The use of so-called masking agents in professional sport has until now been limited to athletes’ use of one pharmacological ‘agent’  to cover up the use of other performance-enhancing medications. A recent development, however, is the alleged use of masking agents by riders seeking some enhanced peer perception on the road. A low-carb diet of Rapha videos and Rouleur photo spreads has resulted in riders seeking to mask a hugely pleasurable activity by remaining glum and focusing on small objects in the distance. It had been rumoured that Botox is migrating from the nearby beauty salons of Surrey housewives to become the masking agent of choice for the sportive crowds.

Last week the dandy dopers’ reliance on Botox to mask obviously positive activities clicked with Team IG Sigma Sport rider Wouter Sybrandy, who commented on Twitter

Noticed Boxhill is now the new Richmond Park with loads of people riding laps, on their own, looking grumpy and not talking to eachother

— Wouter Sybrandy (@Wouter_Sybrandy) January 5, 2013

This stony-faced aspect of the sport has led to concerns that passive observers may think that cycling is an unpleasant activity, the preserve of manly stoics and not something that delivers unbound joy to happy, active souls. On Sunday morning Cyclismas met with some self-confessed dopers who expressed a disregard for conventional enjoyment of exercise while seeking to massage their minuscule egos. Before that we spoke to Bob, 47 as he enjoyed a coffee whilst riders sped past in silent groups. “I thought after Wiggo and the Olympics that cycling looked fantastic and was all set for getting a bike. But while walking on Box Hill with the kids, all I saw was hordes of thoroughly miserable feckers looking like Christmas had been canceled. These guys must be really suffering, I think I’ll stick with golf. A friend showed me that video of some guys riding with LeMond and there was laughing and smiling, but they were Yanks, innit. I’m told you can’t do that in Surrey, best I could hope for is a knowing smirk if someone’s ristretto is weak.”

Geoffrey, a data analyst from Beckenham, laid out the mindset that led to his appointment with a beauty therapist and a vial of Botox. “I’m quite chubby chopped and to be smiling while I ride would expose me to taunts of not taking this shit seriously enough. I suffer for my sport, especially since switching to a 53/39 and to not be seen to be suffering would negate the thousand of pounds I spent on bike fits and power cranks. Inside I’m smiling, but to show pleasure is to show weakness. I’m like Merckx, really, the poker face while on the rivet and I know he was going 12 mph faster, but suffering is relative. If he was as fat as me, he’d find the Surrey lanes on a spring day to be like Flanders in February.” As he spoke, the trace of a smirk which battled through the plastic edges of his lips was wiped in an instant by an approaching rider. “I know he ignored me completely, but if he hadn’t have done so and caught a trace of cheerfulness, that would be game over.” When pressed further Geoffrey admitted, “No, I don’t have a clue who he is, but you don’t understand. The perception of complete strangers that I’m utterly indifferent to them can’t be taken for granted.”

“Botox is the perfect solution to my issues” stated Tarquin, one of the most-respected Surrey Raphtafarians.  As he faked a lazy eye and looked into an approaching storm cloud, it was obvious that he was using a masking agent. “You see a smile, you see weakness. Riders around here know that ‘Tarqs’ ain’t happy and they believe it’s because I’m riding so hard that pain is the drug. But actually, a bit of Botox means that I can soft-pedal and enjoy the view whilst giving the appearance of Purito in a Lombardy storm. We’re not covering up EPO or HGH, we’re trying to mask endorphins – pleasure. I love this sport so much, the fun I get from riding a bike is like nothing else but should the masking agent be banned at sportives I fear I’ll be ridiculed. It’s OK for Wouter, he gets paid to enjoy riding, no one pays us to feel this good. If I can’t look like Brad Pitt in a fragrance commercial people will think I only bought a bike after the Olympics, whereas I got this little beauty the week before the opening ceremony. The oval chain-rings came after Wiggo’s TT gold. You don’t see Sir Brad smiling do you? Point proven. Oh and if anyone asks why you’re talking to me, you’re my power data guy. We don’t talk to the media. Actually we can’t talk coherently any longer, our faces are too rigid.”

Sybrandy was unconvinced. “It’s so obvious that they enjoy cycling and the use of masking agents is just plain cheating. These guys have no idea how much pleasure we get from racing  – we wouldn’t do it otherwise. If I can smile having had to come back from a bad race injury, they can smile having burnt their feet moulding shoe inserts. Oh and they should just put a number on their backs and join the fun.”

Salomons Memorial will be joined by a massive Team Sky museum commemorating the remarkable run by Brad Wiggins and Team Sky in 2012 (Source: geograph.org.uk/Ian Capper)

“We have purchased the rights to the Box Hill National Trust in order to create a monument to Brad Wiggins and the Team Sky domestiques, thus combining the team’s historic achievements with our desire to preserve an environment. The world will have the ability to bask in the glow of our accomplishments for eons to come,” declared Brailsford at a press conference set up at the McDonald’s in the Olympic Village.

Plans include an 8-metre fence circumnavigating the entire preserve to ensure a pristine environment for nature to grow in its natural surroundings. Team Sky has also hired noted botanists Roger and Alison Heath to determine proper designations of plants in the Box Hill region and rename them after various members of the Wiggins and Brailsford families.

In order to ensure the integrity of the National Trust, those wishing to cycle, walk, or picnic in the Box Hill preserve will be required to pay an admission fee of £20 per person. The fee, however, will also grant a membership in the Team Sky fan club, news on SkyRides, and free admission to the new museum currently being designed by London Olympic architect Philip Johnson, principal architect from the firm Populous.

“The Design will incorporate the likenesses of lifelong-sponsor Jaguar with Bradley Wiggins. We’re mocking up a bronze with Wiggins, hands aloft, riding the Jaguar symbol, which will top a building utilizing the most environmentally friendly eco-designs. We’ll have lots of bamboo, reclaimed rubber, reclaimed concrete, recycled water, and recycled water containers, along with reclaimed bidons from this year’s Tour de France,” commented Johnson at the press conference.

There were mixed reactions from the cycling community on the sale of a publicly-held national land trust to a quasi-private/public partnership with potential profit-driven motives to trumpet Sky’s victories to the greater British cycling public for their own good.

One anonymous fan at the press conference who was wearing Team Sky employee clothing commented, “I’m happy to throw my support behind any Wiggins/Brailsford/British Cycling intiative. They always have the fans and the people of Britain top of mind whenever they make any decisions related to the team, as they say in the press constantly. I have no problem with paying a fee to enter Box Hill, considering I’m paying a fee to watch the Olympics from Box Hill. So why not? They are the best thing ever to happen to cycling. Ever.”

UCI president Pat McQuaid was in attendance for the unveiling and stated, “I’m thrilled for this new development in the Team Sky cycling fairy tale. This couldn’t be a better ending to a grand Olympics that will have either Brad Wiggins or Mark Cavendish win the road race. I’d prefer Wiggins, but I’ll settle for Cavendish if I have to,” stated McQuaid.

McQuaid also revealed another exciting development along with the Team Sky announcement.

“Box Hill will also be on the top of our list of locations for a new UCI WorldTour venue. I am looking forward to placing Box Hill firmly in the folklore of our global cycling plan. It is definitely a better inclusion on the WorldTour calendar than the Tour of Britain. We look forward to Team Sky’s WorldTour race proposal, in conjunction with Global Cycling Promotion.”

Noted cycling doubter Paul Kimmage weighed in with his thoughts via phone:

“Cycling’s a big mess. I’m taking up sailing,” stated Kimmage.

Box Hill will feature prominently in Saturday’s road race, and will be a good gauge for future WorldTour events.  Brailsford will be unveiling additional plans for Box Hill at the UCI World Championships in September.