Shocking news has come to light that stalwart of the 53 chainring, Mr Jens Voigt, has been undertaking a secretive program of performance enhancement known as ‘GEO caching.’
The infusing of enthusiasm had been placed on the WADA banned list in 2006, and it is known that the UCI has a strict policy of enforcing their zero tolerance of joviality. Voigt has openly boasted of his pursuit of GEO, seeking out ‘farmercuetical-grade’ microdoses at hidden locations across the countryside – which few individuals have ever previously discovered. It remains to be seen how long the caches of GEO can extend the tenacious German’s career, but rumour suggests that his outstanding solo win in the Tour of California had been enabled by a dose of happiness contained within a hollow tree trunk Jens had visited near Sacramento. (See video below for details.)
Team Sky wizard David Brailsford was recently spotted in a ditch near Glossop, allegedly attempting to get a sample of GEO-induced mirth from an old biscuit tin, and it was rumoured that micro-dosing with happiness would be incorporated into the Team Sky 35-year plan, along with having the Team Sky Death Star buses retro-fitted with a new ventilation system, which is alleged to release wry smiles and the occasional chuckle into team briefings.
Whilst we were unable to locate Mr Voigt, sources confirmed that Jens was pretty happy about the level of pleasure in his life and would reveal all about his next GEO regime on Twitter sometime soon. Travis Tygart was unavailable for comment.