The latest shortcut for cycling performance enhancement was revealed by the UCI to be DB01050

“Upon examination by our extensive legal team here at the UCI, numbering in the hundreds, we have gone through our lab notification archives to discover a new drug scourge which previously went undetected. It is known to be DB01050. For some reason, our software programme has been unable to flag the widespread use of this product,” stated head legal council Philippe Verbiest during a press conference in Ulan Bator, where Verbiest was signing off on the latest WorldTour scheme for Global Cycling Promotion SA.

“The drug cause pain sensors to be dulled, and can actually repair certain tissues which have been damaged by overuse of muscle groups, in particular the legs and arms. It works in concert with the central nervous system to allow riders to extend their performance in difficult stages,” continued Verbiest.

Verbiest refused to comment or speculate on the reasons why the UCI has previously been unable to detect such widespread use of DB01050, which has been rumoured to be as high as 80%.

“We perform cost/benefit analysis on a daily basis at Aigle. And it could be that one of the other members of our law cadre at the UCI might have felt the damage to the sport would have been too high if it had been revealed. I’ll have to look through my legal notes in Asana to determine where our oversight occurred,” continued Verbiest.

Cycling commentators around the world have begun to scream “CONSPIRACY” as the UCI, once again, deals with yet another scandal following a series of death blows beginning with the Festina Affair, then the haematocrit debacle, followed by the constant Armstrong denials peppered with CERA exposés, and continuing right through to the Contador drama.

“The level of ineptitude at the UCI has reached biblical proportions. I’m expecting the four horsemen of the apocalypse to lay waste to the monstrosity of pompous legal mumbo jumbo known as UCI headquarters. How many screw-ups can this organization have before the IOC just decides to shut them down? It’s an absolute joke,” stated one commentator who refused to be named for fear of reprisals.

Several professional cyclists came out slamming the latest string of stupidity from the UCI, including noted homeopath, Francesco Mancebo, who chose to colorfully comment on the situation.

“Look, I see guys popping pills during races faster than a Pez dispenser hooked up to a tennis ball launcher. It doesn’t surprise me that the pro peloton takes whatever they can, as the odds of them being caught are slim. I’m waiting for some guy to jack up on EPO at the start line as the UCI say they can’t do anything because their lawyers said he was on the wrong side of the barriers and can’t be punished,” revealed the 5-hour Energy/Kenda star, who took time away from a meeting with anti-doping crusader and team manager Frankie Andreu for his comments.

Verbiest refused to comment or speculate on when the UCI would begin an in-depth investigation into the DB01050 scandal. The UCI legal counsel stated that with the array of scandals they have currently on the UCI docket, DB01050 would have to take a number and probably wait until 2018 for resolution.

UCI president Pat McQuaid refused to comment on the developments, saying he would defer to the expert legal advice of the UCI advisors who, to date, haven’t steered him wrong.

“After conducting a random out-of-commentating test on April 7th, 2012, we found substances that would indicate possible performance enhancements by both Steve Schlanger and Todd Gogulski. In line with our code, we have forwarded the file to the UCI for follow-up. As of today, Schlanger and Gogulski have not requested a review of their B sample,” stated a representative from WADA.

Most of the cycling world were expecting to the duo to be nabbed for commentary doping after their performance on April 6th, 2013, when they made a series bizarre on-air references about Movistar rider Nairo Quintana. Instead of the typical veiled commentary made popular by most journalists and analysts, the Universal Sports pair chose to publicly question the validity of Quintana’s performance.

However, legal representation for Schlanger and Gogulski are incensed over the findings, saying his clients were the victims of a “witch-hunt” and “target-testing.”

“It’s a proven fact that 90% of the commentating pool would return an AAF. My clients are being singled out for actions echoed in commentating booths around the world. The fact that this “out-of-commentating” test should happen to occur the day after they caused a well-justified uproar is the sort of problem facing the entire sport today,” stated Steven Sondhurst, legal representative for the beleaguered duo.

In keeping with WADA rules, Universal Sports immediately took action to suspend the duo from commentating duties pending an investigation into the matter.

“We will be cooperating fully with WADA and the UCI to get to the bottom of this situation. However, we are shocked that these two credible journalists would be singled out after so many commentators on Sporza and Eurosport have been known to be guilty of journo-doping in the full presence UCI brass and yet have escaped testing and sanctions,” stated Bonnie Fromstein, a representative from Universal Sports.

WADA refuses to divulge what may have been the substances discovered during the out-of-commentating test. However, other commentators have been speculating as to what the duo may have been guilty of ingesting.

“We all know that comments like the ones that occurred on April 6th are usually the result of some sort of hallucinatory product, maybe even something peyote-like, which is also used for commentator medicinal purposes. If it was peyote, I’m sure there will be the appropriate Therapeutic Use Exemption produced to explain the positive,” commented one Eurosport commentator familiar with the situation.

Some in the commentary pool were not as pleasant in their assessment.

SBS Cycling Central pundit Phil Gomes wrote a well-reasoned rebuttal to the duo’s on-air comments in addition to tweeting,

“Schlanger and Gogulski’s take was particularly egregious, and seemingly misinformed, a cheap shot.”

No word from the UCI when a resolution to the case will be had. The duo remain on “administrative paid leave pending investigation” status at Universal Sports.

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Greipel and Gilbert share a moment during times where the alleged “doping,” exposed by hidden camera, had occurred. (Image courtesy ispaphoto.com via cyclingnews.com)

Vayerasco coerced both Gilbert and Greipel to attend a clandestine breakfast meeting prior to Gent-Wevelgem, placing a hidden camera in a teapot especially commissioned by RTL to film the conversation in the hopes the cyclists would reveal their doping exploits. The camera itself carried a price tag of $30,000 US dollars, according to the exposé.

“I must admit, I do use bananas, Coca-Cola, and coffee in my training. I’m a little uncomfortable about having to use these products, but unfortunately it’s extremely necessary in the world of cycling,” admitted an emotional Greipel during the hidden camera footage.

The candid video revealed the extreme measures the pair have taken in their use of external products to enhance their cycling performances, with Gilbert also admitting to his doping products of choice during the racing season.

“I sometimes have to rely on aspirin. I know I shouldn’t, but the racing schedule can be difficult. I also must admit that I sneak significant amounts of Nutella into the hotel room,” relayed a tearful Gilbert.

In footage shot at his Swiss compound, SKINNY BIDONS chairman Jimmy Phullovhymselv – the mastermind behind this shocking exposé – told viewers, “My brilliant joint venture with RTL and ZDF to expose the massive doping problem in the peloton today is a shining beacon of absolute sporting purity. It should make me the king of all sports! It should also cause the entire world to buy my innovative bidon, “SKINNY BIDONS,” as this product would end all doping in all sports.”

Representatives of both Greipel and Gilbert were rather unmoved by the revelations, and really couldn’t understand why this was news at all.

“I think the general public consumes more coffee in three hours than both Greipel and Gilbert do all season. This tempest in a $30,000 teapot is quite ludicrous, but I guess this is what cycling has become,” stated Lotto-Belisol team manager Marc Sergeant.

BMC Racing owner Andy Rihs was also rather blasé about the “revelations.”

“Is there any way we can just ban this Phullovhymselv character? Frankly, the attempt at causing a spectacle with incredibly ridiculous assertions about cycling make him look foolhardy. It’s also a grand waste of all of our time,” commented Rihs.

Overnight reports show the RTL/ZDF joint venture was a colossal flop. Numbers reveal most viewers switched off the exposé within the first 15 minutes of the two-hour presentation, which showed Greipel eating bananas in slow motion at least 24 times.

Cycling pundits also shared their feelings about the exposé.

“I was really happy to find out who Philippe’s barber is. He does a masterful job on his hair. Also, I never knew Andre Greipel was such a fan of the Twilight movie sagas,” commented Spanish journalist Fran Reyes, when asked about which parts were the most shocking to him.

As of today there were no comments from the UCI on the exposé. When asked to comment on the broadcast, UCI management committee member Tracey Gaudry could be heard laughing hysterically in the background as her press officer stated she had no official statement about the situation.

UCI president Pat McQuaid was unavailable for a quote as he was drumming up votes for his upcoming bid for re-election in September.

French Models are upset by excessively thin cyclists ruining their reputation (image courtesy cosmopolitan.co.uk)

“In their quest to be as lean as possible, professional cyclists have encroached upon the working territory of our modeling constituents. Being excessively skinny and gaunt is their professional domain, and the efforts by these bike riders have jeopardised the reputation of models worldwide,” stated a representative of the legal firm representing FMU.

It seems FMU is taking exception to the current crop of super-thin cyclists sporting a look that fashion models have cultivated over the past 70 years. The fashion industry has been notorious for its drug use, eating disorders, lack of hygiene, and use of any means necessary to stay thin without actually exercising.

“This has been our modus operandi for decades. Now, the professional cycling peloton is taking our carefully cultivated approach and copying our methodology, but with one additional, damaging aspect. They go out and ride 230 kilometres on a bicycle as fast as they can. This is a complete affront to our je ne sais quois,” stated the lawyer representing FMU.

The group cited examples of Vacansoleil’s Lieuwe Westra, OmegaPharma-Quickstep’s Michael Kwiatowski, and the entire Team Sky entourage.

“We can appreciate a model’s desire to be rail-thin, because that’s when the clothes look their best. A mannequin should be the hanger that showcases the ensemble and nothing more. This is de rigeur in the fashion industry, but this is not what cyclists should look like. The last time we saw gauntness and lycra together, it was the disastrous runway collection by Stephen Sprouse that riffed on cycling gear.
 

The notorious Stephen Sprouse collection that is best forgotten

The lawsuit is asking French courts to set minimum-weight-to-height ratio limits on the professional peloton in order to ensure that CPA members not infringe on the reputation of the fashion industry. It is also asking all riders participating in the Tour de France to maintain at least 5% body fat.

Karl Lagerfeld, one of the more prominent supporters of the lawsuit noted, “We have to look out for the reputation of our industry, and preserve the valuable identity we have established. We can’t have people expecting our models to do more than walk down a runway. If professional cyclists are permitted to be excessively thin and also athletic, the general public will begin to expect more from us,” stated the disturbingly-thin Chanel designer from a chaise longue in his Paris atelier.

An unnamed source inside the Team Sky camp was incensed by the move.

“This is absolutely ridiculous. We are free to be as thin as we want. So what if all our riders look like an army of praying mantises when they head to the front of the race and slam the rest of the peloton to pieces while being just skin and bones.  We are allowed to suffer from anorexia, bulimia, and excessive drug use just like the birds in the fashion model industry,” commented the anonymous Team Sky representative.

Cycling pundits around the globe welcomed the lawsuit.

“Frankly I think this whole skinny movement is utterly preposterous. It makes it difficult to photograph the podium ceremony when they turn sideways to wave. They disappear into the background completely. This whole thin thing should be left to marathoners only. And fashion models. We need to bring back the beefcake era. Please. I just am tired of photographing these waifs. If I wanted that, I would have been in Milano for fashion week,” commented one cycling photographer who may or may not have been from Bettini Photography.

The FMU representative concurred. “These specimens on bikes should not try to copy the ‘heroin chicness’ of our clients, but rather should exude strength and power, like Fabian Cancellara, Cadel Evans, Mark Cavendish, or even Pippo Pozzato. These are all strong and virile men with striking chests and thick muscular thighs, especially Pozzato,” murmured the FMU representative dreamily.

CPA representative Gianni Bugno wasn’t available for comment. However, AIGCP-president-under-duress Jonathan Vaughters was happy to supply a soundbite.

“My team has a distinct ‘no insect look’ clause in all our contracts,” stated Vaughters.

The CPA has ten days to file a defense, or faces possible injunctions against the professional peloton as requested by the FMU.

Serenity now: Cavendish finds time to explore a burgeoning career as a landscape artist painting beautiful scenery. (image by photopress.be via cyclingnews.com)

“I have to admit, it’s been a bit difficult adjustment for me at OPQS after a year of absolute trials and tribulations. I’ve had to come up with another hobby to occupy my time,” stated the British superstar at a pre-Tirreno Adriatico press conference in Donoratico.

Last year Cavendish had a challenging season of excessive team infighting with his childhood mate Brad Wiggins. The turmoil culminated with Team Sky former directeur sportif Sean Yates stating over the radio at the Tour de France, “Who the f**k cares where Cavendish is right now, he can fetch bottles until the Champs.”

“Every day there was something new that I had to respond to on Twitter, or a phone call I had to field, or stupid questions I had to answer about riders from the tainted era, all because Brad couldn’t play nice with the press,” commented Cavendish.

The Manxman had to cope with juggling not only the demands of being one of the sprinting superstars of the sport, but also how to deal with a lack of internal team support when Sky principal and Doctor Evil doppelgänger David Brailsford elected to give his all in achieving the goals of Bradley Wiggins.

“I didn’t even get one of those superbikes like Brad rode at the Olympics. Thank goodness they didn’t put me on bottle duty at the last minute during the road race. It was touch and go for awhile, but they still screwed me up for any chance of a medal,” commented the Manx Missile.

With that chapter closed, Cavendish has taken up painting to fill the gaps.

“Since I don’t have to deal with all those team politics anymore, life has been pretty easy. In fact, with all this free time from not having to be on the phone constantly, I’ve had time to learn how to paint landscapes. It’s been quite therapeutic. Plus, Boonen has been fun to cook with when he comes over to my place,” continued Cavendish.

Cavendish’s new benefactor, Zdenek Bakala, noted how talented Cavendish has become as a painter.

“It’s quite possible the challenges Mark faced last year have taught him the patience to become an accomplished artist. His latest work has garnered the attention of art critics in London who were very impressed with his technique and subject matter,” stated Bakala.

Cavendish is thoroughly pleased with his new hobby and the ability to spend more time with his family without having to satisfy the “ridiculous” media requirements of Team Sky. He also hopes to be able to rekindle his sprint rivalry with Andre Greipel at Tirreno.

“Both Andre and I are tranquillo now. It’s almost as good as our time at HTC with Bob (Stapleton). I’m looking forward to us dueling at Tirreno. I’m also pleased I’m doing the Italian races this year, as I don’t think I could handle awful French food this early in the season,” concluded Cavendish.

The first stage of Tirreno-Adriatico  kicks off Wednesday with a team time trial on the picturesque coast of Italy just south of Pisa.