As a pro-cyclist, I was one of the many to find this communiqué in my inbox recently. I am reproducing it here, in its entirety. ~ DM
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The UCI is aware of the traitorous and selfish desires of a few reactionaries against the UCI in recent days. Little do they know that the UCI itself is capable of great revolutionary change from within!
In recent years it has been made known to the UCI that rules and other structures such as the points system have definitely been 100% responsible for riders doping, bribing and other decadent, exploitative and selfish corruptions against themselves, their cyclist brothers, and the UCI state. The working rider is not to blame, the proletariat rider is forced to dope because of the system, he is made from a downtrodden, hard working and unrepresented proletariat without space for morality, just survival. Working riders have become mere animals, too busy fighting amongst themselves to subscribe to any mutual code of honour. The all-knowing UCI acknowledges this and so has implemented a comprehensive change to the rules. Since riders have no choice but to dope, it is the duty of the benevolent and all-knowing Makarov to prevent them from harming themselves with sweeping changes that entirely remove the incentive to cheat. All rules are inspired by my childhood memories and school teachings from the Turkmen Soviet Socialist Republic that I am only now returning to after my own shameful and decadent hyper-capitalist journey. They will take effect immediately.
Manifesto to disincentivise cheating:
- REMOVAL OF UNEQUAL SALARY: Team budgets are to be pooled into one account controlled by the UCI. The UCI will distribute an equal wage to all riders, it will be both the maximum salary and the minimum salary. One salary for all. This rule change will prevent a loyal professional comrade of the UCI from the sin of greed.
- REMOVAL OF COMPETITION: Competition is to be stopped forthwith, competition is a form of creating hierarchy, a natural ordering of abilities. In the new UCI classless rider society everyone is equal under God and the UCI.
- PROMOTION OF UNITY: Competitions are to be replaced by a parade of riders in arms who will show the might of proletarian unity, together. There will be a maximum speed, which will also be the minimum speed. One speed for all. The great Makarov has decreed it, so it is so.
- UNEQUAL SOCK LENGTH: Socks (and shoe covers) used in competition must not exceed (or deceed) the mid-distance between the ankle and the knee. Socks of incorrect length are wasteful and self-indulgent representations of western greed.
- REMOVAL OF EQUIPMENT ENVY: The UCI will only permit riders to use UCI approved frames, preferably from politically-sound countries such as China. They will use square taper bottom brackets, as there is only space for one bottom bracket standard under God and the UCI.
- PUNISHMENT INCENTIVE: Dissenters, dopers, and bourgeoisie reactionaries will be sent to the labour camp in Aigle where they will ride endless laps of the velodrome and undergo the True Champion Or Cheat program until re-educated.
POINTS INCENTIVE: The points system will be replaced with the following:
- At the end of the season each cyclist will be awarded one point.
No points system can ever be fairer than this points system. The UCI will become a united, all-powerful, and classless society of professional cyclists, all riders will be rewarded equally, irrespective of ability. At the end of the season every cyclist will be declared joint winners of the World Tour together with one point. The natural result is that there will be no desire for selfish acts of aspirational capitalist greed (i.e., doping) that harms and disrespects the all-powerful and gracious UCI. Without the carrot of victory there will be no exploitation and temptation to double-cross fellow proletariat athletes.
All hail cycling and a brighter future for all!
Your undisputed and holy leader,