The sound of gunfire and bike chains blazed through the suburbs of Adelaide Sunday as Team Sky and Team GreenEDGE began a messy turf war for control of the Commonwealth in the streets of the city upon the completion of the Tour Down Under.
The hotel occupied by Team Sky was found riddled with bullet holes following a verbal assault launched at GreenEDGE director Matt White by Sky Directeur Sportif Sean Yates. Yates had made derogatory comments about the fitness of GreenEDGE riders at the TDU, comments decisively answered when GreenEDGE superstar Simon Gerrans won the race over his Sky rivals.
White fired back in the press, but it would seem that the GreenEDGE team took a page from the book of the “Bloods” street gang and performed a drive-by shooting of the Team Sky hotel. Eyewitness accounts from those wishing to remain anonymous noted that the distinctive colors of the GreenEDGE Subarus were seen speeding away from the hotel, their speakers blaring the distinctive Cypress Hill anthem “Insane in the Brain.”
Yates offered comments via phone to Cyclismas while surveying the damage. The song “Sweat” by noted former “Crip” gang member, Snoop Dogg, was audibly heard in the background.
“We’re disappointed that certain folks made the decision to escalate the rivalry. We’ll happily meet fire with fire, and I wouldn’t want any innocent bystanders at the wrong place at the wrong time during the race season. We’re taking over this Commonwealth territory. We have a world champ at the moment, but that was yesterday. We’ll see what they come up with after we lay the smack down later today,” commented a cryptic Yates.
It was reported prior to press time that the GreenEDGE bus had been painted blue, and their distinctive Scott bike frames were hanging from the power lines close to team headquarters.
White refused to comment on the additional developments but flashed several gang signs via the Skype video chat, and posted “This is f***ing war, bitches,” on his Twitter profile.
Noted gang historian Rupert Guinness offered analysis of the situation, “This is a classic case of what happens when there’s a dwindling doctor and pharmaceutical supply. Recent events in Russia and China mean that these two organizations will continue to fight for dominance in order to secure their conduit for performance enhancement. Let’s hope that innocent fans across the globe do not get caught up in this.”
UCI president Pat “Dick” McQuaid speculated on the impact of this war on the WorldTour.
“Let’s hope that this stays between the Blues and the Greens. We wouldn’t want this to spill over into the Chicanos or the Triads. We could see a global war ignite if we don’t do our job to contain this potentially devastating battle,” concluded McQuaid.
The Blues and the Greens will renew their rivalry on the bikes during the Tour of Qatar.