Embattled Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong was reportedly involved in an altercation with several staff and patrons of an exclusive French restaurant, and was removed by French police.
“It was insane! Lance went nuts when a waiter apparently served him the wrong appetizer. He said ‘I FUCKING TOLD YOU THREE TIMES! THREE TIMES! THREE TIMES! I wanted lemon with my appetizer! What the fuck is wrong with you?!!?’” said one shaken patron of the exclusive Chantecler restaurant in Nice, France, where the incident occurred.
Armstrong was quickly approached by restaurant management, but refused to calm down. He allegedly stood up and started pointing at random restaurant patrons and calling them “Non-Believers” at the top of his lungs. Armstrong refused an escort to a private section of the restaurant, and instead chose to demonstrate his athletic prowess by performing 500 one-armed pushups for the shocked patrons.
It took a phone call to close personal friend Thor Hushovd, who immediately arrived to attempt to defuse the situation prior to the police being called in to address the escalating altercation.
Hushovd was able to convince Lance that an impromptu Twitter run through the restaurant and a Livestrong™ wristband giveaway were not the answers to his problems, and managed to move Armstrong out of Chantecler and into Le Relais, where French authorities met Armstrong and his posse to question what had transpired.
A statement was issued by Armstrong lawyer Robert Luskin, who is the point man for the Livestrong founder, after Armstrong was whisked away by his entourage to a secret French location.
“Lance is suffering from Post Pro Cycling Stress Disorder. This ‘witch-hunt’ is clearly the reason for the onset of his condition. I categorically deny that his ego and fame-trawling has contributed in any way to this momentary breakdown. Nor will I acknowledge any reports of Lance acting like a spoilt child who’s money and connections have failed to protect him from having his Tour titles stripped, all because of some peskily sound USADA principles. I maintain the USADA is completely out of step with how normal power politics are supposed to operate,” stated a voice via phone that had a resemblance to Luskin’s.
“Lance’s problems are a result of a concocted fantasy on the part of jealous civil servants who are threatened by his star power, his good looks, his money, his multiple houses, and his ability to have any woman he pleases,” concluded Luskin, allegedly.
Anonymous pundits, who refused to comment on record due to threats of legal action by the Armstrong team, were quick to weigh in on the situation.
“Lance has snapped. His worst fears of becoming invisible and inconsequential on the world stage are about to be realized. Let’s hope his entourage doesn’t abandon him. More sociopathic episodes could occur as those who have surrounded him leave like rats from a sinking ship,” declared one anonymous cycling commentator.
Armstrong’s next moves are being decided, as WTC head Andrew Messick confirmed Armstrong has been banned from competing in triathlons until the situation with USADA is resolved. French authorities refused to comment on pending charges, if any, stemming from his altercation at the French restaurant. Chantecler representatives did confirm that Armstrong has been asked to take his business elsewhere.