The nation of Canada spent 30 hours celebrating their native son’s win at the Giro d’Italia, which was the first Grand Tour victory for a Canadian, and only the second time an athlete from North America has won the hallowed race.
However, the celebration was marred by the realization of many key Canadians that their hero hasn’t lived in the country for a number of years. In fact, Ryder Hesjedal splits time between Maui, Hawaii in the off-season and Girona, Spain during the racing season. The Canadian press was slow to react to this information, as many made the assumption that he still lived in Victoria, B.C. This information did not escape the scrutiny of the Canadian prime minister’s office, which monitors all prominent Canadians and their potential threat to national security.
“We are thrilled to have a Canadian-born winner of one of the three major Grand Tours, and we’re hoping to see Mr. Hesjedal repeat his efforts for a Tour de France win, and also a Tour de Spain win,” commented the prime minister’s office.
“I would like to welcome Ryder back to my country as a conquering hero and hope he would consider moving back home to further his success on the world stage. We are willing to provide him with corporate tax relief, and a nice summer home in Muskoka as a generous gift by Tony Clement on behalf of the Harper Government/Conservative Party of Canada,” declared a magnanimous Stephen Harper via his PMO office underlings.
Owen Wilson, part of Ryder Hesjedal’s “Maui Posse,” offered his thoughts on the offer from the Canadian prime minister/dictator for life.
“Hey, you know, it’s great and all, but Ryder’s just not that style of dude. We have a chill existence here in Maui, and like, cars and stuff really don’t cramp our style. The water’s cold up there in Canada, and wet suits aren’t good for the environment. We’re at one with the world here. And he’s such an ambassador for our surfer way,” philosophized Wilson.
Canadian cycling pundit Bob McKenzie of extremecanadiancycling.com was surprised by the offer.
“Considering that the mayors of all the large Canadian cities want to run over cyclists since according to them they don’t belong on the road, I’m very surprised by the offer. Harper must be worried about public opinion finally turning against him. I mean, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford basically wants to put all cyclists in jail for just owning a bike,” commented McKenzie.
Former Canadian professional cyclist Brian Walton also chimed in with his thoughts on the offer.
“You have to realize that Canada Cycling pretty much ignored Ryder for the first 5 years of his career, so I think the offer from Harper is a nice gesture. I doubt that Ryder will take him up on it, though. He likes going home for a few weeks and then getting out of town,” stated Walton
Canadian Cycling official Gord Fraser was unavailable for comment.
Hesjedal will be taking some time off before heading to France to help his Garmin-Barracuda teammate Tom Danielson in his bid for Grand Tour glory.