While the Tour of Beijing may run, will anyone be actually able to see the riders around Beijing? (photo courtesy Wikipedia.org)

“Look, it’s safe in Beijing. If it wasn’t, would all these people live here? It’s not liked they’re forced to live in China. I’ve spoken to many riders and managers who were concerned about the smog, and I’ve assured them the situation is overblown,” commented Rumpf as a steady stream of people entered the hotel lobby from outside wearing gas masks.

The concern reached fever pitch after BMC Pro Team superstar Taylor Phinney today tweeted the air pollution index, well over the “hazardous” rating of 300, carrying a warning that people in Beijing stay indoors or underground.

Screen grab from Taylor Phinney’s phone in Beijing

“Taylor is right to be concerned. When you have a plus 300 or a plus 400, you have a situation where athletes can develop asthma or other serious health issues from the pollutants.  It’s especially dangerous for the Irish or the Dutch, who could develop ‘McQuaidy Delusional Grandeur’ or ‘Henie Supreme Evilness’ with prolonged exposure. Keep in mind Los Angeles is around a 54, and look what it’s done to that city,” commented environmental expert Natasha Greenwell of the Environmental Protection Agency in the United States.

Many riders and team managers in Beijing were concerned as they couldn’t find their bicycles nor the team cars for training rides, as the thick smoke rendered objects completely invisible. In fact, a search was mounted when RadioShack-Nissan-Trek-CSE-Livestrong rider Andy Schleck let go of the tow rope set up to guide athletes to dinner. Fortunately, Schleck was found nearby in the fetal position sucking his thumb after mistakenly opening a text message from Johan Bruyneel.

“Considering Rumpf, McQuaid, and Verbruggen don’t want to cancel Beijing in these circumstances, what’s next? Chernobyl? A South African diamond mine race? How about racing around an erupting volcano spewing lava? Based on their track record, I’m thinking about going into bounty hunting. That profession is safer than this,” commented one anonymous rider who may or may not have been Henrich Haussler.

Brad Wiggins expressed his sadness for missing the race.

“We all know what a smoker I’ve become, and I’m fairly lazy.  I could just lay on a bench outside and get my buzz in Beijing. I think I’m going next year,” declared Wiggins.

Riders were organizing a protest at press time, and were pondering tying Rumpf to a bicycle, tying said bicycle behind a bus, and forcing him ride around the city for 48 hours.

No word if any teams were actually going to show up at the start line, or make their way to the airport instead.

I meet with the Belarusian dictator to discuss terms of the Minsk race which replaces Paris-Roubaix in the TotalitarianTour™ (photo courtesy of Belarusian News Agency Belta)

You see, we’re still smarting over the fact RCS, ASO, and other race organisers haven’t given us our full cut of their profits. It’s maddening really, after all we do for the sport of cycling to promote it for everyone. And I do mean everyone. And by everyone I mean my family, my friends, and Hein’s inner sanctum of cronies.

So, in response to the breakaway league bullshite being lobbed around by some gifted pricks who have gained the confidence of 8 of the 18 WorldTour teams, our circle of Global Cycling Promotion cronies blew 500,000 CHF in Monaco to finalise our plans for world cycling domination. Sure, we already dominate cycling in many ways – from lawyer tabs, socks, frames, and saddles to urination, blood collection, and random prank phone calls to Robert Amadio after way too many whiskey submarines. However, it was time we deposited those pesky independent race organisers at the curb. Or in the dustbin. Or in Makarov-inspired concrete galoshes.

With great fanfare, I announce the new WorldTour for next year:

The UCI TotalitarianTour™

Yes, in order to ensure total control over all aspects of the cycling world, we have created our own calendar of races, incorporating some elements of the previous WorldTour, but eliminating those components which have failed to cooperate with us. Our lawyers in Switzerland are also filing injunctions against certain Grand Tours in order to ensure full attention is paid to our newest gimmick.

Where are these races for 2013? Here is the list:

Tour of Qatar

Tour of Oman

GP de Saudi Arabia

Tour of Yemen

Tour of Pakistan

Golan Criterium International

Гранд Тур Макарова России (tour covers Sochi, Volgograd, Saratov, Voronezh, Moscow, and finishes with a circuit  around the Kremlin)

Tour d’Algerie

Circuit d’Alger

Tour of Eritrea

Minsk – Homyel – Minsk

GP de Moldova

Amgen Tour of California

Grand Tour de Central America

Vuelta de Venezuela

Jakarta Speed Week

Tour de Timor

KoM Giro de Himalayas au Tibet

Tour of Beijing

Tour of Hangzhou

Tour de Tehran

Azerbaijan Cup

The series features a mixed bag of mountains, sprints, and classic-style cobble races in some of the world’s most picturesque areas. I am especially excited over our four new “Grand Tours” in the form of  Tour de Pakistan, Vuelta Venezuela, Гранд Тур Макарова России, and the KoM Giro de Himalayas au Tibet. A special arrangement has been made to pave part of the Himalayas in order to facilitate a smoother route for the TotalitarianTour™ participants. This has been done via generous donations from the government of China to the government of Nepal, and the contributions from the Chinese construction industry. The technology available from the Chinese means that part of Everest will be scalable via vehicle, with a path straight in Tibet.

Our Amgen partners for the Tour of California are disappointed with our decision not to expand their race, but, we still require the U.S. government to take several more steps prior to receiving full TotalitarianTour™ status. We’ve asked for more random disappearances of American political dissidents – Michael Moore, Naomi Wolf, and Dan Wuori in particular – before considering a full Grand Tour status.

I would love to gloat over just how much revenue we will be generating from this venture, but as Global Cycling Promotion SA is a privately-held corporation with five shareholders, we are not, by law, forced to divulge that information. However, the umbrella organisation that is the UCI will be receiving a handsome stipend, along with a 20 million CHF makeover to our headquarters in Aigle.

I look forward to revealing more of our plans for the tour to the general public, including the mascot for the tour, which incorporates blindfolds, a waterboard, and other such hallmarks of totalitarian regimes.

Onward to “UCI Global Cycling Revenue Domination™” through our totalitarian arm of cycling, Global Cycling Promotion SA.

Sláinte!

McQuaid and Rumpf hold joint press conference

“After receiving word from the respective organizers of the races that their financial situation was dire enough to place this year’s editions of each race in jeopardy, Global Cycling Promotion has agreed to step in and take over operation of the races,” declared Rumpf, “We have paid an undeclared sum to the Basque government for the race rights, and are thrilled to announce these races as additions to our growing Chinese portfolio.”

A beaming UCI president Pat McQuaid was on hand for the press conference and offered his comments.

“I’m a little shocked and dismayed that these race organizers could be in such financial turmoil, considering the fact that cycling has never been better. Sponsorship money is up, rider salaries are up tremendously, and everyone in the sport hasn’t been happier with our performance on behalf of all stakeholders. That said, it is disappointing that we’re going to have to hold off on some of our grand globalisation plans to rescue these three races,” stated McQuaid.

When asked to clarify the UCI’s role in the three races, McQuaid was blunt, “Look we own GCP, we run races. The UCI is assuming control of these three races through the auspices of the GCP, which is best in these times. UCI control ensures that cycling continues into the next millennium. This is in line with our new policy of administering, controlling, and taxing from the group ride to the professional ranks.”

Rumpf stated that they will be partnering with the “usual suspects” in order to ensure “product consistency,” which has led to cries of foul by the traditional folks who have been part of race organization for all three races.

“We are happier working with groups such as ASO. We know what to expect from them and our other partners. The fact that the race is being run is the most important element and we’re unconcerned with local ramifications. Remember our mission is a global sport, not a European one.”

GCP will be announcing further details regarding changes to the races in the coming weeks.

This is my throne. This is my sport.

Take, for example, this carbon road frame business. Firstly, I should have never agreed to that daft public relations firm and their idea of bringing industry journalists to Aigle for wining, dining, hugging, and air kissing. It never fooking works. And I was right.  After Carlton Reid of bikebiz.com posted an article where my quotes were not subjected to the usual whitewashing (as best he can, in most cases) by Enrico Carpani, I received a letter of rebuke from the World Federation of the Sporting Goods Industry. It’s not often that I receive a letter from the federation with the longest fooking name (must have the same PR firm as the Tour of Colorado), let alone under these circumstances.

To quote Reid’s article (which can be found here; if you’d like to see where the “gaffe” was made, here’s the video from Reid’s visit )

“Safety is the number one priority [for bike companies],” said Kock. “We want to help the UCI understand the issues. Pat McQuaid gave the impression that we as an industry made a lot of mistakes. Those comments were misplaced. The way the issue was raised was the wrong way.”

Look, we all know that most of the bike manufacturers have their frames produced in China, Taiwan, or Korea. It’s common knowledge that these frames cost anywhere from 250 euros or under, if not, the production would still be located domestically near the corporate offices of all these bicycle “manufacturers.” We also know that it is also common knowledge that if the frames are painted and assembled in the EU, they can “skirt” the “made in China” label as far as EU regulations are concerned. Of course, all the money is in the paint jobs and finish coats that these bicycles go through, hence why that 250 euro frame sells to some gobshite dentist for 5000 euros.

Any guesses which bicycle company this is?

So I say to Mr. Reid and to Robbert de Kock (yes, it’s his real name) of WFSGI, “I’m sorry for saying that the frames cost 50 euros — it should have been 250 euros. And of course they are of a very high quality (until one out of the thousands of frames produced snaps during a race, then everyone has a fit); Asia is known for producing some of the best quality products that are exported the world over. Hence why we want bike races in Asia, so those workers can spend all their heavily cash-lined pockets on exciting races like the Tour of Beijing.”

Speaking of the Tour of Beijing, yes, yes, I’ve kissed and made up with the AIGCP. It wasn’t easy. That Jonathan Vaughters is one smart and crafty individual. And he talks. Forever. After six hours in the car with him, I think I would have agreed to pay for his next home in Spain no questions asked.  The worst part about my day-long adventure is the fact that it happened on the day at the Tour of Colorado (presented by some Tea Party Promises or something) when the riders went down over the cattle guard, and one poor rider ended up with serious injuries in an American hospital.  I think they cleaned out his wallet before they cleaned out his injuries.

What could be the absolute worst scenario to happen when you’re in a team car of the man who is insisting that race radios are an absolute necessity for safety reasons? Right. The next two hours were the most painful I’ve ever experienced. Even more than that saddle sore I had back in Ireland during my infamous training ride with Sean in ’78. Made Boonen’s zitvlak look like a hang nail. I had no choice but to acquiesce to Vaughters on the radio issue, as he was correct in his assertion that radios would have probably saved those riders from being injured.

However, my argument about the organizers not taking route planning seriously and in detail as a rebuttal to his radio argument opened another can of worms, as he then brought up the Tour of Beijing, which I alluded to earlier. I just couldn’t fooking win on that day. It was as if the Karma gods had lined up against me on behalf of the unruly unshaven one. The worst part about the conversation is that I couldn’t escape, and Vaughters was a dog on a bone.

The three of us look good here (Rumpf is in the middle as always)

Firstly, he gave me a hard time about threatening to yank the team’s pro licences if they didn’t show in Beijing. Then, he gave me more difficulty about the fact that Alain and Rocco were calling sponsors directly to put pressure on the team owners. In fact we pushed so hard that Radio Shack pulled out of cycling completely. Oopsie.

What else could I do? He had me in corner. Not only did I agree to radios being in for 2012, and to reconsider the “commission” that I formed to give appearances that we were really evaluating the radio issue, but I also conceded to pay the teams through Global Cycling Promotions for their agreement to show up in masse on the start line. Vaughters asked me to allow Harold, Ricardo, and Trey to negotiate the terms of the payment – I’d had enough in the car so I capitulated; poor Rumpf now has to deal with this mess (and negotiate with those three) and he’s not going to be happy about the fact that some of our profits from this race won’t go into our pockets, but instead will be heading the teams’ way. Ah, you win some you lose some…

Speaking of winning some and losing some, at least the UCI has acquired an internet “news” outlet in the form of Sietse Schelpe and his “RockyRoads Network,” which is probably an apt name for the venture (link to the deal here). Since no one really follows the MTB business worldwide, it’s our position to see how we can utilize our disinformation plan in a smaller venue before taking it large-scale with www.cyclingnews.com. I understand those folks had a great time with Global Cycling Promotion in China; it’s bought us some fooking goodwill so far *chuckle* and should show the full benefits as we move on a going-forward basis.

Always scheming, is Bruyneel.

Lastly, while on the topic of disinformation, anyone who buys the rumour that L’Equipe published today should be shown the door from cycling to a more simple pursuit, like American baseball. I’m sure Johan is laughing his arse off that he pulled an early September April Fool’s joke on that media outlet. Leopard-Trek done at the end of September? It’s all completely ludicrous.

Or is it?

This is my throne. This is my sport.

The Tour de France always provides us some entertainment value as the second most important event on the cycling calendar behind the aforementioned World Championships. It gives those of us within our realm of upper management the chance to work out the kinks in our execution of the championships by using the Tour de France as a shakedown mission.

We're slowly seducing Bill back. It's almost working....

These next three weeks also give me the indications and sensations of whom will be currying my favour from the realm of journalism. The ability to perform under pressure and bow to my media wishes is important as we approach September, and it also gives me the opportunity to find out if some of our new staff here at Aigle World Headquarters have the chops to perform their duties admirably, and there’s one that I feel it’s necessary to applaud.

In a stroll down memory lane, I remember the days when Alain was performing above and beyond the call of duty during some rocky waters. Alain, as many of you know, is a very effective voice within the UCI, and a gent that is able to get many, many things accomplished in short order. His latest victory was aiding in the establishment of the Tour of Beijing this year. He came to prominence in 2005 as the UCI ProTour Manager.

He’s a phenomenal wingman, dealing with delicate issues such as the ProTour team status/challenges in 2010, which you may recall here. He’s also great at toeing the party line, when he fired off this gem to the press in a delightful article:

“The credibility of all parties in cycling has been affected by the conflict that has market the sport in recent years,” he said. “We must now all work to restore the image of our sport, which requires a strong government.”

My favourite of his was the idea of  “relishing a climate of trust” which is our way of saying we have your fooking arse over a barrel, so you better just get onside or we’ll squash you.  My other favourite was when he was instrumental in helping get the CPA off the ground in 2006 to give the pro peloton the impression that they had a voice (memory lane stroll is here).

Ah, the godfather and the consigliere. Good times. Good times.

Yes, Alain has served the UCI very well. While I’ve been the front man running across the globe faster than a hamster in the wheel, Alain has been behind the scenes as a consigliere to my godfather. If you truly want to see his curtained influence throughout our glorious sport, then look no further than this search courtesy of our friends at www.cyclingnews.com.

Needless to say, trying to find others who can perform this role just as well as my favoured Alain, and also my lovely PA Bhon Mhat, is very, very difficult. Hence some of the challenges that we’ve attempted to work out at this year’s Tour. As I said earlier, we really want to ensure that our showcase of the year, the World Championships, comes off without any issues or challenges. Instead? I have to deal with this fooking bloody seat bollocks, literally.

I told Carpani not to make a big deal about the fines; I told him to take it easy, issue the fines, and take the high road. Sometimes the best confrontation is not confrontation, but unfortunately, like a pissed off head of lettuce that is using @GreyManrod to sue @fergs01 for being a fooking vegetarian (thanks for being follower number 2000, Feargal, and here’s your payment *chuckle*), Carpani just had to go full retard and issue those ridiculous statements.

Carpani being told that riders were cheating across the start, and as always... looking the wrong way.

The worst part is that it was fooking McGee. It wasn’t Vaughters. I mean, I can understand the confusion. After all we’d love to fine that ridiculous argyle-wearing, wine-drinking fashion disaster for pulling a Tony Dungy after only the second stage. I’m shocked that we didn’t see a ridiculous jug of Gatorade being ceremoniously dumped on him followed by Vaughters thanking God, his uncle, his cousin twice removed and some distant relative suffering from some obscurely ridiculous disease for providing inspiration for some minor win. This is especially true after his interview channeling Prometheus as the peloton picks his poor liver on a daily basis. Such a burden, the Maillot Jaune.

As I alluded to on twitter, we had to give Carpani a crash course on support staff. I mean with Nygaard channeling Riis, and Bruyneel putting on enough weight to allow some Saiz confusion, it’s important to get things right. However after last Monday’s debacle, I felt that it also might have been pertinent to get Jim Ochowicz in on the action. After @inrng absolutely embarrassed him with his 5 seconds of research on the BMC website, how could Och possibly deny the fact that a particular soigneur was working for them? All I have to say about that is maybe BMC should have sent a different press officer to the Tour, because I know that @sweide would probably have saved Jim’s arse in a big way. Live and learn. Live and learn.

However I’m digressing paragraphically. Back the the seat business.

It’s getting tougher and tougher to come up with new and imaginative ways to drive the WorldTour as crazy as we continue forward into the year that is 2011.  Safety is our number one concern, especially the safety of the riders, which is why we felt it extremely important to disrupt their collective focus moments before the launch of the Team Time Trial with the horizontal seat business, thus ensuring they understand the overall implications of having an unsafe platform upon which to rest their delicate manhood. We did sufficiently warn them at the Dauphiné that we were very, very serious about this program. We even went so far as to say that even though we started programs in the past that were never folllowed through on again, THIS time we were fooking dead serious. Well, for at least this week.

Coming this July to theatres near you, True Grit.

The unfortunatel by-product of this, coupled with some very interesting choices by the ASO for this year’s processional around French land, has been a recipe for carnage, as witnessed in the last few stages. One of the distressing consequences has been the terrible run of luck that has befallen my “best friend” sir Johan Bruyneel. Maybe the Karma gods have started to turn against the normally lucky Belgian-now-living-in-London. It truly breaks my heart to see him having to “manage” his team for a change, rather than focusing on witty Bruyneelisms. However, that aside, there is no excuse to leap for joy at seeing another human being slide across the tarmac in a perverse version of slip and slide. I’d like to see how you feel bumping across the tarmac at 60 km/hr and get back up to finish 200 km.

It doesn’t, though, excuse this sort of behaviour from certain members of the team:

Of course the impending foolishness of the first rest day, arriving in a few scant days, means that we could see the return of our three-ring circus – between the potential first positive test, or a search of a team car, or a hotel room raid, or even the heavy feeling in the room that is “Armstrong the Intimidator.” However, we aren’t going to delve into that today, nor the exploits of Joe Lindsey’s Bag, who has been very quiet on twitter, or the Cirque du Soleil of twitter commentary that is @MarkCavendish. Neither are we to discuss how freaklishly anemic the legs of @bradwiggins look when he has those ridiculously unstylish black socks pulled up to his eyeballs.

Cranky Cav and the Thin Man -- side by side.

No, instead I’m going to focus on the positives here from the first week of le Tour:

• The ASO has really outdone themselves in greasing up the press corps this year. Massages, daily buffet tables that @willfoth and @rbmoore73 seem to ingest before @miketomalaris and @spokesmen get a chance. Something about the written word being mightier than the airwaves…
• Cadel Evans truly looks like he has the finish and panache to take the psychological war to Mr. Contador. Should be an interesting first weekend in the mountains.
• Nice to see the sprinters settling down and conducting their business in a straight line, eliminating the punch pulls and other such business reserved for the futbol pitch.
• Tom Boonen. Nothing would please me more than to see him recover and challenge for green.

Yes, these days are a great dry run towards the culmination of the cycling calendar in September. I know I’m looking forward to shaking out more interesting episodes as our caravan winds its way anti-clockwise around the second greatest event on the cycling calendar.

Wasabi, anyone?