Experts have yet to authenticate that the black rectangular object on the helmets was indeed of the TMA variety, but several telltale characteristics of the mysterious figure were evident. The object was rectangular, matte, and unreflective, but perhaps the most compelling evidence is that which was not seen, but observed. Monoliths were known to emerge during periods of technological or evolutionary advancement, and the performance of Europcar’s Damien Gaudin suggests that the monolith did appear during the opening round.

Damien Gaudin travelling through a stargate on his way to a prologue victory

“We’ve evaluated the race footage, and it does, on the surface, seem that the presence of this monolith did open a stargate for Gaudin, similar to what Dave Bowman experienced,” said Al Phaparticle, speaking to us from CERN. “It’s really the only explanation we have for how he was able to win the opening time trial.”

Louis Garneau, who spoke to us on behalf of Louis Garneau, dismissed the idea that they were developing any new, as-yet-to-be-named helmet technology.

“We would actually have to be rocket scientists in order to be able to make a monolith,” said Garneau. “We are completely focused on making stylish, functional, and super-good-looking helmets. We don’t have time for binary fission.”

Phaparticle was suspicious of Garneau’s claims, pointing out that other members of Team Europcar were also seen with the monolith. “We know that the monolith can be replicated. And the presence of more than one of these suggests that someone has worked out how to do that with this enigmatic item,” he said. “We’ve asked Garneau for a helmet sample, but were offered poutine instead.”

Observers will be anxiously awaiting the next race against the clock in which Europcar will participate.

Members of the UCI approach a previous monolith

Yet another vein in the complex root structure of the Lance Armstrong arbor has surfaced recently, when a tip from BMC rider Thor Hushovd led investigators to a discovery that soil purchased from garden centres in the UK and Europe had been contaminated by the disgraced rider, after he dragged the sport of cycling through the mud.

Public health officials found deposits of bad cycling elements within bags of Mierda Bolsa, a popular brand of garden soil exported from Spain, during routine testing in 2010. It is estimated that 3,360.2 bags of soil were sent to the UK, with numbers exceeding that in mainland Europe.

Mierda Bolsa being prepared for shipment to WADDA

Phil Loam, from the Department of Health, held a press conference to announce the findings from the lab that conducted the first tests. “The truth is, we can’t be entirely sure how much of the bad dirt made it into the country,” said Loam. “Cycling was so heavily tainted, that it’s possible that we haven’t even begun to scratch the surface of this contamination. We never would have known about it had Thor remained silent and not given his emotional and revealing interview to Cyclingnews.”

Loam told the media that the World Anti-Dirty Dirt Association (WADDA) is currently conducting further soil tests to see how much contamination exists now, and just how widespread the problem is. He elaborated by saying that Armstrong’s influence in the sport, and the subsequent pall his confession has cast over cycling, means that clean up efforts will be quite extensive and prolonged.

On a local level, garden centres across the UK have issued a recall on bags of Mierda Bolsa sold between 1998 and 2009, although “There’s very little chance we’ll recover anything from those years,” said Tara Firma, President of the UK’s garden centre organisation Countryside Retail Union Directory (CRUD), speaking during the press conference.

Firma went on to say that the bad dirt has forced retailers to slash prices on all soil and compost, as a result of the load of Mierda that hit the UK. Consumers are hesitant to purchase other brands, despite reassurances from CRUD that the problem has been isolated, and has improved in recent years.

Loam stated that contamination seems to be limited to the Mierda Bolsa brand, all remaining bags of Mierda Bolsa have been sent to WADDA for examination. He went on to caution that recent improvements are not to be overestimated.

“We know that this contamination originates from a time long before the Armstrong era, but it was during those years that the pathogen morphed into a more widespread problem. We suspect that another transformation has happened recently,” said Loam, “and we fear that testing has not yet caught up to the current cytologic form.”

‘Evidence of contaminated soil fell from team cars during the 2009 TdF

“The best we can hope for now, is that no one else take the sport into the mud bath the way Armstrong did.”

The Department of Health has stated that the public does not need to be concerned that their gardens have been ruined by these recent findings.