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“We would have wanted to invite Tyler Hamilton for other reasons. But he has done a lot of wonderful things for a very wonderful sport and he has to be applauded for his courage to act.”

It wasn’t perhaps the most unanimously positive endorsement of his career but Tyler Hamilton could hardly have born any ill will towards the lady wwaho introduced the shamed former cyclist to the stage at the American School in London last week.

After all, this was a prestigious school whose mission is to encourage “students [to] develop integrity and strength of character by learning to make good choices and by taking responsibility for their actions”.

The teacher controlling the Q&A session alongside the school’s head boy was also wary of slipping on any potential banana skins. “It is controversial for us to have you up on this stage and we’re putting ourselves on the line,” he said. “Can you see how your cheating invalidates the message of our school and what we stand for?”

Hamilton – looking tanned and rather boyish with his ragged boscage of wavy hair in stark contrast to the slick, almost shiny, grey suit and smart blue shirt covering his still slender frame – was entirely understanding of the concerns outlined.

“I respect people who can’t forgive me and won’t listen to what I have to say. You guys can ask any tough questions you like and I deserve them,” he said in front of an auditorium of roughly 200 high school pupils, parents, teachers, members of the public and one cycling reporter.

“I feel like it was just yesterday that I was in high school. These kids can learn from me. If I can change one kid’s life then I’m pleased I came.”

Well, he certainly did change one grown kid’s life when approaching Saddles in the foyer ahead of the talk and complimenting him on his Ragpicker vintage cycling cap.

“Nice hat. How you doing? You coming to the talk?” he asked before hands were shaken and names exchanged. It broke the ice nicely – and meant Saddles had a way in after the session to pose a question or two of his own.

To be honest, most of the questioning was rather soft and made Oprah Winfrey look like the Spanish Inquisition – but this wasn’t exactly an audience of specialists and only some of them had read Hamilton’s book, The Secret Race, co-edited with Daniel Coyle.

Early on during the Q&A the school’s head boy asked Hamilton what had been the most difficult aspect about coming out with the truth surrounding what he described as the “dark days”.

“The hardest part was telling my parents the truth in 2010 having lied to them ever since 1997.”

It was a poignant answer, but one which made this blogger think of something doing the viral rounds at the time: a note left from a father for his son on the fridge door.

“Nate,” the note-cum-internet-hit said, “I overheard your phone conversation with Mike last night about your plans to come out to me. The only thing I need you to plan is to bring home OJ and bread after class. We are out, like you now. I’ve known you were gay since you were six, I’ve loved you since you were born. Dad. p.s. your mom and I think you and Mike make a cute couple.”

Something tells Saddles that Hamilton’s parents knew a long time before 2010 about his training methods. If the syringes, fridges full of blood and shirts stained red weren’t enough, then they may have had a hunch around about the time the whole ‘false twin’ theory came into play.

(Although had they left him a note on the fridge it probably wouldn’t have requested extra OJ – for obvious reasons.)

“I wish I’d stood up in ’97 and said no when the first red testosterone pill was held out to me by a doctor wearing a fly fishing jacket filled with pharmaceuticals,” said Hamilton, like an LA screen-writer effortlessly seaming the plot of The Matrix to an episode of Deadliest Catch.

“If I had known what would have happened I would have been on the first plane back to Boston,” he added.

Although blessed (or perhaps hindered?) with a constant grin bordering on a childish smirk, Hamilton came across as genuinely contrite. The critics will say that he’s had enough practice – after all, he’s rivalling Tony Blair on the lecture circuit right now in the wake of his no-holds-barred confessional – but Hamilton nevertheless came over as an honest, humble and decent guy keen to put things right.

“I have two bits of advice for the young people in the crowd,” he said. “First: take time with the decisions you make. Second: If you make the wrong choice then right it as quickly as possible.”

When pressed on whether or not he would have come clean had he not been forced, Hamilton, to his credit, did not reply wholly in the affirmative.

“I hope so. I would like to think that as I got older and more mature I would have,” he said before adding: “But I couldn’t say for sure. I had many opportunities to tell the truth. I waited until the last minute when I was fully backed up in the corner.”

Now 42 and working as a private cycling trainer back home in Colorado, Hamilton said he was happy to be away from the pressures of the professional peloton and the general rat race that can affect students as much as Wall Street execs.

“I’m kind of enjoying just being mediocre,” he said, prompting laughs from the crowd. “I’m 30 pounds heavier now than when I was a cyclist,” he added, prompting gasps (he is still a slight guy). “I’m a jogger, not a runner. I’m enjoying being average.”

Being average is certainly something you wouldn’t hear his former boss Lance Armstrong boasting about – and certainly something Hamilton in his capo days wouldn’t have admitted to. Back then, he was all about pushing things further and never being content with the status quo.

“At CSC one of Danish guys coined the term ‘positive dissatisfaction’. I used that term so many times but it was the root of all the problems.”

Hamilton said it had been painful to go over all his mistakes while writing his book and admitted that the fallout from The Secret Race had been rather testing.

“The president of cycling’s world body called me a scumbag. His name is Pat McQuaid,” Tyler told the audience (many of whom were non-cycling types who couldn’t tell their UCIs from their IOUs (answer: they’re often the same thing). “I understand his frustrations. I know why he would do that. But there are many who continue to deny that they had any knowledge that bad things were happening in the sport.”

Hamilton stressed that there were “still bad apples” in cycling and that “there’s still dome digging to be done.”

Sounding more and more like a character from Goodfellas, he added ominously: “It’s definitely a lot better than back in the dark days but there are many buried bodies and many of us know where those bodies are. We must do some digging or there will be another big situation in the future [like the US Postal scandal].”

With the hour almost up, Hamilton just had enough time to praise former US Postal team-mate Floyd Landis for “getting the ball rolling,” admitting that “we wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for him. He’s suffering a lot still.”

Hamilton confirmed that he didn’t have much to do with any of the other Posties now give or take a few texts. “It’s sad because we were a really cohesive group. Things have changed. It’s sad that doping ripped us apart.”

Of course, the Devil’s advocate would say it was sad doping threw them together in the first place.

As the star of the night signed books on the stage at the end, your faithful blogger went up to the former 1994 Olympic time trial gold medallist and asked him if he thought it was fair that there was so much scrutiny surrounding the highest performing team of the current era, Sky, who had seemingly been tainted by the same brush as US Postal.

“It’s not fair, no,” he said, fixing Saddles with his piercing blue eyes. “It’s unfortunate that’s happening but due to the past it’s the way it is because of what we did and because of the culture that we went through.

“I feel bad because of it. I feel bad that Bradley Wiggins cannot enjoy winning the Tour like he should enjoy it, that he has had to endure all this skepticism.”

At this point, the master of ceremonies tugged Tyler on the sleeve and urged him to return to his signings – but Hamilton was in no rush and was eager to finishing giving his answer.

“The problem is not necessarily Wiggins but the people around the sport. We still have some bad apples in the sport including some – but not all – of the individuals in the UCI.

“I’m sure Bradley Wiggins is not happy with me and I understand that. But if he’s going to be really angry with somebody then it’s still those bad apples that are continuing to rot the sport. He should be pushing those people to be telling the truth.

“Zero tolerance? I don’t believe in that. I’ve got to commend Sky for trying and being proactive – some teams are not even being proactive – but I don’t necessarily agree with that philosophy.

“To clean up the sport truth and reconciliation is the only answer. I’d love to see them maybe invite back some of the guys they forced out like Bobby Julich. And I’m not the biggest fan of Bobby Julich – trust me – but if people are telling the truth they shouldn’t be penalised for it.”

On that note, Saddles and Tyler parted. There hadn’t been a chance to ask him who the most promising crop of apples in the orchard were; or if he sincerely would have indeed traded in the glory years at US Postal and beyond, and the smart grey suit and blue shirt on the lecture circuit, for years of what he described as “hanging on for dear life and surviving at the back” that would have been synonymous with not doping at a time when “ninety to ninety-five percent were on drugs during the Tour”.

Neither had there been a time to ask him who he thought should play him alongside Bradley Cooper’s Lance in a movie version of the “dark days”; whether he preferred the film Twins to Marley & Me; whether, given his background in downhill skiing, he would have insisted on La Manie being kept in the previous weekend’s Milan-San Remo; or if he could give Saddles a tailored Tyler Hamilton Training plan ahead of this reporter’s own big ride in September (2,300 kilometres in the footsteps of Hannibal from Barcelona to Rome).

Perhaps for another time. Tyler, over to you…

The bars will only be used by Sir Jeremy Wiggins to push aside all the air from the vicinity of his trusted team leader.

The clever attachment has been tested in Sub-Saharan Africa, as no wind tunnel is sturdy enough to handle the nano-vortex created as it scythes through the air on the front of the former Mister Wiggins’ Pinarello.

Data hastily scribbled on a napkin suggests that a rider seated behind Wiggo actually has to feather the brakes on climbs to prevent them overtaking their former leader.

“When the other Sir told me that I was only allowed to win the Giro and Liège-BastogneLiège this year, we looked earnestly at the best way I can help Chris after he had laid it all down for me last year. I feel that pushing aside most of the air in France is the least I can do. The major lifetime achievement of gigging with Sir Paul Weller was simply down to Chris not attacking me that often in 2012, and so it’s time for me to do my part and maybe get him a gig with Rihanna.”

In preparation for use of the FrancoFoil™, as it has been dubbed, the ASO will be installing handrails along the main climbs to prevent spectators from being sucked into the Team Sky mean machine.

Outgoing UCI president Pat McQuaid welcomed the device as “an innovative new development that would, in time, lead to greater understanding of the issues I faced in doing what Hein told me. This socks and saddle-angle nonsense made me sad and I sincerely hope the FrancoFoil™ can finally bring about fair wages for women professional people. Jambo mother Africa.”

n

pull off the Pink TDF

?

why the shit not

he

held uh peak

fer 60 days last year

n

judging by his

TDF 130 whatever

to

yellow

he is the new

benchmark

fer what is

in physiological transformations possible

out with the swim coach

n

in with who the fugg knows

so the premise uv Brad2012

was

a swimming coach

brought Brad the radical concept

uv reverse periodization

also known as

what most uv us

who can’t tolerate 9 hr rides

uv grabassin all winter long

call

training

the premise being

light the fuggin match early n fuggin often

n

throught the process uv

detonating

ever so slightly less soon

get to where

a descent clip

kin finally be held

fer a descent clip

n masters fatties be shed

like wet dog fur inna front seat uv a Honda

problem is

now that Brads eyein

the pyellow jersey

at the

giro d’france

means

he’s gotta be goin

not just fast

may through August

but goin fuggin fast n long

which means

that he’s gotta

reverse

the reverse periodization

n

re reverse it

all in the month uv June

which kin only mean one thing

now that Leinders is gone

n

that is

hiring a cricket coach

n mitt Romneys wife’s horse trainer

* * * * *

veloclinic is the reincarnation of one of our favorite Twitter friends, @captaintbag1, whose tumblr blog posts were a kind of blank verse, Tecate-soaked haiku of truthiness that cut through the slick bullshit and to the very core of what is gloriously fucked up about the sport of cycling. Although the Cap may be gone (sort of), his Doctor tbag/Captain Hyde alter ego lives on, and we’re glad to share his pithy analysis here. Lest you think these are the idiot ramblings of a madman, we’d like you to know that the doc is a legitimate professional in the science of sports medicine, and a savant when it comes to doping analysis. You have been warned.

Last December saw my awards of Mass Distinction, but this year I’ve decided to be different as 2012 was a very special year indeed. A few categories have been deleted, and a few new categories have taken their place. Onward we go!

Best Revisionist History Attempt

• Rick Crawford for his “I only doped certain people and forgot about the others.”
• John Wilcockson, “We all screwed up during the Lance era so, bygones?”
• Michael Barry, “It was just so HARD. I HAD to dope. It wasn’t my fault. Forget what I said in 2010.”

And the winner is… Rick Crawford. Crawford’s partial admission, his comments surrounding the partial admission, and his excuses for his partial admission were weak attempts to hang onto his position coaching college athletes in Colorado. You were a coach. You were a mentor. Yes, you should have come forward back in 2001. You could have helped prevent an entire decade of corruption, doping, and fraud. And in the end you still got fired.

“I only doped two riders, I swear. Wait, what?” (yet another reason why we love @nyvelocity, see below for more)

Best Dramatic Performance

• Pat McQuaid for the October 22nd press conference announcing Lance Armstrong didn’t exist
• Brad Wiggins for his drinky-drinky smoke-filled holiday in Mallorca
• Team Katusha for World Tour licence denial

And the winner is… Team Katusha! Like there was any doubt.

Biggest Whiner in a Grand Tour

• Brad Wiggins for the Tour de France

And the winner is… Brad Wiggins! I mean, really, the rest of the whiners paled in comparison to Wiggo. I’m sending you a giant inflatable violin to play. I’m sure you can pick out a tune.

Most Likely to Hit the Tarmac

• Andy Schleck
• Mark Cavendish
• Pippo Pozzato

And the winner is … Andy Schleck! Tough year for crashes for all three of these gents, but Andy, who deployed the SchleckChute™ pretty much all year, had the worst luck. Best wishes for 2013!

Best Podium Performance by a Person, Duo, Trio, or Group

• Simon Clarke, “Call Me Maybe” at the Vuelta
• Ryder Hesjedal “Hockey Stick Flag” at the Giro
• Andreas Kloden, “Team Award Presentation” Tour de France

And the winner is … Simon Clarke! We adored the team’s “Call Me Maybe” viral video from the Vuelta, and his ballsy work on the podium was one of the highlights of the year for me!

Best Exit from a Race

• Johan Bruyneel “Tour de France”
• Frank Schleck “Tour de France”
• Lance Armstrong “Tour de France”

And the winner is … Johan Bruyneel! Yes, we enjoyed the fact the Tour folks basically told Flavio Becca his managerial secret weapon was “not desirable” for the Tour’s image. I loved how Johan attempted to spin it by saying it was his decision and what was best for the team. Right. He always has the team’s best interests at heart. Right.

Best Tow

• Mark Cavendish “Tour de France”
• Team GB “Men’s Olympic Road Race”
• Chris Froome “Tour de France”

And the winner is … Chris Froome! Yes Froomey towed Brad Wiggins all over France in July, for three weeks. Well, save one day where he got the flat and lost a minute twenty five and where the team left him to his own devices. But besides that one day, Froome did a brilliant job of ensuring Wiggo ended in yellow. I hope his midsection has recovered from the rope burns.

Best Example of Debauchery Following a Victory

• Brad Wiggins “Champs-Élysées After Party”
• Brad Wiggins “Post Olympic TT Victory Party”
• Brad Wiggins “Post SPOTY Award Win Party”

This was a tough one, but we have to go with… the SPOTY performance. Only because Wiggo looked the most retro disheveled after that particular drinking fest.

I’ll have a Wig Mac! Bradley Wiggins was getting a late-night snack in McDonald’s at 5am after winning SPOTY

Best Fashion Performance

• Jonathan Vaughters for “Britney Spears in drag”
• Lance Armstrong for “Triathlon Speedo”
• Brad Wiggins for “Tour de France Route Presentation”

And the winner is… Jonathan Vaughters! It’s all about the fishnets.

Best Twitter Zingerers

• @dwuori
• @saddleblaze
• @neilroad

And the winner is … @dwuori! Consistently the best producer of Twitter one-liners, and always with a humorous edge. ‘Twas a close vote!

Cycling Anti-Establishment Award

• @paulkimmage
• @neilroad
• @nyvelocity

And the winner is … @paulkimmage! Paul took no shite from anyone, filed a criminal complaint against the UCI, Verbruggen, and McQuaid, and expertly employed the phrase “Fuck off you fucking toe rag.”  He has stood for what’s right no matter the circumstances.

Tool of the Year

• Lance Armstrong
• Johan Bruyneel
• Hein Verbruggen

And the winner is … Johan Bruyneel! At least Lance backed away from douchebaggery after losing sponsors and pretty much almost every revenue stream, and Verbruggen has gone underground. Johan? He just doesn’t get it. Completely delusional. He belongs in “Tool of the Year” Hall of Fame!

Best Quote

• Hein Verbruggen “My reaction was strictly limited to the fact that Lance Armstrong was never found positive by the anti-doping laboratories, that there was no positive test and that there was nothing to be covered up.”
• Johan Bruyneel “A bunch of douches r gonna meet in London 2 change cycling. But why is @vaughters not on the list? He should be leading that group…” via Twitter.
• Miguel Indurain ” “Even now I believe in his innocence. He has always respected all the regulations… He has won all the cases he’s had.”

And the winner is … Miguel Indurain! Yes, we’ve come to expect ridiculous and contradictory quotes from Bruyneel and Verbruggen; however, Indurain was just a step above insanity with his appraisal of the Armstrong situation.

Best meeting for undisclosed purposes

• Phil Maertens, Cathy Mehl, and Johan Bruyneel at the Amgen Tour of California. The three were photographed hours after Johan was served “mysterious paperwork” by some government agency. After the serving, he disappeared to Europe, missing several important meetings.  I’m sure there was relief from Mehl and Maertens upon his departure.
• Pat McQuaid and Lance Armstrong via phone October 18th. Yes, our president actually took a phone call on his cellular phone from Lance Armstrong the Friday before the USADA decision. Oh to be a fly on that wall.
• Travis Tygart with (insert your name here).

And the winner is … Travis Tygart! His meetings single-handledly re-sculpted cycling. Whether or not the pile of steaming dog shite that is pro cycling right now will be sculpted into an Eiffel Tower or Guantanamo prison remains to be seen.

Best Alternative Live Cycling Feed Sites, Free to the Public!

• Cyclingfans.com
• Steephill.tv
• sportlemon.tv

It’s a three-way tie. Thanks to all three for providing decreased cubicle productivity across the globe! Slainte!

Best Mainstream Pundit

• David Harmon
• Rupert Guinness
• Andrea Berton

And the winner is … Rupert Guinness! Guinness was man enough to admit he made mistakes during the Armstrong era, and has continued to cover the sport with renewed vigour, bringing to the public key interviews with the key players in an Australian cycling, including new Oceania president Tracey Gaudry.

Horrorawful Mainstream Pundit

• Anthony Tan
• William Fotheringham
• Phil Liggett

And the winner is … Phil Liggett for the second year in a row. Liggett had tougher competition this year, especially with Fotheringham’s blatant Team Sky fanboy status and Anthony Tan’s bizarre escapades in punditry. But the winner, Phil Liggett, managed to distinguish himself as the Lance Armstrong sock puppet he truly is, especially with his latest attempts to excuse the disgraced former age group swimmer’s actions.

Dedication to Cycling Award

• David Walsh
• Mike Ashenden
• Betsy Andreu

And the winner is … Betsy Andreu! The woman was unswerving in her campaign to expose the truth about what has been occurring in cycling, a decade-plus-long process that finally finished in 2012. In typical Betsy fashion, she gave interviews, told her side of the story, and then went back to making lunch for her boys and daughter. No book deal. No TV series. Andreu did this for cycling (and some loving abuse from certain friends) and not for her own financial gain.

Charles Talleyrand Diplomacy Award

• Jonathan Vaughters
• George Hincapie
• Klaus Mueller

And the winner is … Jonathan Vaughters. Vaughters embodies all the ideals exuded by Talleyrand. He is an influential member of every cycling organisation that has a shot of wrestling some power away from the UCI. He’s got both sides of the fence covered with both the AIGCP and the breakaway cycling league people led by the Gifted Group. For good measure, he’s also part of the MPCC, and makes policy with the PCC under the auspices of the UCI. Hedge betting and shifting allegiances? Vaughters is the king. He has a career as a diplomat in his future. He would be one of the best in the world.

Best Cycling Clothing Company

• Rapha
• Vulpine
• Velobici

And the winner is … Vulpine! Not only does the company produce quality clothing products at affordable prices, but their dedication to the grassroots of cycling is impeccable. Vulpine’s founder Nick Hussey is assisting in a fan-backed women’s cycling initiative, as well as being extremely active in engaging the public on Twitter and his blog. The company has also pioneered a cycling fête, bringing a wide variety of cycling-related ventures together under one roof to showcase their wares, and they may turn the event into a travelling show. With a dog performing tricks for good measure.

Twitter Armchair Pundit Award

• @fmk_RoI
• @digger_forum
• @captaintbag1

And the winner is … @fmk_RoI. The opinionated Mr. M has been a consistent agitator on Twitter, challenging anyone of any stripe (including yours truly), any loyalty, or any level of the sport on a variety of subjects from the breakaway league to anti-doping efforts to pro-team finances. Fmk has had some memorable interactions on Twitter, most notably with Jonathan Vaughters, is a regular contributor of peerless book reviews to podiumcafe.com, and also graces our pages at cyclismas.com with unparalleled historical narratives and interviews.

Mr. World Tour Award

• Purito Rodriguez
• Adam Hansen
• Philippe Gilbert

And the winner is… Adam Hansen! Hansen finished ALL THREE grand tours this year, one of only 31 cyclists who have ever completed this feat. Hansen also makes himself very accessible to the fans and to journalist alike. A frequent tweeter, funnyman Hansen has earned the well-deserved title of top comedic talent in the peloton. We hope next year that Adam can break his Grand Tour stage victory goose egg, for as Greg Henderson noted on a broadcast of CCNN-TV earlier this year, that perennial bridesmaid Hansen failed to win any of the 63 stages he completed in 2012.

Ms. World Tour Award

• Marianne Vos
• Evelyn Stevens
• Liz Armitstead

And winner is … Marianne Vos. Like there was any doubt.

Best Mainstream News Website 

• Velonews
• Velonation
• Cyclingnews

And the winner is … Velonation! Uncompromising stories, dedicated coverage from a smaller team than either of its fellow finalists, but consistently punching above its weight, led by the never-sleeping, ever-tireless, Shane Stokes.

Best Alternative Cycling Site (other than Cyclismas)

• inrng.com
• tourchats.com
• nyvelocity.com

And the winner is … nyvelocity.com! Yeah, we may be a bit biased, but these gentlemen have been most key in exposing important information to the general cycling public, as well as crafting the legendary Toto comic strip.

Favourite UCI Overlord minion for 2012

• @asteinkamp
• @Bridie_OD
• @marijnfietst
• @kittyfondue

It’s tough picking my favourite person to interact with on Twitter (besides @cycletard, of course) BUT I did have to make a selection. Based upon a careful cross-comparison of retweets, interactions, favourites, and general great times on Twitter, the winner is…. @marijnfietst! Brilliant writer. Brilliant professional cyclist. An absolute gem on Twitter and in real life. The deserving champion of the social media jersey competition (she was robbed, methinks). Marijn de Vries is a great voice for cycling. Period.

Best commentating moment

• Andrea Berton for the Giro d’Italia Stage 15, Rabottini victory
• David Harmon, London Olympics Chris Hoy Keirin Final
• David Bond, UCI Lance Armstrong Geneva Press Conference

This was a close call. And the winner … Andrea Berton. His call of the Rabottini victory goes down as one of the most passionate displays of coverage cycling has seen in the past decade.

Best Doping Confessor

• Levi Leipheimer
• Tom Danielson
• George Hincapie

And the winner is … Levi Leipheimer. Levi has taken his punishment, endured a firing, and has gone about his business. Danielson could learn a thing or a hundred from Leipheimer.

Worst Doping Confessor

• Michele Ferrari
• Lance Armstrong
• Johan Bruyneel

And the winner is … Michele Ferrari. This competition was neck and neck until Ferrari came out with his incredible Al Jazeera interview. Just wow.

Best Future Publishing Pundit

• Daniel Friebe
• Daniel Benson
• Jane Aubrey

Since they are the cycling media juggernaut, it’s only fair they get their own category. I mean, Future gets something like a million hits a day on their collective properties. After a tough decision, the award goes to … Daniel Friebe! Not only because Friebe was “rumoured” to be behind some influential pseudonymous Twitter handles which may have disappeared over the course of 2012, more importantly, he wins the hair competition.

Cyclismas Best Grand Tour Award

• Tour de France
• Vuelta
• Giro d’ Italia

And the winner is … Giro d’Italia! Great television coverage, great Internet video coverage, the best post-race variety show, outstanding social media interactions led by Giro boss Michele Acquarone, and an amazing three-week spectacle that came down to the final stage in Milan. It produced the most panachey moment of 2012, according to Rapha’s Simon Mottram.

Thank you to all for an outstanding 2012. We’ll see you in 2013. Best wishes for a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Brad Wiggins serenades the crowd after his SPOTY win. Team Sky lieutenant Chris Froome is nowhere to be seen. (photo courtesy news168.co.uk)

“Look, I can play the guitar. I’m in a soon-to-be-announced super group with Paul Weller. I ride a scooter. I’m starting a scooter racing league in Manchester in 2014.  I dress like a drunken sea captain. In fact, I have a new drunken sailor clothing line with Fred Perry. I’ve dropped all my long-time friends like yesterday’s paper. I deserve the opportunity to pad my ample bank account with two more victories,” stated Wiggins.

While Wiggo’s massive groupie following continues to fan the flames of his ego, the not-so-mopey modster’s plan for cycling domination has encountered one tiny snag – the commitments made by Wiggins and Team Sky principal/Dr. Evil doppelganger David Brailsford to perpetual bridesmaid Chris Froome. After “WonderWiggo” won the Tour de France in 2012, the duo declared Team Sky lad-in-waiting Chris Froome to be the definite captain for the 2013 Tour.

“Look, me and Davey are allowed to change our minds. Especially when there’s wads of cash being thrown our way. I mean, I need to make as much money as I can because the missus spends it faster than a 60 year-old cougar at the craps table in Vegas,” commented Wiggins.

However, one vocal critic of the the move is Tour de France champion Bernard Hinault, who famously dueled with his own number two, Greg LeMond, at the 1986 Tour de France. The move fractured a fragile La Vie Claire team, sending much of the team talent elsewhere in 1987. The war in 1986 left an unprepared Jean Francois Bernard to pick up the pieces, gasping up Ventoux during the famous Stephen Roche Tour victory the following year.

“You would think they’d have learnt their lesson. The biggest mistake I made was declaring after my 1985 victory that I would support Greg. It gave Greg focus. It gave him a target. And he kicked my cul all over France. I couldn’t shake the leech. In hindsight, I should have just shut my trap until the week before the Tour and then declared my undying loyalty to him,” said a nonsensical Hinault speaking cryptically.

Hinault went on to say two road captains on teams have rarely succeeded.

“Look what that Irishman Roche did to Visentini. How about Tejay and Cadel last year?  The only way it works is when you have a lieutenant who knows his place until the bitter end. Jeff Bernard to Miguel Indurain. Did you ever hear Bernard bad-mouth Indurain or challenge him? Hell no. If I were Brailsford, I would have kept Rogers and dumped Froome. He made his Wiggo bed, and now he has to keep lying,” commented Hinault.

“This team isn’t as strong as my 1986 La Vie Claire team. How many future winners were on that squad? How many wearers of the maillot jaune? What does Sky have? Without Yates and Rogers the task might be impossible. No amount of guitar-playing will make you faster on the climbs. Team Sky will have a catastrophe on their hands at this year’s Tour,” concluded Hinault.

Froome’s comments in the press today will certainly leave the fans with tantalizing excitement for quite the British spectacle at this year’s Grand Boucle.

Wiggins in happy times on his throne at the Olympics (courtesy of Eurosport)

Wiggins was honored to receive the International Flandrien award, but failed to attend the ceremony due to a previous engagement – reportedly a jam session with musicians Paul Weller and Liam Gallagher at Wiggins’ new penthouse in London’s West End.

When reached for comment, Wiggins spent a half hour gushing about Mark Cavendish and how he deserved the recognition for raising the profile of British Cycling to the international stage, and how exciting it was that cycling has started to climb up the sporting ladder in his adopted country.

“It’s amazing how I have singlehandedly raised the profile of professional cycling in England. There’s nothing like jamming with Paul and Liam and getting requests from Bono to record a new version of Lemon with David Guetta. It’s fantabulous. Oh, and I couldn’t have done it without my mate, Mark Cavendish. Too bad he’s leaving. I really, really, really, really wanted him to stay,” commented Wiggins.

When asked if the accolade from the Belgian news agency would ever give him the thought of returning to the nation of his birth, Wiggins left the door open.

“Sometimes the absolutely meteoric rise of my status can be a little bit too much to handle. Thankfully, ever since Mallorca I’m back to smoking again to keep me calm. It’s precluded me from racing with Keisse at the Ghent Six, but of course the multi-million euro fee we requested might have been a little steep for Sercu anyhow. I told him I’d consider moving back to Belgium as compensation. Boonen says the fans in Belgium let him do his thing and leave him alone when he’s not racing, unlike stupid punters here in England,” mused Wiggins.

The English media were quick to discredit the honor, including an anonymous BBC presenter who may or may not have been Hugh Porter.

“Belgians? Honor? Receiving an award from that country is like receiving an academic award in sixth form. Why on earth this is news is beyond me. It’s just those Belgian bastards trying to ride English coattails again,” stated the BBC presenter.

When told Wiggins was born in Belgium, the BBC presenter wasn’t impressed.

“Birth doesn’t make champions. Thank Christ we rescued the lad from that giant producer of farm shite,” concluded the presenter.

Wiggins with supermodel Erin McNaught, with whom Wiggins has been rumored to be seeing as of late. (Photo courtesy of McNaught’s Instagram)

Wiggins plans on committing to a couple more races before withdrawing at the last minute, prior to his month-long holiday “somewhere warm with half-naked women, lots of booze and plenty of spliffs.” No word if the half-naked lady portion of the equation included supermodel Erin McNaught.

Wiggins still might be planning on “hinting” at a “possible” “late entry” into the Tour of Beijing, “just to mess with Purito” and his WorldTour overall victory, which is expected to flood the cycling press 24 hours prior to the start of the race.

Illustration created exclusively for Cyclismas by Anders Bendixen (@andersbendixen on Twitter)

Having Hushovd and Wiggins – two very prominent riders stricken with major sickness – exit races prematurely also draws attention to the amount of illnesses occurring in the peloton. Many pundits have noted these gastro-events seemed to be occurring in mass proportions this year, but upon closer inspection, really aren’t happening with any more frequency than any other year. However, it can be said our sensitivity to these stories is heightened, due to the increase in ulcers and general tummy stress in 2013 brought on by the Armstrong business, the steady stream of confessions reminiscent of a Hague war crimes tribunal investigation and hearing, and the overall reluctance by the UCI to acknowledge just how much shite they are in, metaphorically and literally.

Let’s dive into the morass that is the UCI. Why not? It seems to be my favourite topic, especially in light of what we have accomplished in less than a week with fundraising for Paul Kimmage, and the subsequent media backlash against the UCI. In fact, the gastrointestinal epidemic that was previously sweeping the peloton metaphorically all of these years seems to be shifting upward to the shite flotilla that is the UCI president and former president.

And rightfully so.

The list of those who are downing the Alka-Seltzer and nervously typing away news pieces and opinion pieces against the bloated and cranky governing body has grown to its own epidemic proportions. Richard Moore. Edward Pickering. Daniel Benson. Rupert Guinness. Lionel J. Birnie. Every major English speaking cycling media outlet has covered or commented in support of Paul Kimmage. As I’ve mentioned publicly in my appearances promoting the Kimmage Fund and privately to many in the sport, Paul seems to be the match to light the fire of discontent against the governing body.

In this respect, 2012 has been a significantly different year over 2011. As you may recall, McQuaid attacked Jens Voigt, threatened WorldTour teams if they didn’t attend Beijing, sent nasty notes over the radio ban, and didn’t authorize any blood testing at several races where they were in charge of anti-doping controls. Yet, the press didn’t really seem to latch onto any of these issues with any great fervour. The media wrung their hands, afraid to say anything against McQuaid or Verbruggen, afraid of a potential “black-listing” which could have a negative impact on advertising/marketing campaigns. Many who stuck their toes in the water of “negative” UCI coverage received an email of rebuke from McQuaid or Verbruggen. Some received phone calls from Carpani. Others received earfuls from management committee members. The status quo was maintained.

However, 2012, began with a bang. Chloe Hosking called McQuaid “a bit of a dick.”

This one simple event began a year of PR disaster after PR disaster for the sport governing body. Hosking was reproached by Australian Cycling and many Aussie pros, male and female, bristled at the attempt by the cycling federation to censor one of their riders who chose to exercise her right to “free speech.” With this first incident, the tone was set. What followed was a cascade of events that caused many inside cycling at all levels and areas to really examine the nervous stomach condition caused by the governing body. Many folks began asking the question, “Why should the UCI be allowed to act in this manner? What really do I have to fear?”

A plethora of journalists were granted extensive interviews with the UCI President during the spring, which exposed his complete lack of depth in managing the sport of cycling. CycleSport. Rouleur. Velo. Procycling. The timing, for McQuaid, was most unfortunate as a 2011 of near misses turned into one of hitting bulls-eyes, as the more he spoke, the more it became evident of the selfish nature of his plans and ideas. One just has to recall my favourite line from the Herbie Sykes interview with him in Rouleur where McQuaid says everything is ultimately “his decision.” In an organisation which has a mission of inclusiveness and equal promotion for all, such arrogance shows just how out of step with the times the top levels of cycling’s management have become.

McQuaid was pressed a little harder on his soundbites. His flip flops. Supporting USADA. Not Supporting USADA. Writing nasty letters to USADA. Giving Hanzhou a WorldTour to only rescind said WorldTour race a few months later.  One just has to recall his horrendous press conference hastily called at the London Olympics, where his comments on the aforementioned USADA action against Armstrong where murky and unintelligible at best, self-serving and protectionist at worst. One quote from a video interview with Sporza was used against him by USADA during the “unconstitutional” fiasco, where Armstrong thought a U.S. federal judge could stall or save him from the USADA investigation.

This past weekend left us with the malaise of McQuaid’s “we have no responsibility in the past” statement, including a MOTION from the UCI management committee, brought forward by my favourite committee member, Mike “Head Up Hein’s Arse” Turtur, whose motion stated they were going to effectively ignore the black era that was the Armstrong mess.  David Millar made his feeling quite well-known on the subject, both in private and publicly. It was the final insult to the sport, piggybacked on the Kimmage announcement only days prior.

Speaking of Kimmage, those nasty tummy troubles didn’t really begin to make a shift from the peloton onto the rest of us until the “rough ride” was revealed. Once it was learnt Kimmage received the Swiss subpoena, it seemed we’d all had enough of the debilitating stomach issues and decided to do something about it. What started as support for a journalist who was unfairly targeted by “the elite” of cycling’s “rulers” became, as Carlton Reid said in his piece on bikebiz.com, a referendum on the UCI itself, where to date over 1,165 people have “voted” with their wallets.

It has become apparent that the discontent with how the sport has been managed has transformed from our own gastrointestinal malaise into a focused campaign to create change. It couldn’t come at a better time, with the Armstrong era being exposed as the fraud it was and the revelation of the extent of that governing body’s role in that fraud. With a pivotal election coming in the UCI in 2013, a grassroots movement for change at the federation level, the professional road-cycling level, and the fan level has begun to grow exponentially. We know this is the case when prominent cycling journalists begin to re-examine their public stance towards the sport’s most talked-about star and its international governing body, and make comments as Rupert Guinness did Thursday in his column:

So in many ways it is about Kimmage, because without his voice and those of a brave minority who dared to speak out, the sport may not be on the cusp of the potential change it faces today. Whether that chance is seized, requires all in the sport to recognise the wrongs committed – me included. But it must also come from up top at the UCI. If not, then those up top must go.

So now what happens? Now what takes place? As Sean Connery said in The Untouchables movie scene I tweeted earlier this week, “… and then what are you prepared to do?” What happens after Kimmage fights his battle against the UCI? What about China? What about Global Cycling Promotion’s drain on the ProTour fund? What about all the conflict of interest? What about all the decisions made that are counter to the UCI constitution?

It’s time for a plan to inflict change.

You owe it to your tummy.

You can find more work from illustrator Anders Bendixen on his website.