The key to Tour de France success is paying attention to the details. I invented that philosophy, Sky just took my invention and called it “marginal gains.” It angers me sometimes that they didn’t call them “Bruyneel gains” after me, but this is cycling and as Einstein says: there is no such thing as a free lunch. Einstein never won the Tour de France though, so I am better than him.

The other key to Tour de France success is to make a vast number of large, sweeping changes to an already successful rider’s training and racing program. If anything, these are more important than mere marginal gains; I will call them “Bruyneel gains.”

As previously stated, my scheme for Andy and the team is going perfectly to plan, but in order for me to ensure success I need to go even further. Luckily for you I am going to give you a little insight into the thinking behind what it takes to become a manager of great champions like me. Below is an assortment of just some of my Bruyneel™ (marginal) and Bruyneel™ (important) gains:

1. A helmet mirror for Abandy Schleck. Shortly after an attack the human beanpole can often be seen slowing down and looking around to make sure his brother Fränk (or “Serse” as I like to call him) is still OK. With the mirror (which we’ve now shaved down to weigh only 33g) Andy will be able to look at his brother without wasting precious energy. If by some cruel and totally unintentional twist of fate Serse doesn’t ride the Tour we can always affix a tiny picture of him to the mirror instead.
2. Beetroot Juice. I have been making all of my riders drink it since before Team Sky ever did. I sourced mine from a special high-altitude organic farm in Sierra Nevada, Spain.
3. Sacking all of Andy’s current coaches. The bandy-legged grasshopper has only won a single Tour de France, a host of young rider’s jerseys, and the odd classic; it’s clear he isn’t achieving his potential as a rider. As a result I’ve sacked Kim Andersen from the Tour de France, he’s just been holding Andy back this entire time.
4. Recruiting twice as many swimming coaches as Bradley Wiggins. After my ritual nightly Google search of myself and my book recently, I discovered an article about Wiggins hiring a swimming coach. This isn’t a new idea; I invented it a long time ago and Bradley only got the notion after reading my book. This year I’m stepping it up for the little Peter Pan of cycling. Since the poor little elfin giraffe needs all the help he can get, he’s being trained by twice as many swimming coaches as Bradley: two. He’ll be able to swim twice as fast as a result.
5. A change from standard gauge to Bruyneel Gauge railway tracks for stage transfers by rail. Standard Gauge railways are too narrow and decrease passenger comfort; RadioShack will do their rail transfer at the Tour on my broad gauge track width of 7ft ¼ in, not a measly 4ft 8-½ in. I invented it so it is the best. Bruyneel has spoken.
6. Removal of the SchleckChute™. This measure will both save weight in the mountains and prevent his namby-pamby-Andyness from abandoning le Tour. It will, of course, compromise his bike handling on the descents but I have already thought of this in the next point.
7. Drinking bottles made from solid lead. These are to be handed up to the featherweight dandy of a man Andy Schleck before descents. Some people will think I stole this idea from 1947 Tour de France winner Jean Robic. This is not true; I invented the heavy bottle system before Jean was even born in 1921. They are called “Bruyneel-dons.”
8. Remote control electronic shifting. To prevent the poor twiglet on wheels from having another Chaingate situation, I shall personally be in charge of all of his gear changes from the car with a remote control. We are also working on having remotely-operated pacemakers fitted to all RSNT riders for 2013 to increase my control over the race and the team, which is mine. I own it.
9. More coaches from other sports. The lanky stick-insect impersonator is getting tennis lessons from Paul Annacone (Federer’s and Sampras’ trainer), football coaching from Jose Mourinho, and acting coaching from Michael Caine (to practice the Lance “look” – my invention). They are lovely chaps, I met some of them through a mutual acquaintance in Spain. Andy Pandy may have lost nine minutes in the Dauphiné time trial and eventually crashed out, but his backhand is coming along tremendously.
10. Non selection of Chris Horner for the Tour de France team. Andy has a mentally weak and fragile nature, if he’s to have the confidence to be team leader he must be the best GC rider on the team. The most effective way to achieve this is to deselect Horner.

That is all my wisdom for today, fans. Even though I’m a very busy and creative man, a leader and a champion maker, I’ve made the time to write this article for you. Please respect my opinions or I will sue. Thanks.

~ Isambard

n.b. My fee for writing this blog will go straight to the LiveStrong.com company.

They cannot talk about themselves without embellishing.”

~ Akira Kurosawa

Bjarne Riis’s autobiography really should have been written as a Greek tragedy (Oedipus Wrecks? No, that’s being saved for the ultimate Lance Armstrong story). Prometheus was punished for stealing the gift of fire and Riis, too, seems to be being perpetually punished for his own sins. But, unlike Prometheus, Riis isn’t chained to a rock and having his liver plucked out by vultures every day. No, Riis has been punished by being given the anti-Midas touch: everything he grasps turns to shit.

Look at all that has happened to him with that 1996 Tour win, with Laurent Jalabert (a broken back just after being signed as team leader for CSC-Tiscali), Bo Hamburger (busted for EPO use but got off on a technicality), Ivan Basso (busted in Operación Puerto), Carlos Sastre (defected to Cervélo as soon as he won the 2008 Tour), Andy Schleck (defected to Leopard with the core of the Saxo Bank set-up at the end of 2009), and Alberto Contador (now the cycling world’s most pointless star signing). Every time the Dane seems to have got it right, something goes radically wrong.

You might think that Riis should have got the message by now and found something different to do with his life, but that’s not the Riis way of doing things. Back when he was a kid, starting out as a bike rider, the Dane was a winner. But then, as he moved through his teens, the wins dried up:

I didn’t develop physically as quickly as the others, and suddenly talent alone wasn’t enough to keep my winning streak going.”

 

When trying to qualify for the Los Angeles Olympics in 1984 Riis was told by the Danish coach that he should simply go home, hang up his bike and give up riding:

Perhaps the national coach was right. Perhaps I didn’t have it in me. And perhaps no one had ever dared to say it to my face before then.”

 

Instead of quitting, Riis, aged twenty, decamped to Luxembourg with another rider from Herning, Per Pedersen, and worked harder at turning the dream of a pro contract into reality. When the RMO squad started up at the end of the 1985 season, Riis and Pedersen were both competing for the same seat in the squad. Pedersen got the gig and Riis was left scrabbling for a ride for the 1986 season. In the end he got a gig with Lomme Driessens’s latest squad, Roland Van de Ven, alongside another Danish rider, Brian Holm. Riis’s time with Driessens was not happy:

Driessens [who had worked with Eddy Merckx, Freddy Maertens and Sean Kelly] loved telling old stories about heroes, villains and how to win bike races. I took it all in, but knew that there were only a few things that I could learn from him that were genuinely useful.”

One year with Roland was all Riis endured before he was dropped. He got a ride with another Belgian squad, Lucas. That turned out to be a disaster from which Riis was rescued only by the intervention of his fellow Dane, Kim Andersen, who recommended him for Bernard Tapie’s Toshiba squad. That turned out to be another disaster for the Dane. Until Riis got a chance to ride the 1988 Tour of the European Community as a member of the mixed Denmark-Luxembourg squad. There he was able to do a favour for Laurent Fignon. That favour paid off in spades the following January when Riis, aged twenty-four, without a ride and having to face the prospect of quitting the sport he’d fought tooth and nail to be a part of, got a call from Fignon’s directeur sportif, Cyrille Guimard, and joined Super U.

In his own autobiography, We Were Young And Carefree (Yellow Jersey Press), Fignon had this to say of Riis:

Bjarne was happy to get stuck in, he had a solid constitution and liked to work hard. Riding on his wheel was total joy, because he could do anything: go fast when he had to and go through a gap with perfect timing. I never had to tell him anything, never had to say ‘Come on’ or ‘Slow down.’ I glued myself to his wheel and didn’t have to do anything else. It’s not often as harmonious as that. I had got it right with him but I had no idea that he would make his name in any of the ways he eventually did. He had a ‘big engine,’ but this has to be made clear: he was a good rider but not capable of winning a Tour de France in normal circumstances.”

Super U became Castorama and Riis stayed a part of the team until things went tits up during the 1991 season and Fignon and Guimard realised they were heading for d-i-v-o-r-c-e. Riis was twenty-seven and had just watched a rider three months his junior finally step out of the shadows and win the Tour de France: Miguel Induráin. The Dane realised it was time to step up to the plate himself. And for the first time in his career Riis was somewhat spoilt for choice as to whom he’d ride with next: Fignon wanted him to move to Gatorade with him, and Ariostea’s directeur sportif, Giancarlo Ferretti, also put an offer on the table.

Gatorade would have been more of the same, Riis laying his future on the line for Fignon, whereas Ferretti was offering Riis the chance to ride for himself as well as working for the greater glory of Moreno Argentin and Rolf Sørensen. The choice was easy for an ambitious domestique and Riis signed with Ferretti. Two years with Ariostea were followed by two years with Emanuele Bombini at Gewiss. And then came 1996. Telekom. That Tour de France win.

That Tour de France win is where we have to loop back on the story of Riis’s rise from rags to riches and consider how it was actually achieved. Consider how and when doping entered the Bjarne Riis story. Unlike Simon Pures such as Stephen Roche who never, ever saw any doping during their careers, Riis was aware of its existence from as early as his first year in the pro ranks, at Roland. Riding kermesses in 1986 he witnessed firsthand the use of amphetamine-filled syringes. He and Brian Holm both made the same choice: doping was not for them. At the Flèche Wallonne in 1986 Roland’s soigneur offered Riis an injection:

It hadn’t taken long for me to realise that I had a lot to learn before I’d find my own place and my own identity in the cycling world. But what I did already know was that I didn’t want to turn over and let a stranger stick a needle in my backside and inject me with goodness-knows-what. It was the first time anyone had ever offered to inject me with anything.”

Riis refused to accept the injection unless he was told what it contained. The soigneur responded by shooting the contents of the syringe down the sink:

I could be pretty certain that I wouldn’t be getting much help or support from him again in a hurry after that. He didn’t look the sort who would let getting snubbed like that be forgotten any time soon either. But it was my body, my health and my career, and if I was going to take any medicines it was going to be though my own choice, and on my own terms and something that was properly tried and tested. I certainly wasn’t going to let a Belgian masseur force me into it.”

That Belgian masseur was Jef D’Hont. Ten years on from that incident at the 1986 Flèche, Riis would be reunited with D’Hont at Telekom, where the Belgian had been employed since Walter Godefroot took over the squad in 1992. D’Hont only survived a year with Riis on the team before becoming surplus to requirements at the end of the 1996 season. Eleven years after that, in 2007, D’Hont published an autobiography in which he blew the gaff on doping at Telekom.

Brian Holm, who had joined Telekom in 1993 and stayed through to 1997, also published an autobiography in 2007 and in it he confessed to having doped. Then the floodgates opened: Christian Henn, Bert Dietz, Udo Bölts, Erik Zabel, and Rolf Aldag all confessed to having doped at Telekom. Andreas Schmid and Lothar Heinrich, Telekom’s doctors at the Freiburg University Hospital, confessed to having facilitated their doping. And then Riis too finally confirmed what everyone already knew: he was a doper, just like all the rest. Unlike some of the others, though, Riis took full responsibility for his doping, didn’t try to blame D’Hont or Schmid or Heinrich. He had, he insisted, doped of his own free will.

Like many pros, Riis’ doping began with vitamin injections, which he had to learn to administer himself. Once that needle goes under the skin it becomes ever easier to rationalise the contents of the syringe, as Riis was to learn.

As well as witnessing drug use at kermesses Riis was also aware of the gossip in the peloton:

You heard people talking about riders who would experiment with different products, but no one seemed to have any concrete knowledge of who these riders were exactly or how they were doing it.”

 

Eventually Riis became a rider willing to experiment with different products. He doesn’t say when it was that he started doping (it was before 1992 and all the implications are that it was after he joined Super U) but the product – cortisone – was easily sourced. Having seen a marked improvement in his form from the cortisone, the Dane was faced with a new choice:

To continue using what I saw as relatively harmless products, or whether I was going to graduate to the kind of stuff that was said to really make you move. Maybe the latter was what I needed if I wanted to commit to being one of the best. As things stood, it was pointless training like a madman if the others were simply getting better results than me thanks to systematic doping.”

Riis moved up from the basic cortisone he was using to a stronger form, Kenacort. He lost weight, his legs grew stronger, he suffered no side-effects. Like a kid trying different brands of cigarette, Riis had found his cortisone of choice. Then, in the Autumn of 1992 and when riding for Ariostea, Riis was introduced to EPO by another rider:

I’d always been of the opinion that it was the rider who had trained the most effectively, who was best prepared and who was tactically the smartest who won races or did well. But it seemed as though none of that was necessary any more. Now I understood that it was those who found the right drug who were winning races.”

For Riis, winning was not just about finding the right drug, and EPO was just one factor in the improvement he showed during the 1993 season:

It was the combination of my weight loss, serious training and systematic EPO use that made all the difference. Losing weight meant that I simply had less mass to drag up the climbs, and I’d been able to train harder and more specifically to my goals. I was able to ride hard day after day, which had a hugely positive effect in my self-confidence, as did my improved results, and the fact that I was able to follow the world’s best riders.”

Initially Riis was only using small-ish doses of EPO. He recalls one occasion when a teammate tested his haematocrit level for him, using his own centrifuge. It was forty-seven per cent. His team-mate’s was sixty:

The figure gave me something to think about. I took EPO in moderation, which would amount to two or three courses of it during the season, normally in the run-up to the bigger races. But here was a colleague with a markedly higher haematocrit level compared to mine, and I wondered whether that meant he took much more EPO than I did, or bigger doses, or more courses. And I wondered whether there were many other riders in the peloton who were also riding around with haematocrit levels of sixty per cent.”

Having started with cortisone and graduated to EPO Riis started adding other doping products to the mix, including growth hormone:

I didn’t like it. I felt as though it somehow blocked me – that my body and legs weren’t functioning properly. Maybe it worked better for other people, but it wasn’t right for me.”

 

Prozac turned out to be a much better choice:

The pills made me feel much more positive, which allowed me to see possibilities rather than limitations. This really seemed to help at stage races, which can be very stressful mentally, and where maintaining a positive frame of mind could really help.”

Doping, for Riis, was just one element in the aggregation of marginal gains. The Dane also had an altitude chamber in the cellar of his house in Luxembourg. He dieted. Used acupuncture and herbal supplements. Tinkered with the set-up of his bike. Paid attention to his power output. Used goal-orientated training programmes. And then there was Luigi Cecchini:

He taught me a lot, and I was like his apprentice. We brought out the best in each other when we were working on developing new or different methods of treatment, training programmes or cycling equipment – anything that could help us steal a march on the competition.”

Anything, that is, apart from doping. Riis is adamant about this:

“In his time as my personal trainer he had never given me any banned products nor written me out any prescriptions for any.”

 

An important question ought be asked here: what is a banned product? To you or me a banned product is something that’s on the list of banned products. Others don’t agree with that. Back in 1994 Michele Ferrari claimed that doping was not doping if it didn’t show up in the doping controls. Many riders before and since have expressed similar views: if it can’t be tested for, it’s not doping. What does Riis think a banned product is? Here, perhaps, it’s just a minor error that Riis claims that the cortisone he first started using wasn’t banned, even though the UCI had got around putting it on the banned list in the seventies, about a decade after it was first used by cyclists and two decades before a reliable test came about. And here, perhaps, it’s also just a minor error that Riis claims that the EPO he first started using in 1992/3 wasn’t banned, even though the IOC had banned it in 1990 and the UCI a year later, although it’s use wasn’t regulated until 1997 and no test was available until 2001?

* * * * *

By the time the 1996 Tour came around everything had clicked into place for Riis. We’ve already looked at that race from three different angles (in Riishomon, parts 1 + 2, part 3 and part 4). For his stunning performance on the Hautacam Riis credits not his doping but his bike set-up, specifically his use of a smaller than normal big ring:

It was that ‘secret gear’ that did for them – I could see it in their eyes. Each time I’d attacked, I’d done so in the big ring, while they struggled in their small chain rings. It made them think that it was easy for me to be in the big ring, and that I was too strong for them. With plenty still left in the tank and completely in control, I accelerated one last time, and was on my own. None of them could follow me. This was it. Now, having broken them with my earlier attacks, I gave it everything I had, satisfied that none of them were going to be able to follow me.”

In a 1997 interview, Riis also credited Cecchini for the role he played that day:

Cecchini had told me in advance:  everything can get settled that day. The one who has the highest lactic acid threshold when it goes uphill, he’s the one who wins. And that person was me.”

 

Did doping play a role? Riis doesn’t really consider this in Stages of Light and Dark. He’s still peddling the dream, albeit having already pointed out that he was using EPO. But Riis really seems to believe that EPO was not primary factor in his success:

Bike racing was a lot more than just doping. There was also the strategy, the tactics, the mental strength and the ability to suffer.”

 

That the ability to suffer was enhanced by EPO and cortisone, that the mental strength was enhanced by Prozac, and that the strategy and tactics were impacted by doping doesn’t seem to matter. And while Riis does say that he regrets doping he doesn’t say whether that regret is based on the morality of the issue or simply a product of the problems doping and his denials caused him with the media. The latter seems to be the case, as Riis firmly believes that doping was simply “part of the job, and the way to reach your ambitions.”

One of the biggest weaknesses of Stages of Light and Dark – of too many cycling autobiographies – is the issues that are omitted. For instance, through his account of the 1994 season with Gewiss Riis has nothing to say of Michele Ferrari’s injudicious comments about orange juice and the impact they had on the team. Riis himself was not using Ferrari’s services; he’d had to choose between Ferrari and Cecchini when he joined Ariostea and once he made his choice he stuck with Cecchini. But Ferrari’s comments were important, both within Gewiss and the sport as a whole.

More importantly, though, when it comes to considering what happened in 1997 Riis omits to mention the introduction of the fifty per cent haematocrit limit and what – or even whether – that played a role in his less-than-stellar performance in the 1997 Tour.  The simple fact is that once Riis was forced to compete on more or less the same level of playing field as others (albeit one still elevated by EPO use), he was not the rider he was during that 1996 Tour. Doping may have been just one element in Riis’s performance but it seems to have been the crucial element.

Most of his poor performance at the 1997 Tour Riis credits to the Telekom team turning against him in favour of Jan Ullrich:

They said they were working for me, but it was clear that there was something going on and that it was in fact Jan who was being set up for overall victory.”

 

And then there was the state of his marriage. After the 1996 Tour ended, Riis headed off to Atlanta for the Olympics. There he met the Danish handball player Anne Dorth Tanderup and the two shared a kiss in a taxi:

Even though we’d only got to know each other for a relatively short time, it had made me want to know more about her. There was no doubt about it that she was good looking, but I knew that there was a lot more to her than that, which also attracted me.”

What happened in Atlanta didn’t stay in Atlanta and rumours soon caught up with Riis back in Denmark. The Danish media had got wind of a story and tried to stand it up. When one magazine published a story saying that Riis and Tanderup were an item, he contacted her. One phone call turned into another and the magazine’s story became true. The affair was afoot and Riis’s marriage was heading for the rocks. By the time the 1997 Tour came around Riis and his wife were in very choppy waters. Throughout that Tour it was to Tanderup that Riis turned for moral support, phoning her in the evenings. By the end of 1997 Riis’s marriage was over.

The 1998 Tour turned into a watershed for the sport. Despite all that had been happening over the previous few years, people still managed to be surprised that doping was widespread in the professional peloton. As soon as the Tour reached France after its Irish grand départ rumour spread that the gendarmes were going to hit the team hotels (something the Irish gardaí had chosen not to do). Riis immediately flushed all his EPO and got rid of his syringes and any other evidence of his own doping. Quizzed by the media as the first week of the race ended, Riis had this to say:

If this continues, there will be a number of riders who’ll simply want to go home. I’ve ridden for so many years that I’d rather stop with good memories than have to ride the rest of my career with rumours hanging over me. It’s not that fun to be a bike rider at the moment, as when people think about Festina, they immediately lump all the rest of us with them, and that’s not fair.”

Again here we should consider one of the issues omitted from Stages of Light and Dark: despite mentioning Festina’s systematic team-wide doping programme, not once does Riis mention Telekom’s own internal doping programme, which had been in existence pretty much from the formation of the team in 1989 (as the Stuttgart squad), and had started systematic use of EPO as early as 1993. There being no index to the book I can’t tell you exactly how many times Andreas Schmid, Lothar Heinrich, or the Freiburg University Hospital are mentioned in Stages of Light and Dark, but my rough tally is a big fat zero.

When the 1998 Tour ended the Dane had time to think about his own doping and ponder the imponderable: to stop, or not to stop. The biggest thing stopping Riis from stopping was that everyone else was going to carry on. Many riders came to the same conclusion and so, inevitably, doping continued unabated. Ultimately the decision was taken out of Riis’s hands: at the 1999 Tour de Suisse Riis crashed and broke his elbow. He was already giving serious consideration to retiring from cycling when his contract with Telekom ran out at the end of the season – he was by then thirty-five – and now he had the opportunity to draw a line under his pro career. Throughout his professional career Riis had been paying for personal injury insurance. In the previous year alone that had cost him 240,000 kroner (£21,000). Which is about twice his annual bill for EPO. Once Riis was able to prove that his broken elbow was career ending he left the sport with a golden parachute of more than 10,000,000 kroner (£900,000) courtesy of his insurance company.

* * * * *

Riis, of course, didn’t leave the sport. It would be worth taking the time to go through the story of Riis as a manager, but maybe not here. This section of the book is as up-to-date as it can be, ending in April 2012 and the news that Saxo Bank’s World Tour licence was not going to be withdrawn. It’s well worth reading, both for what Riis says and what he doesn’t say. Even when not revealing facts, Riis is revealing something about his own character and the issues that are important to him.

The most important issue Riis fails to deal with in this section of the book is the difficulty fans and media have with believing him today given that he denied his own doping for so long. For the most part, it would seem, Riis doesn’t really care. As he explains at one point:

I do understand it, yes, but I have put my own past behind me now and have other responsibilities.”

 

 

Funnily, this comment comes just a couple or three pages after Riis talks of having “talked a good game” during the 2008 Tour when it came to denying publicly the internal strife between Carlos Sastre and Fränk and Andy Schleck. And a couple of dozen pages before he talks of flatly denying to a journalist being in protracted negotiations to sign Alberto Contador, negotiations which Riis has just spent the previous few pages discussing.

Here of course is a problem with all sports books: athletes are expected to lie. They are expected to bend the truth in order to talk a good game. They lie about feeling weak, they lie about feeling strong. There is little or no room for honesty in sport. Honesty is a weakness and athletes must be strong. Of course, yes, there is a world of difference between talking a good game and denying doping. But the two are part of the same continuum. If you can trace a link between an athlete’s first B12 injection and their willingness to pump themselves full of EPO, then you can also trace a link between talking a good game and talking bullshit about doping. At the end of the day it’s all about providing the fans with the right amount of spectacle to keep them hooked on sport, hiding from them things that might spoil their enjoyment of the spectacle.

Riis at UK book launch (Photo: Roz Jones, courtesy of Vision Sports Publishing)

Which, of course, calls into question the point of reading Stages of Light and Dark. Of reading any cycling autobiography, especially those written by the ones who have doped and lied about their doping. I guess that depends on why you read sporting autobiographies, on what you hope to get out of them. Here it is important to stress that Stages of Light and Dark is not without its merits: within the spectrum of sporting autobiographies it is actually a good book. It adds to the store of knowledge about what was going on in Gen-EPO, even when Riis is wilfully avoiding having to deal with specifics. It adds to our understanding of what went on in Saxo Bank over the last few years, with Sastre and the Schlecks. And, of course, it’s a good read.

Lars Steen Pedersen – the ghost in the machine of Riis’s autobiography – has done a sterling job in telling Riis’s story. Pedersen is an experienced sports journalist who has ghosted other autobiographies before turning to Riis, including the boxer Johnny Bredahl and the footballer Stig Tøfting. Pedersen has managed to pull off the tricky task of making you somewhat sympathetic towards the taciturn Dane. From the off Pedersen wrong-foots you by offering a story from shortly after Riis’s May 2007 confession, a story which makes you realise there is a real person behind the façade.

Riis at UK book launch with Ellis Bacon (Photo: Roz Jones, courtesy of Vision Sports Publishing)

At the end of Stages of Light and Darke the picture that emerges of Riis is that of a proud and pragmatic man whose ambition has allowed him to fight his way to get to where he is today. Riis’s pride allows him to accept full responsibility for all that he did and not paint himself as a victim of a sport out of control, a sport in which fans, media, participants, sponsors, and governors all tried to pretend that doping was not a problem. His attitude to doping, both as a rider and a manager, has been pragmatic.

Stages of Light & Dark itself is a mix of pride – Riis still cherishes his Tour victory – and pragmatism. That pragmatism allows Riis to talk about things fans want to know – his own doping, his relationship with the likes of Sastre, the Schlecks and Contador – but that should not cause you to confuse this with a confessional autobiography: Riis is still keeping an awful lot of his story back. And, in many ways, there is more darkness than light in Stages of Light and Dark.

* * * * *

Riis: Stages of Light and Dark, by Bjarne Riis, with Lars Steen Pedersen, translated by Ellis Bacon, is published by Vision Sports Publishing (2012, 341 pages) (Originally published in Danish in 2010 as Riis, updated 2012).

Andy crosses the Line in Stage 1 of the Dauphiné after having a long chat with Alexander Vinokourov (photo courtesy of Pascal Pavani/Getty Images)

“I’m not allowed to have my ponies. I’m not allowed to have my fishing trips. I’m not allowed to race with my brother. I’m not allowed to eat my traditional breakfast that Kim Andersen used to prepare for me daily. I’m not allowed to even see Kim Andersen. The final straw was denying me my favorite Sesame Street band-aids for my boo-boos. I have had enough. I refuse to ride at tempo or compete for stage wins until all the programs that this oppressive regime has cut are reinstated,” declared a pouting Schleck as he crossed the line 1:46 behind the leaders in the Critèrium du Dauphiné today.

Team management consultant Johan Bruyneel was incensed by Schleck’s continued obstinance.

“He isn’t supposed to think. He isn’t supposed to speak to the press about anything unless I say so. He’s supposed to accept my demands, meet my expectations, and do what he is told. He has no say in his affairs. He is merely a cog in the Bruyneel machine, which has the sole purpose of promoting my exploits, nothing more. Winning is all. We must win at all costs. Winning solves everything! Win! Win! Win! Win!” stated a very animated soon-to-be-two-time-Tour-de-France-winning manager.

Billionaire playboy Flavio Becca was surprised at the turn of the events in the RadioShack-Nissan-Trek-Leopard-Luxembourgish-Capital-Sports-and-Entertainment-Johan-Bruyneel-Management-Company regime.

“I have never seen anyone so unwilling to compromise their principles for the millions I’m throwing at Andy Schleck. I’m surprised that there is anyone with morals and ethics these days. Now you must excuse me, I’m off to continue my plan to turn Belgian and Luxembourgish farmlands into American-style über-malls,” commented a matter-of-fact Becca.

The explanation for the defiantly obstreperous younger Schleck has its roots in European social politics. It seems that Andy Schleck has fallen under the strong pull of Greek Syriza party leader Alexis Tsipras, whose anti-austerity message has begun to sway power away from corporate cartels and back to the workers who create the profit for government multi-national corporate entities. Schleck has been seen on the phone, and well-placed sources in the RadioShack-Nissan-Trek-Leopard-Luxembourgish-Capital-Sports-and-Entertainment-Johan-Bruyneel-Managment-Company regime camp have confirmed Schleck has been conferencing with brother Frank and Tsipras. Their goal is rumored to be gaining more personal freedom and getting out of the oppressive Becca/Bruyneel mini-hydra.

“I cannot confirm nor deny any conversations with any professional cyclists of any nature. I will say, however, that those in the professional cycle sport are representative of the plight of all people on our planet. They receive a small pittance of compensation for the hard work they perform year in and year out. While wages have increased, the real profit and direction still lies in the unwielding control of the sport governing bodies, the teams, and the corporate sponsors. Something has to change!” declared Tsipras via phone.

Schleck refused any comments to the press after the stage, citing “discomfort and injuries” as the challenges to his Dauphiné. Reports indicate Bruyneel has been ingesting massive quantities of oxygen at a secret facility to cope with the heretofore unseen stress levels now present in his career.

Stage three of the Dauphiné continues on Wednesday.

Andy and Frank ignore Johan, looking for Kim

According to anonymous sources, Becca was heard discussing the “complete and total ineptitude of the chunky chin-dimpled charlatan” who promised him a top team finish in the World Tour capped off with a Tour de France victory.

The fashionable Karimova was seen giving pointers to Becca on how to deal with “servants who won’t listen,” advice which, according to those same anonymous sources, gave Becca an ear-to-ear grin. The Uzbekistani first daughter was in Luxembourg pitching her line of clothing, her new album, and also celebrating her recent request to be the official Uzbekistan representative to the United Kingdom. It has been rumored that Becca is collaborating with Itera’s Igor Makarov on several construction projects in the emerging oil nation, and the appearance at the event would confirm there are discussions in the works.

When asked directly about the Bruyneel situation, Becca was forthcoming on details.

“I’m tired of the excuses from the Johan. He has been blaming Kim Andersen for all the troubles to start the season, so I have removed Kim from the Tour de France and told Johan he has to sit in the car and personally oversee the Andy victory I’ve been promised,” commented Becca.

Becca also offered answers to questions on the lacklustre start to the RadioShack-Nissan season, where the team has enjoyed only two victories, whereas at the same time last year under former team manager Brian Nygaard, they had nine to their credit.

“As long as there is victory at the Tour, I will be somewhat serene with the fact there is less wins this year,” adding, “…but that doesn’t stop me from calling Johan at least 15 times a day wanting explanations on why we’ve lost at almost every single race. I have mellowed slightly this year, though. Last year I called Brian at least 17 times a day, and also demanded a report of where he was at the time, what he ate, and a daily update on team expenditures in detail via written report and oral conference call.”

When asked if a loss at the Tour would spell the end of the relationship with Bruyneel, Becca confirmed there were negotiations with other cycling experts.

“Considering Riis‘ situation with SaxoBank at the moment, I have reached out to Bjarne to see if he’d like to join our fold. The poor man is in a similar situation to Johan’s last year. Hopefully I’ll be able to negotiate a better deal with Bjarne as he is someone who has a proven track record to create winners from multiple athletes, rather than just one,” concluded Becca.

Becca is heading to Liège-Bastogne-Liège to directly oversee the team, and to negotiate with UCI president Pat McQuaid on relaxing the WorldTour rules in order to allow Bruyneel the ability to ride in the team cars at the Tour de France, in spite of the fact Bruyneel is not listed anywhere on the team paperwork and current rules thus prohibit his direct participation.

The pack with Manuel Quinziato of Italy, left, and Andy Schleck of Luxembourg. The SchleckChute™ failed to deploy moments after this climb. (AP Photo/Peter Dejong)

“I’m not sure what happened. I saw Cadel Evans pull his chute and exit the race, and so I thought it was a good time to do the same. But for some reason, my rip cord wouldn’t activate. It’s terrible. I was forced to finish a race,” commented a visibly agitated Schleck.

Team management consultant and 9-time Tour de France winner Johan Bruyneel was ranting and raving to anyone within earshot about the failure of chute deployment.

“Unbelievable. We partnered with Trek for the SchleckChute™ based on their track record with their bicycle products. They promised us no issues. After several races where the product worked, it fails when we needed it the most. We need at least eight DNFs for Andy in order for him to properly prepare for his Tour de France victory in July,” declared Bruyneel.

When contacted for comment, Trek marketing representative Gary Fisher was fairly blunt in his assessment of the situation. Fisher noted Trek’s commitment to product advancement, quality control, and a stellar reputation dating back decades. While he refused to speculate, Fisher did note Schleck’s history of issues with mechanical failures.

“Look, we all know Andy is mechanically challenged. He cross-shifted in one of the most important moments of his career and watched Contador ride off with his Tour victory. Even though he did get that one back, still, his reputation for equipment mishandling is legendary,” commented Fisher.

Upon further digging, it was discovered, in fact, that “operator error” was the more likely reason for the SchleckChute™ deployment failure, resulting in Schleck’s 91st place finish on Sunday.  Representatives from Team Argos-Shimano confirmed overhearing a conversation between Team RadioShack-Nissan mechanics and team director Kim Andersen where Andersen told said mechanics to “blame the equipment again.”

Team RadioShack-Nissan representatives refused to comment on the rumor, but have confirmed that Trek ensured the SchleckChute™ will not have any more failures for Schleck at future races leading up to his Tour de France bid in July.

In this this photo provided by PhotoSport International, Ivan Basso leads Andy Schleck, Cadel Evans and Thomas Voeckler at the Tour de France. (Thanks to RedKitePrayer.com for sourcing the photo)

Backed by research from water.org founders Matt Damon and Gary White, the four giants of cycling cited statistics showing that more than 80% of the untreated sewage in developing countries is being directly discharged into rivers, lakes and coastal areas, polluting precious water supplies.

In addition to the sewage problem, heavy metals pollution is another chief contributor to the demise of the world’s water sources. “One of the most damaging pollutants in our water supply is lead, and the fact that many pipes in first world nations prior to 1986 were built with lead means that we have a huge problem with contamination, not to mention the use of lead in a variety of industrial applications that taint our water supply.” declared Damon.” The fact that these four cycling greats may have inadvertantly ingested copious amounts of lead could contribute to performance issues in their chosen sport.”

The Schleck brothers presented supporting research of their lead ingestion, which they feel has been directly responsible for their inability to descend in races at a rate comparable to others in the sport.

“We have lead bottoms as a result of years of ingesting lead-tainted water, and we’re very unhappy about the fact that our government agencies are unwilling to protect us against this corporate conspiracy. Our descents are slow due to the lead content of our bodies. When someone accuses us of having lead in our asses, it is true,” stated a subdued Frank Schleck, speaking on behalf of his brother, Andy.

Bradley Wiggins feels that the lead content in the water supply has led to his sullen behavior. “Lead causes depression. It’s a proven fact. My behavior and actions towards the press are due to my ingestion of lead. No other reason is applicable,” declared Wiggins, rather indifferently.

Basso also cited lead contamination as the reason for his short attention span at any race other than the Giro d’Italia, stating that high lead content in water outside of his native Italy was cause for his sub-par performances beyond the borders of his home country.

As part of their efforts to help clean up the peloton’s tainted water supplies, the Schleck brothers have announced a minority partnership in a new business venture whose products will include a Brita-style filtration system, along with a Camelbak-style chest pack for the professional peloton and casual riders alike. Fränk Schleck has already experimented with a prototype system during several races this past year, provoking the ire of the UCI, who, upon being informed of the project, failed to sanction the rider. The business entity, fronted by an unnamed Dubai-based business consortium, is rumored to be targeting a launch to coincide with the first WorldTour race of the 2011 calendar.

Lance Armstrong starting 2nd lap of swim at 2011 Xterra World Championship (photo by David Tjhio)

“I’ve let the entire cancer community down with another in a string of non-winning performance in the past 18 months. The Livestrong community expects me to win at every event I enter, which hasn’t happened for quite some time,” relayed a sullen Armstrong.

Armstrong’s 23rd place overshadowed a phenomenal performance by Austrian Michael Weiss, who was the actual winner of the event. The jublilant Austrian’s press conference, however, was interrupted by Armstrong’s bellows of comeback 3.0 at the back of the room, swaying the press corps’ attention away from the victor.

“After a few seconds of deliberation, it is my intention to return to the sport of professional cycling. I have already spoken with my mentor, Johan Bruyneel, who is welcoming me with open arms to his new team that was to be led by the Schleck Brothers. I look forward to potentially helping, or inspiring, or torpedoing, their efforts to win a Tour, depending on whatever I feel like doing at the time,” declared a stubborn Armstrong.

When asked about his present physical condition, which some noted as bearing a remarkable resemblance to Jan Ullrich’s current physique, Armstrong responded by shoving the reporter against the chain link fence encircling the finish zone.

“That’s bullshit. I’m not going out like that asshole riding retirement ‘fundos’ in Miami – I’m hanging onto fierce competition with the only f**king deathgrip I know how, so f**k off,” responded Armstrong to the query.

Johan Bruyneel – who spent two days on planes just to be by Armstrong’s side in Hawaii for the announcement – was beaming from ear to ear.

“I am welcoming the only family I have back into the fold, doing the only thing I know how to do, to raise the Lance banner one more time in Paris. And no this isn’t about trying to hide an embarrassing tri finish for the best athlete ever to grace the planet,” stated Bruyneel.

When asked about the reaction of the Schlecks to the announcement, Bruyneel was candid. “I’ve never told any rider other than Lance about anything that happens within a team, so why should I start now? Mark my words, Lance will be on the podium in Paris.”

The Schleck brothers could not be reached for comment due to their shopping excursion in Monaco, looking for an appropriate congratulatory baby gift for Mark Cavendish and Peta Todd.

Bernard Hinault stands on his tippy toes to stay in the shot with Yannick Noah

Noah, whose presence was contractually required as part of his spokesperson gig for jersey supplier and major Tour de France sponsor, Le Coq Sportif, was rather surprised and bemused by the fact that anyone found relevance in the sport of cycling. Considering the vast majority of the French country used the month of July as an excuse to escape to Mediterranean coastal areas of Europe, “Tonton” Noah found the popularity of the Tour de France somewhat mystifying.

“It’s quite a spectacle to see our country invaded by Yanks, Brits, Norwegians, and those ridiculous Dutchies during July,” commented Noah, “I mean, the bicycle is great for getting groceries, but it doesn’t have the drama of Formula 1 racing or showcase the skills required in superior pursuits like tennis.”

When told that the Tour de France is one of the most popular televised sporting events on in the world, Noah was rather surprised but upon further reflection commented, “Well considering the fact that golf is considered a spectator sport for television, maybe cycling being popular isn’t much of a stretch.”

Noah offered his assessment of the Schleck brothers, Andy and Frank, based upon the recent viewing of their appearance on “Ushi & the Family” for Dutch TV channel RTL.

“One appears to walk funny, the other is the brother. They’re too skinny, and frankly, in the grand scheme of all things European, they are a minor irrelevance popular only in a country of 500,000 inhabitants [referring to Luxembourg],” declared the tennis legend.

When asked if he has ever ridden a bicycle, Noah smiling slyly, noted, “There are other, far more important pursuits when it comes to the term riding.”

Noah spent the remainder of the presentation in the rear anteroom catching up on his favorite cooking shows via Apple TV.