The UCI have announced that as of next year, all personnel involved in the organizing of races and anyone associated with official World Championships bidding must officially change their name to McQuaid.

Speaking on the bizarre ruling, UCI President Pat McQuaid, said:

I’ve had enough of all this bollocks about conflicts of interest here, there and bloody everywhere! Darach does the odd wee bit of PR work and Andrew is a rider agent. So, what? You’d think they were getting preferential treatment, or something, the way some folk go on about it! Therefore, I’ve decided that if everyone has the surname McQuaid then there can’t possibly be any conflict of interest.”

When asked by this journalist if it wouldn’t simply be better to ensure that no members of his immediate family had a personal interest in matters where the UCI must make financial decisions, McQuaid replied:

Shoite, I never thought of that!”

Mr. McQuaid also denied rumors that he would like to see the sport of cycling renamed “McQuaiding” in his honor by 2015. The Oxford English Dictionary is also upset at this suggestion, as their latest edition states that “McQuaiding is defined by the act of gross nepotism in the face of public incredulity.”

This is my throne. This is my Sport. Live from Copenhagen.

The victory against this war has been clouded this week by the fact that my brother “helped” Richmond with their winning bid for the 2015 World Championships after the attrition of Quebec City last year. Ignore the fact that Muscat dropped at the eleventh hour during an in-person meeting where we offered the moon in order to secure the winning Richmond bid. That means nothing. It’s only insolent bloggers who are over-hyping the fact that Darach played a very insignificant, and therefore, minor role in securing the bid. There was a host of individuals who were intimately involved in making Richmond happen. In fact, I might be persuaded to consider that Darach was a freeloader. Well, he’s been a freeloader since birth, but that’s for another conversation at another time. I love the little fooker.

Happy Richmonders

Ignore that insignificant tripe. It’s unimportant. Winning the war against doping is all that matters, for at least the next 7 days or so, or until I change my mind. Yet again.

Our efforts have made the dopers run scared. We’ve broken the ringleaders of the effort to corrupt our sport. We have rid them from the ranks of the professional peloton, we have rid them from levels of team management, we have extracted them from the support folks that act as drug mules, and we have caused the arrest of the ring of doctors who supply these parasites with their products.

Yes, it is all the work of Alexander Kolobnev.

You see, Kolobnev is the only positive test this year in the professional peloton. With well over 500 target tests that were done this year, only one rider was found to have broken the rules. Therefore, based on our logic here in Aigle, he is the ringleader of doping efforts for the entire professional peloton for 2011. We are almost certain that he acted alone. Furthermore, the fact that two former riders were found with doping paraphenelia prior to the Tour is of no consequence to cycling. There was zero proof that those products were destined for use by any cyclists of any kind. This has been borne out by the fact that everyone has dropped their inquiries into the status of the “arrests” of both “drug mules.”

With that said, our rationale of the situation calls for only one conclusion. It has to revolve around the one dirty scoundrel that we outed this year. Never mind the fact that the test was one that the AFLD completed for the Tour, and that Kolobnev hadn’t had a Passport Programme test done in the 11 months prior. He’s the one bad apple in the pie that we forked out prior to him tainting the remainder of the pie. I love apple pie. It’s rather tasty. Especially after one wicked hangover.

Our biological passport programme has rendered the numerous individuals involved in the variety of doping rings that have been operating since the late ’80s to reconsider and recant their decades of profits and tainted performances. That single decision by us in Aigle is strategically the most brilliant tool ever created by any sporting organization.  What other rational explanation can be offered up as the poster child for success? This has to be a glowing example that we are bit-by-bit winning the war against doping in cycling.

As Francesca Rossi was allowed to point out at the World Championships on Saturday during her brief appearance in public, we are doing what we now refer to as “Intelligent Testing” in conjunction with our biological passport programme. What does IT stand for? Well I think that the concept is certainly above analysis by the simple folks involved in our sport, so instead, I believe I will just state, in point form, what Intelligent Testing (or IT for short) is NOT, as implied by all the useless bloggers and conspiracy oriented media types:

• IT is NOT a campaign to help the WorldTour teams understand where their riders should be in order to partake in threshold maintenance for systematic doping protocols.
•  IT is NOT a tool to arbitrarily punish those riders who may question our authority, or fall outside our wishes.
• IT is NOT a tool that allows us to extract cooperation of those that can help further our clandestine UCI objective
• IT is NOT a tool that prevents Team Managers from speaking out against what they call ludicrous decisions, like our Tour of Beijing (sorry, Danielson is positive *wink, wink. nudge, nudge*)
• IT is NOT a tool to help us promote certain riders to become our global spokespeople after a miraculous string of wins after years of almost brilliance.

Those are just a few of the many things that this programme is not.

Many high-profile “Oliver Stone” types (yes you, Gerard Vroomen), have cited the fact that we have dropped the amount of BPP (Biological Passport Programme for you dimwits) tests and have questioned why we have done this. You see, with our Index of Suspicion, one of the tools in the Intelligent Testing Umbrella Programme, we have been able to perform more target testing for those that we feel are the more dodgy part of the peloton, which in turn reduces our costs and increases our profit margin. The spectre of being tested has proven to be more than enough of a deterrent to those shifty-eyed dogs of the professional peloton to reconsider their pattern of behaviour.

Welcome aboard, my new friend. Officially.

This leaves us with more money to develop programmes like the certified clothing programme that we are developing after the rousing success of our bicycle certification programme, which will have a new name shortly – “Frame Safe by the UCI.” However, I’m digressing. Let’s just finish this doping success – er anti-doping success –  by saying that we’re winning. Winning. Winning. Winning.

My week in Copenhagen was one of pure joy. It was about igniting a formerly stale cycling nation into an army of Cav Clones, jumping on their bicycles with their aero helmets and one piece skinsuits to decimate the field of a road race with a team time trial. Bradley Wiggins did a better version of Fabian Cancellara. Speaking of Cancellara, how do you like being on a Bruyneel team now, eh? Be prepared for a year of heartache, Fabian, you’ll be the loser in many more photo finishes. *chuckle*

We also were able to begin our work on the athletes commission, which is an exciting proposition, creating a new format to keep the professional peloton in check while giving them the idea that they are “involved.” I was able to express my feelings on the fact that women’s cycling isn’t developed enough at all, and don’t look at me as being the reason for it as I’m just the president of the governing body that may or may not take care of that. You see, we have many other initiatives on the go, and really, women just aren’t a priority right now. However, I did thoroughly enjoy the armada of podium gals in bright red and blonde tones. It was pure joy.

Bruyneel affects the result of Fabianese. *chuckle*

Lastly, Copenhagen saw me begin a new spirit of cooperation with the latest and greatest member of the UCI management committee, Igor Makarov. I welcome him with open arms, and a Teflon vest underneath my shirt from Harrods. Thankfully our detente has led to Tchmil publicly saying, as he did to Alberto Celani last week, that he’s NOT running for the UCI presidency, and that he’s Katusha president. Let’s just say that those profits from the reduction in BPP testing are also being reallocated to another programme related to G6 safety. Just in case.

Having to deal with Gianni Bugno face-to-face in two meetings within the space of a week is enough to drive me to throw my Guinness pint through the nearest wall.

This is my throne. This is my sport.

I’d rather deal with Jonathan Vaughters six hours a day for seven days straight than put up with Bugno’s passive/agressive cologne-filled nonsensical rants. He’s just as bad as when he was a rider for Gatorade; he’d proudly yell his intention to attack Indurain into submission and spin for less of an attack than Schleck did at this year’s tour.  No wonder Fignon was fed up with his ridiculous antics. No matter.

Bugno's audition for Leopard-Trek did not go to plan.

Yes, friends, last Tuesday saw me meet with the CPA, the so-called Professional Rider’s Association, listening to Bugno whine, whine, whine about how it took him five months before we’d even consider him to be someone to discuss anything to do with the professional peloton. Gianni, my friend, we just do that to piss you off. It’s because of the cologne. And the fooking gold chains. Is that a beard? Is it not a beard? Are you shaving it? Are you keeping it? We’re just at a loss on that, and frankly, Adorni still thinks you act like a gigolo, not to mention the fact that @mplsminx thinks that you’re most unbangable in your current form.

Needless to say, I’m fucking thrilled to not be directly involved with the Professional Cycling Council.  However, since Javier Barrio came down with a questionable case of food poisoning over the weekend, I had to loan Vittorio Adorni the services of my illustrious manservant, Bhon Mhat (follow him on twitter @patsbhonmhat). I hope he did a fair job live tweeting from the meetings today…

No, this week is all about having to solidify my run for another term as the “supremo numero uno” of the UCI. You see, it was announced on Friday by that fop Gregor Brown from Cycling Weekly that Andrei Tchmil is going to “give it a go” for the presidency.

Now this is quite an interesting development. As most of you know Tchmil’s boss, Igor Makarov, has been part of the UCI Management Committee since this spring, when he was selected by the UEC to be one of the two new representatives for the post. Makarov and I have had a peaceful détente, as well, since he more or less circulates in the sphere of influence with Verbruggen and Rogge. I somewhat mind my own fooking business, as it’s always safe to remain directly out of the line of fire.

Tchmil's photo submission for the bad guy role in Simon Pegg's next film.

As it had been negotiated between Verbruggen and Makarov this past spring, I was to remain president for four more years, after which the UCI would be the domain of the Russians to help solidify Makarov’s resumé for his run toward supreme leader of Russia (which already has the blessing of Putin, mind you). So you could say that it was somewhat of a surprise that Tchmil publicly announced his candidacy for the position now. I mean, this is TCHMIL after all.

Not familiar with his history after his career? Well, before that, let’s start with the fact that this guy couldn’t figure out if he was Russian, Ukrainian, or Belgian. Then he comes to us, begging for work after Chocolade Jacques held a mutiny and tossed him out on his ear like yesterday’s fooking page 3 girlio. We felt bad, so we gave him the UCI Centre post, just to keep him out of trouble, and out of everyone’s way. He’s not the brightest bulb, you know. However, he follows orders very well, just don’t let him try to come up with his own ideas (hence many mutinies –  like Pozzato recently).

Speaking of page 3, we love Taylor Phinney's latest squeeze -- nice detective work Talansky! Cyclepassion!

Then the Moldavian contingent came after him with an ego stroke – Minister for Sport of Moldavia. Of course that’s like saying you were a football star for Fiji. Who? Where? Whatever. Two years that lasted. Two years. Then Makarov came calling, with all his connections and contacts. Properties in Italy, blah, blah, fooking blah in Tchmil’s name, all the while, of course, Andrei isn’t able to figure out that there’s l-a-u-n-d-e-r-i-n-g happening in his name, but I’ll leave that up to other folks to discuss in their time and way. Right folks? Right?

So what does this presidential run by Tchmil truly mean? Well judging from his run at the AIGCP presidency, not much. For fook’s sake, Vaughters ran circles around him without having to move a muscle. Tchmil only got two votes there – his and probably one of his cronies. The fact that this guy can’t even lose that gracefully (he pulled “his” team, Katusha, out of the AIGCP after that big flop) should also tell you how his phoning campaign will go. I’m sure it will resemble something like this:

Federation rep: Hello?

Tchmil: Hello. My name is Andrei. You will vote for me for UCI presidente.

Federation rep: Um, yes. Hello. Is this a prank phone call?

Tchmil: No. I am running for the UCI presidente role. I expect you to vote for me. No questions asked. Yes?

Federation rep: Ah okay. So what is your platform?

Tchmil: Why would you ask me about my flooring? This is about presidente job.

Federation rep: No, I mean why should you be the UCI president?

Tchmil: Because I’m better than McQuaid. And Makarov wants me to be presidente. He has master plan.

Federation rep: Master plan? Is he looking at improving the sport? What is his idea to help women’s cycling? Track cycling?

Tchmil: I don’t know about those things. I only know about riding fast on road.

Federation rep: Are you going to continue the global expansion of the sport?

Tchmil: We will bring glory to mother Russia. and lots of medals. I remember that part of plan. Oh and Russian president of country.

Federation rep: Yes, well, that’s great, but I think I’ll stay with McQuaid on this… you seem a little too biased in your feelings.

Tchmil: мудак. ебать выходные и умереть. *click*

Federation rep: Hello? Hello? Well that was bizarre.

Needless to say, I’m not that concerned about Tchmil and his run. Verbruggen and I firmly have everyone on side. We’ve withstood many rogue factions and their attempts to take over the UCI for their own personal gain in the past, and I’m sure there will be many, many more. Let’s just hope that Verbruggen’s attempt to wrestle my replacement for 2016 ends with an acceptance of our conditional offer, so we can tell Makarov and his boys to fook off.

I just hope that Verbruggen doesn’t change his mind and allow this arse-clown a place at the table.