Cyclismas Let’s start at the beginning. How did you get into doping?

Lance I have never tested positive. I’m walking away from this f**king witch-hunt.

Cyclismas Does this mean you’re having trouble coming to terms with the fact that you’ve been outplayed and outmaneuvered for the first time in your career?

Lance (stony silence, laser-beam eyes boring hole through Mercer’s head)

Cyclismas Let’s change gears here.  Tell about your triathlon plans.

Lance I have none at the current time because f**king Messick doesn’t have a backbone. If it wasn’t for Johnson and the other guys at USA Cycling, I’d be totally screwed. What’s wrong with people these days? Don’t they like the win-at-all-costs mentality? Don’t people like winners anymore? Cycling’s full of losers. I know. I kicked their asses when I came out of retirement to podium in Paris.

Cyclismas Let’s delve into that subject. Why did you come back from retirement? Your return is being discussed as your Achilles heel, opening the door for USADA to move against you.

Lance Honestly?

Cyclismas That would be nice for a change.

Lance Hang on. (dials cellular phone) Hi Mark? Can I spill the beans on why I came out of retirement? Is there any damage to the titles if I share the truth? Yes. Yes. Yes. No. No. He didn’t ask about that yet. It’s fine? Alright. I’ll go for it. (hangs up phone)

Cyclismas So you can tell us the truth on that one?

Lance Yes. I did it for the alimony.

Cyclismas Sorry? Alimony? Can you elaborate?

Lance Sure what the hell. All my ex-girlfriends receive a monthly payment in exchange for their signing of a non-disclosure agreement for keeping my activities private and quiet. I also make substantial payments to Kik for the kids and her lifestyle, not to mention taking care of my kids with Anna. Plus, I just can’t help but have extra helpings, if you know what I mean. Seriously, the number of blondies in Colorado for the US Pro is off the hook. The boys have done some good scouting for me the past two weeks.

Cyclismas So, you’re saying that due to the heavy financial burden of your personal decisions, you were experiencing trouble making all your payments?

Lance Hey now, I always make my payments. Well, to those I like… HA! Seriously though, it was getting a bit thin. I mean, when I retired, people started forgetting about me a bit, so I had to do these appearances at various cancer events, but it wasn’t the same as competition. I couldn’t slam dunk a granny for not keeping my wheel, you know? So when Johan [Bruyneel] and Lee [Applbaum] threw 25 million at me to come back, I thought, hey, well, that’ll solve some of the alimony problems.

Cyclismas Is this why “Big Yellow One” was grounded?

Lance Well, yeah, it was getting kind of tough, and Ulman is my conscience, and he said maybe it wasn’t a good thing to keep the jet flying when so many people in America couldn’t afford their houses and food, so I thought, yeah, it might be good PR for me to fly first class instead. Plus, I had that huge water bill in Austin! Wow, that was a shocker. Got rid of the ranch over that.

Cyclismas So what’s next for Lance?

Lance Well, I need to keep those paychecks coming, or the non-disclosure agreements are null and void. And that could be a big problem. Especially since I pissed one of the girls off, apparently, and she’s already talked to Tygart and those witch-hunters. I think me and Johan are just going to do the Breakaway League without Vaughters. Traitor.

Cyclismas What about all those riders who are still supporting you?

Lance Good thing most of them aren’t too bright. Gives me some breathing room. Plus, I have a year before the UCI implodes, so by then the Livestrong Breakaway Series will be up and running.  Glad I’ve got guys like Chris Horner and Hayden Roulsten in my corner. PT Barnum was right, huh?

Cyclismas “Sucker born every minute,” true. So you’ve got a Breakaway Cycling League, and still many endorsements. The question is are you happy with how your life has turned out?

Lance Dude, I’m stoked. I’ve got houses everywhere, and more money than 99% of America. People keep giving me money, and I don’t give them anything back other than “hope” or “awareness” or “air quotes.” They are all still my yellow army. It’s pretty cool. And McDreamy says I can get a walk-on in his next movie, so I’m looking forward to that.  So, yeah, I’m really happy with how my life turned out. Rich, famous, and babes galore. What more do you need?

Cyclismas That’s the question Lance, how much more do you need?

Lance I’m like Weisel, man. I want it all. Blondes in saunas. Blondes in pools, blondes on the table. And maybe a little other action once in awhile.

Cyclismas Thanks for your time, Lance.

Lance Dude, try that sushi there. It’s like 100 bucks a roll. And try that puffer fish thingy. It’s a gooder. Makes you feel like Zeus, baby.

Armstrong ponders his next move against an "unbuyable" USADA (photo credit: AP/Washington Post)

“It was insane! Lance went nuts when a waiter apparently served him the wrong appetizer. He said ‘I FUCKING TOLD YOU THREE TIMES! THREE TIMES! THREE TIMES! I wanted lemon with my appetizer! What the fuck is wrong with you?!!?'” said one shaken patron of the exclusive Chantecler restaurant in Nice, France, where the incident occurred.

Armstrong was quickly approached by restaurant management, but refused to calm down. He allegedly stood up and started pointing at random restaurant patrons and calling them “Non-Believers” at the top of his lungs. Armstrong refused an escort to a private section of the restaurant, and instead chose to demonstrate his athletic prowess by performing 500 one-armed pushups for the shocked patrons.

It took a phone call to close personal friend Thor Hushovd, who immediately arrived to attempt to defuse the situation prior to the police being called in to address the escalating altercation.

Hushovd was able to convince Lance that an impromptu Twitter run through the restaurant and a Livestrong™ wristband giveaway were not the answers to his problems, and managed to move Armstrong out of Chantecler and into Le Relais, where French authorities met Armstrong and his posse to question what had transpired.

A statement was issued by Armstrong lawyer Robert Luskin, who is the point man for the Livestrong founder, after Armstrong was whisked away by his entourage to a secret French location.

“Lance is suffering from Post Pro Cycling Stress Disorder. This ‘witch-hunt’ is clearly the reason for the onset of his condition. I categorically deny that his ego and fame-trawling has contributed in any way to this momentary breakdown. Nor will I acknowledge any reports of Lance acting like a spoilt child who’s money and connections have failed to protect him from having his Tour titles stripped, all because of some peskily sound USADA principles. I maintain the USADA is completely out of step with how normal power politics are supposed to operate,” stated a voice via phone that had a resemblance to Luskin’s.

“Lance’s problems are a result of a concocted fantasy on the part of jealous civil servants who are threatened by his star power, his good looks, his money, his multiple houses, and his ability to have any woman he pleases,” concluded Luskin, allegedly.

Anonymous pundits, who refused to comment on record due to threats of legal action by the Armstrong team, were quick to weigh in on the situation.

“Lance has snapped. His worst fears of becoming invisible and inconsequential on the world stage are about to be realized. Let’s hope his entourage doesn’t abandon him. More sociopathic episodes could occur as those who have surrounded him leave like rats from a sinking ship,” declared one anonymous cycling commentator.

Armstrong’s next moves are being decided, as WTC head Andrew Messick confirmed Armstrong has been banned from competing in triathlons until the situation with USADA is resolved. French authorities refused to comment on pending charges, if any, stemming from his altercation at the French restaurant. Chantecler representatives did confirm that Armstrong has been asked to take his business elsewhere.