According to Rasmussen, professional cyclists regularly used EPO and other drugs to pedal faster than they would have been able to without the banned substances. This little known fact has rocked the normally staid Danish Cycling Federation. “If what he says is true, this means that a great fraud has been perpetrated on the Danish sporting public,” said federation director Njal Saga.

“The drugs were used in such a way that we could avoid detection,” Rasmussen explains. “We took them secretly so that we wouldn’t be caught.” Athletes in other sports have expressed dismay at this revelation.

“If what Rasmussen says can be corroborated, then it means that other athletes might be using banned substances, too,” said Manuel Ortega de Coronado Castillo y Leon, president of the Argentine Football Society and Committee to Re-elect the President.

Descent into doping

In addition to his own drug use, Rasmussen claims to have taught doping methods to Ryder Hesjedal, the first Canadian winner of the Giro d’Italia. “I taught Ryder how to use EPO. When he used it, he rode a lot faster,” says Rasmussen.

Several doping experts, however, question this claim. “Its not 100% sure that drugs can always make you faster,” said Paolo Derrigade. “One cannot turn a donkey into a racehorse. However, if true, this could mean we’ve been hoodwinked by a lot of unethical sportsmen.”

In addition to EPO, Rasmussen reveals that professional cyclists used a combination of steroids and other illegal substances to go faster. By using these drugs, he says, the athletes hoped to win races that they could not otherwise win. “You could say they were cheating,” he admits.

Explaining his reasons for using banned drugs, Rasmussen goes on to say that “I took the drugs to go faster.” In this tell-all, provocative exposé, the author also claims that doping has been in pro cycling for a long time. “Doping has been in pro cycling for a long time,” he writes.

These explosive allegations have already had consequences, with some questioning whether the Tour de France victories of fellow Dane Bjarne Riis, as well as victories by Jan Ullrich and Lance Armstrong could have also been achieved through the use of banned substances. Brian Cookson, head of the UCI, commented that “We can’t say anything until we’ve completed our own internal investigation, but if drugs were involved in those victories, there will be consequences.”

Wider fallout?

Rasmussen’s detailed description of what he terms “doping doctors,” or physicians who provided the illegal substances and administered them to willing athletes, suggests even broader patters of doping. When asked in a telephone interview if he believed that other athletes in sports such as football, baseball, soccer, and chess were also doping, Rasmussen answered, “Yes.”

Not everyone was shocked by the revelations, and some commentators were openly skeptical. According to Phil Liggett, a veteran reporter of the Tour, “I don’t believe it was widespread. Maybe the odd cheater here and there, but that’s it. The vast majority of the pro peloton is, and has always been, squeaky clean.”

Not Pat McQuaid, by Scott O’Raw of Velocast

“Clearly there has been confusion regarding who was responsible for the ills of the UCI, and I feel it my duty to make sure that everyone knows that I am Not Pat McQuaid.  Pat McQuaid is the chap to blame for the lack of development in women’s racing, the lack of progress on dealing with doping, and the sock length thing. Not me. I was here on Twitter all along. No, I want to fix everything the real Pat McQuaid has allowed to fester, in return, of course, for an undisclosed yet no doubt significant salary.”

In an effort to put clear water between himself and everyone else who has yet to be nominated for the backdated election, DJ-NPMQ, as he wishes to be called, poured scorn on anyone who thinks he was the incumbent responsible for anything funny, corrupt, or just plain daft. “That other chap has done bugger all for the sport, other than making it look stupid to the world and fast tracking Asian events of which no one I know for sure makes any financial gains.”

After sinking another Scotch on the rocks, the artist formerly known as Pat continued, ‘That McQuaid chap was clearly Irish, and as a citizen of both Casablanca and Kho Samui, there should be no confusion regarding my allegiance to Swiss cycling. I can’t possibly be him as he has a strong Irish accent whereas I merely am very good at impersonating someone who has a strong Irish accent. I would also like to clarify that Brian Cookson is claiming credit for good things in British cycling that were not achieved by him, but by another man with the same name.”   Future UCI president Brian Cookson responded furiously to anything on Twitter, his PR firm intern stating, “Yet again Pat McQuaid is a clown. Brian, I mean I, am Not Pat McQuaid and neither or so is his/my wife. #shizzle”

Froome Skyrider and his PodRacers (Reuters image)

Technically still illegal, PodRacing is massively popular throughout the galaxy and draws large crowds, and even larger bets.  Normally raced individually, the Neece PodRace is unusual for being a team event, where the winners have to get five racers over the line in one piece.  The famed twin-headed race commentator SherGett keeps the crowds entertained by misidentifying the racers and pointing out repeatedly which are former Mountain Bikers.

The droids from OPQS, able to process information in mere microseconds, take an early lead and are soon looking unbeatable.  Skyrider and his team huddle to discuss tactics before they set out.  Knowing that JaBrailsford stands to lose a fortune should he not win, Skyrider confides in his team that his intention is not actually to win the race, but to come in close to the winners time so as not to arouse suspicion.  He plans to infiltrate JaBrailsford’s compound, rescue Princess Michelle and wreak his revenge.

Never predictable, the PodRace takes an unexpected turn when the wildly popular team from Orica Major somewhat surprisingly overtake the OPQS droids.  The team consists of fierce and fearless warriors who are incredible natural pilots.  They carried good odds going in to the event, and the Hutt are furious that they are losing vast amounts of money to those who had placed bets of them.  As the Hutt try to leave with their money intact, a riot begins in the crowd.  Unaware of the drama unfolding around them, the jubilant Oricans head straight out to Chalmun’s Cantina for some space beers to celebrate their victory.

To be continued…

The latest shortcut for cycling performance enhancement was revealed by the UCI to be DB01050

“Upon examination by our extensive legal team here at the UCI, numbering in the hundreds, we have gone through our lab notification archives to discover a new drug scourge which previously went undetected. It is known to be DB01050. For some reason, our software programme has been unable to flag the widespread use of this product,” stated head legal council Philippe Verbiest during a press conference in Ulan Bator, where Verbiest was signing off on the latest WorldTour scheme for Global Cycling Promotion SA.

“The drug cause pain sensors to be dulled, and can actually repair certain tissues which have been damaged by overuse of muscle groups, in particular the legs and arms. It works in concert with the central nervous system to allow riders to extend their performance in difficult stages,” continued Verbiest.

Verbiest refused to comment or speculate on the reasons why the UCI has previously been unable to detect such widespread use of DB01050, which has been rumoured to be as high as 80%.

“We perform cost/benefit analysis on a daily basis at Aigle. And it could be that one of the other members of our law cadre at the UCI might have felt the damage to the sport would have been too high if it had been revealed. I’ll have to look through my legal notes in Asana to determine where our oversight occurred,” continued Verbiest.

Cycling commentators around the world have begun to scream “CONSPIRACY” as the UCI, once again, deals with yet another scandal following a series of death blows beginning with the Festina Affair, then the haematocrit debacle, followed by the constant Armstrong denials peppered with CERA exposés, and continuing right through to the Contador drama.

“The level of ineptitude at the UCI has reached biblical proportions. I’m expecting the four horsemen of the apocalypse to lay waste to the monstrosity of pompous legal mumbo jumbo known as UCI headquarters. How many screw-ups can this organization have before the IOC just decides to shut them down? It’s an absolute joke,” stated one commentator who refused to be named for fear of reprisals.

Several professional cyclists came out slamming the latest string of stupidity from the UCI, including noted homeopath, Francesco Mancebo, who chose to colorfully comment on the situation.

“Look, I see guys popping pills during races faster than a Pez dispenser hooked up to a tennis ball launcher. It doesn’t surprise me that the pro peloton takes whatever they can, as the odds of them being caught are slim. I’m waiting for some guy to jack up on EPO at the start line as the UCI say they can’t do anything because their lawyers said he was on the wrong side of the barriers and can’t be punished,” revealed the 5-hour Energy/Kenda star, who took time away from a meeting with anti-doping crusader and team manager Frankie Andreu for his comments.

Verbiest refused to comment or speculate on when the UCI would begin an in-depth investigation into the DB01050 scandal. The UCI legal counsel stated that with the array of scandals they have currently on the UCI docket, DB01050 would have to take a number and probably wait until 2018 for resolution.

UCI president Pat McQuaid refused to comment on the developments, saying he would defer to the expert legal advice of the UCI advisors who, to date, haven’t steered him wrong.

Last seen on the silver screen dressed in a black PVC outfit while frolicking with a feline Anne Hathaway in The Dark Knight Rises, Bale inadvertently revealed to the world the nature of his current work project on Sunday when he let one of Hollywood’s biggest secrets out of the bag after being recognised in Saxo Bank-Tinkoff colours powering up the Cauberg.

Minutes later he was then spotted downing a pint of Amstel while standing next to an equally emaciated Spaniard and a grinning barrel-chested Australian.

In a worldwide exclusive, Cyclismas now can reveal that Bale has been working on a Terrence Malick-directed film entitled Roman Revolutions – a study of the class struggle of the Czech Republic told through the the prism of a local cycling club in the small town of Moravská Třebová and its star rider.

The young Kreuziger is indeed that star rider. Born with a silver spoon in his mouth to members of the Czech aristocracy, Kreuziger has access to so many top-of-the-range bikes at a young age that he is able to provide the equipment for his entire club team, whereby uniting a motley crew of riders from all walks of life.

When Kreuziger is spotted by an Italian scout at the annual Udánky Cyclo-Cross Championships, the young hero is prised away from his hometown and embedded with the Liquigas squad over the mountains in Italy. But his memory and example lingers, its harmonising effect bringing generations together and making Moravská Třebová one of the biggest success stories of the Schönhengstgau region.

During holidays, Kreuziger returns home to regale his old club friends with stories of communal saunas, trips to the local Ferrari factory, the ‘Oss’ body art movement, and a messiah known only as ‘Sagan’.

Roman Revolutions was due for limited release in France this July but is now expected not to be seen until a three-week run starting in late August over the border in Spain.

Although shooting has almost come to an end, Bale has become so engrossed in his role that he reportedly stays in character 24-7 and has even undergone a vigorous training programme to keep his weight down to borderline skeletal.

Bale initially underwent a phase of gruelling training in Kazakhstan before being offered an escape route by a Danish personal trainer on the Canary Islands.

The Welsh-born actor is no stranger to the kind of drastic weight less required to convincingly portray a professional cyclist of Kreuziger’s slight stature.

Back in 2000, Bale spent months tanning and exercising in order to achieve the Olympian physique of the crazed Patrick Bateman character in American Psycho – only to shed 27kg to play the role of an emaciated insomniac in The Machinist months later.

By the time Bale had finished shooting The Machinist, he weighed just 55kg – putting him in good stead for a future role as a pro bike racer.

Having signed on the dotted line to be the face (and biceps) of the rebooted Batman franchise, Bale then put back 45kg in six months – indirectly mimicking Jan Ullrich’s much-publicised off-season weight fluctuations. Bale’s role of Bruce Wayne in Christopher Nolan’s Batman Begins essentially saw the actor pick up where Patrick Bateman left off – just minus the axes and gold-rimmed business cards.

In between filming the second and third installment in the franchise, Bale entered the ring alongside “Marky” Mark Wahlberg in the award-winning boxing biopic The Fighter. His portrayal of Dicky Eklund – a doped-up former boxer – required his forearms and collarbones to look less like those belonging to a gothic Hulk Hogan and more to resemble an array of wooden coat hangers.

Bale’s ability to convey Eklund’s constant fight with drug addiction and chronic weight loss are said to have convinced the makers of Roman Revolutions that the 39-year-old was ideal candidate to portray a modern day professional cyclist.

In a bid to “get into the role” more, Bale is said to have joined Saxo Bank on their winter training camp on Gran Canaria, where he not only impressed manager Bjarne Riis with his cycling ability but also with his uncanny resemblance to the real Roman Kreuziger.

So impressed was Riis that he actually asked Bale to step in as Kreuziger during Sunday’s Amstel Gold Race, expected to be a two-way battle between world champion Philippe Gilbert and podium felon Peter Sagan.

But Bale – channelling his inner Kreuziger (or not, perhaps) – went on to win the race after an opportunistic solo attack on the penultimate ascent of the Bemelerberg 7km from the finish.

After the race, Bale/Kreuziger had a run in with a photographer who had veered into the picture while he was celebrating on the podium.

“Am I going to ride around and knock your f***ing camera down in the middle of a race? Then why the f*** are you walking right through? Ah-da-da-dah, like this in the background,” raged the Terminator Salvation actor. “What the f*** is it with you? What don’t you f***ing understand? Give me a f***ing answer!”

When the photographer – thought to be called Graham – told whom he thought was the stage 19 winner from last year’s Giro that he had managed to take a nice snap of his pint-downing prowess on the podium, Bale/Kreuziger replied: “Ohhhh, goooood for you. And how was it? I hope it was f***ing good, because it’s useless now, isn’t it?”.

It was one sour moment in an otherwise memorable day.

Bale’s portrayal of Kreuziger has got the movie world in raptures of delight, with rumour spreading like wildfire that Roman Revolutions will win a cluster of awards at the forthcoming Cannes Film Festival in May.

But Bale’s performance has left Riis in a bit of a quandary. It is thought that the big Dane would like to ask Bale to fill in once again as Kreuziger in the Giro d’Italia, which starts on 5th May. Such a tactic would mean the real Kreuziger would be required to moonlight as Bale at the swanky film festival on the French Riviera.

The Czech rider is thought to be considering the swap as long as he can ride an undetected Ferrari to and from the ceremony. He is also currently undergoing elocution lessons to sound more like a Englishman who has watched too many American sitcoms.

“After conducting a random out-of-commentating test on April 7th, 2012, we found substances that would indicate possible performance enhancements by both Steve Schlanger and Todd Gogulski. In line with our code, we have forwarded the file to the UCI for follow-up. As of today, Schlanger and Gogulski have not requested a review of their B sample,” stated a representative from WADA.

Most of the cycling world were expecting to the duo to be nabbed for commentary doping after their performance on April 6th, 2013, when they made a series bizarre on-air references about Movistar rider Nairo Quintana. Instead of the typical veiled commentary made popular by most journalists and analysts, the Universal Sports pair chose to publicly question the validity of Quintana’s performance.

However, legal representation for Schlanger and Gogulski are incensed over the findings, saying his clients were the victims of a “witch-hunt” and “target-testing.”

“It’s a proven fact that 90% of the commentating pool would return an AAF. My clients are being singled out for actions echoed in commentating booths around the world. The fact that this “out-of-commentating” test should happen to occur the day after they caused a well-justified uproar is the sort of problem facing the entire sport today,” stated Steven Sondhurst, legal representative for the beleaguered duo.

In keeping with WADA rules, Universal Sports immediately took action to suspend the duo from commentating duties pending an investigation into the matter.

“We will be cooperating fully with WADA and the UCI to get to the bottom of this situation. However, we are shocked that these two credible journalists would be singled out after so many commentators on Sporza and Eurosport have been known to be guilty of journo-doping in the full presence UCI brass and yet have escaped testing and sanctions,” stated Bonnie Fromstein, a representative from Universal Sports.

WADA refuses to divulge what may have been the substances discovered during the out-of-commentating test. However, other commentators have been speculating as to what the duo may have been guilty of ingesting.

“We all know that comments like the ones that occurred on April 6th are usually the result of some sort of hallucinatory product, maybe even something peyote-like, which is also used for commentator medicinal purposes. If it was peyote, I’m sure there will be the appropriate Therapeutic Use Exemption produced to explain the positive,” commented one Eurosport commentator familiar with the situation.

Some in the commentary pool were not as pleasant in their assessment.

SBS Cycling Central pundit Phil Gomes wrote a well-reasoned rebuttal to the duo’s on-air comments in addition to tweeting,

“Schlanger and Gogulski’s take was particularly egregious, and seemingly misinformed, a cheap shot.”

No word from the UCI when a resolution to the case will be had. The duo remain on “administrative paid leave pending investigation” status at Universal Sports.

Fly to Flanders, kiss your KOM goodbye

In a move designed to placate the amateur riders of Catalonia, beloved airline Ryanair have agreed to share passenger data with GPS performance website Strava.

It appears that the huge number of professional cyclists registered in the Girona area has been upsetting average carbonised club riders who have found it impossible to gain any coveted QOMs and KOMs. Despite the best efforts of locals to motorpace or team time trial favourite segments, they remain out of reach to anyone outside at least a Pro Continental team.

“Our reason for riding has gone now, stolen by these slim divas, without a thought to our self-esteem,” said Casa Nova Amic, president of the Girona and District Gentlemen’s Athletic Bicycle Club. “There was a time when young lads could rip up the Rocacorba and nip into the top 20, but now they find that they’re barely in the top 200. Furthermore or less, with an influx of pro women to the region the gentlemen riders are losing more places. This travesty prompted us to approach Ryanair, and we are so grateful that they have launched this initiative. Personally I was devastated that even an electric scooter was insufficient to progress beyond 768th on the track to my own home.”

The new scheme, dubbed locally as “Take out the take-offs,” uses Ryanair check-in information to alter the Strava data of any person between the age of 19 and 40 who takes more than four flights per month from Girona airport.  When a name tallies with the UCI licence data, the information is sent to Strava, who then run the uploads through a complex algorithm which takes into account their season’s points tally. Extra deductions are made for flights to Tenerife.

When pressed on data protection issues, Ryanair spokesman Michael Flatley sought to allay riders’ fears. “No one will know who is flying where, just that a KOM or QOM has become vacant when Hesjedal, Martin, Garner and co. leave town. As the airline that everyone loves most, we believe that being loved by even more cyclists can’t be a bad thing. In addition, part of the deal with Strava now allows pilots to set up Strava segments between airports to compete with each other, something sure to improve flight times if not fuel efficiency. If it proves popular we will extend it to baggage handlers in Manchester.”

The move has not gone down well with one Girona-based media magnate. “It took weeks to hack into the UCI licence database so I could add myself and get confidential emails from them. Now if I want to show up on the Strava section between bars on the Banyoles main street I’ll have to hack in again to remove myself.”

Strava were unable to comment as their server had crashed under the weight of new data processing, but we believe that they have welcomed the opportunity to have wealthy users regain a smidgen of pride. Whilst one un-named professional initially asked what Strava was, when pressed further, expressed his belief that the move would simply lead to an increase in the use of private jets and Barcelona airport.

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An Orange bus, alone with God and Medicine.

Whilst all other teams parked their death- and near-death star buses in the town square, the Basque battlers were located between the church and the medical tent.

Team welfare director Xanadu Xeriously stressed that the decision was deliberate to fulfil two key roles in rider safety.  “All the team were able to pray in church to prevent crashes on the sign-in stage, and the actual bicycling activity of the day was coated in prayer.  We were also able to speed up the medical treatment of crashing orange people by having a 2-meter gap between the medical tent and the team bus”.

St Xhute, patron saint of the overshot corner, received the prayers and also passed some onto St Counter-Xteer, patron saint of the front wheel losing traction.

Xeriously went on to add, “We travel far north beyond the Arctic circle to boost the commercial awareness of a Basque telecommunications company, and therefore feel it is vital to call upon the protection of higher powers.  If they bugger up there is always the medical tent. And while you’re here perhaps you can tell me why none of the cycling writers ever want to talk to us? We had one rider finish for God’s sake, which is more that can be said for another team in some year or other.”

Greipel and Gilbert share a moment during times where the alleged “doping,” exposed by hidden camera, had occurred. (Image courtesy ispaphoto.com via cyclingnews.com)

Vayerasco coerced both Gilbert and Greipel to attend a clandestine breakfast meeting prior to Gent-Wevelgem, placing a hidden camera in a teapot especially commissioned by RTL to film the conversation in the hopes the cyclists would reveal their doping exploits. The camera itself carried a price tag of $30,000 US dollars, according to the exposé.

“I must admit, I do use bananas, Coca-Cola, and coffee in my training. I’m a little uncomfortable about having to use these products, but unfortunately it’s extremely necessary in the world of cycling,” admitted an emotional Greipel during the hidden camera footage.

The candid video revealed the extreme measures the pair have taken in their use of external products to enhance their cycling performances, with Gilbert also admitting to his doping products of choice during the racing season.

“I sometimes have to rely on aspirin. I know I shouldn’t, but the racing schedule can be difficult. I also must admit that I sneak significant amounts of Nutella into the hotel room,” relayed a tearful Gilbert.

In footage shot at his Swiss compound, SKINNY BIDONS chairman Jimmy Phullovhymselv – the mastermind behind this shocking exposé – told viewers, “My brilliant joint venture with RTL and ZDF to expose the massive doping problem in the peloton today is a shining beacon of absolute sporting purity. It should make me the king of all sports! It should also cause the entire world to buy my innovative bidon, “SKINNY BIDONS,” as this product would end all doping in all sports.”

Representatives of both Greipel and Gilbert were rather unmoved by the revelations, and really couldn’t understand why this was news at all.

“I think the general public consumes more coffee in three hours than both Greipel and Gilbert do all season. This tempest in a $30,000 teapot is quite ludicrous, but I guess this is what cycling has become,” stated Lotto-Belisol team manager Marc Sergeant.

BMC Racing owner Andy Rihs was also rather blasé about the “revelations.”

“Is there any way we can just ban this Phullovhymselv character? Frankly, the attempt at causing a spectacle with incredibly ridiculous assertions about cycling make him look foolhardy. It’s also a grand waste of all of our time,” commented Rihs.

Overnight reports show the RTL/ZDF joint venture was a colossal flop. Numbers reveal most viewers switched off the exposé within the first 15 minutes of the two-hour presentation, which showed Greipel eating bananas in slow motion at least 24 times.

Cycling pundits also shared their feelings about the exposé.

“I was really happy to find out who Philippe’s barber is. He does a masterful job on his hair. Also, I never knew Andre Greipel was such a fan of the Twilight movie sagas,” commented Spanish journalist Fran Reyes, when asked about which parts were the most shocking to him.

As of today there were no comments from the UCI on the exposé. When asked to comment on the broadcast, UCI management committee member Tracey Gaudry could be heard laughing hysterically in the background as her press officer stated she had no official statement about the situation.

UCI president Pat McQuaid was unavailable for a quote as he was drumming up votes for his upcoming bid for re-election in September.