At a lavish press conference in London today, the group known as Change Cycling Now made a massive splash with a large press corps in attendance to hear their blueprint for fixing what ails the sport of cycling. The group made the decision to not only deal with the pressing issues in cycling, but also to tackle the two most age-old problems prevalent in world history.
“Not only are we going to cut the heads off of Hein Verbruggen and Pat McQuaid in order to repair and unite cycling, we are also going to end world hunger, create lasting peace, and end violence in the Middle East. We are going to do this through violent revolution in order to install our people, who will definitely do a better job,” stated the revolutionary leader who has adopted the name “The Fullest.”
The Fullest outlined the radical plan in step-by-step detail, outlining how his CCN shock troops would enter Aigle and take control of the UCI headquarters, and set up makeshift courts presided over by their judge and jury – “The Ash” – to dispatch justice swiftly in order to expedite the “Great Cycling Cleanse.”
“We will complete this campaign in a very stealth manner prior to June. They won’t know the day. I look forward to putting in our president, the president of all the people – “Le Monden” – who will only have a temporary reign while we set up a committee for cycling safety to ensure we’ve rooted out all the evilness, the doping, the corruption, the listening to bad Eurotrash dance music,” declared The Fullest.
When it was time for the man anointed for temporary leadership to speak at the podium, Le Monden was transparent.
“Look, I’ve been wronged. I’d like to right those wrongs in the rightest way possible to eliminate the wrongness from the rightness that should be happening. I’m hoping to start making bikes again, because well, I had to stop because of all the evilness. So I think I can make a difference,” stated Le Monden.
With that, The Fullest immediately took the microphone back.
“He is the best temporary leader to cleanse us our cycling sins. You will see. But this won’t be all! After we take Aigle, we plan to declare war on the rest of the world. No more cars. No more trains. No more helicopters to annoy birds during races. We will only have the cult of the bicycle. This will bring world peace. I have no doubts. And when there is world peace, we will end hunger,” declared The Fullest.
The Ash offered his technical assessments, including new fortifications to their Aigle fortress, and new technology that would allow Change Cycling Now to monitor all forms of communication to ensure compliance with their cult of the bicycle.
The Fullest concluded that they would also erect a monument entitled “The Fallen” for those heroes who had their businesses, their racing wins, and their pride taken away by “The Strong.”
Speculation is rampant as to when the shock troops would be attacking Aigle to commence the campaign. Some have opined that it could come after Milan-San Remo.