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Worst of the Week

Numero Cinco

I didn’t do anything wrong!

Oh Alejandro. I’m wondering if the Lada Gaga song was really written for you. Certainly seems so. You didn’t do anything wrong? Really? So you served the suspension for just being… you? The trouble with these “top” athletes is that they wreck the reputation of those who are legitimately working their arses off in the peloton. Take a page out of Millar’s book, Alejandro, before you receive a “Karpet Ride” from someone in the peloton who doesn’t take kindly to your lack of humility.

Numero Cuatro

Dombroski misses US Nationals

In light of how lopsided a victory that Katie Compton had at the US CX nationals (Congratulations Katie!), we’re extremely sad that one of our favourites, Amy Dombroski was too ill to fly to Madison to contest the national championships. She was quite active on twitter, and had one of the best comments in light of the nature of the race. It did bring out great secondary stories, in Katie Antonneau, and one of Nicola Cranmer’s road warriors, Coryn Rivera

Numero Tres

Hey Jealousy! Thy name is the entire peloton, according to Vinokourov

You know what? I think Vino would be great in my position since he truly understands that politicians these days need to be D-E-L-U-S-I-O-N-A-L. Jealous? I think that Vino and Valverde should join forces on the road and call it “Team Innocently Delusional presented by the Spin Kings.”

Numero Dos

Wellens falls ill on eve of CX nationals

An awful occurrence for Bart Wellens that he falls prey to a terrible infection on the eve of his national championship, and had catastrophic organ failure. Thankfully, he’s recovering well, receiving timely medical care. I won’t even get into any of the speculation at all, and hope that Bart has a very quick recovery. Best wishes.

Numero Uno

Radioschleck Datsun just can’t get anything right at all

This team is a prime example of doing everything for the wrong reasons with the wrong motivations.  Becca has already burned a matchbook with the UCI by refusing to play along in the “game” and publicly declaring malfeasance in the Saxo/Israeli business. Follow that with Bruyneel’s declaration that Andreas Klöden is a bigger GC threat than Frank Schleck, proven already to be an ineffective motivator for the brothers. Or how about Maxime Monfort’s public declaration of wanting to contend the Vuelta? Can you say “too many GC contenders in the Nuclear Reactor now set to meltdown?” Then you have a team sponsor cheerleader in Lee Applbaum who just doesn’t understand how to say the right thing at the right time, including a poorly-played twitter response to Jonathan Vaughters (see the back and forth here) Next, you have an anti-climactic team unveiling in Luxembourg that Bruyneel couldn’t exit fast enough. Lastly, what the hell is with that bloody fooking team kit? Wow. How about an epilogue? Quite the fashion faux pas in that godawful grey sweater vest which made the team look like they were mental institution escapees. This should be a superb season of infighting and racing gaffes.

Best of the Week

Number Five

Bridie O’Donnell wins Bronze at Australian National Time Trial Championships

O’Donnell backed up her article’s assertions here at Cyclismas with a great podium finish, starting off her campaign for a spot at the Olympics with a bronze in the national time trials. She missed out on the silver medal by around a second, but it does give her a great foundation for her next test.  We think she’s great voice for women’s cycling, and a testament to the maxim that you don’t have to be under 30 to compete at a high level, and have exceptional results.

Number Four

NetApp garners Giro d’Italia wild card spot

In my mind, this is a genius move by RCS. Sure, on a sporting level it might seem that these gents are in over their heads in comparison to the rest of the field lining up for the race, but it may prove to be a move that could generate  some buzz leading up to the race. Remember that these boys did get their feet wet in last year’s Paris-Roubaix, and they do have ambitions for future WorldTour status. The fact that Giro fixture Stefano Garzelli was a casualty in order to allow NetApp a spot shows that Michele Acquarone is staying true to his efforts to create a wider audience for the race. Some have already made negative comments about the three other teams being “Italian,” but Rome was not built in one day. Baby steps will win out over radical change. Acquarone himself shared with me that it’s fine to make changes, but you also need buy-in from the RCS staff as well as the public before making major modifications to traditional thinking. He’s keeping consistent.

Number Three

Nicola Cranmer’s appearance on TourChats

If only all team owners were as frank and open as Nicola. You may agree (as most of us do) with her, or you may disagree, but she is willing to have a dialogue and share her thoughts. Looks like she’ll have to make an appearance on the Overlord’s Hotstove in order to expand on some of her thoughts that didn’t get clarified. I’m happy to give her the platform. Oh yeah, I was there too for a bit.

Number Two

Jeremy Powers wins US National Cyclocross Title

How can you not like JPow? He’s candid, funny, smart, and is unafraid to wear some very flashy colours during races. He had a textbook race, with only a small fall early in the contest, and held off a strong field in Jonathan Page, Ryan Trebon, teammate Zach McDonald, and Tim Johnson. If you get a chance to head over to cyclingdirt.org, there’s a wonderful video of him and his emotion at the finish line. Thank goodness the draconian course security detail allowed him to share the moment with someone special. I’m thrilled to see Powers overcome the trials and tribulations of years past to nab the title that eluded him.

Number One

Bill Gifford does the mainstream treatment of Team Armstrong

Gifford did a balanced and true portrait of the Lance phenomena, and a surface scratching of the fallacies that are trumpeted by those blinded-by-yellow-tinted-Oakley-Jawbones-with-the-Livestrong-logo fanatics. No money for research. A private jet (now for sale). Licencing deals. A for-profit Livestrong component. I look forward to a follow up with more detail that will squelch the mass hordes of mini-Lances running around the countryside trumpeting “Awareness” “Awareness” “Awareness.” I will say, however, that you also need to read Charles Pelkey’s clarification of his part in the article. And I’m hoping the NYVelocity boys get their trademark on “Cancer Shield.”

Vinokourov models the new St. Vino Cycling Jersey (photo courtesy cyclingtips.com)

“It is my attention to declaration that I wish to be told I am a Catholic saint. My inactions should grant me sainthood status considering persecutions towards me by yellow journalists of a yellow coloration,” wrote a stoic Vinokourov on the social media site.

Vinokourov’s publicist, Dr. Aidar Makhmetov, took time away from his position as commercial director for the Astana team to make the case for Vinokourov’s petition for sainthood.

“I have examined the historical documents related to church activities. I believe I have made a case that draws a parallel between St. Thomas Aquinas and Alexandre Vinokourov. Both faced persecution in their time. Both were condemned by their contemporaries. I feel that the actions against Aquinas in 1277 mirror the persecution that Vinokourov is now unjustly facing,” illustrated an animated Makhmetov.

Vinkourov is also planning to develop his own version of the four laws of Thomas Aquinas.

“I will make them very pious and important and ethical. This will also be the stone that corners my campaign for the Kazakh parliament,” stated Vinokourov.

When asked his opinion on the Aquinas philosophy of “just price,” which states that a market price or a regulated price should be sufficient to cover seller costs of production, and  immoral for sellers to raise their prices simply because buyers were in pressing need for a product, Vinkourov chose to defer any answers to other more ultimate authorities.

“Ask [UCI president] Pat McQuaid about that. He knows more about artificial inflation of values of things. I’m a simple saint to serves the people of my countries of Kazakhstan in nature,” concluded Vinokourov.

This latest episode by Vinokourov continued a pattern of obscure and strange behavior, which has left many experts scratching their heads. Carlton Reid, part-time psychologist and purveyor of bicycling expertise on the pages of BikeBiz.com, was baffled by the latest announcement by “Team Vino.”

“This delusional behaviour is a cry for help from a youngish sporting icon who really isn’t sure where life is taking him next. Based on my expertise, it is of no surprise to see an out-of-control narcissist progress from athlete, to manager, to politician, to delusions of sainthood. It’s a good thing he wasn’t part of Saxo Bank and their Jerusalem pilgrimage. There’s no doubt in my mind he would have made the next progression to a Christ-like status,” observed Reid.

Makhmetov will be making a holy journey to the Vatican to lobby on behalf of the “Team Vino for Sainthood” campaign. There are also plans for a travel mug, t-shirts, and bottled “Vino Holy Water” to raise funds for several non-profit entities established by Vinokourov earlier this year.

Crony of the Year winner Kolobnev leads his temporary teammate (photo courtesy of ispaphotos)

Kolobnev beat out Brazil’s former sports minister, Orlando Silva, and FIFA’s Mohammed Bin-Hammam for the prize, showing geniune elation on stage during his acceptance speech.

“I never thought I’d be in contention for this award. I have to thank Igor Makarov, the Russian Cycling Federation, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, and my good friend Alexandre Vinokourov. I am happy to be recognized for assisting others in achieving their goals. I’d also like to thank my family,” shouted a jubilant Kolobnev.

It was touch and go as to whether Kolobnev would win the award, but the recent race-fixing scandal involving the Russian professional cyclist was the event that pushed him to victory. The alleged deal brokered between Vinokourov and Kolobnev for the former’s win of Liege-Bastogne-Liege undoubtedly solidified the Katushan’s “Top Crony” designation.

Kolobnev was proud of his achievement while discussing the victory with the press, surrounded by Putin, Makarov, and a contingent of Katusha’s team and management.

“It’s been a tough year. But I’m glad I took the advice of Makarov to exit the Tour de France in exchange for the Order of Merit. I’m glad I stayed silent on the doping issues in the sport in exchange for a slap on the wrist from the Russian Cycling Federation. And I’m glad to have supported my good friend Alexandre in exchange for the alleged financial compensation, I mean loan. In this world, crony capitalism certainly pays,” stated Kolobnev.

The event was hosted by the IOC in conjunction with SportAccord, and featured the comedic presenting skills of Ricky Gervais and Eurosport personality David Harmon.

“It was enlightening to see the Who’s Who of sporting corruption assembled in the same room and making deals while the ceremony was in action. Quite a sight for me to see Henricus Verbruggen laughing away with Sepp Blatter during the commercial breaks,” observed Harmon.

The event also honored Lance Armstrong with the Horst Dassler lifetime achievement award for decades of alleged deceit and double dealings. Armstrong mocked his “most-tested athlete” mantra with the help of  former media icon Conrad Black, who was flown in to present Armstrong with the award.

Stay tuned to cyclismas.com for the complete listing of award winners.