image courtesy @BillyElNino‘s TwitPIcs

So, who is it?

Alberto Contador, Andy Schleck, Cadel Evans, Bradley Wiggins, Damiano Cunego, Ivan Basso, Danilo Di Luca, Denis Menchov, Michele Scarponi, Ryder Hesjedal, Alejandro Valverde, Vincenzo Nibali, Juan Jose Cobo, Stefano Garzelli.

One of these Grand Tour winners stands accused by the “anonymous insider” that is The Secret Pro of being imminently outed as a doper.

“There’s talk going around the peloton that a former Grand Tour winner [is] about to be taken down for a [sic] biological passport irregularities,” TSP writes from behind his cape of anonymity in his sporadic column for the Australian website Cyclingtips.

“I can’t say who it is but when the news breaks you’ll know who I’m talking about. If it’s true, it’s a good thing that’s [sic] he’s been found out; it shows that the biological passport is doing its job.”

It’s funny to think that just weeks before, the question on everyone’s lips was the same: who is it?

But we weren’t seeking the identity of a Grand-Tour-winning doper as much as musing over which rider in the peloton was the inspiration behind TSP.

Although not many of us were – because not many of us were actually reading the column, which hadn’t proved to be anywhere near as explosive or interesting as the concept first promised.

All of a sudden – everyone’s going on about TSP. Funny that. Shows just how a bit of sensationalism can get open flood gates.

Just who is the Secret Pro anyway?

The opening introductory column back in December promised readers that the man behind the ghost-written articles had “raced multiple Grand Tours, Classics and World Championships, and finished highly in some.”

TSP’s opening offerings explained how he and his team-mates referred to the riders of Androni Giocattoli as “dicks and vaginas” because of the overload of personal and team sponsors on their shirts.

We were told that Katusha deserved their WorldTour slap-down because “where there’s smoke there’s fire” and that doping “just does not happen on my team.” (Of course not – not the mighty GreenEdge!)

We learnt that Michele Scarponi irritates TSP more than Lance Armstrong because “he’s been done twice now and still he’s rolling around winning races.” An odd comment, given Scarponi’s last win came back in 2011 (although given his current form on the Giro, the Italian is certainly still “rolling around”).

In short – the titbits we were being fed were rather paltry.

And then… boom! The shit suddenly hit the fan.

In his latest column TSP held nothing back, first lambasting the Eurosport TV coverage for the “opinionated” commentary of David Harmon and Magnus Backstedt, then laying into his sponsors’ new equipment (“some… is absolute crap”).

This was a mere amuse bouche for his big revelation: that a current Grand Tour winner was about to be taken down by the UCI for irregularities in his blood passport – and that most of the peloton knew about this.

Well, it’s nice to see the omertà is still going strong if 207 professionals doing their thing in Italy won’t out the fiend amongst them; that the only guy who has the gumption to say something is a chap hiding behind a mask and writing for an Australian cycling website.

Of course, the statement sparked a frenzy of finger-pointing on Twitter.

Keen to stir the pot, yours truly partook in some of the speculation by commenting that this has not been a good week for Bradley Wiggins – deprived of Tour de France leadership, subject to a Colombian conspiracy, and then discovering that he may not have been the first Briton to win a Grand Tour anyway, that his nemesis Chris Froome may have beaten him to it.

Most ignoramuses thought this was tantamount to Saddles suggesting that Wiggo was the man with “no admission” stamped in his passport. They clearly missed the point that it was a reference to the 2011 Vuelta a España, in which Froome finished second to a rider who hasn’t exactly set the world on fire since his first and only Grand Tour victory.

Look at it another way – it doesn’t take a blood passport to make one entry in this sequence look rather suspicious: DNF, DNF, 20th, DNF, 10th, 1st, 30th, 67th.

Besides the balding enigma that is Juanjo, many people flagged up Ivan Basso’s name – given that the Italian had withdrawn from the Giro just days before the start with a mysterious cyst on his bottom. (In hindsight, this was suspicious – just like Alessandro mysteriously hanging up his Sidi cycling shoes on the eve of his home Tour…).

After all, you’d think that in the wake of any passport irregularities, the UCI would have pulled the rider in question from racing the Giro – which discounts Evans, Wiggo, Cunego, Di Luca, Scarponi, Hesjedal, Nibali, Cobo and Garzelli. Of those riders, Di Luca and Scarponi aren’t exactly angels – and if it emerges that it’s one of these two riders whom TSP is referring to, we really should track the covert cyclist down and give him a real beating.

Besides Basso, that leaves Contador and Valverde, who have been snared in the past, Schleck, who is the past, and Menchov, whose name was recently mentioned by Michael Rasmussen as one of Rabobank’s long list of blood dopers from back in the day. His name makes sense – and he has been rather quiet in recent months.

Obviously feeling the heat, Menchov (via his spoof Twitter account @DeniMenchoff) put a word of warning out, saying:

This bloody @iamthesecretpro should be careful if ever he walk on streets of Moscow without kneecap protection…

— DeniMenchoff (@DeniMenchoff) May 7, 2013

Anyway, there’s no point in speculating because, as TSP assures us, we’ll soon find out when the news breaks. So that leads us back to the second facet of the original question: who is it?

Well, many people seem to think the secret pro is Argos-Shimano’s Koen de Kort – primarily because he ticks the boxes in terms of his race time table, plus there was once mention of a present given out by John Degenkolb to his Argos team-mates following his five Vuelta stage wins.

But has Koen really “finished highly” in multiple Grand Tours, Classics and World Championships? A criterion which would discount Tyler Farrar too.

Besides, in the latest column, TSP lays into @UCI_Overlord following the much-publicised issues with the Paul Kimmage fund – and Koen has been a good friend to Not Pat McQuaid. The Dutchman already has a column with Cyclingtips too, which would make him being TSP a bit obvious (not to mention barrel-scraping).

Personally, Saddles initially felt there was no way TSP could be anyone but an Australian. I mean, who from outside Australia would wax lyrical about a city as sterile as Adelaide? And who, apart from an Australian, would extol the “brilliance” of Matt Keenan’s TV commentary (you may have had the misfortune to hear this chap on global highlights packages – he’s the Australian chap with a high-pitched voice who makes Phil and Paul seem like the Penn & Teller of cycling).

What’s more – which other English speaking nation shows such disregard to spelling and grammar? (It’s “let’s” not “lets’” – unless someone is doing the letting, in which case its “lets”.)

Of course, such trifles with spelling and syntax are more of an issue with whoemver is ghost-writing and editing the thing – presumably after an explosive reveal-all phone chat or Skype session with TSP (at least, that’s what we’re meant to think).

But this got Saddles thinking. There are some things in the columns that just don’t read like anything a professional cyclist would say.

Granted, occasionally you get Mark Cavendish going all poetic by describing himself as “the exhaust – you know, the bit that makes all the noise” to the “kit car” that is his Omega Pharma-Quick Step team. But on the whole, riders aren’t so colourful with their words.

So an eyebrow of suspicion rises when reading TSP’s assertion that Cadel Evans has “always had a chip on his shoulder, but this time it’s much more than a chip, it’s a whole bag of Doritos!”

If the ghost-writer’s poetic licence can shine through so blatantly with the words – then what of the facts?

Which leads Saddles to the conclusion that perhaps we’re all being led on by TSP. Perhaps he’s not a pro at all – but merely a figment of one journo’s imagination. And what better way of getting people to listen than firing off some fabricated doping torpedoes safely behind a veil of anonymity (and reader, before you pull out hair in exasperation, I do realise the irony of that previous statement).

Now TSP is holding our attention, who’s to stop his ghost writer / creator coming out with some other brilliant nuggets next time round?

Maybe he can talk about a team-mate who shat his pants while riding the Stelvio.

Or he can tell us the story of the day he once walked in on Lance Armstrong picking up a pizza delivery with Johan – “with extra cheese.”

Or perhaps he can regale us of the one time at band camp when he and his team-mates attached a naked Simon Gerrans to a tree with cling film before combining the soigneurs’ massage oils and the mechanics’ spanners to devastating effect…

In fact, he can tell us anything – firstly, because he’s not accountable; and secondly, because he probably doesn’t exist.

As TSP said in the very same column: “Cycling has become a parody of itself.” It indeed has – and we’re all at it.

The Irish journalist David Walsh – former feller of Lance Armstrong and current guest press attaché at Team Sky – led the calls for his countryman’s head, claiming Dan Martin’s magnificent Liège-Bastogne-Liège victory was “encouraging for the sport” and that – should McQuaid resign – “you might start feeling optimistic again.”

Image of Dan Martin (left) by Sirotti, courtesy of Cyclingnews. Image of Pat McQuaid (right) Associated Press/Keystone, Salvatore Di Nolfi

“Now I’ve won the biggest classic of the year, clean, it’s an incredible feeling,” said an ecstatic Martin after ending Ireland’s 21-year wait for a victory in the Classics.

Liege-Bastogne-Liege is not only the biggest and oldest of the Spring Classics – it’s also, notoriously, the Monument which showcases more dirty laundry than the aftermath of the annual Welsh Bog Snorkelling World Championships.

Just look at the list of winners since 2003: Tyler Hamilton, Davide Rebellin, Alexandre Vinokourov (twice), Alejandro Valverde (twice), and Danilo Di Luca have all erred to the dark side. Of the previous eight winners, only Andy Schleck, Philippe Gilbert, and Maxim Iglinskiy have not sat out a large chunk of their career through a doping ban (although in the case of a magnanimous Schleck, he’s sat out the best part of two years since his big rival Alberto Contador got retrospectively snared back in 2011).

Flanked by the tanned, chiselled, and photogenic Spaniards Joaquim Rodriguez and Valverde on the Liège podium on Sunday, the endearingly goofy-looking Martin seemed to encapsulate a more honest and tangible side somewhat lacking in cycling in recent years. His victory was one for the everyday-man, one for the good guys, one for any professional rider who doesn’t seem both airbrushed and doped to perfection.

Martin’s victory was also entirely logical. The ungainly Irish climber has long been knocking on the door of cycling greatness, having picked up a mountain stage win on the 2011 Vuelta a España and finished fifth in last year’s Doyenne.

What’s more, his form this season has been slow-building to this moment. Martin’s overall victory in the Volta a Catalunya came after Garmin-Sharp team-mate Ryder Hesjedal buried himself for the cause in the decisive stage four – which Martin went on to win. Runner up to Martin at Catalunya was that man Rodriguez, while Stephen Roche’s nephew was unlucky to miss out on the podium at last week’s Fleche Wallonne.

Before the Doyenne, Jonthan Vaughters was predicting, on Twitter, a win for Martin on a day where “tactics and hesitation” would be key. Sean Kelly, the first and last Irishman to win Liège back in 1984 and 1989, told Saddleblaze in person before his commentary shift at Eurosport that Martin would be the one to cause an upset.

It initially looked like Hesjedal was Garmin’s Plan A, but once the Canadian was caught with 5km remaining he – in the words of Martin – laid “himself down for me, killed himself, the same as he did in Catalunya.”

When ‘Purito’ Rodriguez jumped on the final rise to the finish, Martin latched onto Michele Scarponi’s wheel before returning alongside J-Rod quicker than a performance-enhanced Lance Armstrong drumroll.

Sensing blood, Martin kicked before the final bend to ensure he could ride home solo and savour the win.

The whole of Ireland – not to mention Martin’s English birth town of Birmingham – were granted a first Irish win in a Monument since Kelly won Milan-San Remo back in 1992. Put differently: Martin delivered Ireland’s first major classics win in 107 races. That’s one hell of potato party.

Food for thought for the grumbling Belgians, whose failure to top the podium in any one Spring Classic this season translates as the host nation’s worst performance since 1918. Compare it to 2011’s near clean-sweep, where only Milan-San Remo (won by Matt Goss) evaded the greedy clutches of the voracious Belgians.

Belgium’s plight seems rather light when viewed through the prism of other faltering nations. Italy, for instance, have not picked up a Monument since Damiano Cunego won Lombardia back in 2008 – making it 24 races and counting for the Italians.

Worse still is the Dutch record – no wins in 61 Monuments since Servais Knaven rode to glory in the 2001 Paris-Roubaix.

Then there’s the French – the nation which hosts not only the world’s most famous stage race but also the legendary ‘Hell of the North’ – who are still waiting for someone to pick up where Laurent Jalabert left off in the 1997 Giro di Lombardia.

In the 79 Monuments since France last topped the podium, Kazakhstan and Australia have both taken three wins apiece, the Swiss have notched nine, while Great Britain, Sweden and Romania have all take wins. (That said, Raimondas Rumsas’s win has since been attributed to his mother-in-law).

And what of McQuaid? Well, the much-maligned UCI President did sent Vaughters a note of congratulation after his countryman’s victory. “Have to say chapeau for writing [to] me after all the nasty tussles we’ve been [through] in the last few years,” said Vaughters, with reference to his and McQuaid’s off-season penchant for Greco-Roman wrestling.

Reactions after Liege-Bastogne-Liege

“What we wanted to do today was actually be on the front foot rather than just wait and I think that’s what the guys tried to do but it didn’t come off. Fair play to Dan Martin. Rather than see what other people didn’t do I think it’s more important to see what he did do and I think he deserves all the credit for pretty much riding everybody off the wheel. The way they rode today with Hesjedal taking it on, that was textbook stuff and it was great to see Dan have such a fantastic result.” Team Sky manager David Brailsford

What he really meant: “Instead of talking about how much of a failure Tenerife has been let’s deflect things by focusing on the team who rode a better race than us.”

“I had done my attack, I had played my card.” Joaquim Rodriguez

What he really meant: “Normally when I attack on the final climb I ride away with the win. I’m not used to this situation at all. I blame it on the panda.”

The Panda Express (image courtesy Cyclingnews)

“I was feeling a lot better than I thought and I’m pleased I’ve finished the first part of the season with a good performance – although my teammates weren’t just working for me, it was to set things up for any of the riders in the squad who were feeling good.” Alberto Contador

What he really meant: “I never really wanted to be here but none of the other riders were feeling any good so I had a pop. I’ve never really liked this part of the season – what’s the point of one-day races anyway?”

“I was lacking a few percentage points in what was a really tough race. And it’s those few percentage points that always make the big difference.” Philippe Gilbert

What he really meant: “If I talk all mathematical like this about marginal gains and the like, perhaps Team Sky will rescue me from my BMC nightmare. Besides, their classics squad could do with a 90% improvement and I would make a big difference.”

“I was still able to stay with the peloton, even though I had to eat myself. All in all, the shape was there. The shape is there.” Jakob Fuglsang

What he really meant: “I’m really not sure about the standard of the Astana musettes – I think we need a better chef, to be honest. I’m still pretty fat after the off-season. I can seem to shed this extra weight.”

“Who needs pizzas when you win? We got winning pie.” Nathan Haas

What he really meant: “I’m looking forward to the Michelin star tasting menu with wine pairing that JV will treat us to tonight.”

“We’ve been riding our bikes for a while. We know. In that situation we had the numbers – it’s pretty straight forward.” Ryder Hesjedal (never one to stumble over his words)

What he really meant: “We have all been professional bike racers for a long time now and we understand how to ride. We had a numerical advantage in the finale – it’s not rocket science.”

Last seen on the silver screen dressed in a black PVC outfit while frolicking with a feline Anne Hathaway in The Dark Knight Rises, Bale inadvertently revealed to the world the nature of his current work project on Sunday when he let one of Hollywood’s biggest secrets out of the bag after being recognised in Saxo Bank-Tinkoff colours powering up the Cauberg.

Minutes later he was then spotted downing a pint of Amstel while standing next to an equally emaciated Spaniard and a grinning barrel-chested Australian.

In a worldwide exclusive, Cyclismas now can reveal that Bale has been working on a Terrence Malick-directed film entitled Roman Revolutions – a study of the class struggle of the Czech Republic told through the the prism of a local cycling club in the small town of Moravská Třebová and its star rider.

The young Kreuziger is indeed that star rider. Born with a silver spoon in his mouth to members of the Czech aristocracy, Kreuziger has access to so many top-of-the-range bikes at a young age that he is able to provide the equipment for his entire club team, whereby uniting a motley crew of riders from all walks of life.

When Kreuziger is spotted by an Italian scout at the annual Udánky Cyclo-Cross Championships, the young hero is prised away from his hometown and embedded with the Liquigas squad over the mountains in Italy. But his memory and example lingers, its harmonising effect bringing generations together and making Moravská Třebová one of the biggest success stories of the Schönhengstgau region.

During holidays, Kreuziger returns home to regale his old club friends with stories of communal saunas, trips to the local Ferrari factory, the ‘Oss’ body art movement, and a messiah known only as ‘Sagan’.

Roman Revolutions was due for limited release in France this July but is now expected not to be seen until a three-week run starting in late August over the border in Spain.

Although shooting has almost come to an end, Bale has become so engrossed in his role that he reportedly stays in character 24-7 and has even undergone a vigorous training programme to keep his weight down to borderline skeletal.

Bale initially underwent a phase of gruelling training in Kazakhstan before being offered an escape route by a Danish personal trainer on the Canary Islands.

The Welsh-born actor is no stranger to the kind of drastic weight less required to convincingly portray a professional cyclist of Kreuziger’s slight stature.

Back in 2000, Bale spent months tanning and exercising in order to achieve the Olympian physique of the crazed Patrick Bateman character in American Psycho – only to shed 27kg to play the role of an emaciated insomniac in The Machinist months later.

By the time Bale had finished shooting The Machinist, he weighed just 55kg – putting him in good stead for a future role as a pro bike racer.

Having signed on the dotted line to be the face (and biceps) of the rebooted Batman franchise, Bale then put back 45kg in six months – indirectly mimicking Jan Ullrich’s much-publicised off-season weight fluctuations. Bale’s role of Bruce Wayne in Christopher Nolan’s Batman Begins essentially saw the actor pick up where Patrick Bateman left off – just minus the axes and gold-rimmed business cards.

In between filming the second and third installment in the franchise, Bale entered the ring alongside “Marky” Mark Wahlberg in the award-winning boxing biopic The Fighter. His portrayal of Dicky Eklund – a doped-up former boxer – required his forearms and collarbones to look less like those belonging to a gothic Hulk Hogan and more to resemble an array of wooden coat hangers.

Bale’s ability to convey Eklund’s constant fight with drug addiction and chronic weight loss are said to have convinced the makers of Roman Revolutions that the 39-year-old was ideal candidate to portray a modern day professional cyclist.

In a bid to “get into the role” more, Bale is said to have joined Saxo Bank on their winter training camp on Gran Canaria, where he not only impressed manager Bjarne Riis with his cycling ability but also with his uncanny resemblance to the real Roman Kreuziger.

So impressed was Riis that he actually asked Bale to step in as Kreuziger during Sunday’s Amstel Gold Race, expected to be a two-way battle between world champion Philippe Gilbert and podium felon Peter Sagan.

But Bale – channelling his inner Kreuziger (or not, perhaps) – went on to win the race after an opportunistic solo attack on the penultimate ascent of the Bemelerberg 7km from the finish.

After the race, Bale/Kreuziger had a run in with a photographer who had veered into the picture while he was celebrating on the podium.

“Am I going to ride around and knock your f***ing camera down in the middle of a race? Then why the f*** are you walking right through? Ah-da-da-dah, like this in the background,” raged the Terminator Salvation actor. “What the f*** is it with you? What don’t you f***ing understand? Give me a f***ing answer!”

When the photographer – thought to be called Graham – told whom he thought was the stage 19 winner from last year’s Giro that he had managed to take a nice snap of his pint-downing prowess on the podium, Bale/Kreuziger replied: “Ohhhh, goooood for you. And how was it? I hope it was f***ing good, because it’s useless now, isn’t it?”.

It was one sour moment in an otherwise memorable day.

Bale’s portrayal of Kreuziger has got the movie world in raptures of delight, with rumour spreading like wildfire that Roman Revolutions will win a cluster of awards at the forthcoming Cannes Film Festival in May.

But Bale’s performance has left Riis in a bit of a quandary. It is thought that the big Dane would like to ask Bale to fill in once again as Kreuziger in the Giro d’Italia, which starts on 5th May. Such a tactic would mean the real Kreuziger would be required to moonlight as Bale at the swanky film festival on the French Riviera.

The Czech rider is thought to be considering the swap as long as he can ride an undetected Ferrari to and from the ceremony. He is also currently undergoing elocution lessons to sound more like a Englishman who has watched too many American sitcoms.

As we all know, Fabian Cancellara started the 111th edition of Paris-Roubaix as overwhelming favourite. That he won the race did not make it a predictable affair – for Spartacus had to do something he’d never done before in his career: win a sprint on the famous Roubaix velodrome.

Offredo follows the signs to the exit: FDJ’s main hope, Yoann Offredo’s race was over before the first five-star cobbled section when the Frenchman collided with a road sign on a traffic island. Riding at the back of the bunch which was just beginning to part, Offredo was looking behind him in a bid to locate his team car when, turning back around, he came face to face with the blue sign with next to no time to avoid a collision. He veered to the right, but clipped the offending object with his left knee before being sent hurtling over his handlebars to land chin-first on the tarmac. Game over for Off-road-o.

Moments later, a similar incident happened when Blanco’s Rick Flens mounted a pavement only to collide with a traffic cone. The cobbles may be the race’s weapon of choice but sometimes the damage is done elsewhere.

Size matters: Most of the guys who played an active role in proceedings out there were big units with a lot of staying power. So spare a thought for the pint-sized Clement Kortesky of Pro Conti outfit Bretagne Seche: not only does the guy not have a Wikipedia page, he also looked like one of the Paris-Roubaix Juniors who had started the wrong race.

Part of an initial break, Kortesky was well and truly dwarfed by fellow escapee Gert Steegmans who, rather ominously, was not even Omega Pharma’s largest rider. That accolade went to man mountain Stijn Vandenbergh, who looked like a complete monster until he was spread-eagled by a spectator on the Carrefour de l’Arbre (more on that later).

Flower bed becomes vegetable patch: Making teams like Euskaltel and Movistar ride Paris-Roubaix is a bit like asking Europcar to do a team time trial. You get the impression that their contractual obligations only require the riders to make it as far as, say, the Arenberg forest before allowing them to hobble off the cobbles and into the safety of the team car.

Spare a thought for one of the Basque boys in orange who was involved in a pile-up as the race passed through a town 60km from the finish. It looked like the Euskaltel rider landed heavily on the low stone wall of a flower bed beside the road – instantly making it a vegetable patch for discarded carrots.

Thomas going for a clean-sweep: You can safely bet that Team Sky won’t be returning to Tenerife for their classics preparations next year after their performance in Roubaix yet again underlined the importance of having a decent Internet connection ahead of key races.

After suffering falls on the Cipressa (Milan-San Remo) and the Kwaremont (Flanders), Geraint Thomas kept up his unfortunate knack of stacking at key moments in each monument this season by coming a-cropper on the Trouee d’Arenberg following a ditch tangle with Yauheni Hutarovich of Belarus. What odds of a Thomas spill on the Cauberg in next Sunday’s Amstel Gold?

Meanwhile, poor Edvald Boasson Hagen – the only marginal gains he’s experienced this season seem to be around his waistline.

(Image by Steephill.tv courtesy Reuters)

Keep your eye’s peeled for Stybar on YouTube: As long as the incriminating iPhone wasn’t run over by a race motorbike then someone has a great close-up video of Zdenek Stybar’s crash in the Carrefour de l’Arbre. More precisely, the plonker who leant out and knocked the Czech cyclo-cross star in the face with his phone, forcing him to veer across the road and take drastic evasive action.

Talk about gutter journalism – especially given what happened just seconds earlier to Stybar’s towering team-mate Vandenbergh. In fact, you’d think someone has a great snap of Vandenbergh grimacing as his rump hits the cobbles while his arms and legs are splayed like the world’s biggest spider. If you watch the Carrefour cobbled section again you’ll see Sep Vanmarcke also coming close to being floored by a lady spectator. You have to remember that the riders chose the gutter line in the first place. If you sleep close to a fire, you’ll probably get singed.

Bernaudeau’s a manager not a mechanic: It was an agonising sight watching last year’s runner-up Sebastien Turgot wait for an eternity while first his own team manager, Jean-Rene Bernaudeau, grappled unsuccessfully with his back wheel and then the rider himself was forced to take over after the Frenchman punctured 41km from the finish. The hold-up meant the alluringly ungainly Damien Gaudin became Europcar’s principal hope – and the young Frenchman didn’t disappoint.

Built with swimmers’ shoulders, Gaudin is a complete oddity on wheels. Hunched over his cyclo-cross handlebars and with a head swaying like a metronome, Gaudin was “pedalling like a bag of spanners” according to Eurosport’s David Harmon. Compare his jagged style to another big guy like Vandenbergh and it defies everything you read in the training manuals. You could balance a glass of water on Vandenbergh’s flat back even over the most treacherous of cobbled sections – with Gaudin, you wouldn’t have enough glasses even if you were hosting the UCI’s annual Christmas party. Gaudin is a cycling monstrosity – but a curiously captivating one.

Omega Pharma deserve a pat on the back – just not by fans during crucial moments during the race: With Tom Boonen KO’ed by his Ronde crash, the Belgian team had to change their tactics. Steegmans rode excellently in two leading groups before handing the reins over to Vandenbergh, Stybar, Nicki Terpstra, and Sylvain Chavanel.

While Cancellara was completely devoid of RadioShack team-mates as the race entered the business end, Omega still had an abundance of talent – and Stybar, riding his first ever Roubaix, would have been a shoo-in had he not lapsed on the Carrefour and rode too close to the fans. It was scant consolation that Terpstra took third place to secure Omega’s first podium place in a monument this season.

Fabs talket to team car (image courtesy Cosmo Catalano’s HTRWW)

Cancellara’s poker skills are exemplary: Before the race, Taylor Phinney said, “Cycling is a very unpredictable sport although Fabian tries to make it relatively predictable by riding off the front.” But on Sunday Spartacus proved he was no one-trick pony by winning a very different way – and doing so after many had written him off.

Having been left isolated and seemingly on the ropes, Spartacus dropped back to his team car with 35km remaining, prompting Eurosport’s Harmon to say his race was over. And yet he fought back, using all his experience, strength, and determination to do so. When alone with Vanmarcke he did try to ride off with 4km remaining, but was reeled in. So he had to do it the hard way and beat the Belgian in a track-style sprint.

The stats don’t lie, and Spartacus’ last nine finishes in San Remo/Flanders/Roubaix are as follows: 1st, 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 2nd, 2nd, 3rd, 1st, 1st.

Sep Vanmarcke sheds a muddy tear after finishing second behind Fabian Cancellara. (Cor Vos image courtesy CyclingTips)

Van marked by the occasion: A great picture shows the 24-year-old Belgian with his head in his hands and a dusty tear rolling down one cheek. He may never get such an occasion to win Roubaix – and had anyone told him before the race he’d finish second to Cancellara he’d probably have accepted that. But he admitted that he would lose sleep for many nights replaying over in his head that final sprint.

Even before the race reached the velodrome, Cancellara’s experience was coming into play. On numerous occasions the Swiss flicked his elbow. Vanmarcke resisted but then eventually came through to take the pace-setting at a time when there was no chance they would be caught by the pursuers. It’s almost like watching a scene in James Bond where the baddies insist on giving Bond a lifeline by taking the time to explain their devilish deeds before pulling the trigger.

It takes a rider of Simon Gerrans-style canniness to resist Cancellara’s clout and race dirty. In the sprint, Vanmarcke showed one moment of indecision and suddenly conceded his stronger place high up on the banking and in the wheels of his rival, who admitted after the race that he “went over my limits like never before to cross the line first today.”

Pinch yourself as decency returns to the podium: There was little chance that this monument’s runner-up would have followed in the footsteps of Peter Sagan and tried to steal the limelight from Cancellara by harassing a podium girl. After riding over so many cobbles, the physical act of pinching even the most pert of bottoms would probably be nigh-on impossible.

Still, the Roubaix officials made sure by having their ceremonial hostess clad in jeans and a jacket – although they couldn’t resist in giving her a Barbie-style tiara. As Cancellara gingerly raised the heavy-looking cobbled trophy aloft on the podium, it looked as if the podium girl didn’t have to worry so much about having her derriere pinched as having her skull crushed by a falling stone.

Renowned for his wacky victory celebrations, Sagan is discovering just how hard it is to do something quite as memorable when crossing the line as runner-up. And on Sunday he went into a bit of a meltdown on the Ronde van Vlaanderen podium in Oudenaarde with his now infamous pinch of podium girl Maja Leye.

Sagan going for it. (Getty Images)

Just as the tall, blonde, statuesque, tanned and scantily clad Belgian model in her early 20s – whose LinkedIn profile describes her role, perhaps somewhat liberally, as an ‘Administration Production Assistant at Flanders Classics’ – was assisting two-time Ronde victor Fabian Cancellara with an administrative and productive kiss on his chiselled cheeks, Sagan took it upon himself to give her hind quarters a quick pinch (or, as Emma Bamford of The Independent newspaper so graciously put it, “goosed the blonde”).

The shot seen round the world (Getty Images)

Initial reaction saw Sagan’s actions as more playful than lamentable. The person behind the official Twitter feed of the race (clearly a man or perhaps a women with a sense of perspective) tweeted a link to the incriminating photo catching the 23-year-old flagrante delecto with the caption “Naughty Sagan” while @TourdeJose simply offered a “CHEEKY” comment alongside the picture.

But many did not see the funny side. Sagan’s actions were nothing short of sexual harassment and symptomatic of cycling’s overall misogynistic attitude towards women and its lamentable development of the women’s sport, they said.

Instead of broadcasting images of Marianne Vos – arguably the sport’s most complete talent – winning her first ever Flanders crown earlier in the day, here we were concentrating on the childish, yet fiendish, action of one cocksure tyro eager to steal the limelight from the classy veteran rider who put him in his place with a blistering attack on the Paterberg.

I have to admit, my initial reaction to the picture of a smiling Sagan pinching the podium girl’s bottom was one of mild amusement. Unknowing of the outrage it would cause, I posted – as my alter ego Blazin’ Saddles (@Saddleblaze) – a tweet that was perhaps almost as crass as Sagan’s actions in the first place.

Come on, chill out about the podium girl. It’s just foreplay for Sagan. He’ll do much more than pinching a bottom later…

— Blazin’ Saddles (@saddleblaze) March 31, 2013

I’ll put my hands up and say I was out of line – but the idea that Saddleblaze was actively encouraging (as one of his followers suggested) the “all out rape” of the girl in question was astoundingly stupid.

The throwaway comment about Sagan and foreplay was made very much in jest and in the light of the fabricated persona of Peter Sagan that we have all contributed to in some way of other on Twitter.

Last summer after Sagan’s total domination in sprints at the Tours of Oman and Switzerland, a spoof Sagan account was made on Twitter – thought to be by a group of established cycling journos keen to have a bit of fun in the lead-up to and during the Tour de France.

The Sagan parody account joked about the Slovakian’s supreme strength and made light of his virility and voracious appetite for bedding podium girls. It became a mini phenomenon with tens of thousands of followers until most of us realised that it was getting a bit tired and the whole thing petered out.

Some bored souls on Twitter missed these imaginary 140-character insights to one of the peloton’s hottest new stars and another parody account was set up – but to significantly less fanfare. (It really wasn’t funny in the slightest.)

But by now, the damage had been done. Sagan had a reputation for being a huge ladies man – something he actively encouraged in that bizarre scene in which he signed a woman’s breasts before a stage of the Tour (apparently she never asked for him to do it – but didn’t exactly complain either).

My point in bringing this all up is that pinching a podium girl’s bottom is exactly what we would expect from someone like Sagan, in that it’s entirely in sync with the manufactured persona behind a rider whose attacking style is winning over a whole new generation of cycling fans and whose oddball victory celebrations have brought both him – and the sport – hordes of new fans.

In short: Saddleblaze (and so many others) had anticipated this kind of behaviour from Sagan so much that it did not come as a surprise. But that doesn’t in any way make what he did right.

Yes, the boundaries of fiction and reality had blurred so much that a bum pinch was seen by many as par for the course for Sagan – especially after missing out once again on a victory in one of cycling’s monuments. But the whole thing takes on fresh layers of complexity when taking into account the motives behind the pinch and the real Sagan’s track record.

Indeed, it has emerged that Sagan – very much like his Twitter parody persona – has form in such casual displays of sexism.

If you look back at the pictures from the podium of E3 Harelbeke (where Sagan again finished behind Cancellara) and you’ll see the Slovakian making a ‘bum patting’ gesture towards one of the podium girls giving Spartacus a hug on the top rung of the podium. Rumour has it he tried something similar at Milan-San Remo when finishing second to Gerald Ciolek.

Sagan getting cheeky at E3 Harelbeke (image by Annick Vanderschelden)

Then there’s the old photo of Sagan, probably just 18, filling up his car at a petrol station while wearing a blue t-shirt emblazoned with the (vulgar and highly presumptuous) words: “My c*** + your p**** = good times”.

Sagan’s “blue” tee shirt

It’s worth being fair at this point – for this is not a Sagan witch hunt: Tom Boonen, who, behind the unfortunate Maja Leye, was seen as the big victim on Sunday after crashing out of the race, was once pictured with a big grin on his face while sporting a black t-shirt with the words: “Will f*** on first date”.

So, yes, boys will be boys, even – Shock! Horror! – in the world of cycling.

In a sport where his contemporaries are being busted for blood transfusions, performance-enhancing drugs, and race fixing, it seems a bit rich to crucify Sagan on Easter Sunday for a bit of cheek that he will no doubt regret even more than missing out on yet another classics victory.

After all, cycling does seem to condone the casual objectification of women by having podium girls in the first place – an antiquated tradition which arguably encourages the kind of lechery seen in Sagan’s (clearly un-isolated) moment of madness.

Can you blame Sagan? He’s pretty much spent most working days of his life since the age of 18 on podiums surrounded by dolled-up girls handing out kisses and bunches of flowers while offering their faces as a alternative receptacle for sparkling wine. On top of that, he has people on Twitter making him out to be the biggest Casanova since that chap with the equally big eyebrows signed on the dotted line to appear in the Twilight franchise.

As the ever-erudite Matt Rendell tweeted:

Sagan’s carefully thought-out piece of theatrical satire brilliantly focused attention on the absurdity of stlll having podium girls in 2013

— Matt Rendell (@mrendell) March 31, 2013

This is precisely why, when Cyclingnews reporter Jane Aubrey can rightfully flag up Sagan for harassment in the workplace, the highly-regarded Inner Ring is also correct in stressing that this is “a workplace where women are hired to wear short skirts whilst men spray champagne with obvious symbolism.”

Sagan himself took to Twitter to apologies for his actions, claiming it was not “my intention to disrespect women today on the podium” – carefully forgetting all the other moments he had pushed the limits of decency a bit too far. “Just a joke, sorry if someone was disturbed about it,” he added, underestimating the amount of people offended by his actions (it wasn’t just Jane Aubrey).

The upshot of the whole thing is that Sagan will no doubt learn from his colossal faux pas – just like he’ll learn that it’s not exactly wise to drag someone like Fabian Cancellara up the Oude Kwaremont in the business end of a race. As for the role of podium girls in cycling – the Sagan storm will definitely put it back on the agenda and encourage healthy debate.

Interestingly, in last year’s E3 Harelbeke, the organisers replaced the usual pretty podium girls with a 66-year-old granny after being criticized for using a naked girl on the front of their race promo poster the year before.

66-year old Paulette Van Neste (photo by Tim De Waele/TDWSport.com courtesy of procycling.no)

You’d think if Sagan had pinched the generous posterior of Paulette Van Neste instead of that of Maja Leye then he would have got more than an awkward brushing off on the Flanders podium.

Of course, there’s always the cases of George Hincapie and Gert Steegmans – both of whom met their future wives while celebrating wins on the podium. We should perhaps withhold our judgement until we hear the reaction of the podium girl herself – for it’s not up to us to decide is she felt violated, outraged, humiliated, and harassed.

“We would have wanted to invite Tyler Hamilton for other reasons. But he has done a lot of wonderful things for a very wonderful sport and he has to be applauded for his courage to act.”

It wasn’t perhaps the most unanimously positive endorsement of his career but Tyler Hamilton could hardly have born any ill will towards the lady wwaho introduced the shamed former cyclist to the stage at the American School in London last week.

After all, this was a prestigious school whose mission is to encourage “students [to] develop integrity and strength of character by learning to make good choices and by taking responsibility for their actions”.

The teacher controlling the Q&A session alongside the school’s head boy was also wary of slipping on any potential banana skins. “It is controversial for us to have you up on this stage and we’re putting ourselves on the line,” he said. “Can you see how your cheating invalidates the message of our school and what we stand for?”

Hamilton – looking tanned and rather boyish with his ragged boscage of wavy hair in stark contrast to the slick, almost shiny, grey suit and smart blue shirt covering his still slender frame – was entirely understanding of the concerns outlined.

“I respect people who can’t forgive me and won’t listen to what I have to say. You guys can ask any tough questions you like and I deserve them,” he said in front of an auditorium of roughly 200 high school pupils, parents, teachers, members of the public and one cycling reporter.

“I feel like it was just yesterday that I was in high school. These kids can learn from me. If I can change one kid’s life then I’m pleased I came.”

Well, he certainly did change one grown kid’s life when approaching Saddles in the foyer ahead of the talk and complimenting him on his Ragpicker vintage cycling cap.

“Nice hat. How you doing? You coming to the talk?” he asked before hands were shaken and names exchanged. It broke the ice nicely – and meant Saddles had a way in after the session to pose a question or two of his own.

To be honest, most of the questioning was rather soft and made Oprah Winfrey look like the Spanish Inquisition – but this wasn’t exactly an audience of specialists and only some of them had read Hamilton’s book, The Secret Race, co-edited with Daniel Coyle.

Early on during the Q&A the school’s head boy asked Hamilton what had been the most difficult aspect about coming out with the truth surrounding what he described as the “dark days”.

“The hardest part was telling my parents the truth in 2010 having lied to them ever since 1997.”

It was a poignant answer, but one which made this blogger think of something doing the viral rounds at the time: a note left from a father for his son on the fridge door.

“Nate,” the note-cum-internet-hit said, “I overheard your phone conversation with Mike last night about your plans to come out to me. The only thing I need you to plan is to bring home OJ and bread after class. We are out, like you now. I’ve known you were gay since you were six, I’ve loved you since you were born. Dad. p.s. your mom and I think you and Mike make a cute couple.”

Something tells Saddles that Hamilton’s parents knew a long time before 2010 about his training methods. If the syringes, fridges full of blood and shirts stained red weren’t enough, then they may have had a hunch around about the time the whole ‘false twin’ theory came into play.

(Although had they left him a note on the fridge it probably wouldn’t have requested extra OJ – for obvious reasons.)

“I wish I’d stood up in ’97 and said no when the first red testosterone pill was held out to me by a doctor wearing a fly fishing jacket filled with pharmaceuticals,” said Hamilton, like an LA screen-writer effortlessly seaming the plot of The Matrix to an episode of Deadliest Catch.

“If I had known what would have happened I would have been on the first plane back to Boston,” he added.

Although blessed (or perhaps hindered?) with a constant grin bordering on a childish smirk, Hamilton came across as genuinely contrite. The critics will say that he’s had enough practice – after all, he’s rivalling Tony Blair on the lecture circuit right now in the wake of his no-holds-barred confessional – but Hamilton nevertheless came over as an honest, humble and decent guy keen to put things right.

“I have two bits of advice for the young people in the crowd,” he said. “First: take time with the decisions you make. Second: If you make the wrong choice then right it as quickly as possible.”

When pressed on whether or not he would have come clean had he not been forced, Hamilton, to his credit, did not reply wholly in the affirmative.

“I hope so. I would like to think that as I got older and more mature I would have,” he said before adding: “But I couldn’t say for sure. I had many opportunities to tell the truth. I waited until the last minute when I was fully backed up in the corner.”

Now 42 and working as a private cycling trainer back home in Colorado, Hamilton said he was happy to be away from the pressures of the professional peloton and the general rat race that can affect students as much as Wall Street execs.

“I’m kind of enjoying just being mediocre,” he said, prompting laughs from the crowd. “I’m 30 pounds heavier now than when I was a cyclist,” he added, prompting gasps (he is still a slight guy). “I’m a jogger, not a runner. I’m enjoying being average.”

Being average is certainly something you wouldn’t hear his former boss Lance Armstrong boasting about – and certainly something Hamilton in his capo days wouldn’t have admitted to. Back then, he was all about pushing things further and never being content with the status quo.

“At CSC one of Danish guys coined the term ‘positive dissatisfaction’. I used that term so many times but it was the root of all the problems.”

Hamilton said it had been painful to go over all his mistakes while writing his book and admitted that the fallout from The Secret Race had been rather testing.

“The president of cycling’s world body called me a scumbag. His name is Pat McQuaid,” Tyler told the audience (many of whom were non-cycling types who couldn’t tell their UCIs from their IOUs (answer: they’re often the same thing). “I understand his frustrations. I know why he would do that. But there are many who continue to deny that they had any knowledge that bad things were happening in the sport.”

Hamilton stressed that there were “still bad apples” in cycling and that “there’s still dome digging to be done.”

Sounding more and more like a character from Goodfellas, he added ominously: “It’s definitely a lot better than back in the dark days but there are many buried bodies and many of us know where those bodies are. We must do some digging or there will be another big situation in the future [like the US Postal scandal].”

With the hour almost up, Hamilton just had enough time to praise former US Postal team-mate Floyd Landis for “getting the ball rolling,” admitting that “we wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for him. He’s suffering a lot still.”

Hamilton confirmed that he didn’t have much to do with any of the other Posties now give or take a few texts. “It’s sad because we were a really cohesive group. Things have changed. It’s sad that doping ripped us apart.”

Of course, the Devil’s advocate would say it was sad doping threw them together in the first place.

As the star of the night signed books on the stage at the end, your faithful blogger went up to the former 1994 Olympic time trial gold medallist and asked him if he thought it was fair that there was so much scrutiny surrounding the highest performing team of the current era, Sky, who had seemingly been tainted by the same brush as US Postal.

“It’s not fair, no,” he said, fixing Saddles with his piercing blue eyes. “It’s unfortunate that’s happening but due to the past it’s the way it is because of what we did and because of the culture that we went through.

“I feel bad because of it. I feel bad that Bradley Wiggins cannot enjoy winning the Tour like he should enjoy it, that he has had to endure all this skepticism.”

At this point, the master of ceremonies tugged Tyler on the sleeve and urged him to return to his signings – but Hamilton was in no rush and was eager to finishing giving his answer.

“The problem is not necessarily Wiggins but the people around the sport. We still have some bad apples in the sport including some – but not all – of the individuals in the UCI.

“I’m sure Bradley Wiggins is not happy with me and I understand that. But if he’s going to be really angry with somebody then it’s still those bad apples that are continuing to rot the sport. He should be pushing those people to be telling the truth.

“Zero tolerance? I don’t believe in that. I’ve got to commend Sky for trying and being proactive – some teams are not even being proactive – but I don’t necessarily agree with that philosophy.

“To clean up the sport truth and reconciliation is the only answer. I’d love to see them maybe invite back some of the guys they forced out like Bobby Julich. And I’m not the biggest fan of Bobby Julich – trust me – but if people are telling the truth they shouldn’t be penalised for it.”

On that note, Saddles and Tyler parted. There hadn’t been a chance to ask him who the most promising crop of apples in the orchard were; or if he sincerely would have indeed traded in the glory years at US Postal and beyond, and the smart grey suit and blue shirt on the lecture circuit, for years of what he described as “hanging on for dear life and surviving at the back” that would have been synonymous with not doping at a time when “ninety to ninety-five percent were on drugs during the Tour”.

Neither had there been a time to ask him who he thought should play him alongside Bradley Cooper’s Lance in a movie version of the “dark days”; whether he preferred the film Twins to Marley & Me; whether, given his background in downhill skiing, he would have insisted on La Manie being kept in the previous weekend’s Milan-San Remo; or if he could give Saddles a tailored Tyler Hamilton Training plan ahead of this reporter’s own big ride in September (2,300 kilometres in the footsteps of Hannibal from Barcelona to Rome).

Perhaps for another time. Tyler, over to you…

That was how many of us reacted when watching Sebastian Vettel’s shifty overtaking manoeuvre on Red Bull team-mate Mark Webber to defy team orders coming over race radio and take a controversial win in Formula One’s Malaysian GP on Sunday.

“Multi 21, Seb. Multi 21.” These were the only words Webber – incandescent with rage – said to Vettel in the drivers’ room after the bad-tempered race, thought to be a reference to the Red Bull team code for holding station (a technical motorsporting term for ‘not racing’).

“What part of Multi 21, Seb, Multi 21 didn’t you get? ” (Photograph: Hoch Zwei/Corbis)

Perhaps, back in July last year when Chris Froome was riding hard on the final climb to Peyragudes in stage 17, it was a similar radio order that saw the Sky super-domestique check his speed and slow for team leader Bradley Wiggins.

“Multi 21, Chris. Multi 21. Chris, Multi 21!” the order would have come through the earpiece on the three occasions young buck Froome opened up a tantalising gap over the yellow jersey of the veteran trying to hold his wheel.

Hours after Vettel put points before friends and team morale, Sky were going about their usual business of pretty much bleeding everyone else dry on the final two climbs of the day on the deciding stage of the Criterium International.

“People get carried away with the whole machine/robot kind of thing but at the end of the day, they are human beings,” said Sky manager Dave Brailsford a fortnight ago after Tirreno-Adriatico.

And yet, there were Sky doing their best not to de-humanise the race by setting what most French-language websites describe as an “infernal” pace. Joe Dombrowski, Jon Tiernan-Locke, Xabi Zandio and Kostanstin Siutsou all pulled hard on the front to chase down a break that included – rarity of rarities – Andy Schleck.

Then, Vasil Kiryienka – a new recruit from Movistar over the off-season – was in no way machine-like or robotic in decimating the field “to get us to that point where Froomey and I can attack at the end,” as described by Richie Porte, who had taken the race lead on Saturday after a second time trial victory in as many weeks.

Best buddies Porte and Froome rode hard together before there was a potential Vettel-Webber moment when last year’s Tour de France runner-up put in a huge dig and dropped the yellow jersey – before riding off into the sunset up the Col de l’Ospedale to take the stage and overall victory.

New BFFs Chris Froome and Richie Porte (Image: skysports.com)

Tasmanian Porte finished with a flourish to secure a double one-two for Sky – in both the stage and on GC. It was a job well done which “panned out more or less how we expected,” according to Froome. Porte agreed. “Tactically we were spot on today,” he said without any rancour at having lost the maillot jaune to his team-mate.

“The only important thing was that Team Sky won today. It’s always special to get a one-two on the podium, especially given the strength of the field we had here, and we’re super happy.”

One-twos are becoming something of a habit for Sky following their performance in the 2012 Tour and now here in Corsica. In fact, one-twos are becoming so old hat that expectations have grown.

According to a top secret source – a former adjoint sous chef currently on an 80-day rolling contract to source the best pasta and rice grains ahead of the Giro next month – Sky have visions of turning entire podiums black and blue and Rapha-hued.

“We all know that the original plan at Sky was ‘to create the first British winner of the Tour de France within five years’,” said the deputy chef’s assistant.

“Now, the use of the verb ‘create’ is a bit unfortunate there – especially for a team management bent on discrediting the notion that its riders can be built and programmed like robots – or, if you will, created like some kind of gastronomic dish.

“Anyway, I digress. They downgraded that aim to simply winning the Tour within five years – wholly needlessly, it turned out, because a British rider (albeit one created in Belgium) did manage to do that within a couple of years.”

Seeing two riders on the top rungs of the podium in Paris gave the ambitious Brailsford new ideas.

“They all went off and did the Olympics, tra la la, but it was clear that Dave was planning his next move. Which is quite simple: to have three – and not two – Sky riders on the podium in the Tour.”

The plan for July is for friends Froome and Porte to top the podium and Wiggins to take the third rung after himself winning the Giro (ideally ahead of Colombians Rigoberto Uran and Sergio Henao).

“It may sound crazy,” said the culinary source, “but actually that’s just the start of it. The ultimate aim is to send an entire nine-man team to the Tour and to place them in the top ten. That’s why Cavendish was flogged – they tried to test out his climbing ability last year, but Tim Kerrison decided that Cav couldn’t swim very well and was definitely never top-ten material and so wholly surplus to requirements.”

Is a Sky top ten in the future? (Image: skysports.com)

As such, the likes of Dario Cataldo, Uran and Henao are being conditioned to ride so ably as super-domestiques that they place themselves in the top ten by dint of everyone else in the peloton being completely shanked after three weeks of hell.

“You could say the Colombians and Darius – as we call him in the kitchen – are being groomed for their roles. In fact, chez Sky we actually call it being ‘froomed’ now.”

Such lofty ambitions bordering on the dictatorial have not made Brailsford lose his sense of humour, however.

“Dave had a bet with Sean Yates that, whoever the other rider is who finishes in the top ten alongside our nine boys, Sky will sign – regardless of his team or cost, provided his provenance checks out okay and he’s not mates with Bobby Julich.

“But you see, that’s what will make the whole thing exciting and keep the suspense going right to the end.”

The Hell of the (Italian) North came a few weeks early in Sunday’s snow-spattered Milan-San Remo, which reduced a peloton of grown men to frozen tears and congealed grimaces of the kind even Michele Acquarone could never elicit.

“It’s snowing so much this could be biathlon,” tweeted Argos-Shimano’s Koen de Kort during the enforced 50km bus transfer time-out. “If so, can I be shot first?” he added, deploringly.

Funny Koen should mention biathlon – for it was the ski-and-shoot winter sport that was running on Eurosport before the Milan-San Remo feed was fired up. When the coverage did start, confused spectators would have been forgiven in thinking Eurosport had picked up the rights for a new type of cross-genre sport: snow cycling with pensioners.

Hell of the Liguria (photo from RCS Sport)

For the riders rolling into a blizzard-consumed Ovada (117km from the start of “La Classicissima”) it looked as if they were knocking on heaven’s door.

Robbie “Jowls” Hunter (from David Millar’s Twitter stream)

David Millar posted a string of images from the Garmin-Sharp team bus showing his team-mates sporting white snow beards on their puffy faces; Robbie Hunter had about four chins and looked as if he were old enough to be Chris Horner’s son; Millar’s sun-glasses (ski goggles?) were covered in a layer of frosty slush, while everyone’s helmets were encrusted with a thick layer of ice.

There were reports of many riders breaking down in tears while at least two riders reportedly had icicles hanging off their earlobes.

“Riders were shaking so badly they had fallen off their bikes,” said GreenEDGE DS Neil Stephens. Indeed, the very same thing happened to the Australian team’s 2011 champion, Matt Goss, who took a tumble with a cluster of other riders ten minutes before the break. Viewers on Eurosport probably thought they were watching the ski jumping.

For Tom Boonen, it was all simply too much. Having last year fine-tuned a propensity for falling off his bike into a masterclass of one-day domination, Boonen was understandably adverse to jeopardising his forthcoming Belgian Classics campaign by persisting in trying to break his duck in a race that was fast becoming a chilling circus of intolerably brutality.

Boonen opted for this ride to finish his MSR (Bettini image courtesy Cyclingnews)

“I think my decision says enough,” an irate Boonen told Sporza in a case of towel-in and toys-out. Although clearly Tommeke didn’t think his decision had said quite enough, for the donkey-owning ace went on to explain: “This is partly a precaution but also a statement to the organisation. They knew long enough that there was so much snow on the road. What happens now is the fault of the organisation. Have you ever wanted to bicycle through the snow? There are nicer things than this. I’m completely frozen.”

There are indeed nicer things than a freezing ride through the snow. A warm bus transfer, hot shower, change of clothes, bowl of pasta, cup of tea, and free WiFi, for starters.

But imagine getting all those things – and then having to go out and brave the elements yet again. For another undulating 125 kilometres. Along the coast as waves are crashing against the shore. In temperatures close to zero. And while it’s raining more than your average day in London.

“I don’t know whether the first or the second part was the worst,” said Edvald Boasson Hagen. “Both were very cold. The first part was more comical, the second part was only hell.”

Clearly accustomed to the volcanic heat of Mount Teide, Boasson Hagen was one of 67 riders who could not complete the race. The list included three of the initial six-man breakaway whose 7’10” advantage from the opening alpine segment of the race was carried over after the restart.

Lars Bak and his inflatable goves

One of the riders from the break who did stick it out was Lars Bak. Of all the escapees, the big Dane looked in the most discomfort – in particular with his hands. On numerous occasions, the Lotto Belisol giant was seen blowing into his gloves as well as squeezing out the water.

Matteo Montaguti, one of the fugitives who called it a day once caught 30km from the finish, looked utterly miserable throughout the whole afternoon – as if he were merely riding as some kind of Homeland-style interrogational punishment. (Perhaps Abu Nazzir and Agent Brody had commandeered the Ag2R-La Mondiale team car – giving all their riders good reason for wearing brown shorts.)

Vincenzo Nibali, who in better conditions would have targeted making some headway on La Manie, if not the opening Passo del Turchino, suffered all day with the cold. Over each of the ‘tre capi’ climbs Nibali was barely hanging onto the back of the peloton. He changed his gloves numerous times and once – on the Capo Soprano – even appeared to stop beside the road for a total clothes change.

Poor Nibali. The Shark is used to a warm jet-stream. Nothing had prepared him for this. It was as if he’d been swimming around the Mediterranean in the hight of summer, fallen asleep, got caught in a current, and awoken in the Arctic Ocean surrounded by penguins in black and white capes. With the outcome looking more and more like it would be decided by a sprint, and the Sicilian’s hands getting colder and colder by the pedal stroke, Nibali jumped into the team car on the backside of the Cipressa.

“This was just a black day in every sense of the word,” the Astana star said. “There was a moment when I thought maybe I had chosen the wrong sport,” he added, perhaps thinking about biathlon.

The irony of the whole disjointed day was that – despite the snow, the tears, the enforced break and shortened parcours – it was still shaping up to be a two-way battle between the two pre-race favourites of Peter Sagan and Fabian Cancellara.

Sure, Sylvain Chavanel (who we all thought had withdrawn) and Ian Stannard provided some much-needed sparks of uncertainty, while a late surge from Taylor Phinney (who we all thought had withdrawn) was the requisite stimulus for one final curveball.

But in the end, Sagan had the simple task of winning a six-way sprint and he did so with consummate ease. Except he would have done had he not ballsed it up.

The Slovak sensation was paying too much attention to Cancellara and having led out the final sprint early, he seemed to take his foot off the accelerator inside the closing metres to allow Gerald Ciolek to nip through for an unexpected win.

The “under-evaluated” Ciolek spoils Sagan’s sprint success (image courtesy Team MTN-Qhubeka)

Sagan, who hasn’t had much of an opportunity to brush up his celebrations for second place in recent months, was left flummoxed by the result. He actually looked across at Ciolek with a mixture of disbelief and disgust. Later, he told reporters that he had “thrown away Milan-San Remo”, that he had “under-evaluated” his opponent and had “left it on a plate for Ciolek.”

As for Ciolek, this win could signal a turning point for a rider whose career has somewhat stalled, despite once being rated higher than Mark Cavendish and Andre Greipel at T-Mobile.

Ciolek rides for new outfit MTN-Qhubeka, Africa’s first Pro Continental cycling team, which made the former Milram and Quick Step speedster as their marquee signing in the summer. The wildcard South African team (whose wondrously named press officer Xylon van Eyck) has a knack of sending out unfathomably upbeat daily press releases, now have their big break in the most dramatic of circumstances.

As Qhubeka team director Douglas Ryder says, it doesn’t get much bigger than beating Sagan and Cancellara in the first of cycling’s five monumental one-day races. That the peloton’s only African team should prevail in the snow is rather poetic, too. Heck, one would imagine that the victory will push Oscar Pistorius off the front page of the South African papers for a day or two as well.

In his latest column for Cyclismas, Blazin’ Saddles drops the wise-cracking facade and has a go at actually writing something vaguely serious…

Saddleblaze has a confession to make: he didn’t actually watch the 9.6km deciding time trial up the Col d’Eze in Paris-Nice. He was busy moving house and doing chores – but it came as no surprise when he saw that the rubber-faced Tasmanian Richie Porte had picked up both the stage win and the overall victory.

Later, once the dust had settled – or snow, if you’re a UK resident – Saddles had a trawl through his feed on Twitter to gauge the public reaction following Team Sky’s latest stage race victory. One tweet in particular stood out, and sparked a huge ding-dong debate.

With reference to Porte’s victorious ride over Andrew Talansky in the ITT, SuzeCY aka @festinagirl wrote:

23″ that’s a HUGE winning margin

— SuzeCY (@festinagirl) March 10, 2013

Respected cycling scribe and bouffant extraordinaire Daniel Friebe (@friebos) replied with a typically measured and insightful tweet:

@festinagirl Huge? Fairly standard. Poulidor beats Merckx by ’22 in 69, Michel Laurent by ’30 in 76, Roche by ’32 (from Indurain) in 89 etc

— Daniel Friebe (@friebos) March 10, 2013

And so sparked a war of words and opinions that rose up and down more ferociously than the raging seas in the terrible George Clooney film, The Perfect Storm (spoiler: they all die).

“Imagine what he’ll be like when he loses some weight,” quipped @festinagirl with reference to the portly Australian’s slightly tubby build.

@daveno7 wow, how fast will he go when he’s dropped a few pounds?

— SuzeCY (@festinagirl) March 10, 2013

She then dug up some stats from last year’s identical time trial up the Col d’Eze:

@friebos Wiggins, an acknowledged TTer, could only beat Westra by 2″ – Porte smashed the rest of the field without trying

— SuzeCY (@festinagirl) March 10, 2013

Having since watched the highlights of the final stage, Saddles can pretty much vouch that Porte’s efforts were not exactly in line with someone “not trying.” But for the sake of being an omniscient narrator here, Saddles will keep out of the argument. Besides, as @paddyjim threw into the ring, Wiggins did pick up a puncture during his winning ride last year, so those two seconds are kind of misleading.

“True but winning margin to 10th last year was just over 1min, winning margin to 3rd today was 1min 20+ secs – huge gaps,” returned @festinagirl, perhaps confusing the overall GC time gaps with those on the day (third place Nairo Quintana was 23 seconds down and the 10th place rider was 1:06 in arrears – that’s to say, “just over 1min”).

“You really think 23′ in a 20 minute race is a huge margin? In that case 1min is necessarily suspicious in a 55km TT. Come on,” replied an exasperated @friebos.

At this stage, a third party – ACF aka @Acycling_fan – entered the ring with a typically opinionated statement:

@friebos @festinagirl lets cut to the chase. Skys performances hav been US POSTAL style. guys who couldnt climb 1 yr are awesome the next yr

— ACF (@ACycling_fan) March 10, 2013

“Like? Some, not all, have certainly improved. They’ve also gone from leading teams to riding as domestiques,” replied @friebos, matter-of-factly.

“Where was Porte a team leader?” asked @festinagirl, forgetting Porte’s breakthrough seventh place in the 2010 Giro while at Saxo Bank. “Sure, Sky super doms have potential to lead elsewhere but that’s not unique to Sky.”

“Enough. We know what you think,” said @friebos, clearly eager to call time on a futile session of Sunday evening verbal fencing (after all, the final episode of gripping ITV drama, Mr Selfridge, was about to begin).

But the author of Mountain High and Eddy Merckx: The Cannibal couldn’t resist one final jab of the epée. “You have 7000 followers. Free to say what you like, but that’s a big audience to tell that someone is a fraud.”

This clearly got up the nose of the Prosecution’s tag-teamer @Acycling_fan, who jumped in with a seemingly personal jibe:

@friebos @festinagirl dan, you can keep the public stupid, just like the cycling press did for so Many years with Lance

— ACF (@ACycling_fan) March 10, 2013

“Simply not true. 95% of those who read cycling press had drawn correct conclusion about LA,” said the Defence, standing his ground.

At this point in proceedings, SBS young buck Al Hinds, who has followed the career of Porte intently since his time as cub reporter at Cyclingnews, pinged one off in support of the curly-haired Friebe:

@friebos @acycling_fan @festinagirl save yourself the pain mate. Not worth it.

— Alexander Hinds (@al_hinds) March 10, 2013

Clearly irate, the embittered @Acycling_fan came back with another fierce jab below the belt: “Well done Alex, keep the Omertà strong.”

Re-entering the room after perhaps warming up some dinner in the microwave (Findus Crispy Lasagne, allegedly), @festinagirl took @friebos to account with his comment about her misleading her lavish hoard of followers on Twitter.

“Not sure what your point is? All views are my own as are yours, presumably?” came the reply, prompting Britain’s leading young cycling journalist into a staunch defence of his own journalistic integrity: “I don’t and can’t print libellous supposition. We’re bound by same rules (no, laws) on here, or should be.”

There followed a long silence from the Prosecution. Once the case was taken back up, there seemed to be a marked shift from insinuations of doping to accusations of boredom-inducement and suffocation of the mystique.

As if it wasn’t enough for Porte to become the first Australian to win Paris-Nice while taking the queen’s stage mountain-top finish as well as the final uphill time trial, the Tasmanian was being chastised for doing it in a robotic and dour fashion.

Richie Porte ‘not trying’ up the Col d’Eze (Photo: AFP)

Anyway, time for Saddles to join the fray. Your humble cycling blogger finds the whole verbal spat rather irksome – and entirely symptomatic of the climate brought on by years of lies and shattered dreams.

But here’s the thing.

All cycling fans are allowed to be suspicious, for sure, but it’s getting out of hand when any admirable performance is greeted with a mass of jeers – a general wave of discontent that has the power to spread much faster in an era where Twitter reigns supreme, where everyone is a journalist and yet doesn’t feel they still have to adhere to the same moral framework the profession requires.

Given what happened before with Armstrong, brushes, and carpets, it’s become highly fashionable now for people – whether big or small – to throw the book at any performance that outdoes the other lesser performances on the day. There seems to be a consensus amongst a growing majority that no riders can improve without drugs; that riding “intelligently” is just another way of being “better prepared”; that Team Sky’s dominance is clearly a case of Groundhog Day.

It seems to Saddles that there are too many nihilistic iconoclasts out there bent on becoming the next Paul Kimmage. (You could say, even, that Paul Kimmage is bent on becoming the next Paul Kimmage – or at least a v2.0 Paul Kimmage – but that’s an entirely different tangent.)

Some cycling fans are distrusting of everything not through any measured thought, but on principle (but without principle). They’re doing it by default just so they can say – should something emerge at a later date – that they told you so. It’s a no-lose situation for them. Team Sky don’t get caught out – the suspicion still lingers; they do – hey, I told you so.

Granted, it’s probably not enough for many fans to take things on trust anymore. But by the same token, it’s not right for default suspicions to precede any form of appreciation of training methods, hard work, dedication and professionalism.

Yes, there’s a chance that Sky are US Postal mark two – but there’s also a much more likely chance that they are Sky mark one and are precisely what has emerged from the ashes of the American team.

With the top end of cycling relying pretty much on covert doping operations for nigh-on two decades, there was certainly a window of opportunity for a team coming in with advanced training methods centred around squad cohesion, teamwork, and marginal gains.

Yes, it’s not to everyone’s liking (the 2012 Tour de France was a dire spectacle, to be sure) but it’s damned effective.

“There’s no secret,” said Chris Froome after taking the Tirreno-Adriatico leader’s blue jersey over the border on Sunday. “It’s just continuing to work the way we worked in the last few years: training, measuring the training, and going back and doing it again. There’s not too much to it. It’s about getting the basics right.”

Vincenzo Nibali would agree – the Italian telling reporters on Sunday that he “paid a price for the infernal rhythm of Froome’s team in the finale.”

As for Porte, his time at Sky is “totally different” from his stint at Saxo Bank. “There is no other team training as hard as we do,” he confirmed. “The proof is in the pudding.”

(Photo: Getty Images)

Sky, it seems, have it sorted out. They have a roll call of GC riders – Wiggins, Froome, Porte – all ably supported by an interchangeable array of super-domestiques. The likes of Lopez, Uran, Henao, Cataldo, Zandio, Siutsou, and Kiryienka can all do a job if called upon – and that’s not even mentioning the classics riders and all-rounders like Thomas and Boasson-Hagen.

It is any surprise that Sky are so strong with such strength in depth and advanced training?

Yes, many of us share @festinagirl’s views when she says she’d much prefer watching riders like Voigt and Voeckler than a group of black-and-blue clad warriors dialing in the required wattage into their powermeters and riding to a programme.

But riders like Voeckler and Voigt are a dying breed. Besides, most of the ones we came to love over the past couple of decades had precisely the kind of preparatory help that many are so quick to accuse Sky of employing.

Fans need to be more realistic. By all means, be cynical – but do so for a reason and not merely in protest. Omertà is one thing, but a persistent finger-pointing and unmeasured hounding is just as bad.

We all know the feeling – when you’re standing at the bar and an unfeasibly cute girl seems to be smiling or mouthing something suggestive to you from the other end; you smile back, perhaps even mouth something back in return, but then turn and see that her boyfriend is posited right behind you, blowing her kisses.

Well, imagine being as big a stud as muscle-flexing, tattoo-sporting, wavy hair-growing Pippo and turning round to discover you’ve been outdone by someone as unassuming and, er, unsexy as Blel Kadri. Che orrore!

A whole 37 seconds after Kadri rode down the paved Fori Imperiali in the shadow of the Coliseum and raised his hands aloft in celebration of his first win since 2010, Pozzato powered clear of the peloton to take what he thought was his second win of the season for new outfit Lampre-Merida.

Pippo pips Bole at line in case of mistaken winner identity (image by Bettini courtesy of Team Lampre Merida)

Pippo wasn’t the only one: as the Italian stallion raised both arms in celebration, the man whose place he took at Lampre – the Slovenian Grega Bole (now of Vacansoleil-DCM) – slammed his first down on the handlebars in anger, thinking he had been narrowly pipped for the olive wreath crown.

Several riders even patted Emperor Pozzato on the back after the finish line – and it wasn’t until the 31-year-old had a chat with his soigneur that he discovered he’d been Punk’d by Kadri, a French waif once described by his mother as “an angel trapped in a man’s body.”

“Yeah, I thought I won but after the finish line my physio told me I was second,” he told reporters afterwards. “I don’t understand because when you don’t have the radio it’s difficult to look who’s in the front, and to know how many riders are in the front. But this is the new cycling.”

To be fair to Pippo – if there’s one rider who could easily pass under the radar in the peloton it’s Kadri, who only decided to take part in the race moments before the start when Ag2R-La Mondiale team-mate Steve Chainel was taken ill.

The diminutive 26-year-old – habitually a failed breakaway artist extraordinaire whose only other professional win came in the Route du Sud back in 2010 – was part of an initial leading group of five riders that broke after 50-odd kilometres of the 180km race.

Kadri put in what looked like to be a Johnny Hoogerland-style death-trap attack on the Campo di Annibale with 40km left to race, shedding his fellow fugitives who were wolfed down by the chasing peloton. A new five-man chasing group formed around Vincenzo Nibali of Astana, but once they realised Kadri had sewn up the win on entering the Eternal City, they sat up to set up the ensuing drama.

Clearly none of them had told Pippo that there was still one rogue Frenchman up ahead. An astonished Kadri rode solo over the line much to the chagrin of local supporters, who were seemingly denied a grandstand finale. He was the first Frenchman to win the race since Charley Mottet in 1989. He was probably the first “angel trapped in a man’s body” to win in Rome too.

With no earpiece issuing him a train of tactical tips from his directeur sportif – and with Kadri sufficiently far ahead not to be seen – Pozzato launched what will surely be this season’s most fiercely competitive bunch sprint for second place.

The delight on his face as Pozzato crossed the line to ‘win’ the race he last won in 2005 – back before the re-branding when it was called the Giro del Lazio – was as hard to swallow as a pint given to you by the geeky guy whose cute girlfriend you mistook as eyeing you up at the bar.

Ah, but good old Pippo – giving the Roman public reason to put their thumbs up. There is something anti-climatic about a solo win in these kinds of races – especially when it’s delivered by a rider who’s not from the area. A rider who only seemed to be taking part in the race on a whim.

Surprise gladiator Kadri emerges victorious

Kadri emerging victorious from the Coliseum is something no-one ever expected to see. After all, if there’s one rider in the peloton you wouldn’t call a gladiator, it’s Kadri.

In fact, if Kadri was thrown into the arena opposite Russell Crowe his mortal demise would no doubt be as sudden as it were bloody – probably with some kind of spiked object to the head, or perhaps a double-sided axe cutting him in two and spreading his innards across the sand amid gasps and retches from the baying crowd.

And were Kadri and Pozzato thrown into the ring with an array of nets and tridents and told to fight to the death, we all know that there would have been only one winner.

But sometimes cycling turns up something of a surprise and that’s why we love it – just ask Europcar’s Damien Gaudin…