The World Wide Web Anti-doping Agency (WWWADA) announced Tuesday that they are to begin an investigation into the online activities of Adam Hansen.
Prompted by the outstanding success of Hansen’s training camp tweets, WWWADA chief Elvis Tryhard stated that the Lotto-Belisol rider’s performances have been under scrutiny for some time and are now known to have exceeded the normal values observed in the peloton.
“Hansen has clearly stepped up social media power outputs to another level in a very short period of time – we suspect that lad is juiced up to his eye-balls on Haribo and we are determined to act now to keep a level playing field. Humor should be evenly distributed; we can’t have any clowns outside Aigle,” noted Tryhard wryly.
“Our investigators have been monitoring Twitter since July, using riders such as Ivan Basso (Look, a fish), David Millar (I’m not here any longer) and Mark Cavendish (It’s raining) to set a benchmark. The investigation has been fraught with legal difficulties, but now having established that @TweeterSagan was in fact Ted King, we were able to get normalized values for dullness and lack of humor and act decisively.”
Tryhard continued, “Recently Hansen has surpassed these norms and seems to have had the illicit support of the cycling media, who have utterly failed to investigate his performances and have simply told everyone they know about his hilarious tweets.”
The photos which Hansen had posted from the Lotto-Belisol training camp were clearly sending a message to the rest of the peloton, with Katusha citing their Russian humor as a barrier to fair competition when faced with the cheek of Hansen. A Katusha spokeswoman stated, “This is why we failed for the world tour licence, being judged unfairly. We laugh at different things in Russia and the UCI have been influenced by this cheating – we had submitted a photo of a funny potato shaped like Henricus, and they ignore in favor of twitters. As a result we will be hiring Captain tbag to administer cleaner jokes to our riders during transfusions. Sorry. I meant transfers.”
Tryhard believes that acting now has prevented further abhorrent performances from Hansen. “We were able to seize his final Instagram showing him relaxing on a sofa with seven iPads arranged for rapid tweeting. Thankfully no one was able to see this disturbing image, and until the investigation is complete Hansen is to be chaperoned by Andre Greipel and will have to send one tweet per day to our laboratory for assessment.
When Cyclismas contacted Hansen, he stated that he had negotiated more than 500 tests without smirking and his success was down to hard work and the team chef. “Anyone could have been this funny, I just try harder and decided to spend October watching Woody Allen movies while other riders complained about UCI points. OK, so when I was a kid I inhaled helium from a balloon to sound like Micky Mouse, and once when I crashed they gave me Entonox in the ambulance, but everything thing else comes from deep inside – I just want it more than the rest. I know about the rumors of me living in an isolated Czech village just so I can experiment with jokes outside the constraints and conventions of native language. Mrs Zydeco at the bakery knows I’m just a naturally funny guy, she retweets no more than anyone else. So what if I motorpace behind Eddie Izzard on a Honda Cub. He never passes on techniques from when he was a pro, never injects me with ideas. My fans believe I’m funny, I couldn’t look them in the eye if any of this was synthetic. What am I on? I’m on the Daily Show. Losers. Oh and one more thing, if I hear that Henderson [team mate Greg ~ Ed.] has been speaking to Elvis from WWWADA, I’ll tell him in a quivering and upset voice that you don’t do that to people…”