. Skys performances hav been US POSTAL style. guys who couldnt climb 1 yr are awesome the next yr

— ACF (@ACycling_fan) March 10, 2013

“Like? Some, not all, have certainly improved. They’ve also gone from leading teams to riding as domestiques,” replied @friebos, matter-of-factly.

“Where was Porte a team leader?” asked @festinagirl, forgetting Porte’s breakthrough seventh place in the 2010 Giro while at Saxo Bank. “Sure, Sky super doms have potential to lead elsewhere but that’s not unique to Sky.”

“Enough. We know what you think,” said @friebos, clearly eager to call time on a futile session of Sunday evening verbal fencing (after all, the final episode of gripping ITV drama, Mr Selfridge, was about to begin).

But the author of Mountain High and Eddy Merckx: The Cannibal couldn’t resist one final jab of the epée. “You have 7000 followers. Free to say what you like, but that’s a big audience to tell that someone is a fraud.”

This clearly got up the nose of the Prosecution’s tag-teamer @Acycling_fan, who jumped in with a seemingly personal jibe:

@friebos @festinagirl dan, you can keep the public stupid, just like the cycling press did for so Many years with Lance

— ACF (@ACycling_fan) March 10, 2013

“Simply not true. 95% of those who read cycling press had drawn correct conclusion about LA,” said the Defence, standing his ground.

At this point in proceedings, SBS young buck Al Hinds, who has followed the career of Porte intently since his time as cub reporter at Cyclingnews, pinged one off in support of the curly-haired Friebe:

@friebos @acycling_fan @festinagirl save yourself the pain mate. Not worth it.

— Alexander Hinds (@al_hinds) March 10, 2013

Clearly irate, the embittered @Acycling_fan came back with another fierce jab below the belt: “Well done Alex, keep the Omertà strong.”

Re-entering the room after perhaps warming up some dinner in the microwave (Findus Crispy Lasagne, allegedly), @festinagirl took @friebos to account with his comment about her misleading her lavish hoard of followers on Twitter.

“Not sure what your point is? All views are my own as are yours, presumably?” came the reply, prompting Britain’s leading young cycling journalist into a staunch defence of his own journalistic integrity: “I don’t and can’t print libellous supposition. We’re bound by same rules (no, laws) on here, or should be.”

There followed a long silence from the Prosecution. Once the case was taken back up, there seemed to be a marked shift from insinuations of doping to accusations of boredom-inducement and suffocation of the mystique.

As if it wasn’t enough for Porte to become the first Australian to win Paris-Nice while taking the queen’s stage mountain-top finish as well as the final uphill time trial, the Tasmanian was being chastised for doing it in a robotic and dour fashion.

Richie Porte ‘not trying’ up the Col d’Eze (Photo: AFP)

Anyway, time for Saddles to join the fray. Your humble cycling blogger finds the whole verbal spat rather irksome – and entirely symptomatic of the climate brought on by years of lies and shattered dreams.

But here’s the thing.

All cycling fans are allowed to be suspicious, for sure, but it’s getting out of hand when any admirable performance is greeted with a mass of jeers – a general wave of discontent that has the power to spread much faster in an era where Twitter reigns supreme, where everyone is a journalist and yet doesn’t feel they still have to adhere to the same moral framework the profession requires.

Given what happened before with Armstrong, brushes, and carpets, it’s become highly fashionable now for people – whether big or small – to throw the book at any performance that outdoes the other lesser performances on the day. There seems to be a consensus amongst a growing majority that no riders can improve without drugs; that riding “intelligently” is just another way of being “better prepared”; that Team Sky’s dominance is clearly a case of Groundhog Day.

It seems to Saddles that there are too many nihilistic iconoclasts out there bent on becoming the next Paul Kimmage. (You could say, even, that Paul Kimmage is bent on becoming the next Paul Kimmage – or at least a v2.0 Paul Kimmage – but that’s an entirely different tangent.)

Some cycling fans are distrusting of everything not through any measured thought, but on principle (but without principle). They’re doing it by default just so they can say – should something emerge at a later date – that they told you so. It’s a no-lose situation for them. Team Sky don’t get caught out – the suspicion still lingers; they do – hey, I told you so.

Granted, it’s probably not enough for many fans to take things on trust anymore. But by the same token, it’s not right for default suspicions to precede any form of appreciation of training methods, hard work, dedication and professionalism.

Yes, there’s a chance that Sky are US Postal mark two – but there’s also a much more likely chance that they are Sky mark one and are precisely what has emerged from the ashes of the American team.

With the top end of cycling relying pretty much on covert doping operations for nigh-on two decades, there was certainly a window of opportunity for a team coming in with advanced training methods centred around squad cohesion, teamwork, and marginal gains.

Yes, it’s not to everyone’s liking (the 2012 Tour de France was a dire spectacle, to be sure) but it’s damned effective.

“There’s no secret,” said Chris Froome after taking the Tirreno-Adriatico leader’s blue jersey over the border on Sunday. “It’s just continuing to work the way we worked in the last few years: training, measuring the training, and going back and doing it again. There’s not too much to it. It’s about getting the basics right.”

Vincenzo Nibali would agree – the Italian telling reporters on Sunday that he “paid a price for the infernal rhythm of Froome’s team in the finale.”

As for Porte, his time at Sky is “totally different” from his stint at Saxo Bank. “There is no other team training as hard as we do,” he confirmed. “The proof is in the pudding.”

(Photo: Getty Images)

Sky, it seems, have it sorted out. They have a roll call of GC riders – Wiggins, Froome, Porte – all ably supported by an interchangeable array of super-domestiques. The likes of Lopez, Uran, Henao, Cataldo, Zandio, Siutsou, and Kiryienka can all do a job if called upon – and that’s not even mentioning the classics riders and all-rounders like Thomas and Boasson-Hagen.

It is any surprise that Sky are so strong with such strength in depth and advanced training?

Yes, many of us share @festinagirl’s views when she says she’d much prefer watching riders like Voigt and Voeckler than a group of black-and-blue clad warriors dialing in the required wattage into their powermeters and riding to a programme.

But riders like Voeckler and Voigt are a dying breed. Besides, most of the ones we came to love over the past couple of decades had precisely the kind of preparatory help that many are so quick to accuse Sky of employing.

Fans need to be more realistic. By all means, be cynical – but do so for a reason and not merely in protest. Omertà is one thing, but a persistent finger-pointing and unmeasured hounding is just as bad.

Serenity now: Cavendish finds time to explore a burgeoning career as a landscape artist painting beautiful scenery. (image by photopress.be via cyclingnews.com)

“I have to admit, it’s been a bit difficult adjustment for me at OPQS after a year of absolute trials and tribulations. I’ve had to come up with another hobby to occupy my time,” stated the British superstar at a pre-Tirreno Adriatico press conference in Donoratico.

Last year Cavendish had a challenging season of excessive team infighting with his childhood mate Brad Wiggins. The turmoil culminated with Team Sky former directeur sportif Sean Yates stating over the radio at the Tour de France, “Who the f**k cares where Cavendish is right now, he can fetch bottles until the Champs.”

“Every day there was something new that I had to respond to on Twitter, or a phone call I had to field, or stupid questions I had to answer about riders from the tainted era, all because Brad couldn’t play nice with the press,” commented Cavendish.

The Manxman had to cope with juggling not only the demands of being one of the sprinting superstars of the sport, but also how to deal with a lack of internal team support when Sky principal and Doctor Evil doppelgänger David Brailsford elected to give his all in achieving the goals of Bradley Wiggins.

“I didn’t even get one of those superbikes like Brad rode at the Olympics. Thank goodness they didn’t put me on bottle duty at the last minute during the road race. It was touch and go for awhile, but they still screwed me up for any chance of a medal,” commented the Manx Missile.

With that chapter closed, Cavendish has taken up painting to fill the gaps.

“Since I don’t have to deal with all those team politics anymore, life has been pretty easy. In fact, with all this free time from not having to be on the phone constantly, I’ve had time to learn how to paint landscapes. It’s been quite therapeutic. Plus, Boonen has been fun to cook with when he comes over to my place,” continued Cavendish.

Cavendish’s new benefactor, Zdenek Bakala, noted how talented Cavendish has become as a painter.

“It’s quite possible the challenges Mark faced last year have taught him the patience to become an accomplished artist. His latest work has garnered the attention of art critics in London who were very impressed with his technique and subject matter,” stated Bakala.

Cavendish is thoroughly pleased with his new hobby and the ability to spend more time with his family without having to satisfy the “ridiculous” media requirements of Team Sky. He also hopes to be able to rekindle his sprint rivalry with Andre Greipel at Tirreno.

“Both Andre and I are tranquillo now. It’s almost as good as our time at HTC with Bob (Stapleton). I’m looking forward to us dueling at Tirreno. I’m also pleased I’m doing the Italian races this year, as I don’t think I could handle awful French food this early in the season,” concluded Cavendish.

The first stage of Tirreno-Adriatico  kicks off Wednesday with a team time trial on the picturesque coast of Italy just south of Pisa.

One would say Bradley Wiggins and Chris Froome were chewing the fat – but there wasn’t much blubber on display. These two men look lean and mean as they approach a new season with a huge weight of expectation on their narrow, bony shoulders.

The long and unruly mop adorning Wiggins’ head was mirrored by the shorter and more severe closely-cropped fuzz of Froome – the army-style cut perhaps an act of defiance on the face of things. (Quite where that puts Brailsford, with his own bald pate, is anyone’s guess.)

The mop vs. the buzz (Getty image)

A few blocks down the road from the swanky hotel that is Team Sky’s winter training base was the spot where a topless post-Olympics Wiggins was photographed, half-cut, crouching on a kerb with a fag in his mouth back in those heady days of August.

The only fag on display five months later in January was Froome himself.

After all – in the British private school system, a “fag” does indeed denote a younger pupil required to perform certain menial tasks for an older pupil of higher class. Such tasks can include warming loo seats, toasting crumpets or – in the case of Froome – fetching bidons and withstanding the bullying from the boys from other schools while protecting his institution’s Head Boy through thick and thin.

(Conservative Prime Minister David Cameron’s fag, incidentally, is how the British media cruelly – albeit deliciously – portray Nick Clegg, the Liberal Democrat leader and other half of the faltering coalition government.)

Should Sky want to top the school tables this year for Headmaster Brailsford, they will have to hope their own coalition delivers the goods – and former fag Froome was quick to remind reporters out in Majorca last week of his leadership qualities.

“I was a Prefect at school,” he said with a grin, clearly eager to clear any doubts as to who will be whipping the cane this season for the Rapha-clad road racers.

School prefect trumps Alpha mod?

Froome stressed he was “100% certain” of his position as Sky’s team leader for this year’s 100th edition of the Tour de France. Wiggins may be the team’s Alpha male – but Froome the Beta rider has his heart set on being a Rapha world-beater in 2013.

Asked whether or not he expected the loyalty he showed to Wiggins to be repaid come July, Froome again played the percentages card. “100%,” he replied. “The team’s success depends on that – that everyone buys into that plan. If everyone’s off doing their own thing it’s going to be a circus.”

Going off and doing his own thing is the preferred means of functioning for Wiggo the circus master, who notoriously loves to train alone with only the laptop of Tim Kerrison, Sky’s Head of Performance Support, as a companion.

While Froome is adamant that “this year, our roles will be reversed and he’ll be doing the job for me,” Wiggins for his part only admits that “the likelihood is that Chris will be the leader and I will be there in a supporting role.”

The knighted bicycle rider did enough to suggest that all was not plain sailing in the Sky camp by underlining he still harbours a strong desire to win the Tour again. “It may be this year, it may be next year,” Wiggins said, cryptically.

Indeed, despite all the bullish talk from Froome, rumours of late suggest that Kerrison, Sky’s numbers man, is secretly convinced that Wiggins can use the Giro to his benefit and arrive in Corsica for the Tour’s grand depart even stronger than last year. So while Froome is currently being touted as Sky’s trump card, things could pan out very differently when the pair meet up in the school playground.

If this Morcambe & Wise comedy sideshow wasn’t enough as it is, imagine how it would have been had Vincenzo Nibali made it a right Goon Show by joining Sky back in 2010. This, admitted the new Astana rider in an interview last week, is indeed what the Italian regretted he had not done.

“Do I wish I’d signed? It was a new team and I was looking forward to being part of a big international team. Yes, I wish I’d been able to ride for them then,” Nibali said.

Of course, quite what would have happened to Nibali – who did after all win the Vuelta in 2010 with Liquigas – had he joined Sky is anyone’s guess. In fact, quite what would have happened to Sky is perhaps just as pertinent a question.

Had he joined at the team’s inception, would Nibali have have adopted the Froome role as Wiggo’s fag – or would Team Sky’s first grand tour winner have been an Italian (albeit one coerced into growing his sideburns and uttering cockneyed profanities like a pizza parlour waiter in Clerkenwell)?

Chris Froome in the 2008 Tour de France (image by Bettini courtesy of Cyclingnews)

Back in 2010 nobody could have expected the meteoric rise of Froome, the former Barloworld rider who for years battled against a rare African parasitic disease of the blood; a rider who, nevertheless, according to The Guardian newspaper on Saturday, “showed real potential” in 2008 when “competing on Alpe d’Huez against a formidable climber and doper in Denis Menchov.”

Such accusatory vernacular was a bit gung-ho for even The Guardian, which quickly amended its online version of the article to downgrade Menchov to a plain old “formidable climber” – no doubt following a quick call from the Silent Assassin’s lawyers. (And there we were thinking that the Operacion Puerto trial wasn’t due to open for a couple of days…)

Anyway, back to Nibali and his hypothetical position in Sky. Given what has happened over the past couple of seasons – Froome’s rise coupled with Wiggins’s wins – the Italian probably would have found his way to Astana this season anyway.

As it is, like he was in the 2012 Tour, Nibali will be one of Wiggins’ main opponents in the Giro this May. But the question remains: will Wiggo ride the Giro all-out to win, or with a view to taking his form into the Tour as Sky’s star pupil?

“I’m a reasonable guy. I’m not a dictator,” claimed Wiggo last week in Majorca. From the unchained subject sitting next to him, was there a perceptible frown from Froome?

Sources close to Saddles have revealed that affable Giro general dictator Michele Acquarone is “moving heaven and earth” to ensure the presence of last year’s Tour de France winner in this year’s Giro.

It has already been widely reported that the inclusion of more than 90 time trial kilometres in the 2013 Giro route was brought about with the primary function of attracting Wiggo’s gaze. Now it emerges that this profligacy of against-the-clock machismo marked the symbolic first incidence of long-time Wiggins suitor Acquarone – known by his friends as ‘The Peacock’ – fanning his feathers.

In short, it was the first of many coquettish advances performed in a bid to wantonly woo Wiggins.

“It all started during the Tour last year. We were watching the second time trial in Giro HQ and Michele was entranced by Bradley’s pedal strokes,” said Saddles’ source (not to be confused with Saddle Sauce™ – a brand of bespoke chamois cream).

“At first there was serious consideration given into hosting the opening stage of the Giro in Wiggo’s birth town of Ghent but when that became impossible Michele was quick to suggest Naples.”

The Mediterranean seaside city was selected primarily because it is hoped that the volcanic peak of Vesuvius will remind Wiggins of his training rides in the shadow of Mount Tiede on Tenerife.

Naples is also said to be the favourite Italian city of the singer Paul Weller, with whom Wiggins often jams on his guitar. The pair are currently recording a song set for release in spring.

“When Michele heard about Wiggins and Weller, he went all weak at the knees. ‘We must get them to record the Giro’s official song – now that’s entertainment,’ he told us all in a dream-like stupor.”

Soon after the 2013 route was disclosed, Acquarone and his team announced that Wiggins’ close friend, the British designer Sir Paul Smith, would be designing the Giro’s fabled pink jersey.

The prospect of Sir Bradley Wiggins mounting a podium to put on a special maglia rosa designed by Sir Paul Smith is mouthwatering. Riding the crest of a wave, Acquarone is said to be in favour of approaching British comedians Paul Whitehouse and Mark Williams to record a one-off version of their “Suits you, Sir” sketch from The Fast Show.

“If that wasn’t enough, Michele has even put in a request with Johnny Depp’s publicist for the actor to reprise his guest role from the last ever episode of the series,” said the source. “Apparently Depp is a bigger cycling fan than both Robin Williams and Ben Stiller combined.”

While details of the 2013 Giro opening ceremony are still under wraps, it has leaked that Wiggins has been approached to ring a bell to sound the start of the three-week festival of cycling. This is but one of many movements being carried out to make sure Wiggins feels he is being accommodated, nay groomed, as the official face of the race.

Following her electric on-screen chemistry with Wiggins at the BBC Sports Personality of the Year award in London late last year, veteran reporter Susan Barker has reportedly been given a gig as one of the race’s podium girls. A video of Wiggins and Barker eating Italian spaghetti in the style of the hit Disney cartoon Lady And The Tramp is also in the offing, as is a limited edition t-shirt made out of purple velours, designed by Fred Perry and adorned with the catchphrase ‘Look, Susan’.

All male race staff – including the Carabinieri – are being encouraged to grow their sideburns in a bid to pay their respects to the man Acquarone is hoping will succeed Ryder Hesjedal as the maglia rosa in Brescia on 26th May. Meanwhile, Team Sky will be given special dispensation to fill their musettes with McDonald’s burgers to stave off any bonking in the mountains.

It doesn’t stop at making Wiggins simply feel at home. In fact, the latest raft of rumours seem to indicate that Acquarone and his team are also bent on giving Wiggins a sporting advantage during the race.

As such, Fabian Cancellara is likely to be banned from the race, while steps are being taken to ensure that Tony Martin suffers a nasty fall in the opening week, whereby eliminating Wiggins’ principal threats for the all-important time trials.

Acquarone was also the driving force behind Katusha not receiving a wild-card invite for the race. “He thought that the last thing the race needed was Joaquim Rodriguez pushing for the pink jersey,” said Saddles’ source.

Complicated measures have been taken to ensure that the route never passes nearby petrol station forecourts for fear of Wiggins colliding with rogue drivers.

It is also thought that an online “Froome Fund” has been set up by Acquarone to make sure that Wiggins’ favoured right-hand man is on hand to guide him up the Galibier. Only once this job has been done will Froome be allowed to retire from the race and concentrate on his preparations for the Tour de France.

“Michele isn’t only offering Chris money. He’s pulled the strings with some of his well-connected friends in London: Froome will be honoured with a Victoria Cross for self-sacrifice on the battlefield in the 2013 New Year’s honours list.”

Talking of honours, it is said to be Acquarone’s bizarre infatuation with not only being responsible for helping Wiggins make history, but also making history himself, that is proving his most steely motivation.

“Michele has it in his head that should Wiggo win the Giro one year after he wins the Tour, he’ll be in line for a peerage. He wants to be the man who will be remembered in the history books as being the principal contributor to Wiggins’ upgrading from a Sir to a Lord. This might sound odd, but I believe he fancies himself as a type of honorary Italian Austin Powers type figure – but with better teeth,” added the source with a whisper.

Acquarone offered no comment when approached by Saddleblaze about these allegations. He did, however, stress his disappointment that Katusha’s absence from the race would deprive fans of the chance to see Denis Menchov in action.

When quizzed about the choice of wildcards for the race, Acquarone said the decision had been a difficult one and hoped that next year a new system will jazz things up a little. Acquarone is said to be in favour of seven wild cards joining 15 ProTour teams, with a public fan vote deciding just who makes the cut.

“He already told us about his plans to produce a Saturday night reality TV game show called ‘Who Wants To Be A Giro Wildcard?’ which will be presented by Silvio Berlusconi’s new wife,” confirmed the source.

One thing’s for sure, with Michele Acquarone at the helm, things are rarely boring. Which is why, quite frankly, his efforts to make Wiggins the face of the Giro is just so very baffling…

The negotiations involve concerns from Rapha over Wiggins’ behavior during press interactions, and also his public displays of intoxication – including most recently the post-SPOTY awards ceremony where the newly-knighted modster was seen satiating his McDonalds munchies at 5 am in the morning.

“We understand your concerns, and we will do our best to ensure Wiggins refrains from foul language while wearing any clothing which displays the Rapha brand. We emphasize with your desire to retain a snooty/moody feel of your marketing efforts, and will review your conduct clause requirements specifically engineered for the soon-to-be announced Sir Wiggins,” stated one email from an anonymous Team Sky marketing division member.

A second email from Wiggins himself contained his comments to the Team Sky marketing staffer, who in turn forwarded them on to Rapha. “Would it make you c**ts happy if I whipped off my kit at press conferences first, stood f**king naked, and then fired off a couple of blue word bombs? Are you f**king kidding me? I’m a g**damned knight-in-waiting you stupid c**ts,” stated a more colorful section of the email.

The final email in the chronology shows Rapha’s attempt to have Team Sky agree to certain performance standards while wearing the kit, including words which were permissable for Wiggins to use, including the following:

bastard(s)

bitch(es) both as a noun and verb

arsehole(s)

prick(s)

twat(s)

shite, shitestorm, shitehead, shite-stained, shiterag, shite rider(s)

The Rapha team also suggested alternative words for Wiggins’ three favourite curse words, which the Rapha team found offensive, and offered a £10 bounty every time Wiggins used the euphemisms, plus a free Rapha t-shirt to give away to whomever he chose. The preferred Rapha variations were “eff” (and variations including “effing”), “wonker,” and “bunts.” Rapha went so far as to offer a t-shirt mock up with Wiggins’ Rich Mitchelson caricature and the word “wonker” to sell via Wiggins’ foundation.

(photo: Rapha.cc)

Pundits weren’t surprised by Rapha’s maneuvering. “Look, the company is taking a big risk with Team Sky and Sir Wiggins’ escapades. They could undo five years of careful brand crafting with one misplaced tirade by the moody superstar. I think Rapha is better served using Eisel, Froome, or Porte as poster children for the brand. They’re more educated and a better reflection of the morals and ethics of the luxury cycling brand,” stated a journalist who may or may not resemble Velo’s Matt Beaudin.

Rapha and Team Sky both refused to comment on the leaked emails. Sir Wiggins was typically unavailable for comment as our query did not go through designated media handlers Richard Moore or William Fotheringham.

Follow along with the crew on Twitter: @RippFinklemann, @theJonnyGunn, @CyclismasMercer, @saddleblaze. Follow show updates on Twitter @CCNN_TV.

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Ah yes. Wine. Espresso. Biscotti. Pasta Bolognese. Beautiful women.

What are my good sensations for this year’s Giro? Well, thankfully, there haven’t been any evil spectres or nasty foreshadowing of any doping positives prior to the start in Denmark. No, instead, the head gnomes from Aigle have sent out legal man Philippe Vebriest and mouthpiece Stephen Roche to ensure your thoughts on the UCI are top of mind.

I must say, however, I’m mightily disappointed with Michele Acquarone and the boys at RCS Sport for one reason, and one reason only. No Danilo di Luca.

di Luca is synonymous with the Giro. “The Killer” has made every edition in which he appeared an exciting spectacle. His unending attacks, his tireless efforts, and his dynamite hair are going to be sorely missed in this year’s extravaganza. Of course, there are always sacrifices that need to be made for the greater good. Yes, the Giro has decided to embrace a broader range of teams. Some of those selections have angered the tifosi, but hey, they are a forgiving lot. After all, they haven’t held any real grudges against Davide Rebellin nor Silvio Berlusconi.

We are all saddened by the lack of Di Luca at this year's Giro (photo courtesy of Acqua & Sapone)

So what can we expect from this year’s battle for the hallowed maglia rosa?

For starters, Johan Bruyneel will be seeing the career-dissipation light blinking fast and furious out of the corner of his eye. I have to admit, he’s tossed his version of an NFL-style “Hail Mary” by recruiting Fränk Schleck into Giro duty. Not only is the elder Schleck riding, but he’s doing it without his ever-present sidekick. As @saddleblaze says in the upcoming CCNN-TV episode (due out Friday May 4th), it will remain to be seen which wheel Frankie-poo attaches himself to. Will it be Basso? Will it be Scarponi? Or will Kreuziger finally fulfill his destiny as a Grand Tour contender?

Truthfully, with all the focus on the Olympics and then, therefore, the Tour de France, we’re missing a few of the big names on the list of GC contenders. Evans. Wiggins. Wiggo’s hair. Wiggo’s dour attitude. Wiggo’s black cloud of doom.

I’m quite happy with the fact Bradley Wiggins is focusing his energy elsewhere. After his joy-sucking, smarmy, superior, and “I’m very British” performance at the Tour of Romandie, thankfully the Giro doesn’t seem to have enough rarified air for the allegedly sanctimonious twit. For all you mad flag-waving Brits, just take a gander at the video complilation by the Romandie folks, who actually complained about his attitude to various bodies of authority.

Moving along….

Back to the Giro. Could we see some epic sprint battles in the first ten days? Absolutely. Renshaw might use the next few weeks to solidify his confidence for the remainder of the year, and vanquishing his former captain in the process might do him well. That is, of course, provided that Australian Cycling will see fit to include him for the Olympics rather than snub him in favour of a blatant Orica-GreenEDGE plant.

Speaking of Orica-GreenEDGE, we’ve all had a bit of fun with the fact that a company specialising in mining explosives has chosen to sponsor a cycling team. Yes, this has turned into both a blessing and a nightmare for the team, in true pro-cycling fashion. Yes, the company has a rough environmental record, which is, as many pointed out, no different than most nasty multi-national conglomerates. But some others have chosen to put up the blinders and say we should be thankful for any sponsorship money at all coming into the sport.

Really? This sort of attitude is what allows those with heinous agendas to profit in today’s world. “Oooh, they have money, we must forgive what they do because they’re throwing a wad of cash at us.” Let’s just say teams, individuals, and businesses who hold themselves to a higher yardstick usually survive longer than those who make decisions based purely upon bottom-line results. Is the Orica sponsorship a bad thing? No. Is it a good thing? Possibly. Time will tell. Maybe their sponsorship and involvement in cycling may just make an impact at the boardroom level and help engage a culture shift. Stranger things have happened.

Back to Orica-GreenEDGE at the Giro. Speaking of High Road sprint train alumni, Matt Goss is another who will be looking to hunt for stages, and he’ll have some formidable opposition in the aforementioned Renshaw. Lotto-Belisol has had some early season success, so never count out Adam Hansen or Gianni Meersman.

However, this Giro could be the reclamation of Team BMC’s dismal season. With Marco Pinotti the declared GC man, Thor Hushovd stage hunting, and the first Giro appearance of Alessandro Ballan, this team might be able to turn some heads during a variety of stages.

Can Pinotti achieve more than just a top 10? (Photo courtesy Sirotti Photography)

What about Garmin-Barracuda? Jonathan Vaughters has continued to develop his cult of personality, peppering in the right riders to flavor his island of misfit toys. It could net him some huge wins during the Giro, or it might at least give us some entertaining bon mots from the king of PR that is JV.

Who are the riders I’ll be watching? This Giro is Ivan Basso’s to lose. His season has had a similar start to that of his Giro-winning year of 2010. Similar struggles of form, similar efforts in working for fellow riders like super-domestique Sylvester Smzyd. Speaking of Smzyd, he has the pedigree to be a rather nice complement to Basso on the podium, provided they have the form. The other one I’ll be watching is Emanuelle Sella from Gianni Savio’s outfit. Savio’s squad alway performs well, and Sella is no slouch.

However, the most important aspect of this year’s Giro may not be who wins or who loses, but if and when Vaughters and Giro boss Acquarone ink the pre-announced revenue-sharing deal with the teams of the WorldTour and Pro-Continental tour. The important question to come out of this development is, how does this impact the UCI, and does this mean RCS is lining up with the rebel faction against the out-of-touch and out-of-step governing body?

Larsson's prologue win was marred by the Wiggins controversy (photo courtesy of Eurosport France)

“What the hell is this woman’s problem? I mean I have enough issues with the stuff that floats around my head on a daily basis, I don’t need Mother Nature causing me more problems,” commented a typically morose Wiggins, “I thought for sure she would be on my side and hate the French as well.”

Wiggins’ declaration comes a day after he made derogatory statements on Twitter against the entire nation of France, particularly men who kiss other men, bum bags, and those who have the audacious habit of actually saying hello to other fellow human beings.

Mother Nature was typically tight-lipped in her assessment of Wiggins and his chances in Paris-Nice.

“Look, the lad has a bigger black cloud following him around than I could ever generate. I am not responsible for the rain that prevented Bradley from winning the prologue – missing it by one heartbreaking second to that adorable Swedish boy. I firmly blame the shadowy corporate forces hijacking weather patterns from me via chemical means. Those groups certainly aren’t fans of the Sky corporation, let alone Bradley. So quit blaming me,” declared Mother Nature.

Wiggins, when told about comments from the “Queen of the Atmosphere,” was unconvinced in her denial to thwart him from victories in 2012.

“She’s a liar. She’s out to get me. Everyone’s out to get me. I’m pretty sick and tired of all these unprovoked comments and attacks coming my way. I’m the best cyclist in the world and I should be treated accordingly. I mean, if Brailsford coddles me, why can’t the rest of the world do the same?” Wiggins sullenly queried.

“To that end, I’m declaring war on Mother Nature,” concluded a defiant Wiggins.

When asked what that means, he refused to answer or speculate. He did offer, however, one final quote, “I firmly believe Mother Nature is on Jonathan Vaughters’ payroll with hefty contributions from David Millar. That’s the only explanation for the sudden rain when I left the start gate.”

When reached for comment both Millar and Vaughters doubled over with laughter.

Stage 1 of Paris Nice runs tomorrow with Gustav Larsson in yellow, Thomas De Gendt in polka dots, and Tejay Van Garderen in white. Wiggins will be sporting his usual blue.

Feeling a wee underdressed, Cav? (REUTERS/Charles Platiau)

When asked why only one of his superstars was present for the route introduction, Team Sky impresario Dave Brailsford didn’t mince words.

“You’ll have to ask Brad the reason for that. I’m not in the mood to play your petty f***ing rivalry games when they obviously aren’t going to be a problem for this phenomenal team to win all the major jerseys at the Tour next year,” fumed Brailsford.

Cavendish, whose attire was as inappropriate as his tweets about the presentation, broadcast a few cracks to his followers about epilepsy sufferers and the blind – a blatant reference to the platoon of press photographers and Cadel Evans’ wardrobe.

The Manx Missile then commenced alternating phone calls between his longtime girlfriend, Peta, and his newest boyfriend, Bernard Eisel, eschewing the rest of the “mundane” pomp and circumstance.

When approached for comment on the route for 2012 by several of the journalists in attendance, Cavendish elected instead to treat them to his patented withering glare, but then offered to read from a prepared statement filled with telling Freudian slips.

“The Green Jersey competition is by far the most important competition in the Tour de France. The days of the impertinence [Ed. note: importance] of the yellow jersey are over. No one really cares about these ridiculous climbers turning around and looking at each other every 20 seconds,” declared Cavendish.

Buoyed by the cluster of cameras and microphones, Cavendish continued, “I think the fact that I’m standing here talking to you, and someone else is not, should tell you who is going to win the internal battle.”

When later contacted to comment for this story, a “vacationing” Bradley Wiggins reluctantly pulled himself away from an all-you-can-eat Italian buffet in efforts to replenish an emaciated Vuelta physique. He offered up this counter to the first bow shots fired by the Manxman:

“Look, I’m more interested in what’s on Coronation Street than what flows from the mouth of that fat prat.  Maybe if he stopped mowing down every pastry stand in Europe he wouldn’t need a tow up the mountains at every Grand Tour,” retorted Wiggins. “After all, if he thinks he’s going to have a go at anything next year he’ll have ask permission from the GC Boy Mafia here at Sky.”

Wiggins concluded that GC Boy Mafia approval for a Tour de France Green Jersey attempt by Cavendish would happen when Jacques Anquetil won another Grand Tour.

GC Boy Mafia lieutenant Chris Froome also weighed in on the Cavendish situation, “I’m very concerned that having the Wiggo and the Fatman on the same team could result in an epic struggle for sustenance, which could inadvertently damage my opportunities in the long run, especially if I have to nurse the both of ’em over the climbs.”

Industry insider Richard Moore confirmed that the union of Cavendish and Wiggins under one banner could result in the same issue that plagued Morrissey and Johnny Marr during their first North American tour during their mercurial Smiths project.

“Having a double-dose of epic ‘sullenocity’ and monumental narcissism in the same sphere of influence could be an absolute windfall for rival teams. I expect a major implosion prior to Paris-Roubaix,” mused Moore.

Wiggo and the Fatman (Photo: PA)