Uran Uran's age has come into question with evidence coming from South America to RCS Sport (photo courtesy of Bettini photo via cyclingnews.com)

“We have received documentation from sources in South America that puts the validity of the documentation presented by Team Sky into doubt. This, coupled with the physical evidence we requested from photographer Jered Gruber, has given rise to an investigation to see if we have wrongly given out the young riders classification jersey to a seasoned Colombian veteran,” commented RCS Sport representative Luca Paolini.

One of the evidential photos showing Uran's body composition as similar to almost 40 year-old George Hincapie (photo courtesy of Jered Gruber)

Team Sky representatives were incensed at the implication that Uran Uran was significantly older than the 25 years they have stated him to be. Team boss David Brailsford offered his comments on the situation.

“I’ve had enough of the vipers trying to take shots at our winning programme. Look, Wiggins is following Millar’s programme in Tenerife, which is supposed to make the peace. There are journalists running around accusing my star of being on everything from HGH to EPO to AICAR and some sort of diet shakes, and now we have these fucking muppets chasing after Old Man Uran. It’s ridiculous,” declared Brailsford, “Frankly, it doesn’t fucking matter since Henao finished second in the competition, so we’ll win the fucking jersey anyways. Fucking wankers.”

We wanted to continue our questions to the Team Sky boss, but instead he chose to tell us to “pound sand” before he went off to buy another carton of cigarettes.

Andrea Berton, commentator for Gazzetta during the Giro, expressed his concern about the controversy.

“The Colombians aren’t known for keeping accurate records. Who’s to say that he isn’t 40 or 35 or 30 or 25? I will admit he doesn’t really have the spring chicken look of say a Vincenzo Nibali, or an Andrea Guardini, or a Peter Sagan. It might just be indicative of the hard life you have in the mountains of the South American region where you pick coffee, cocoa leaves, or flies,” commented Berton.

RCS Sport has requested Uran Uran’s long form birth certificate from the Colombian government to put the controversy to rest.  It will remain to be seen which Sky rider will be receiving the hallowed Maglia Bianca upon review of the documentation.

Virenque poses with the new SaxoBank-Sungard media liaison (photo courtesy of Cyrille Margarit)

“With new technology at my disposal, coupled with my rockstar good looks, this peloton is ripe for the picking. I firmly believe that if Lance Armstrong can succeed with ‘Comeback 3.0′ in triathlons, there’s no reason why I can’t give it a go again,” declared an emphatic Virenque.

He continued,”I’m thrilled that medical advancements have made enhancing your performance by natural chemical means so much easier than when EPO was in its heyday. No more vampires, no more messy transfusions, and no more positive tests. After all, if it mimics a substance that the body already produces, why should it be illegal?”

Team manager Bjarne Riis was happy to welcome Virenque back to the ranks of professional cycling.

“Richard has demonstrated to me that with assistance from our medical team, he can compete with the athletes of today. With the recent challenges to our roster, he is a welcome addition and a known champion,” stated Riis.

When pressed on what medical advancements would allow him to compete at the professional level, Virenque was open and honest, a trademark from his Festina days, “Haven’t you all heard about AICAR yet? I mean, all the top dogs at the top teams are using it and WADA can’t detect it, even though they are still trying to screen for the stuff. It’s increased my endurance by 44 percent, and that’s ALL my endurance, including in the bedroom, right ladies?”

Riis attempted to downplay Virenque’s comments by stating, “If you can have Coca-Cola and coffee, why not AICAR? It is the UCI and WADA’s double standard. Politics are destroying our sport. But I can’t concern myself with that. I have a team to run, and I have riders to care for that have sworn their allegiance to my life philosophy.”

Noted WADA consultant and anti-doping expert Michael Ashenden offered his two cents,”Sport governing bodies are a joke. I’m going kayaking.”

The former seven-time King of the Mountains winner will be targeting the overall at the Tour de France, since, as he declared, “The Mod (Brad Wiggins), the Chin (Cadel Evans), and the Softie Twins (Schlecks) are no match for my manhood. It’s going to be a great Tour. Mark my words.”

Virenque must pass two team physicals and will be available for autograph signing at Club Man Ray this Saturday, and will be joined by club co-owner Johnny Depp for a few song and dance numbers.