Devastated by the shocking raid on their team equipment van, quick-witted mechanics at Team Garmin Sharp thought they had both outwitted thieves and brought additional gains to the team’s performance with a boldly ingenious plan.
Following the theft of team bikes outside their hotel last week, head engineer Bob North-South, took a saw to the TT bikes to allow Dan Martin et al to continue in the Tour of the Mediterranean. Not only did the new Cervelo 0.5 weigh much less than before, but the cornering was said to be outrageously twitchy.
Team Head Chief Jonathan Vaughters stated, “Everything points to this as being a positive moment, when at first we merely thought that thieving scumbags had brought our entire season to an end. But now we have the key to dislodging Movistar from the position of best possible team evs. Now, back to the fishing.”
Performance benefits of this new design continue to accrue; after four days’ practice, climbing out of the saddle was deemed impossible and an improved view from the higher position gave strategic advantage when riding in the proximity of hedges and walls. A preliminary agreement had been reached with Mark Cavendish to ensure that riders would be served water bottles when necessary.
The plans of the team to take a saw to all their bikes has sadly been scuppered, however, by a UCI ruling drafted as soon as the governing body heard about the cunning plan. In the technical document entitled Look, It’s a Bike, a new sub-paragraph eleventy five states that “external dark forces are strictly forbidden from making professional cycling appear foolish, and all incredulous ass-hattery must emanate from within the offices of the UCI technical café.”
In a separate but parallel development of sorts, Swiss police have raided a barn in Aigle following a tip-off from adverts that appeared in Craigslist CH, finding not only the Garmin Sharp bikes, but a sleeping drunk dressed in a Saeco muscle skinsuit. An iPad was open at a Google search for ‘how to win arguments against a smarty pants’.
Dr. Mike Ashenden was unavailable for dinner but stated via the last mass of Pope Benedict that “half a bike was better than no bike at all.”