After facing severe challenges to his throne over the past few months, and with the results of a media study showing that his name evokes negative connotations of dictatorships and fascism, UCI president Pat McQuaid officially took the steps to adopt an old nom de plume from his days of illicit racing in South Africa as his legal name.
“Upon realising my good Irish name is forever associated with negative elements and thoughts, I’ve decided to adopt the nom de plume I raced under in South Africa. I will be officially re-christened as part of my bid to be president of the UCI for a third term,” commented the UCI president formerly known as Pat McQuaid.
The new name, J Burns, was the nom de plume used during the illegal South African race that he and Sean Kelly participated in, a stunt which subsequently caused their lifetime Olympic ban. Fortunately for the man formerly known as McQuaid, that ban had no bearing on his election to the IOC. In fact, McQuaid to this day is still surprised by his ban, considering that he was bigger than the Beatles in his Irish homeland and his family controlled the bicycle industry on the Emerald Isle.
“J Burns gave me good luck during my performances in South Africa. I’m hoping that the new name will aid in my UCI performances, which have been rather lacklustre in the past few years,” commented the president formerly known as McQuaid.
Citing interviews gone bad with journalists, strange and rambling open letters to the pro peloton, alleged attempts at blackmailing teams to attend races in China, and generally strange and dictatorial daily emails, the president formerly known as McQuaid has also hired the Dalai Lama to help him with his Napoleonic tendencies bordering on “Genghis Khan-like behaviour.”
“I’m doing my best to create a cuddly image for myself. I want everyone to help me build this wonderful sport. It was egotistical of me to think I could do it all on my own and keep all the revenues in my offshore accounts. I look forward to embracing the essence of my former nom de plume, J Burns, to create a happier sport,” declared former McQuaid now Burns.
The pro peloton was skeptical of this latest ploy.
“Just because his behavior is leaking out into the public is the only reason why he’s putting on this bullshit show. You can slap lipstick on a fucking pig, but it’s still a fucking pig,” commented an angry Andreas Klöden.
Details of the “J Burns Presidential Campaign” were sketchy at best, but sources close to the UCI president assured us that his campaign was well-funded to withstand potential opponents from the ranks of pro cycling’s “riff raff.” It was confirmed Jump Media and Marketing had been contracted to provide “consulting services” for the upcoming presidential campaign.