Not Pat McQuaid, by Scott O’Raw of Velocast

“Clearly there has been confusion regarding who was responsible for the ills of the UCI, and I feel it my duty to make sure that everyone knows that I am Not Pat McQuaid.  Pat McQuaid is the chap to blame for the lack of development in women’s racing, the lack of progress on dealing with doping, and the sock length thing. Not me. I was here on Twitter all along. No, I want to fix everything the real Pat McQuaid has allowed to fester, in return, of course, for an undisclosed yet no doubt significant salary.”

In an effort to put clear water between himself and everyone else who has yet to be nominated for the backdated election, DJ-NPMQ, as he wishes to be called, poured scorn on anyone who thinks he was the incumbent responsible for anything funny, corrupt, or just plain daft. “That other chap has done bugger all for the sport, other than making it look stupid to the world and fast tracking Asian events of which no one I know for sure makes any financial gains.”

After sinking another Scotch on the rocks, the artist formerly known as Pat continued, ‘That McQuaid chap was clearly Irish, and as a citizen of both Casablanca and Kho Samui, there should be no confusion regarding my allegiance to Swiss cycling. I can’t possibly be him as he has a strong Irish accent whereas I merely am very good at impersonating someone who has a strong Irish accent. I would also like to clarify that Brian Cookson is claiming credit for good things in British cycling that were not achieved by him, but by another man with the same name.”   Future UCI president Brian Cookson responded furiously to anything on Twitter, his PR firm intern stating, “Yet again Pat McQuaid is a clown. Brian, I mean I, am Not Pat McQuaid and neither or so is his/my wife. #shizzle”

Fly to Flanders, kiss your KOM goodbye

In a move designed to placate the amateur riders of Catalonia, beloved airline Ryanair have agreed to share passenger data with GPS performance website Strava.

It appears that the huge number of professional cyclists registered in the Girona area has been upsetting average carbonised club riders who have found it impossible to gain any coveted QOMs and KOMs. Despite the best efforts of locals to motorpace or team time trial favourite segments, they remain out of reach to anyone outside at least a Pro Continental team.

“Our reason for riding has gone now, stolen by these slim divas, without a thought to our self-esteem,” said Casa Nova Amic, president of the Girona and District Gentlemen’s Athletic Bicycle Club. “There was a time when young lads could rip up the Rocacorba and nip into the top 20, but now they find that they’re barely in the top 200. Furthermore or less, with an influx of pro women to the region the gentlemen riders are losing more places. This travesty prompted us to approach Ryanair, and we are so grateful that they have launched this initiative. Personally I was devastated that even an electric scooter was insufficient to progress beyond 768th on the track to my own home.”

The new scheme, dubbed locally as “Take out the take-offs,” uses Ryanair check-in information to alter the Strava data of any person between the age of 19 and 40 who takes more than four flights per month from Girona airport.  When a name tallies with the UCI licence data, the information is sent to Strava, who then run the uploads through a complex algorithm which takes into account their season’s points tally. Extra deductions are made for flights to Tenerife.

When pressed on data protection issues, Ryanair spokesman Michael Flatley sought to allay riders’ fears. “No one will know who is flying where, just that a KOM or QOM has become vacant when Hesjedal, Martin, Garner and co. leave town. As the airline that everyone loves most, we believe that being loved by even more cyclists can’t be a bad thing. In addition, part of the deal with Strava now allows pilots to set up Strava segments between airports to compete with each other, something sure to improve flight times if not fuel efficiency. If it proves popular we will extend it to baggage handlers in Manchester.”

The move has not gone down well with one Girona-based media magnate. “It took weeks to hack into the UCI licence database so I could add myself and get confidential emails from them. Now if I want to show up on the Strava section between bars on the Banyoles main street I’ll have to hack in again to remove myself.”

Strava were unable to comment as their server had crashed under the weight of new data processing, but we believe that they have welcomed the opportunity to have wealthy users regain a smidgen of pride. Whilst one un-named professional initially asked what Strava was, when pressed further, expressed his belief that the move would simply lead to an increase in the use of private jets and Barcelona airport.

An Orange bus, alone with God and Medicine.

Whilst all other teams parked their death- and near-death star buses in the town square, the Basque battlers were located between the church and the medical tent.

Team welfare director Xanadu Xeriously stressed that the decision was deliberate to fulfil two key roles in rider safety.  “All the team were able to pray in church to prevent crashes on the sign-in stage, and the actual bicycling activity of the day was coated in prayer.  We were also able to speed up the medical treatment of crashing orange people by having a 2-meter gap between the medical tent and the team bus”.

St Xhute, patron saint of the overshot corner, received the prayers and also passed some onto St Counter-Xteer, patron saint of the front wheel losing traction.

Xeriously went on to add, “We travel far north beyond the Arctic circle to boost the commercial awareness of a Basque telecommunications company, and therefore feel it is vital to call upon the protection of higher powers.  If they bugger up there is always the medical tent. And while you’re here perhaps you can tell me why none of the cycling writers ever want to talk to us? We had one rider finish for God’s sake, which is more that can be said for another team in some year or other.”

Garry Beckett, team soigneur and head of rider enjoyment, developed the new ‘fatigue and cheerfulness’ remedy after harvesting jungle spiders from a Tour of Langkawi feed zone.

Some nasty bastards in the feedzone today!lockerz.com/s/285468694

— Garry Beckett (@Rockybucket) February 28, 2013

The original Garmin Sharp Fangs

“I’d had a snake bite chicken meal in China last year and wondered if there could be some use of poisonous venom within rider care. When I saw the monster arachnid trying to steal a musette I got the bugger into a bidon and decided to test my theory. In a randomised double blind trial, riders who were whining about riding really fast in the rain had the spider introduced onto the massage table. One bite from that little beastie and complaints about riding bikes were eliminated and they all felt very keen to get back on a bike, albeit with a fair of bit of swelling to the lower limbs.”

Hearing of the successful trial, team director Jonathan Vaughters stated, “We’d like to extend the treatment to all team staff now, but need clarity from the UCI regarding needles. A team free from complaining is a happy team and I’d joyously have everyone bitten on a regular basis if it means we can engender a more upbeat atmosphere. Peripheral shutdown and shock is also likely to reduce catering costs across the board; I’m sure we can have people ‘food-free’ for several days at a time – good news for our budget and indeed our over-harvested planet.”

Whilst other teams are thought to be watching developments closely, zoo security agents have been placed on alert and all Brazilian Wandering Spiders have been removed from public view.

Sound normally reaches the cochlea by way of the auditory canal and ear drum. With the AfterShokz the sound is transmitted to the cochlea along the temporal bone, i.e., the skull. This leave the auditory canal open and ready to pick up sounds being generated around you.

The system was originally developed for military use, where radio operators not only had to hear base calling for fresh pies through the radio, but it was also thought necessary to hear incoming dangerous objects and your comrades discussing “Strictly Come Dancing.”

Now the system is available for anyone to use and I love it! As around 98.1% of my training is done solo, long rides were rather dull without Michel Thomas Spanish lessons but normal bud earphones left me unable to hear traffic until it was dangerously close.

While using AfterShokz I can hear the contents of my iPod clearly whilst being completely capable of hearing traffic around me. The system has transformed long rides into pleasant experiences without compromising my safety. Why, only today a enjoyed a lovely bit of Elgar while on a long Peak district climb with sheep clearly vocal through my ear hole.

Hook it over but not into your ears

The sound quality is excellent, maybe not deep enough bass for gangstas, but perfect for the majority of users. I even heard some subtle sound layers on a few favourite tracks that I hadn’t heard before.

The system is charged via a USB cable, and one charge has lasted more than 2 weeks so far. Volume can be changed at the control unit that also has a clip for clothing. The Sportz M2 model on test also allows calls to be taken from a smart phone, with a microphone in the control unit – though no one has called me whilst I’ve been on a ride, and if they had I wouldn’t answer anyway.

In simulated tests it worked well and I’ve used the system over the top of a Belgian-style winter cap, keeping winter wind off my ears but the tunes still flowing. I only have one criticism (and it’s minor), in that the clothing clip lacks a spring so it’s hard to clip anywhere other than at the edge of clothing. Apart from that, I have nothing negative to say about the AfterShokz, although using ‘z’ in place of ‘s’ is never to be condoned.

If you enjoy riding with music but wish to remain aware of all that is going on around you, then look no further than this unique system. Highly recommended.

AfterShokz Sportz M2 (with phone microphone)

AfterShokz Sportz 2