After a troubling outbreak of viral and bacterial infections at Paris-Nice this week, Team Sky boss David Brailsford enacted ”extreme measures” to ensure the health and safety of Bradley Wiggins, their massively important British cycling superstar.
“After seeing a number of top riders exit Paris-Nice due to illness bordering on an epidemic of catastrophic proportions, we felt it was necessary to keep Bradley out of harm’s way. His muscular structure is superhumanly strong, but his immune system is as weak as the ricketiest picket fence in Peebles,” commented Brailsford.
As a result of the departure of Lotto-Belisol’s Adam Hansen and Oliver Kaisen; RadioShack-Nissan’s Andy Schleck, Joost Posthuma, and Jan Bakelants; and BMC’s Taylor Phinney, Team Sky enacted emergency measures to ensure the safety of Wiggins. The measures included a “cool down” on a trainer after every stage, copious amounts of chamomile tea with lemon and honey, the wearing of a Team Sky™ customized protective burqa, and segregated food reserves unavailable to the rest of the team.
Team Sky patron saint James Murdoch was flown into Paris from his holiday home in Bora Bora to reserve an entire chateau just outside of the start town of Onet-le-Chateau as a makeshift sanitorium. Murdoch and his medical team will only allow approved team members and staff entrance to the facility.
“The safety of Brad Wiggins is absolutely paramount. We have invested substantial finances into the success of this team and we can’t afford any scandals, nor any accidental incidents that may derail Brad’s chances at a Tour/Olympics double victory,” stated Murdoch.
Fellow members of the peloton were concerned if Wiggins was mentally up for the challenge.
“Look he’s fragmented and aloof from the rest of us as it is. If we even breathe on him funny, Thomas and Porte are right there to tell us to fuck off,” commented the rather frustrated Lampre rider Matthew Lloyd. “It’s so typical of these superteams to create sacrosanct germ-free and accident-free zones to protect their ridiculous investments.”
When asked if fraternization with known disease vector Levi Leipheimer – who has contracted every virus known to mankind – was an issue, Brailsford seemed unconcerned, “Thankfully Levi’s too low in stature to even enter Brad’s rarified atmosphere. I think there’s more concern for Lefevere that Levi could pick something off the roads of Europe.” Presumably Brailsford was referring to the OPQS rider’s stature and not his affection for the tarmac.
Team Sky acolytes were quick to pick up on the burqa fashion trend. In fact, team head of business operations Fran Millar was inundated by requests for a Team Sky burqa from the cycling-mad fans of the British Isles to use on their own “cool downs.” The development, Millar noted, was rather shocking, but not a surprise considering the collective intelligence of Team Sky cycling fans.
Stage 5 will see the finish of Paris-Nice in Mende, where it is expected that Wiggins will retain the yellow.