Outrageous news has come into the Cyclismas news desk regarding future deviant activities of Johan Bruyneel, disgraced former friend of disgraced former cyclist Lance Armstrong
Despite months of staunch defiance and a stated determination to clear his throat, Boss Hogg, as he likes to be called, has decided not to appear in front of Judge Judy for his hearing.
A statement by someone stated that “Mr. Johan Bruyneel has let it be known that he will not be able to be present at the hearing planned for 29th January at the RLBV federal building, to which he was invited by the federal prosecutor.”
This in effect scuppers his chance of any further lying and now a federal prosecutor will proceed with the inquiry and he will decide without let or hindrance on what further steps should be taken. Given that Bruyneel was, by all accounts, a dirty doping DS, he’s pretty screwed.
Whilst this may seem pretty stupid, we have discovered the real reason for Bruyneel’s absence is that he is mid-air, on his way to take part in an illicit Hawaii Ironman in surrogate form, on behalf of his golden goose, Mr. (not Sir) Armstrong.
Plans revealed to Cyclismas from someone within the UCI state that Johan will don his wet suit and swim out to sea until Lance says he can come back. He will then ride 112 miles to Lance’s holiday home, which he will find occupied by new owners. After the grueling bike section, endurance hyper-beast Bruyneel will then run after Lance shouting “come back, we could be great again.” The Belgian was quoted as saying,
“I’m so proud to take part in a real Ironman try-ath-alon, I’ve had some yellow latex Speedos airbrushed onto my lower half. I owe it to Lance to do an Ironman for him before I am also banned from all sports forever. Training time has been limited, so I’ve had to dip into the last of the juice Lance left in my car, for the good old days, haha. This is the only week we can do it, as Lance is real busy right now in a bunker with Sally Jenkins. The swim is quite daunting and sharks are a concern but Lance has said something about arranging for plenty of ‘chum’ to keep me company. I understand that chum is another word for ‘friend’. They will surely protect me from sharks, haha. He also laughed about some feed zone in the sea, what a crazy guy is my best friend.”
Tim Herman was apparently unavailable for less than $2,000 per hour.