Hein Verbruggen and Pat McQuaid are attempting to evade questioning in relation to the Paul Kimmage criminal complaint.

Swiss authorities have been temporarily thwarted in their attempts to question former UCI president Verbruggen and current UCI president McQuaid in reference to the criminal complaint filed in Switzerland by Paul Kimmage on behalf of a litany of those who have suffered at the hands of both individuals. The investigators in charge of the case made numerous polite telephone calls to the homes of Hein Verbruggen and Pat McQuaid, all of which went unanswered. According to official reports, investigators in marked police vehicles made their way to both homes to find them empty.

“We made several attempts to contact both men in order for them to come in, have a nice cup of tea, and tell us their side of the story as best they could. Unfortunately, this tactic failed,” recounted Alfredo Verbieesen, inspector with the Canton de Vaud police force.

Acting on an anonymous tip, the investigators made their way to UCI headquarters in Aigle where they were met with a barricade of office furniture blocking the front door. Outside waiting for the authorities was UCI legal counsel Philippe Verbiest, who refused to allow entry to the police without an arrest warrant.

“We were rather shocked to see this sort of activity in Switzerland. We expect this kind of behavior in the United States, but to see a barricade in Aigle was very unnerving to say the least, and not something we usually see. At that point, we felt it was important to call in the Federal Office of Police to help us de-escalate the situation,” continued Verbieesen.

After a three-hour stand-off which lasted until early Friday morning, a vintage white Ford Bronco was seen leaving the parking lot with UCI spokesperson Enrico Carpani in the driver’s seat.  After Carpani’s departure, the federal police stormed the building to find a bonfire of records on the second floor of the building, and empty safes in several offices. Verbiest admitted the Bronco contained Verbruggen and McQuaid.

After several attempts to contact McQuaid and Verbruggen via their mobile phones – which went unanswered in typical fashion for both – authorities were able to establish contact with Carpani, who informed the hostage negotiator that he was, in fact, being held hostage until he drove the pair to a waiting sailboat in Bayonne, located on the French coast.

The Swiss federal police have asked for French help in the current hostage situation. French police are monitoring the progress of the white Ford Bronco both on the ground and via helicopter. The authorities will only state the vehicle has passed through the vicinity of Ussel, but refuse to confirm any other details.

“We will allow the vehicle passage through the French roadway system, and have prepared the citizens of Bayonne for a potentially unsafe situation. We have not, as of the current time, located the sailboat Carpani referred to in his numerous phone conversations with the Swiss police. We will do our best to manage the situation safely for all parties,” stated Jean-Luc Pelletier, representing Police Nationale.

Cycling pundits around the world reacted in shock and horror, while some began speculation on where Verbruggen and McQuaid were heading.

“It’s pretty obvious to me they plan on sailing to the Cayman Islands to escape full scrutiny. I wouldn’t be surprised to see one of Makarov’s super yachts showing up in Bayonne to rescue the pair from their European troubles,” commented someone who resembled Rupert Guinness.

French and Swiss authorities will be updated the situation hourly as the white Ford Bronco makes its way to Bayonne.

The decision was reached after the UCI came under fire for granting WorldTour status to the race that had never, never, never been run before  despite the long list of requests from other races for WorldTour status – including Strade Bianche and the Amgen Tour of California.

“Look, we make the decisions when it comes to professional cycling. We have the best eyes to see what is best for the sport overall. China is important to us for a variety of reasons, especially for Hein Verbruggen. What we do is our business, and frankly, other organisers who cry foul can stuff it,” commented UCI President Pat McQuaid.

Happier times for Hangzhou as Verbruggen watches over McQuaid signing the agreement with representatives back in March of this year. No reason was ever given for Verbruggen’s appearance, but his involvement has prompted whispers of corruption.

“After all, I spent 20 years toiling in the trenches to get to this spot. I am entitled to personally profit from this sport after all the blood, sweat and tears I put into this godforsaken two-wheeled hell hole,” McQuaid continued.

When it was pointed out that decisions from the UCI should be made by the executive committee and not McQuaid exclusively, the president responded.

“Look, I don’t care if the UCI Constitutions says the executive committee is supposed to be making decisions, or the UCI management committee is supposed to be consulted. This is the way Hein ran the programme. It worked for him. And by God it’s working for me,” issued a tight-lipped McQuaid.

However, all is not rosy for the organization when it comes to the Tour of Hangzhou. As reported by Chinese media last week, as of July certain contracts for Hangzhou-based companies promised by the UCI hadn’t come through, making the government uneasy about the ability of the UCI to follow through with their commitments based upon “substantial” payments to the UCI for the WorldTour designation. The UCI refused to comment on those payments, and refused to acknowledge they existed.

“It’s none of your business,” stated McQuaid.

When asked about Global Cycling Promotion’s balance sheet and why the UCI still hasn’t presented a transparent accounting of the entity’s actions (as it is supposedly part of a not-for profit governing body with a responsibility to share its endeavours with its constituents), McQuaid was again agitated.

“It’s none of your fooking business. We’re done. Fook off,” McQuaid sputtered, hanging up the phone.

Both AIGCP boss Jonathan Vaughters and CPA boss Gianni Bugno refused to comment or speculate on the decision.

Anonymous team managers were not pleased by the cancellation news. Due to the huge expense of sending riders to China, many noted it was hardly worthwhile to send riders to the only remaining race there – the Tour of Beijing – and were pondering a boycott.

Another anonymous team manager mused that with the “imminent death of the Armstrong Cabal in Aigle,” Beijing might not even be in existence in 2013, pending the rumoured inquiries into UCI activities.

Blackwater troops being deployed in Aigle.

Citing the recent rash of internal UCI letters and memoranda reaching the general public, and the uprising of pockets of resistance to their globalization plans, president dictator Pat McQuaid reached out to the firm that provides security to many US-based assets, the group known as Blackwater.

“I am thrilled that Xe Services accepted our desires for tighter security measures to ensure our safety at the top of the cycling food chain,” praised McQuaid.

McQuaid continued to discuss the changes in the cycling climate, as the UCI business practices that have been entrenched for decades have recently come under fire, including alleged attempted coercion of cycling sponsors, and more recently this week charges from WADA at the Play the Game conference of an “inconsistent and flaccid doping programme.”

The UCI plans on deploying an armed security detail with every ProTeam at every WorldTour race in 2013, and a maintaining “strong presence” at the UCI Headquarters in Aigle. Plans have already been announced to install a concrete barrier around the cycling mecca, along with an inner security fence as a secondary precaution.

When asked about the dubious record of Blackwater Security, including alleged human rights offenses in Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, and the United States, McQuaid fired back with a sputtering soliloquy, highlighting the fact that these alleged offenses were the result of a “bleeding-heart left-wing media agenda against those who have earned business profits from their God given ventures determined by Divine Right to Rule.”

ProTeam managers who were asked to comment on the program refused to go on record, citing significant differences of opinion and a lack of intestinal fortitude to express their opposition to what many feel is a “hijacking of the sport at the expense of the masses,” a quotation that none of the team managers, owners or sponsors were willing to attribute themselves to whatsoever.

However, Gerard Vroomen, founder of Cervélo, was unafraid to mince words, “I’m still astounded that this supposed governing body, operating with a smaller revenue stream than ours [Cervélo’s], can sway the collective billion-dollar cycling industry to its will.”

In response to Vroomen’s comments, McQuaid concluded, “We’ll see how small our revenue stream will be in 10 years with the help of Xe Services, Itera, and others who have united to create a galactic cycling empire.”