After a Gent-Wevelgem on Sunday that saw Tom Boonen return to form like a triumphant King Richard from the Crusades, Team Sky sprinter extraordinaire Mark Cavendish had a breakdown in the arms of Team Sky Classics wet-nurse Bernard Eisel.
Cavendish, who spoke briefly to the press, mumbled something about not being in the top 10 over the Kemmelberg, and repeated over and over again how hard the parcours was. He then summarily heaved himself onto the Team Sky Bus and into the arms of Eisel.
Unfortunately for Cavendish, one of the windows in the soundproofed Team Sky bus – nicknamed “Juggernaut” – was cracked for air, allowing bystanders to hear him wailing. “It wasn’t supposed to be this HARD. You were all supposed to time trial me to the 300 metre point of every Classics race. What’s wrong with our train? Why can’t I have [Mark] Renshaw and [Greg] Henderson this year? Why does Brailsford hate me?”
Moments after the clearly audible rant finished, the window was closed. Within minutes, an ashen Eisel disembarked from the “Juggernaut” to offer what were apparently choreographed clarifications.
“Cav is experiencing dehydration and mental fatigue. If anyone happened to hear any ramblings, please, don’t take them seriously. Many people in the public eye, including that Invisible Children gent, have suffered from these sorts of maladies,” stated Eisel, “Look, Mark is obviously disappointed, but the mental fatigue is the fault of the British press by putting him under all of this tremendous pressure.”
When asked why he and Edvald Boassen-Hagen weren’t the dedicated leaders for the Classics campaign, Eisel was blunt. “You’ll have to ask Mr. Genius David Brailsford that one. He’s the guy who promised Cav that he’d become a Classics king when he came to Sky in spite of his genetic limitations.”
Brailsford denied Eisel’s “version of events,” stating he never promised to make Cav into a Classics king, nor did he guarantee the green jersey at this year’s Tour de France, nor any potential Olympics victories.
“You arse clowns from the media put those words in my mouth,” commented Brailsford.
When shown the video evidence of his claims, Brailsford walked off, pulled a cigarette out of his pocket, and began cursing James Murdoch audibly.
Team Sky designated Cavendish cheerleader Rod Ellingworth provided his take on the disaster that has been Team Sky’s start to the season, “You can take the boy out of the pastry, but never the pastry out of the boy.”
The Team Sky brain trust have meetings planned with the three public relations firms, two research firms, the analytical science think tank, seven marketing firms, four theoretical physiologists, a team of osteopaths, a horde of doctors, the Sky board of directors, the Royal Family, and the Church of England to determine the course of the remaining Classics season.
Anonymous sources have confirmed reports that Cavendish was still in the fetal position on the “Juggernaut” well into the late hours of Sunday evening in Wevelgem.